What to do.......long read but please advise

[buzzbee]

Hmmmmmmmm to confirm this theory I will ask Hubby what this week's winning lotto numbers will be.:heh

Since you don't mind, Seemomgonuts ( :hug ), I will briefly de-rail with my own thingie.

My friend either makes a lot of irritating-to-me comments or I am tuned into them more than I realize.

I am going through an absolutely gut-wrenching time with my teen daughter. It has been going on for nearly a year and a half now. We have had to uproot her from her surroundings here for her own safety. It has been one of the worst experiences of my life. I also have a young son (just turned 8). My friend has two boys (8 and 6). They bicker like regular sibs. When they do something like bicker or argue with their parents she will turn to me and say, "Aren't you glad you only have one to worry about?" It feels like a sucker punch to my gut because she knows what I have been going through. It feels like because she is feeling uncomfortable she makes herself feel better by kicking me a little. I don't think it is her intention to hurt me but only to make herself feel better? Last time I said, "I think every type of parenting holds its own challenges." She quirped, "I'm only kidding." It's getting more and more difficult to take these comments. I love her dearly. I'm praying for the right time and way to approach this so we do not have a loss of friendship. Oh. She's lives right next door to me!

[Seemomgonuts]

I totally understand what you are going through since that is part of my situation. Those little comments sure cut deep sometimes, don't they? :hug Sounds like your friend is a "one-upper" like mine. Your problems will never be as bad as hers, or your joys not as great, your walk with the Lord is inferior, your choices are not what she would do. She can't give a compliment or lend a hand without a motive. :gaah

I feel for you girl! I can't imagine having to live right next door and need a break. I'll be praying for you. :hug

[funmudder]

I'm a rather blunt person (ask buzzbee lol) and I am firmly of the "The truth will set you free" train of thought.

Be honest with her, but firm. You need a time out. Sometimes it helps to write it out in a letter form.

The thing is, she sounds miserable, so really, there is nothing you can say that she is not going to find a way to be angry about, so she might as well hear the truth. That your husband confirmed it makes it even more evident you need to walk away for awhile. HER bad attitude is imapcting negatively on your family as a whole (if momma aint happy aint no one happy). So in that sense, for the good of your primarey ministry(your family) you have to walk away from her for awhile.

:hug

[MurphtheSquirt]

What funmudder said.

I had some friends that I had to back away from. They were so negative that it would bring me down.

That sounds like what might be best for you. It's hard enough to find the "joy of the Lord" as it is, without negative influences making it more difficult.

Murph

[buzzbee]

I totally understand what you are going through since that is part of my situation. Those little comments sure cut deep sometimes, don't they? :hug Sounds like your friend is a "one-upper" like mine. Your problems will never be as bad as hers, or your joys not as great, your walk with the Lord is inferior, your choices are not what she would do. She can't give a compliment or lend a hand without a motive. :gaah

I feel for you girl! I can't imagine having to live right next door and need a break. I'll be praying for you. :hug

Those comments are a stinker! Yes! I have been trying to see it a bit deeper. "WHY do these comments affect me so?" "WHY do I pick up on them so sharply?" Somewhere inside of me I believe it to be so but somewhere else inside of me I am quite indignant that someone would point this out to me. If I'm being honest.....

Yes. It IS, for lack of a better word, easier, perhaps, to deal with one child but only if you want to dissect it this way. Behind the scenes I am gut-wrenched over my teen daughter. But yes, if we are looking only at this aspect of one young son at home, okay, yeah, I do have it easier than you. So am I competing with her for "who has it worse"? Or maybe we are both competing.

My plan: to stop listening for these comments. to stop anticipating them. to start listening to her heart cries and put aside my pride long enough to reach back and say, "you sound tired; you sound frustrated; what you are going through is difficult". I have a deep feeling that this is exactly what I need to do because I feel a rear up of my pride at the thought of it.

Thank you, Seemomgonuts, for a space to think this out honestly.

[funmudder]

And you should also slap her with a fish.



'just sayin

[Seemomgonuts]

Yes. It IS, for lack of a better word, easier, perhaps, to deal with one child but only if you want to dissect it this way. Behind the scenes I am gut-wrenched over my teen daughter. But yes, if we are looking only at this aspect of one young son at home, okay, yeah, I do have it easier than you. So am I competing with her for "who has it worse"? Or maybe we are both competing.

My plan: to stop listening for these comments. to stop anticipating them. to start listening to her heart cries and put aside my pride long enough to reach back and say, "you sound tired; you sound frustrated; what you are going through is difficult". I have a deep feeling that this is exactly what I need to do because I feel a rear up of my pride at the thought of it.

Thank you, Seemomgonuts, for a space to think this out honestly.


What I bolded in your post is what I was getting at in my last response to you. :nod Competition! I am sure you didn't originally seek to compete with her but I guess it just happens after a while because you feel like you have to justify every complaint you make. Am I right?

I think your plan is a good one (with honorable mention to funmudder's plan :heh ) and because you feel resistance to it pride wise, it is probably what you should do. I know that won't be easy and that is a big leap of faith on your part, but keep praying that the Lord would soften your heart towards her and He will. I need to keep praying that for myself as well. :hug

[funmudder]

I have LOTS of fish Seemomgonuts, plenty for everyone :heh


:hug

[BabySteps]

(on a side note, if I was getting my nails done and someone complained about my spending habits I would justify it by saying and placing my finger in my nose..."all the better to pick with")


:pound :heh

[nurse09]

I have had a friend for a couple of years that up until a five months ago I was really close to. Our kids are friends, we live around the corner from each other, we go to the same church, and we homeschool in the same homeschool group.

Ever since she had her 4th child she has been really catty towards me. She is turning into a miserable person, negative and nothing is ever ok. This child was not planned, neither was their 3rd child. She seems bitter over this under the guise of I have 2 more kids than you do so I must trust God with my finances more than you do (they are flat broke). My DH got a vas 2 years ago because we knew we were done having kiddos.....our 2 are plenty, financially and otherwise. Somehow she confuses my only having 2 kids with not trusting God enough to just keep on having more than I can handle. What I call responsibility, she calls lack of faith.

She has been on this holier than thou kick with everything I do, if I get my nails done it is because I am not thrifty with my Hubby's money (Hubby sees it differently than her since I spend so very little on groceries and I homeschool, he has zero problem indulging me).

Since we go to the same church across town and gas is expensive we have been doing the "you drop off and I pick up" for wednesday night kids church. That is........up until recently. She got on this "I will do both pick up and drop off" kick for a while (with me agreeing but nervous about doing so). I found out a few weeks ago from her that "I am not doing my share". What? So I politely insisted that I go back to dropping off and have done so since. Tonight she calls and says "could you drop off and pick up tonight since I ALWAYS do both".

That was the final straw. I said ok and hung up. I have a big problem with the words always and never. That to me means that the times I did do it were for nothing because she magically forgot about it to put her bad mood off on me once again. I think it makes her feel better. I understand her life is more stressful than mine, but I am not to blame for her stress, nor do I apreciate it being directed towards me that I am the lesser friend. With the exception of that period of time I told you about, I have always done my fair share of driving. I treat her to dinner when she needs girl time, I lend her homeschool material, her kids play over here all the time so she can have a break but she will never have other kids at her house. I make her family lunch (nice spreads too) when they cannot afford it (5 of them not including the baby) I have never asked for thanks from her for anything I have done.....nor has she offered up thanks.

Sorry for the long read. I want to be friends with her but she is trying my patience. Do you have any advice for me? I have been praying about this and it seems to be getting worse. I want to tell her how I feel but I am afraid I will hurt her feelings. Do I just stop talking to her for a while? Avoiding her will be difficult but I can make it happen for a few months because of summer.


I am sorry that you are going through this; especially with someone that is supposed to be your friend. I would just talk to her; Ask her what is going on with her. Tell her how her attitude and behavior are making you feel. Who knows, if you try to talk to her about it she might realize she has been acting like a jerk. If you make that effort at least if things end you will know that you did EVERYTHING you could on your part.

*~Thoughts & prayers for you ~*