Courage?

[*Rachel1234*]

My 12 year old son has always been shy and gentle, which is fine, but I've noticed lately that he lets people (usually "friends") push him around. He takes it and smiles, but it's killing me. I've tried talking to him, and explaining to him the necessity of sticking up for oneself, but he seems to think that "being nice" is the way to win friends. His version of "being nice" includes letting other kids treat him unkindly and get away with it.
Part of me wonders if it isn't also a bit of fear of confrontation or a "fight". I've explained to him that it's better to stand up for oneself, even if you lose, than to shrink back and allow others to step on you. I've explained self-respect and how we teach others how to treat us by what we allow or don't allow them to do to us. And how people will respect him MORE if he stands up for himself and doesn't allow others to treat him disrespectfully.

I think he understand in his head ....... but I don't think it's in his heart. I really don't think he "gets it" in his heart.

How do we teach our son courage from the heart?

How do you teach a child/young adult the ability to stand up for oneself and for whats right, even though you may still feel fear - the ability to be afraid and yet still go out to the battle (like David and Goliath). The ability to fight the good fight, and defend one's honor.

It's a heart thing - that powerful feeling in your heart when you're called on to be brave - that feeling of fear mixed with determination and conviction. How do you teach that to your child?

Since this is a 12 year old boy, I thought I'd seek advice from men (since you've been a 12 year old boy, and hopefully can still connect with what he's feeling/going through). Thanks for any input.

(by the way, my husband has had several talks with him already, but my son's behavior has not changed). :( I'm at a loss. He's such a sweet and kind boy, he always tries to do what Jesus wants him to do .... but I want him to be brave too ... because watching other kids treat him unkindly is killing me. :(


It may be "wordly" of me, but as his mother, just once, just ONCE ..... I'd love to see him confront one of those kids .... look them square in the eye and tell them to cut it out before he knocks them out. Not that I'm advocating fighting or anything - I'd just love to see him stand up for himself. That's all.




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[frodo82801]

Kids are nasty that way. They can smell a push over like dogs smell fear.

There are consequences to allowing others to walk all over you. Maybe you can point out some of those.

I was kicked around a fair amount as a kid. The thing that's very important is to have a father or male who who encourage you to stand your ground. I didn't and it took me years into adult life to get some backbone.

Being nice to have friends is a sign of insecurity. That's probably a place to explore.

[Barachem]

I was the same up until my late 20s, shy, weak, defenseless and a target for bullies.
Then i had to live on my own and god reformed me into someone who is able to defend and take out others if necessary.
And i'm rather more protective of others than myself.

Pray hard and pray even harder and then tell your son to stand up for himself and then pray more.
Prayer will help in some way.

[Stonewall]

The best way to develop courage among other people, is to develop other kinds of courage in non-human interaction. Find something that he is interested in that is very difficult, scary or new. Without 'mothering,' encourage him to face those fears, preferably allowing him to make that decision to confront the fear himself.

Examples? First option - sports. If he likes baseball, or even wants to try it - being confident around a ball coming at you very fast is the type of confidence that will, over time, transfer to other personal interactions. If he likes to hit, have Dad throw him a couple of pitches much harder than usual and inside...if he gets hit, he gets hit. It's an accident, and he'll learn to shake it off. He may react very negatively at first...but over days or weeks, he will want to get back out there, realizing it didn't hurt as much as he thought. Sooner or later, he doesn't blink in a situation that used to be very intimidating.

Similar things exist in other sports - whether it be a very physical game of basketball, a couple of good hits in football/hockey, etc.

Outside of sports, hunting or simple riflery is often helpful. It teaches a young man that powerful, scary weapons can be handled safely and confidently.

See if he likes to climb trees. Or wrestle with a huge dog. Or go alone into deep woods or creeks, trying to catch fish or turtles with his bare hands.

Basically, find something physically challenging and scary that he can conquer, and I assure you that moral/personal courage will follow.

But it can be a slow process. At 12, you've still got time :) Best of luck.

Soon, without even knowing it, he'll feel "Hey, I got plowed over by a guy twice my weight yesterday, hit with a fastball the day before that, and my shoulder still hurts from too much shooting....these bullies (or just rude people) aren't even worth my time and they're not scary at all."

[SumSam]

The best way to develop courage among other people, is to develop other kinds of courage in non-human interaction. Find something that he is interested in that is very difficult, scary or new. Without 'mothering,' encourage him to face those fears, preferably allowing him to make that decision to confront the fear himself.

Examples? First option - sports. If he likes baseball, or even wants to try it - being confident around a ball coming at you very fast is the type of confidence that will, over time, transfer to other personal interactions. If he likes to hit, have Dad throw him a couple of pitches much harder than usual and inside...if he gets hit, he gets hit. It's an accident, and he'll learn to shake it off. He may react very negatively at first...but over days or weeks, he will want to get back out there, realizing it didn't hurt as much as he thought. Sooner or later, he doesn't blink in a situation that used to be very intimidating.

Similar things exist in other sports - whether it be a very physical game of basketball, a couple of good hits in football/hockey, etc.

Outside of sports, hunting or simple riflery is often helpful. It teaches a young man that powerful, scary weapons can be handled safely and confidently.

See if he likes to climb trees. Or wrestle with a huge dog. Or go alone into deep woods or creeks, trying to catch fish or turtles with his bare hands.

Basically, find something physically challenging and scary that he can conquer, and I assure you that moral/personal courage will follow.

But it can be a slow process. At 12, you've still got time :) Best of luck.

Soon, without even knowing it, he'll feel "Hey, I got plowed over by a guy twice my weight yesterday, hit with a fastball the day before that, and my shoulder still hurts from too much shooting....these bullies (or just rude people) aren't even worth my time and they're not scary at all."

Excellent advice! :thumb

[Tall Timbers]

I would suggest you consider taekwondo. It takes several years before the training becomes meaningful, so it requires patience and dedication, and perseverance. Visit all the local taekwondo schools in your area, watch a class so you can verify that they're good with kids. Also look for a school that teaches under a more common federation in your area, so you'll have more options if you want to change schools down the road... that way you don't have to start over.

It is the one thing I have my kids do whether or not they consent. All the other activities that they're involved in are by their own choice. Bless you and your boy.

[*Rachel1234*]

Thank you all for your advice. :hug You've given me a lot to think about, and some really good ideas that I'm following up on. I'm going to put a few of these ideas into practice, and see if it helps him. It can't hurt, can it?! :)

Thank you all again!


:)

[republic74]

I will pray for your son.

[*Rachel1234*]

I will pray for your son.

Thank you! :hug





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[Wally]

Memories.

Yes I was there at one time but I stepped a different direction. I became introverted. It was too dangerous to go out so I tended to read, build models, and play with my trains.

My Dad loved me very much and would ask what was up. I'd tell him of the bullies or people that just were nasty. He said to stand up to them. Well it wasn't long until someone started picking on me. Finally one day I went home crying - it was how I delt with pain and stress. I did not hold it in. My Dad related a similar story of his youth about a bully.

This kid would chase him of the playground or otherwise terrorize him. Till one day the bully said he was going to hunt him down and beat him up - for no reason. Well my Dad was early and instead of running home he just sat down and cried. He became angry with the injustice and when the bully appeared, he proceeded to convince him never to bother him again.

My Dad looked at me and said "Your day will come." And it did. The kid and I fought in the hall of my elementary school. I almost seriously hurt him but just then the Principal showed up, seperated us and I sat in her office for 5 minuets. She returned, sent me home and never a word was spoken about it.
Those were the days.

By High school, it was somewhat different, but I learned, face them with truth. I remember clearly asking bullies why, what did I do? And they were dumbfounded or made some comment like: Because. I would then reply, well I'd rather be your friend but if I must, I guess we'll have to fight, but I don't fight to win, I fight to survive. They never touched me.

Accomidation is not right. Hopefully your young man is developing the Value of Justice. It's OK to be mad about injustice, but coddling it only feeds it.

If it is possible, your son needs to get into a group where there is:
Adult mentoring
Value reinforcing
Reward for responsible behavior
Peer Support

I would advocate Boy Scouts (Please not because I'm an Assistant Scoutmaster) but because of the design and way it works. You will have to be picky as to the troop you join because as in everything in this world, the quality is dependent on its members.

But most of all, Pray with your son. Make sure he knows how special he is to you. Give him challenges and reward accordingly. (privilege is a better reward)
Then be patient, somethings God is using to develope character.

If given the choice, I would want to be a peacemaker too.