SilentShout
February 29th, 2008, 04:01 AM
Well anyway, I have to PRAISE THE LORD. For those of you who don't know my story I'll share it with you.
And Sorry for this being so long!!!
My name is Cj and I was born in the bay area and lived in Sacramento the first 7 years of my life. I grew up in a Christian home, though my dad was distant from me, I was a complete mommas boy. I had two nieces, who were both older than I was and two older sisters. They were my life! I loved them completly and never had an ill thought about any of them. My sister practically raised me, my mom was a working woman. My dad was also at work, it seemed like 24/7. My brother in law was very harsh to me, he always made me cry and I didn't like him as much as everyone else. One day my brother in laws younger brother came over. I was about 6 he was much much older. It was (I think Easter day) while everyone was outside we were inside. He began to touch me. I didn't know what he was doing, but he kept saying, "I saw this in a movie", "it's just a game". Well, this went on for several years. Finally in 1999 we moved from Sacramento, to southern California. I didn't have any friends at all and I was all alone. All I had was my nieces and sisters and mom. (Which is a lot!) I never really understood why that boy touched me the way he did, but I had a growing mind, a forgetful one. I made friends with another boy around the corner. 3 years older than me, I can remember. He invited me into his house and introduced me to pornography. More specifically, homosexual pornography. I was disgusted when I saw it and I felt a heaviness in my chest. I went home and never talked to him again. He moved a few months later, praise the Lord. In about the 6th grade I made friends again with a boy named Raymond. He was my best bud. I spent the night over at his house, played music together played outside, we did everything. Well, he new I was head over heels about this girl. Well, I got together with him and made a love note, and proclaimed my love for her. I was in the 6th grade, I was insecure, and terrified and a wreck all wrapped in a nice ball with an ugly bow. Raymond's sister gave her the note and called her on the phone the next day, ( I was there ). So I listened as she talked on the phone and she looked really sad. I asked her, "What's wrong......." knowing what she was going to tell me. She hung up the phone and said, "Her mom said she can't date because she's too young and is a Jehova's witness." I sank in my chair all embarassed and I couldn't face her ever again. A few months later, my best friend Raymond came to school holding her hand. I never asked him what was going on, but he told me. "Me and her are together now... sorry". And I was absolutly crushed. At this point in my life I couldn't trust boys anymore, I drew closer to girls more, and I became friends with many of them. It wasn't until the 7th grade that I had feelings for other boys. I tried to hide them and force them away, but they wouldn't go away no matter how hard I prayed. I had a total of maybe 2 male aquaintances in middle school. I befriended a girl named Megan, whom I loved as a sister. We did everything together. Just like I did with Raymond. Well, our friendship lasted long into high school, and to supress my feeling, I was very critical and negative about the homosexual lifestyle. If you didn't know me you'd think I was from Westboro Baptist. And one day I upset Megan and all I remember saying is, "Gay people are going to hell Megan and theres nothing you can do or say to stop it!!". Anyway I didn't talk to her for a whole half year. When our friendship was quiet, I met Alexis. She was such a cute little bug you wouldn't even believe. She was also an atheist one day and an agnostic the other. But I didn't care. I asked her to do something with me one day in Business Law class. October 6 2006 was the date. We sparked an immediate friendship, and Satan was about to try to get me under. You see Alexis was in a relationship with a girl named Katie. Who lived in a previous city that Alexis had lived in. So they kept in contact and I would talk to them both, tell them how adorable they were and what not. Love is love right?? I "Came Out" to her and she just pushed the lifestyle on me like nobodys business. One day I was Cj. The next I was flamboyant-rainbow wearing- activist- liberal - GSA student Cj. I completly came out of my 'shell' if you will.
Things were going swell, and I made other friends in the GSA class. Which is Gay-Straight Alliance. I met this one girl Sarah in another class though, which she seemed to remember me from middle school, but I hadn't. Anyway we went to the mall one day and we went into Gottschalks. She was trying on clothes and doing all the things girls usually do. Until she said, "Okay, let's go somewhere else". So we left Gottschalks and she said, "Psttt look". And I looked over and she pulled out the blouse she had just tried on at Gottschalks. I was SCHOCKED. I couldn't believe she could do such a thing. So, I dwelt on it for a while and she said, "Do you think you can do it?" And I said very stupidly, "Do what???" And she just pulled out the blouse for reference. And I said, "I bet I can." So I went into JC Penny's and stole a very expensive pair of jeans. I felt super guilty coming home that night, and I hid the jeans in the bottom drawer. A few weeks later as I had suppresed the Holy Spirits discernment, which was I now see him working on me back then ( :yeah ) I wore them to school and boasted about how easy it was, and told them the price, and showed them the tags and, I was so into this new life I was in heaven. Or so I thought.
Few months had passed and my old friend Megan was sitting in the lunchroom. I Decided to apologize to her about everything and told her that I was really gay and didn't mean a word I said. In fact I was an agnostic. So i wrote her this long not and had a friend give it to her. By the end of the day she was running through halls looking for me, and she said, "Here take this" it was a note with hearts on it. I opened it and it read, " It's okay I forgive you. By the way, I'm Bisexual." My jaw dropped and I just felt again the heaviness in my chest. I didn't know it was The Holy Spirit, but I felt it. It's what Charles Stanley calls, "Static in the heart". Anyway, she introduced me to her friend who was a senior, I was only a sophomore, and she said, "He's interested in you, why don't you give him a call". So, before long we started dating. I felt so guilty throughout the whole fiasco that I had to call it quits.
Meanwhile, I was taking people to the mall to show them how I perfected the art of thievery. We would bring backpack and go into stores and just fill them. We lifted thousands of dollars of stuff in the months we were doing it. Many store layouts changed and mirrors were added, but we didn't care. One day I was in a store and I took a pair of pants. As I was walking out, "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP" I looked behing me and here was an employee coming at me, so I ran to the nearest shop went into their dressing room and hid for about an hour. My heart was racing so fast. I was scared to death. It was just one of the many warnings that the Lord sent my way. But I didn't listen.
One day after a GSA meeting Megan and I went to the mall. I had about 60 dollars worth of gift cards for JC Penneys and I went in there, bought some shirts, (They had the electric tag on them). I Spent my money and as I was leaving I saw the most beautiful pair of sunglasses I thought I had ever seen. Well, I did my thing took them off the shelf and slipped the tags right off and through the barcode tags under some clothes displays and I put them in my shirt like they were mine. They were a measly 10$. We walked out of the store getting ready to leave. You had to walk through the mall to get to the entrance, and I'll never forget, as we were walking I kept saying, "I'm so good, I'm never gonna get caught." And sure enough no sooner I finished that sentence a security guard pulled me by the arm and said, "We need to speak to you about those sunglasses." So we went to the interrogation room and I had to try to play that I stuck them in my shirt becuase I forgot. And she just looked at me and said, "Really?" And I said, "I swear." She held out her hand and there was the barcode tag in her hands. And she said, "Really.." By then I just begged for forgiveness, they called my mom in and they went the whole 9 yards. We now owe them an incredible amount for a pair of 10$ Sunglasses, that I had money for. How STUPID. SO SO SO SO STUPID. Anyone who has every been caught knows what I'm talking about. So, I did my community service, and I went home. I got together all my stolen items and gave them away to a homeless mission around the corner. (Who were Christians!) And two months later I fell on my knees on the brink of suicide and asked our dear Lord Jesus to come into my life an intervene. Had I listend to his warnings I wouldn't be in this position. I know that now.
Anyway its been a year since I have been born again, and I have renounced homosexuality in my life, and have been seperated from my so called "friends". When I told them I had accepted Jesus, the spread rumours and stuff, and they quit talking to me. BUT I DON'T CARE!! I have Jesus!!!!!
And one day I told my mom she would be a grandma again, and she started crying, and I said.." Mom what's the matter. " She said, "I had a dream. I believe it was from The Lord, I was sitting in a house, I don't know where, and a woman came in, she was holding a baby, and behind her you came in holding luggage." She cried and said, you looked so handsome.
Well, since then I have been struggling with homosexuality in my life. I know God has promised me somethin special. That is a family. Not everyone who comes out of that lifestyle will be completly free of those feelings, but I was promised in that one dream that I would be free of it once and for all.
After keeping myself pure for the longest I could remember, I went to bed so so so so so so tired. I had a dream. The most beautiful dream I have ever had. I can remember it so clearly, I can feel it. It was my wife and I walking along a path at night and she was holding my hand. ( Now, I didnt' care what she looked like, All I cared about was that she was there. Because I had been badgering my mom about what she looked like :pound ) He didn't reveal to me what she looked like, but what happened in the dream was QUITE enough for me. I'm still praising him for it. I kept telling her that her hands were so small and she just kissed my hand. As if to say, "Shut up!!" in a friendly way.
I Can praise God with all of my heart now. I have spent almost an hour writing this out, it's all true, its all my past. I've forgiven myself, and I know that He has forgiven me. Now, all I need to do is set him in my sights and as Dr. Stanley says, "Fight your battles on your knees".
Thank you guys and God bless. Please pray for me and my family, thank you so much.
Revelation 21:4 "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
Much Love, And Blessings!!! Cj.
And Sorry for this being so long!!!
My name is Cj and I was born in the bay area and lived in Sacramento the first 7 years of my life. I grew up in a Christian home, though my dad was distant from me, I was a complete mommas boy. I had two nieces, who were both older than I was and two older sisters. They were my life! I loved them completly and never had an ill thought about any of them. My sister practically raised me, my mom was a working woman. My dad was also at work, it seemed like 24/7. My brother in law was very harsh to me, he always made me cry and I didn't like him as much as everyone else. One day my brother in laws younger brother came over. I was about 6 he was much much older. It was (I think Easter day) while everyone was outside we were inside. He began to touch me. I didn't know what he was doing, but he kept saying, "I saw this in a movie", "it's just a game". Well, this went on for several years. Finally in 1999 we moved from Sacramento, to southern California. I didn't have any friends at all and I was all alone. All I had was my nieces and sisters and mom. (Which is a lot!) I never really understood why that boy touched me the way he did, but I had a growing mind, a forgetful one. I made friends with another boy around the corner. 3 years older than me, I can remember. He invited me into his house and introduced me to pornography. More specifically, homosexual pornography. I was disgusted when I saw it and I felt a heaviness in my chest. I went home and never talked to him again. He moved a few months later, praise the Lord. In about the 6th grade I made friends again with a boy named Raymond. He was my best bud. I spent the night over at his house, played music together played outside, we did everything. Well, he new I was head over heels about this girl. Well, I got together with him and made a love note, and proclaimed my love for her. I was in the 6th grade, I was insecure, and terrified and a wreck all wrapped in a nice ball with an ugly bow. Raymond's sister gave her the note and called her on the phone the next day, ( I was there ). So I listened as she talked on the phone and she looked really sad. I asked her, "What's wrong......." knowing what she was going to tell me. She hung up the phone and said, "Her mom said she can't date because she's too young and is a Jehova's witness." I sank in my chair all embarassed and I couldn't face her ever again. A few months later, my best friend Raymond came to school holding her hand. I never asked him what was going on, but he told me. "Me and her are together now... sorry". And I was absolutly crushed. At this point in my life I couldn't trust boys anymore, I drew closer to girls more, and I became friends with many of them. It wasn't until the 7th grade that I had feelings for other boys. I tried to hide them and force them away, but they wouldn't go away no matter how hard I prayed. I had a total of maybe 2 male aquaintances in middle school. I befriended a girl named Megan, whom I loved as a sister. We did everything together. Just like I did with Raymond. Well, our friendship lasted long into high school, and to supress my feeling, I was very critical and negative about the homosexual lifestyle. If you didn't know me you'd think I was from Westboro Baptist. And one day I upset Megan and all I remember saying is, "Gay people are going to hell Megan and theres nothing you can do or say to stop it!!". Anyway I didn't talk to her for a whole half year. When our friendship was quiet, I met Alexis. She was such a cute little bug you wouldn't even believe. She was also an atheist one day and an agnostic the other. But I didn't care. I asked her to do something with me one day in Business Law class. October 6 2006 was the date. We sparked an immediate friendship, and Satan was about to try to get me under. You see Alexis was in a relationship with a girl named Katie. Who lived in a previous city that Alexis had lived in. So they kept in contact and I would talk to them both, tell them how adorable they were and what not. Love is love right?? I "Came Out" to her and she just pushed the lifestyle on me like nobodys business. One day I was Cj. The next I was flamboyant-rainbow wearing- activist- liberal - GSA student Cj. I completly came out of my 'shell' if you will.
Things were going swell, and I made other friends in the GSA class. Which is Gay-Straight Alliance. I met this one girl Sarah in another class though, which she seemed to remember me from middle school, but I hadn't. Anyway we went to the mall one day and we went into Gottschalks. She was trying on clothes and doing all the things girls usually do. Until she said, "Okay, let's go somewhere else". So we left Gottschalks and she said, "Psttt look". And I looked over and she pulled out the blouse she had just tried on at Gottschalks. I was SCHOCKED. I couldn't believe she could do such a thing. So, I dwelt on it for a while and she said, "Do you think you can do it?" And I said very stupidly, "Do what???" And she just pulled out the blouse for reference. And I said, "I bet I can." So I went into JC Penny's and stole a very expensive pair of jeans. I felt super guilty coming home that night, and I hid the jeans in the bottom drawer. A few weeks later as I had suppresed the Holy Spirits discernment, which was I now see him working on me back then ( :yeah ) I wore them to school and boasted about how easy it was, and told them the price, and showed them the tags and, I was so into this new life I was in heaven. Or so I thought.
Few months had passed and my old friend Megan was sitting in the lunchroom. I Decided to apologize to her about everything and told her that I was really gay and didn't mean a word I said. In fact I was an agnostic. So i wrote her this long not and had a friend give it to her. By the end of the day she was running through halls looking for me, and she said, "Here take this" it was a note with hearts on it. I opened it and it read, " It's okay I forgive you. By the way, I'm Bisexual." My jaw dropped and I just felt again the heaviness in my chest. I didn't know it was The Holy Spirit, but I felt it. It's what Charles Stanley calls, "Static in the heart". Anyway, she introduced me to her friend who was a senior, I was only a sophomore, and she said, "He's interested in you, why don't you give him a call". So, before long we started dating. I felt so guilty throughout the whole fiasco that I had to call it quits.
Meanwhile, I was taking people to the mall to show them how I perfected the art of thievery. We would bring backpack and go into stores and just fill them. We lifted thousands of dollars of stuff in the months we were doing it. Many store layouts changed and mirrors were added, but we didn't care. One day I was in a store and I took a pair of pants. As I was walking out, "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP" I looked behing me and here was an employee coming at me, so I ran to the nearest shop went into their dressing room and hid for about an hour. My heart was racing so fast. I was scared to death. It was just one of the many warnings that the Lord sent my way. But I didn't listen.
One day after a GSA meeting Megan and I went to the mall. I had about 60 dollars worth of gift cards for JC Penneys and I went in there, bought some shirts, (They had the electric tag on them). I Spent my money and as I was leaving I saw the most beautiful pair of sunglasses I thought I had ever seen. Well, I did my thing took them off the shelf and slipped the tags right off and through the barcode tags under some clothes displays and I put them in my shirt like they were mine. They were a measly 10$. We walked out of the store getting ready to leave. You had to walk through the mall to get to the entrance, and I'll never forget, as we were walking I kept saying, "I'm so good, I'm never gonna get caught." And sure enough no sooner I finished that sentence a security guard pulled me by the arm and said, "We need to speak to you about those sunglasses." So we went to the interrogation room and I had to try to play that I stuck them in my shirt becuase I forgot. And she just looked at me and said, "Really?" And I said, "I swear." She held out her hand and there was the barcode tag in her hands. And she said, "Really.." By then I just begged for forgiveness, they called my mom in and they went the whole 9 yards. We now owe them an incredible amount for a pair of 10$ Sunglasses, that I had money for. How STUPID. SO SO SO SO STUPID. Anyone who has every been caught knows what I'm talking about. So, I did my community service, and I went home. I got together all my stolen items and gave them away to a homeless mission around the corner. (Who were Christians!) And two months later I fell on my knees on the brink of suicide and asked our dear Lord Jesus to come into my life an intervene. Had I listend to his warnings I wouldn't be in this position. I know that now.
Anyway its been a year since I have been born again, and I have renounced homosexuality in my life, and have been seperated from my so called "friends". When I told them I had accepted Jesus, the spread rumours and stuff, and they quit talking to me. BUT I DON'T CARE!! I have Jesus!!!!!
And one day I told my mom she would be a grandma again, and she started crying, and I said.." Mom what's the matter. " She said, "I had a dream. I believe it was from The Lord, I was sitting in a house, I don't know where, and a woman came in, she was holding a baby, and behind her you came in holding luggage." She cried and said, you looked so handsome.
Well, since then I have been struggling with homosexuality in my life. I know God has promised me somethin special. That is a family. Not everyone who comes out of that lifestyle will be completly free of those feelings, but I was promised in that one dream that I would be free of it once and for all.
After keeping myself pure for the longest I could remember, I went to bed so so so so so so tired. I had a dream. The most beautiful dream I have ever had. I can remember it so clearly, I can feel it. It was my wife and I walking along a path at night and she was holding my hand. ( Now, I didnt' care what she looked like, All I cared about was that she was there. Because I had been badgering my mom about what she looked like :pound ) He didn't reveal to me what she looked like, but what happened in the dream was QUITE enough for me. I'm still praising him for it. I kept telling her that her hands were so small and she just kissed my hand. As if to say, "Shut up!!" in a friendly way.
I Can praise God with all of my heart now. I have spent almost an hour writing this out, it's all true, its all my past. I've forgiven myself, and I know that He has forgiven me. Now, all I need to do is set him in my sights and as Dr. Stanley says, "Fight your battles on your knees".
Thank you guys and God bless. Please pray for me and my family, thank you so much.
Revelation 21:4 "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
Much Love, And Blessings!!! Cj.