need advice

[Live4Jesus]

need some advice please

My 19 yr old DS is newly married and about to be deployed to Iraq. At first I got along with my DIL great. I thought she was a sweet girl and we did lots of things together - lunch, shopping, etc. I didn't like a few things - she was kind of flaky - but I figured it just had to do with her age - she is also 19 - plus she was spoiled big time by her parents when she was growing up.

About a month or so ago, things started to change. She didn't return my calls and I found out that when my daughter (who was 17 at the time) tried to sneak out of state, it was my DIL that planned it. When confronted about it, she lied. This is just one example.

DH, DS and I are trying to rebuild our relationship. He didn't live with us from the time he was 14. We'd really like to make sure that our relationship is healed (we know that's not going to happen in such a short time but we'd like to get things going and we have been working on it) and that we spend as much time with DS as we can before he gets deployed (he only has about 3 weeks left). DS also has a tendancy to not return phone calls, lie and he is also flaky. Both of them are manipulative to say the least. They just went on leave and were supposed to visit DH's family while they were there and they totally blew them off. DH's family were quite upset by this.

Anyway, I just am really hurt and angry by what DIL has done. (I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like I am left out as it is in life.) I know that if we confront DS and DIL about all of this, we can probably forget about our relationship all together. They tend to blow people off if they don't get their way or if anyone confronts them about behavior that is not acceptable.

I know I need to pray (been doing that) and give it all up to God (been trying to do that), but what do you suggest I do? Should I just let it all go or confront them or what? We just really don't feel that we are being treated right.

We know that we will hardly even see DIL once DS gets deployed. Oh and DD is moving in with DIL once DS gets deployed.

[Solo Fide]

Wow, that's quite a tangled web- especially with that last fact thrown in there about DD moving in with DIL when DS goes to Iraq. (can someone tell me what the "D" before daughter and son and husband means!)

The only thing I can suggest is that you want an appropriate relationship! It sounds like the only kind of relationship you can have is one on their distorted terms- not good. My experience is that you will be used and abused! If confrontation makes them run- so be it! I've been through this myself and it is very difficult, so I feel your pain! I have 3 kids that I had to do that with and only 1 came back- so far.

As for your daughter- she isn't 18 yet so you should still have a say in where she lives. That should be up to you.

BTW, I've had 2 of the 3 kids in Iraq at the same time! All this is not easy for you I'm sure!

Of course, you have to follow your husband, but if he is willing, I would never cave in to allowing the kids to "run" the relationship in a way that wasn't respectful and honoring to you both.

[Live4Jesus]

Thank you for your reply.

One of the things I'm afraid of (as is DH) is that when they start having kids, we won't get to see our grandbabies because of all this.

DD is 18 now so we don't have a say anymore. But we do have a say about our 15 yr old DS and if he spends time at their house or not.

oh, and the "D" stands for "dear"

[Cd4u_2]

I think Your DIL was young and didn't know any better when she helped your daughter. That's what young people do.

When she get older, she probably will be wiser and will realize what she did was a stupid thing to do to help someone run away.

And being deploy for iraq, well some people have different ways to handle their stress: some cry and some get angry

I say just to have dinner with them and have alittle good time. It could be the last time you see them. Otherwise, they will think no one really cares if they live or died (BTW, I do think they may be suffering depression)

[Raye007]

Hi Missy
What do the Initials mean just wondering

[Live4Jesus]

DH - dear hubby
DS - dear son
DIL - daughter in law
DD - dear daughter

[Solo Fide]

Hi Missy,
I know what you mean about the grandchildren to be, but I've had friends who have "stuck it out" with the kids (for the sake of the grandchildren) and put up with their craziness and have gotten nothing but heart ache in return! If your kids aren't willing to be respectful of you and your beliefs and you allow them to "run" the relationship you are in for nothing but hurt. Don't forget, your kids will be in charge of those grandchildren and they will be brought up with their mindset. And if there is any manipulation in your DS or DIL they will use the kids this way too. I've seen it- my friends have been devastated by it. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but I've seen it over and over. If you let the craziness be in control it will be crazy.

God bless you in your decision, I know it's tough,
Solo Fide

[Raye007]

Thank you Missy

[farmgirl]

Ok don't shoot me here, because I truly feel bad that you have all these barriers to a good relationship with your son. I just wanted to share some reasons why you might be seeing this behavior. I got married very young (20) to my husband who was also 20. We had a very rocky relationship with my inlaws. A lot of it was due to us and our immaturity, I know. But some of what you said rang a bell. We frequently did not answer our phone or visit his relatives when we were asked to. Most of that was due to being so much in love and wanting to spend time alone together building this brand new marriage. After work and school we felt the time we had being alone together was so scarce as it was. With your son leaving, your DIL may feel like every second alone is precious. We did not return calls because we did not feel like being scolded or confronted and it was easier to just slide away from confrontation. We felt his parents were trying to control us and were not treating us as an adult married couple. Being so young, we felt that his parents would "win" every confrontation or it would just get ugly, and we really wanted to be left in peace for a while. Very immature I know....but not being deliberately unkind. Also as a very young adult you still feel threatened by your parents, that they will somehow take away your fragile independence and treat you like a child. The more you pressure them the more they will slide away IMHO. We actually spent some holidays away any extended family because there was so much tension there and we wanted to be able to relax and enjoy the holidays instead of walking on eggshells. As you are Christian I am sure you are much more loving, forgiving and patient than my inlaws were, and if my reflections are way off base for your situation please disregard them entirely. I was just remembering what it was like to be 20 and just married. :hug

[Live4Jesus]

farmgirl I do understand what you are saying and I have thought about the whole we are still DS's parents thing. It's just they have time for other people but not US. Even with DIL's parents - they are on the phone with them all the time and when they were on leave, they didn't even call DH's family.

Well, I think I am just going to let it go. If they want to be the way they are, then fine. It's just hard when it's your child.