The root cause of my anxiety

[Pucci]

Over the past couple of weeks I have slowly been coming off of Paxil (which I was put on for PPD after my son was born). I am down to a low dose and was doing fine up until this past week. I am having major anxiety and have trouble sleeping. I also burst out in tears on Sunday which I tried to hide from my husband but he noticed it. I just blamed it on the fact that I am coming off the Paxil and it is making me overly emotional.

Ever since that episode on Sunday I have been feeling very anxious and having panic attacks and have trouble sleeping. ALso I have been weepy. For anyone who has been Paxil and withdrawn did you have these kinds of side effects?

I told a co-worker of mine this story (she is an RN) and she said that I should look deeper into this because there may be some other underlying problem that I may be feeling that needs to be resolved.

I have noticed something to be bothering me over the last few months:

Back in April we bought a condo in the same building where my in-laws are living. We liked the building and it was convenient for us for when I had to go back to work and have my in-laws look after my son.

The problem is that my husbands mother is very controlling when it comes to my son (So is my FIL to a certain degree. You see my son is the first and only grandchild -- and he is a boy and this is a Chinese family--you get my drift). She is a little on the neurotic side and worries about everything. So because she worries she thinks she knows what is best for my son. If he has a hard poo -it's because we have to give him more water or fiber. If he catches a cold she says don't take him swimming. She monitors what he eats, when he eats it how much he poos how he is dressed for the weather--even when he is in my care. When we go to the restaurant she sits beside him and dictates what he should eat. If I give him something and he doesn't like it she says "don't give him that. SHe just takes over.

Then I have my husband who is a little like her but not that extreme so he is sometimes lecturing me on things. So I am trying to do everything my MIL wants me to do and everything my husband says I should do. At the same time my husband works late and so when I come home after work I have to cook dinner, cook Jordan's dinner, eat dinner, fix the lunches clean up and attending to my son, I feel overwhelmed. At the same time I would then have my husband who will come home and not do much in terms of the housework. (He comes home, hands me is lunch containers for me to clean, fixes himself a scotch and goes outside on the balcony for a smoke).

This is how I feel --that my husband and my MIL are the bosses and I am just the lowly wife without any say. Now I know that my husband and MIL are not doing this deliberately -- it just comes across this way to me.

This has caused me to undermine my confidence in raising my son so I am always unsure if I am doing the right thing. I just listen to what my MIL says or my husband says because I feel like I have no expertise or say in these situations. (The reason why I feel that I should just keep quiet is that my in-laws have helped us a great deal financially with buying the condo and they look after my son free of charge so I feel like I owe them).


This reminds me of Princess Diana. I think this is how she must have felt when she was married to Charles and had the Queen MIL and the Royal family calling all the shots and she was to just shut up and go about her duties.

Or maybe the Paxil decrease is making me believe in problems that only look real to me but are really not there. I don't know.....maybe I should just go see a counselor.:(

[Cd4u_2]

It does sounds like something to get depressed over. Even with a healthy woman who don't suffer depression would get depressed over a marriage like that.

Your husband need to leave his parents as the bible instructed him so. His parents should not be taking care of him and his family unless it is a good reason. But I wouldn't know how to tell him that without getting him too upset. You can always tell your MIL "oh don't be such a worrywort" :D and be cheerful about it. It will make her think that she worries too much and maybe she will give you some slack. I think you need to show more confidence.

[ByHisGrace]

At some point, maybe when you have less on your plate (coming off Paxil), you're going to have to take the reigns from your MIL. You will have to be firm but kind over and over and over again -- consistently. Till she realizes your son has only one mother. :)

[graceforme]

I think it might be time to have a "family meeting." Sit down with them and let them know in a loving way how it makes you feel when they take control this way. Honestly, they may think they're making things easier on you and helping you. Honesty is the only way. If they continue to do this, then you know that it is intentional, and you will need to take more aggressive measures, like moving to a different place and finding another babysitter. It seems to me that your relationship with your husband and child may be in danger here. You will surely grow to be resentful of this type of interference.

Be open and honest with them, but be very loving AND firm about it. He is your child, and you and your husband will decide what is best for him. If need be, find another babysitter immediately.

Good luck and God Bless.

[Janh7]

Over the past couple of weeks I have slowly been coming off of Paxil (which I was put on for PPD after my son was born). I am down to a low dose and was doing fine up until this past week. I am having major anxiety and have trouble sleeping. I also burst out in tears on Sunday which I tried to hide from my husband but he noticed it. I just blamed it on the fact that I am coming off the Paxil and it is making me overly emotional.

Ever since that episode on Sunday I have been feeling very anxious and having panic attacks and have trouble sleeping. ALso I have been weepy. For anyone who has been Paxil and withdrawn did you have these kinds of side effects?

I told a co-worker of mine this story (she is an RN) and she said that I should look deeper into this because there may be some other underlying problem that I may be feeling that needs to be resolved.

I have noticed something to be bothering me over the last few months:

Back in April we bought a condo in the same building where my in-laws are living. We liked the building and it was convenient for us for when I had to go back to work and have my in-laws look after my son.

The problem is that my husbands mother is very controlling when it comes to my son (So is my FIL to a certain degree. You see my son is the first and only grandchild -- and he is a boy and this is a Chinese family--you get my drift). She is a little on the neurotic side and worries about everything. So because she worries she thinks she knows what is best for my son. If he has a hard poo -it's because we have to give him more water or fiber. If he catches a cold she says don't take him swimming. She monitors what he eats, when he eats it how much he poos how he is dressed for the weather--even when he is in my care. When we go to the restaurant she sits beside him and dictates what he should eat. If I give him something and he doesn't like it she says "don't give him that. SHe just takes over.

Then I have my husband who is a little like her but not that extreme so he is sometimes lecturing me on things. So I am trying to do everything my MIL wants me to do and everything my husband says I should do. At the same time my husband works late and so when I come home after work I have to cook dinner, cook Jordan's dinner, eat dinner, fix the lunches clean up and attending to my son, I feel overwhelmed. At the same time I would then have my husband who will come home and not do much in terms of the housework. (He comes home, hands me is lunch containers for me to clean, fixes himself a scotch and goes outside on the balcony for a smoke).

This is how I feel --that my husband and my MIL are the bosses and I am just the lowly wife without any say. Now I know that my husband and MIL are not doing this deliberately -- it just comes across this way to me.

This has caused me to undermine my confidence in raising my son so I am always unsure if I am doing the right thing. I just listen to what my MIL says or my husband says because I feel like I have no expertise or say in these situations. (The reason why I feel that I should just keep quiet is that my in-laws have helped us a great deal financially with buying the condo and they look after my son free of charge so I feel like I owe them).


This reminds me of Princess Diana. I think this is how she must have felt when she was married to Charles and had the Queen MIL and the Royal family calling all the shots and she was to just shut up and go about her duties.

Or maybe the Paxil decrease is making me believe in problems that only look real to me but are really not there. I don't know.....maybe I should just go see a counselor.:(

My 23 yo son had super bad withdrawl from paxil. We went through 2 months of hell. I prayed day and night for him. The withdrawl was worse than the symptoms he originally went on Paxil for. I hate the stuff! I almost lost my son! I do hope you hang in there and get better fast. :hug

[lbeels]

Pucci -

I feel so bad for you and I don't know if I could help but I'll put my 2 cents in and you take what you will.

If I were you I would definitely be on anti-anxiety medication! You have major changes in your life plus controlling people, no wonder you feel the way you do.

In January, my mother was in the hospital and because of a reaction to general anesthesia, I wasn't sure she was ever going to make it and on top of that we had major financial problems and it really got to me and I ended up going on anti-anxiety medication. I remember feeling so bad about it because I just wanted the Lord to take my burdens for me so that I wouldn't have to medicate, but for whatever reason I had no choice and I was so glad I did because it really calmed me down. I went on Xanax.

I was only on that medication for about a week but ever since then I find that I am more vulnerable to emotions and anxiety.

I'd like to encourage you that no matter how you feel or what's going on to be obedient to Christ the best you know how; read the Word regularly and find scripture verses that soothe your soul. The Psalms are very comforting to me.

Pray to our good Lord for your husband to be receptive to you talking openly to him about your concerns. I believe this is an area that your husband needs to address with his mother. But both of you need to be united in your beliefs so there is no division between you and your husband while confronting his mother about these concerns.

Also, I hope you have someone like a pastor who could help guide you and you could get advice from using scripture as your foundation to build upon.

As far as being confident as a mom, uhhh, I only have one and I often don't feel like a good mom and no one is controlling me, so don't feel so bad. If I look back on how I've grown in Christ and maturity, I can say that I've learned alot about parenting and wish I could go back and do many things over again, but I can't and even that together looking mom has had to learn alot of lessons about being a good mother. You need to make your own mistakes and learn from them. It's OK. It's one thing to listen to your husband and make compromises with him, but personally I don't think you have to make any compromises with your mother-in-law regarding parenting except when she is caring for your son and you are not present.

I will pray for you and for God to open and soften your husband's heart to hear your cries for help and stand by you. :pray

God Bless

[Pucci]

Thanks everyone, and thank you Ibeels..

I just don't like the idea that I need to be on meds. I thought that the PPD was over and that I could get off of this stuff and just get on with my life. And it did seem like I was heading that way but everything just came crashing down all in one day (this past Sunday) and I haven't felt the same since. I feel very weepy....and I feel embarrassed because I broke down in front of my sister, sister in law and mother and later on husband on that day. I feel like a weakling.

[lbeels]

I remember going through a time when I cried it seemed constantly and going through embarrassing moments of not being able to control my emotions. It will pass.

Have you thought of seeking out a naturopath or the like who can help support you from a nutritional approach? Sometimes our bodies natural stress responders aren't up to par and can be supported through supplements and diet and exercise. Since you had a baby recently, that certainly can throw off your body chemistry. Might be something to consider.

God Bless

[yeshua'sbride]

Over the past couple of weeks I have slowly been coming off of Paxil (which I was put on for PPD after my son was born). I am down to a low dose and was doing fine up until this past week. I am having major anxiety and have trouble sleeping. I also burst out in tears on Sunday which I tried to hide from my husband but he noticed it. I just blamed it on the fact that I am coming off the Paxil and it is making me overly emotional.

Ever since that episode on Sunday I have been feeling very anxious and having panic attacks and have trouble sleeping. ALso I have been weepy. For anyone who has been Paxil and withdrawn did you have these kinds of side effects?

I told a co-worker of mine this story (she is an RN) and she said that I should look deeper into this because there may be some other underlying problem that I may be feeling that needs to be resolved.

I have noticed something to be bothering me over the last few months:

Back in April we bought a condo in the same building where my in-laws are living. We liked the building and it was convenient for us for when I had to go back to work and have my in-laws look after my son.

The problem is that my husbands mother is very controlling when it comes to my son (So is my FIL to a certain degree. You see my son is the first and only grandchild -- and he is a boy and this is a Chinese family--you get my drift). She is a little on the neurotic side and worries about everything. So because she worries she thinks she knows what is best for my son. If he has a hard poo -it's because we have to give him more water or fiber. If he catches a cold she says don't take him swimming. She monitors what he eats, when he eats it how much he poos how he is dressed for the weather--even when he is in my care. When we go to the restaurant she sits beside him and dictates what he should eat. If I give him something and he doesn't like it she says "don't give him that. SHe just takes over.

Then I have my husband who is a little like her but not that extreme so he is sometimes lecturing me on things. So I am trying to do everything my MIL wants me to do and everything my husband says I should do. At the same time my husband works late and so when I come home after work I have to cook dinner, cook Jordan's dinner, eat dinner, fix the lunches clean up and attending to my son, I feel overwhelmed. At the same time I would then have my husband who will come home and not do much in terms of the housework. (He comes home, hands me is lunch containers for me to clean, fixes himself a scotch and goes outside on the balcony for a smoke).

This is how I feel --that my husband and my MIL are the bosses and I am just the lowly wife without any say. Now I know that my husband and MIL are not doing this deliberately -- it just comes across this way to me.

This has caused me to undermine my confidence in raising my son so I am always unsure if I am doing the right thing. I just listen to what my MIL says or my husband says because I feel like I have no expertise or say in these situations. (The reason why I feel that I should just keep quiet is that my in-laws have helped us a great deal financially with buying the condo and they look after my son free of charge so I feel like I owe them).


This reminds me of Princess Diana. I think this is how she must have felt when she was married to Charles and had the Queen MIL and the Royal family calling all the shots and she was to just shut up and go about her duties.

Or maybe the Paxil decrease is making me believe in problems that only look real to me but are really not there. I don't know.....maybe I should just go see a counselor.:(


Hi Pucci,

I'm sorry to hear about this difficulty in your life, and I wanted to talk to you about "the other side." I think I can relate to where your MIL may be coming from, and I don't think she's doing anything premeditated or against you personally.

A grandmother sometimes sees her grandchildren as an extension of the responsibilites associated with raising her own children when they were young, especially a grandmother who babysits the grandchild when his parents are at work. That puts the grandmother in the role of being a "hands-on" raiser of a child, rather than one who the grandchild visits occasionally.

When the grandchild is in her direct care so much of the time, can you see how in effect she takes on certain mother roles? And how it may be a little hard to back off of that role when she's "off the clock"?

You see your MIL as being controlling, but could it just be that you see her self-confidence in knowing what to do for your son because she knows him so well and has the experience of having raised your husband?

Another question I would ask you is, would you feel the same way toward your own mother, or would it somehow be less threatening for you? Please don't forget, your MIL loves you as well as your son and grandson. She's for you and your success as a wife and mother.

Finally, I think there could be a cultural component that you are seeing. You mentioned she's Chinese. While I'm not very familiar with their traditions, I can speak about how there's a cultural component to multi-generational childrearing in some Italian families. I grew up in such a family and my Grandmother was definately head matriarch and as such was deferred to in all matters of childrearing, household management, dispenser of marital advice, etc. Older, experienced women should teach the younger, less experienced women. There's a scriptural basis for this...

.....the older women likewise.....that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed. Titus 2:3-5

I'm in no way advising you to allow anyone to come in and take over your life or usurp your role as wife/mother! By all means, I agree with others here who have mentioned having a family meeting to talk things over. Sometimes we do things that drive others crazy and have no idea we're even doing it until others point it out. And I agree that even a well-meaning person may need to have the reins pulled back a little.

Pucci, I think you are blessed to have your MIL looking after your son while you're at work. In a mother's absence, I feel a grandmother is the next best thing! She has an interest in that child that noone else on the planet would take in him, and seeing him grow into a wonderful man is in her best interest. She must have known what she was doing when she raised your husband or else you would not have chosen to marry him!

I'm sorry this was so long, but I hope it made sense. God bless you and your family. :console :hug

[LindaLee]

You need to follow up with your Doctor hon. You may need to be on the meds a little longer. PPD is not something that is a short term thing.