~ Children In Heaven ~ 2 Cor 1:3-4

[nannyto3]

TrustingHim, your post brings back so many memories. I really didn't doubt Sarah's salvation, but Satan wanted me to. God was so good to me in reassuring me. I no longer have any doubts because I do know where she is. My husband for several years blamed me for Sarah's murder. He even went as far as to tell me I might as well pulled the trigger myself. Today he is better, but I still feel sometimes that he blames me. Our children were allowed to work, but not on Wed or Sun because of church. My husband has to work every other weekend, that Sun morning he was at work. I let Sarah work without his knowledge, he didn't know she was working. Our family and 6 other families are still caught up in the legal system and in Tennessee it is awful. The murderer sits on death roll and we are no closer today than we were 11 years ago to see the legal part of all of this over. What this has done for me is give it to God because I can't do anything about it. I can't speed up the system and I can't execute him myself. So this is one thing in my life I have given to God and hadn't pick back up in about 2 years. It is hard when I hear a story on the news about it, or see Sarah's picture on the TV, but each day I feel stronger. My focus now is more on seeing Sarah again and my loving Lord than on seeing justice done. God's judgement will be perfect and if the murderer doesn't repent he will be subject to that. I leave it in God's hands. My Sarah was 16, she would now be 28. I wonder, would she be married, what would be her career, would she have children. I have a 5 year old granddaughter who is Sarah made over. A gift from God!!!!

[pumkin67]

Nannyto3, I admire your strength. At least with Ricky, it was an accident. The one that hit him was his friend that had swerved to miss a deer. I'm afraid that I might be so consumed with hate, that I might not have been able to be close to our Father. God Bless you!

I had been lurking here since Ricky's death. Rapture Ready gives me so much hope. Thank you for sharing your stories. I helps me feel like I'm not alone. Some things I can't talk about to those close to me. It hurts them too much. Love, Darlene:hug

[Lynn]

. . . I had been lurking here since Ricky's death. Rapture Ready gives me so much hope. Thank you for sharing your stories. I helps me feel like I'm not alone. Some things I can't talk about to those close to me. It hurts them too much. Love, Darlene:hug

Darlene, we are so glad that you have been blessed by coming here to Rapture Ready board and especially to this thread. We are happy to have you as part of our RR family. Please feel free to post anything that you need to say, the kinds of things you mention at the end of quote above. We want to be good listeners and offer any encouragement to you that we can, dear Sister. :hug

[jayna]

You are most certainly welcomed here!!! My surviving children were also severely affected by Amanda's death. It was and continues to be particularly hard on my second child. She has just realized that Amanda was her best friend and always there to comfort her. While the pain is different from a parent/child loss, the siblings also suffer terribly. :hug

Jason's twin (who is 33 now) hurts very much I know. But being a guy he doesn't talk about it. Sometimes I wish he would talk about it with me but he doesn't. Its a guy thing I know. I wish our surviving children didn't have to hurt this way.

[jayna]

I know I shouldn't have convinced myself and set a time limit. I guess I just didn't want to be on this earth when that date hit. I live in fear now that I might lose another child. I think maybe I felt I had control before Ricky died. After the accident I realized that it's all in God's hands.

Did any of you notice a strong spiritual warfare after you lost your children. Satan has really worked on my family since then. I think satan thought that we would turn against God. Satan has really worked on my youngest son. The other night Jesse went to sleep with Ricky's Bible on his chest because of the nightmares about Satan. Jesse loves his Lord. He feels the Holy Spirit a lot at times too, but Satan just won't back off.


I just knew I wouldn't be here the first anniversary either... and when I was here the following Christmas I was amazed. But I still did the same thing the whole next year thinking we wouldn't be here the next Christmas... but alas we were. I try not to get my hopes built up anymore but I sure feel alot better when I think it will be soon. As I've said before I don't do very well when I think its going to be years and years.

The spirtual attacks were bad then and still are (although I've figured out the source of the problem and can rebuke him). And I am terrified of losing someone else. I know this kind of fear comes from satan but I can't help it. At one time we lived in a 'God forbid my child die' world but now we know it can happen to us too!!! I try to tell myself that surely God wouldn't take anyone else from me but I just don't know.
Satan has also told me countless times that Jason isn't in heaven and also that my other son isn't going there. I know better now. But I'll tell you... I've spent many days and nights (ceaselessly) crying out to God 'PLEASE LET HIM BE WITH YOU AND SAVE THE REST OF US'. I was frantic, in fact I have worn myself out praying because of constant fear and agony. Satan has definitely been after me and my family... its not fun.

God Bless all of you who know what I'm talking about by your own experiences. :hug

[jayna]

TrustingHim, I'm not married and didn't have a husband at that time either, but I can understand the problems your facing. If I had been married I'm sure I wouldn't be now!!! I'm saying a prayer for your family!!

And even though my friends showed up to be with me during that time they haven't had a thing to do with me since then. They do think I should be over it and don't want me bringing them down I guess. One friend dropped by the house a couple of years after it happened and never mentioned Jason's name but was staring at all the pics of him I still have around the house. She considered Jason as a son too... because her son was one of his best friends. But mention Jason she did not. I was in shock that she was looking at Jason's pics as if it was the first time she'd thought about him since then and probably wondered why I still hung on to him by still having pics out. I may be reading things into her mind.. but thats the way I took it. I never heard from her again either. Sometimes I wish people understood that their quietness hurts me too.... I wish someone would act like he's still in their memory. But I guess thats too painful for them.


What a hard life!!

[Amanda's mom]

TrustingHim, I'm not married and didn't have a husband at that time either, but I can understand the problems your facing. If I had been married I'm sure I wouldn't be now!!! I'm saying a prayer for your family!!
I have been so blessed that my husband is also a believer and we have been able to share our grief, at least part of it and at least so far. Neither of us blame the other although I think we both blame ourselves. We know that the other had no control over Amanda playing her game in her room although we each say to ourselves "what if I had..." it's never been "what if he/she had..." I thank God for that.


I was in shock that she was looking at Jason's pics as if it was the first time she'd thought about him since then and probably wondered why I still hung on to him by still having pics out. I may be reading things into her mind.. but thats the way I took it. I never heard from her again either. Sometimes I wish people understood that their quietness hurts me too.... I wish someone would act like he's still in their memory. But I guess thats too painful for them.


What a hard life!!

I have more of Amanda's pictures out than ever before. At first, one of my girls was jealous but then she realized that the pictures were all I had left. She actually had a special laser picture made of herself, Amanda, my other daughter and our puppy for me for Christmas. My friends really don't visit so I never had to experience what you did. One of Amanda's friends was at the store tonight. She talked with my oldest daughter but said not one word to me. She looked terrified of me and I don't know why. Her mom didn't say hi either. Sigh.

[jadeeyes]

It's a shame that most people seem to be afraid of talking to the bereaved. My brother died shortly after my parents divorced. Two months before his death, my little brother and I were taken from our home by our mother. We had to leave our 2 older brothers, our Dad, our home, our neighborhood, our friends, our schools, everything that was important to us. Mom moved us into a 1 bedroom apartment with her married boyfriend who had 2 kids of his own and was a stranger to us. He was also an alcoholic and he and my Mom spent most nights in one bar or another. Mom would leave for work in the morning and then we'd leave for school and we often didn't see her again until the following morning. We were sad, heartbroken and all alone. And then Mike died. It was Monday of midterm exam week at my high school. I came home from school on Monday afternoon, Mom went to the bar, and we learned that evening that my brother was dead. I returned to school the following Monday and was told that I had to make up all my exams. My class had sent flowers for the funeral, but nobody ever asked me how I was doing. In fact, it was never mentioned. During the wake and funeral and that entire week, only 1 person asked me how I was doing. He had been Mike's and my English teacher in 9th grade. Nobody hugged me. Nobody comforted me. My Mom assured me that she was the one who had suffered a loss. And the Monday my little brother and I returned to school, Mom spent the evening at the bar again. Nothing had changed except 2 hurting kids were hurting even more. We cried all alone and no one ever heard. If we didn't have each other, I don't know how we would have survived. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable to talk to someone who is grieving and it may be hard to know what to say. I have learned since my experience that it's important for me to set aside my discomfort and my fear of having nothing to say. I always try to take some time to let those who have suffered loss that I am sorry for their pain and I've learned that sometimes it's ok to put your arms around the one who is grieving and both of you can have a good cry together.

[nannyto3]

:thinking
Jason's twin (who is 33 now) hurts very much I know. But being a guy he doesn't talk about it. Sometimes I wish he would talk about it with me but he doesn't. Its a guy thing I know. I wish our surviving children didn't have to hurt this way.


I have two sons. Sarah was in the middle. The oldest is 6 years old than Sarah and the youngest was 16 months younger than her. My oldest handled what happened pretty well. He was 22 and a junior in college. He always wanted to be in law enforcement and is now living that dream as a TN State Trooper. My youngest was an overachiever, was first in his class which had almost 600 students. He was in the 10th grade when Sarah was murdered. I saw that confident overachiever go into a shell. He is almost 27 and we are just now 11 years later seeing some of the spark that was there. He did finish high school, close to 200 in his class from being #1. He did attend college some, but never got his degree. He lives in Florida and is a server at a restaurant. But I have to praise God for the change I am seeing. The change in him was definitely the result of Sarah's murder. I feel like he lost his way for a while. But his mom never stopped praying and I just always felt like God would protect him, even from himself if need be. He is not where I know he would have been, but I am pleased in the progress he has made. He doesn't talk much about Sarah or her murder. But he knows he is loved and I remind him everytime I talk with him how much God loves him.

[ihope]

:hugs to all and :praying Jesus hugs our children tonight and everyday for all of us. :hug:hug :pray