4.5 yo daughter still has separation anxiety - help!

[EmmieAZ]

Hi everyone. I was hoping for some advice for our situation as I am getting really tired of it. My DD (who will turn 5 in May) is still having separation anxiety when going to church and preschool. My child is the one who cries and has to be pulled off of my leg kicking and yelling almost every time she goes to church or preschool. After we leave she is fine and smiling when we pick her up saying "I like church/school!" Sometimes even asking to stay. She talks a lot about how much she likes her teachers and most of the kids in her class, so I am not concerned about any issues inside the classroom.

Now, my DD is what you might describe as strong willed. She challenges us on most things, and constantly toes the line to see what she can get away with. She can be incredibly sweet and loving, and for the most part obedient although I am struggling a bit here as well. But the separation issue is causing me a lot of grief right now. Because she is happy when we come and get her, I think that she is doing it mostly for attention. It is very embarassing for my husband and I seeing that she is almost 5 and most kids have outgrown these issues.

I just don't get it. Some days she'll go in with a bit of hesitation, but won't make a scene, and other days it's an all out fit. I tried to find a common denominator for the good and bad days, but it really seems like it is just whenever. She'll be in a great mood and then as soon as I leave, bam!

I am hesitant to spank her if she acts this way because I don't want her to associate church with getting spankings. I am not against spanking but that is a concern of mine.

Any advice would be great. Thanks for listening:)

[MochaMel]

Hmmm, you do have a situation don't ya?!! :hug

I can relate sortof, but my shy dd did outgrow the Sunday School problem of not wanting to go -- she got use to it pretty easily.. Though i felt pushed by the teacher at Sunday School; but she was REAL good with her too! She didn't go to SS until she was 3 y.o. or so.. Maybe a bit older. I don't like pushing them into situations their not comfortable in yet. She's still incredibly shy -- it's just her nature unless she is completely comfortable -- then you get to see MY Katie -- :)

Does your dd have to go? I don't know; if she throws that much fuss, maybe she's just NOT ready yet.. :idunno I'm sure if she really does like it she'll pretty quickly make her own decision to go. :idunno

I don't think she seems to old, but maybe that's cause i have a shy kid that sounds similiar.. Anywho, just my thoughts, i hope they help! :hug

Mel-

[EmmieAZ]

Hmmm, you do have a situation don't ya?!! :hug

I can relate sortof, but my shy dd did outgrow the Sunday School problem of not wanting to go -- she got use to it pretty easily.. Though i felt pushed by the teacher at Sunday School; but she was REAL good with her too! She didn't go to SS until she was 3 y.o. or so.. Maybe a bit older. I don't like pushing them into situations their not comfortable in yet. She's still incredibly shy -- it's just her nature unless she is completely comfortable -- then you get to see MY Katie -- :)

Does your dd have to go? I don't know; if she throws that much fuss, maybe she's just NOT ready yet.. :idunno I'm sure if she really does like it she'll pretty quickly make her own decision to go. :idunno

I don't think she seems to old, but maybe that's cause i have a shy kid that sounds similiar.. Anywho, just my thoughts, i hope they help! :hug

Mel-

Hi Mel:) My DD is definitely not shy! Maybe slow to warm up, but not shy. I guess technically she doesn't have to go, but I really think she should - plus I'm afraid if we start that it might just set us back further. I do understand what you are saying though:)

[EmmieAZ]

You should try moving in the opposite direction, then. In other words, reward the good behavior in the effort to increase it, instead of just punishing the bad. I think a lot of parents (not saying this is you, btw) forget to reward good behavior enough, instead treating it as if it is somehow "the norm" and not something that has to be encouraged. It only becomes the norm after years of shaping and molding. Until then, it has to be encouraged as much as bad behavior has to be discouraged.

So when she is a good girl and detaches quietly, politely, reward her with a hug, and thank her for "acting so grown up." Let her know that when she acts good, you feel better, and you are willing to share those feelings with her. Maybe get her an ice cream on the way home from church or something and remind her why you've done it.

I'd only spank in the worst of incidences, if the bad separations are a small minority of the total. If that's the case, there's only the smallest of chances that she would associate church with spanking.

I totally agree with you. We definitely give her lots of praise and encouragement for the times when she goes without a fight. But those days are few and far between. It's like for every 5 that we struggle, we get 1 good day, maybe. We have tried rewards as well. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. No consistency. This is why I am considering spanking because I feel like we have tried all other avenues (at least that I can think of) and nothing has worked. I just think that she is too old to be acting like this. If she were 3 or just 4, okay, but she is nearly 5.

I appreciate your help!:)

[Sparkles]

Definately a tough situation. Maybe the Teacher can meet you in the parking lot and walk your DD in. Then you won't have the trauma at the door. - Maybe video taping one of her fits and showing it to her would prove to her that her behavior is not acceptable. Ask her what she would think if she saw one of her friends behaving that way. Especially in Church or school where she should be on her best behavior. I think 5 is old enough to understand this behavior is not acceptable. Maybe you can talk to her pediatrician there may some underlying anxiety issue - . Such as is she worried you will forget her? Does she miss you or your Husband? - Does she think the teacher is mean? - ask her a bunch of quetions to get a clue from her but you have to do it in such a way that you aren't putting ideas in her head - like if you say I"s the teacher mean to you?" she may just say Yes because she lthinks thats what you want to hear. Instad you should say "give me an example of when you felt scared in class. " If she can't come up with one then you know she is probably just playing you. She may not be able to bear the thought that you are gonna go show attention to other people beside her. If she is an only child she may not be used to sharing you with other people. -

[EmmieAZ]

Definately a tough situation. Maybe the Teacher can meet you in the parking lot and walk your DD in. Then you won't have the trauma at the door. - Maybe video taping one of her fits and showing it to her would prove to her that her behavior is not acceptable. Ask her what she would think if she saw one of her friends behaving that way. Especially in Church or school where she should be on her best behavior. I think 5 is old enough to understand this behavior is not acceptable. Maybe you can talk to her pediatrician there may some underlying anxiety issue - . Such as is she worried you will forget her? Does she miss you or your Husband? - Does she think the teacher is mean? - ask her a bunch of quetions to get a clue from her but you have to do it in such a way that you aren't putting ideas in her head - like if you say I"s the teacher mean to you?" she may just say Yes because she lthinks thats what you want to hear. Instad you should say "give me an example of when you felt scared in class. " If she can't come up with one then you know she is probably just playing you. She may not be able to bear the thought that you are gonna go show attention to other people beside her. If she is an only child she may not be used to sharing you with other people. -

A lot of good advice, thanks Sparkles:) I talked with her yesterday and she said that she does it because she is sad and doesn't want me to leave. I asked her if she thought I wasn't going to come back and she said she knew I/we would always come back. I think I might try your video idea and have DH discreetly tape it. She has a little brother who also goes to his Sunday school class - no issues with him. Well, we'll see what happens after she watches herself on video:hat

[funmudder]

Can Daddy take her to class instead of you?

[EmmieAZ]

I wish that would work. DH actually does take her to her Sunday school class but not because she is any better for him, but because I take her to preschool two days a week and deal with it then:hehee