The Fifth Commandment?

[Legacy]

I need some help--and maybe others on here are struggling with the same thing--with holding true to the Fifth Commandment: Honor your father and your mother...

Anyone that has read my testimony knows my mom hates me. Whether intentional or not, she has made my life miserable and has hurt me emotionally for as long as I can remember. She constantly bad-mouths me and my husband. My parents got divorced in 2000. Since then, I have been able to develop a great relationship with my dad and this drives her totally insane. I do not rub it in or talk about him much or anything to her as I know she hates the man with every fiber of her being. She seems to thrive off of making me hurt. She writes my dad nasty letters about me (possibly to destroy our relationship??) laced with lies. She took a trip overseas, looked my FIL up and without notice, showed up on his doorstep to tell him what a loser I am (this is a man she met one time over 15 years ago). I could go on and on about what she has done to me, but I think you get the point. I quit talking to her for about 2 years and things mellowed out. Last year, I let her take me to lunch for my birthday to try and develop a relationship with her again. Immediately, she started in again. She's very judgmental and I'm still obviously not meeting her expectations. After a flurry of letters, the trip to my FIL's house, etc, etc...the final straw was a few weeks ago. We turned her in to the authorities for mail theft and mail vandalism. We also told her never to call or contact us again. I'm not sure if this was right, but this woman has GOT to be stopped.

I have decided I'm not going to let her hurt me anymore. What has been bothering me, though, is HOW do you "honor" someone like that? How do I stay Christian through this? What does God want from me in this situation? I just cannot deal with her anymore. I'm not one to walk away from situations that get a little tough. If you knew how hurt I was/am, you'd know why I can't do it anymore. But I don't want to dishonor God through this.

A little background on her faith... She truly, honestly believes she is going to be God in her "next life." She reads books and/or dreams up stuff and that's her gospel. She has always believed strongly in reincarnation. When you try to talk to her about the Bible or the Truth, she totally flips out. You cannot discuss it with her. Whatever she gets in her mind becomes the absolute truth to her, end of subject. There's no changing it unless she comes across something that fits what she wants better.

Anyway, any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. :)

[Amanda's mom]

So I went out to look for a definition of "Honor." Sadly lacking, it is. I did find an article that seems to address your problem at http://www.giveshare.org/family/honorparents.html. But it seems the only bit of advice that would fit here is to honor your mom as an example of what not to do. I had pretty good parents; not perfect, and even still they make mistakes, but they were pretty good parents. So, I can't really give you advice. I can only imagine your pain at being betrayed by the person that is supposed to love you above all other things on earth. :hug

Can you, do you think you might be able to, forgive your mother? Maybe write a letter to her, and copy your dad, explaining that you love her and you thank her for giving you life but that it hurts you terribly when she does these things. Then tell her that you forgive her but that you cannot continue to subject yourself and your family to what she is doing. Tell her that you would be happy to have her visit if she is willing to treat you in a respectful manner and refrain from her hurtful behavior. That you will always love her but this just hurts you too much and you would rather hold to any good memories that you may have of her.

Perhaps my advice here is not good. I don't know. Only you know your mom. Maybe there are others on the board with far better advice but this is what I would think of doing. May the Good Lord heal this terrible wound and help you to forgive your mother.

[funmudder]

Legacy, I didn't read your whole post. I will, but I wanted to share with you the first thing that leapt into my head, ok?

My biological seed donor is about the most mean spirited obnoxious piece of work I've ever encountered in my life.

I've tried and tried to develop a relationship only to have my words and actions twisted to justify his hate filled rage.

So.

One day it was revealed to me that the best way to honor him was to not allow him to instill more hate in my heart. Now, years later, I can truly pray for him out of love. I honor him by not allowing him to further hurt what some part of him must love.

He left me as an infant, and I praise the Lord for it. My mother never spoke ill of him....never spoke at all really about him. She let me learn about him on my own terms and I'm greatful for it. My mom and my step-dad are my 'parents'. They loved me, raised me, kicked my can when I got out of line, taught me right from wrong and loved me no matter how foolish I behaved.

Now step outside the biological connection. Adopted kids. They honor those who raised them, not their blood line that they do not know. That is how it should be. The parents are the ones that raise the little one to be a functioning adult.

[jadeeyes]

Bless you Funmudder. I have dealt with this issue with my mother most of my life. It's hard to honor someone who lies to you and about you and tries to manipulate and control you and has done this for as long as you can remember. And I can remember way back to the age of three. Everything is about her because she's apparently the center of the universe. She thrives on having people feel sorry for her. Throughout my childhood, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't please her. I finally realized that the fault was not mine. I couldn't please her because she refused to be pleased. She screamed, yelled, belittled, critcized and generally made me feel worthless. When she complained about my behaviour and told me what she wanted from me, I learned that it didn't matter. When I did what she said she wanted from me, she raged about how I was just trying to make her look bad with my obedience. You see, she was constantly whining to everyone who would listen about what a worthless piece of trash I was, so when I did what she told me to do, people would tell her I was a good girl and they stopped giving her the attention and sympathy she craved. That made her furious with me. I could go on and on and tell you a million true stories, but the point is that I flat out dislike my mother because she has always been hateful to me. I love her, I pray for her and I try to have a relationship with her, but I don't try as hard as I used to. I pray she'll someday be saved, but she's 78 years old and her time is growing shorter. I believe that praying for and forgiving my mother is honoring her. However, I will not allow her to manipulate me any more. I had no choice but to be her personal doormat when I was a child, but I do have a choice now. I will not be her doormat.

[funmudder]

jadeeyes :hug

[Legacy]

Amanda's Mom-- Thanks for the link! I skimmed through it and will go back to write some of those verses down to study. I didn't realize there were so many referring to honoring your parents. As for forgiveness... ugh! I am 33. A year ago I finally completely forgave her for calling me trash when I was 17. Then when I started talking to her again, all that anger came back. Maybe I hadn't really forgiven her, though I thought I had? As for writing a letter, no way I'd do that again! She LOVES to "write letters" and take any written to her, twist them around (retype them or white out handwritten ones) and send them out to people to use against the original letter writer. I actually have a 7 page letter I wrote to her. I can't bring myself to send it. :ohno But everything I feel is in there. Thank you so much for your post! It helped. :hug

Funmudder-- I never thought of honoring them as not allowing them to hurt you anymore. That's interesting. Will have to think on that again. :scratch Your stepdad sounds awesome! :hug

Jadeeyes-- Until you mentioned your mom's age, I was seriously thinking somehow your mom and my mom was the same person. My mom never screamed and yelled or got loud. She just made it known that I was waaayyyy less than perfect and thrived on the attention she got from it. She is definitely an attention seeker and if she needs to create drama to get it, she does. Since divorcing my dad, she threatens suicide about 20 times a year. She hasn't done it yet, and I don't think she's serious. However, I don't want hatred between us if she does. I know her problems are not my fault, but a lot of times I feel like it is. I'm not the person she wanted for a daughter. I will pray for your mom's salvation. :hug

[jadeeyes]

Legacy, thank you for promising to pray for my mother. I will pray for yours as well. You mentioned your mother threatening suicide. I had a brother commit suicide at the age of 16; my Dad followed suit 15 years later. Within the first year after my brother's death, my Mom was talking about being suicidal. She did it off and on for decades. I finally got through to her that I have absolutely no sympathy for her when she starts talking that way. I know she just wants to make sure I'm laying awake at night worrying about her. I made it clear that I will not lose sleep over such threats, especially since I knew she wasn't serious. The sad thing is that my Mother has very little contact with my brothers or me because she can't have a normal relationship. Trying to have a close relationship with her is like being caught up in a three ring circus and she's the ringmaster. I'm so sorry to hear that others have these same problems with parents. On the other hand, it's comforting to know that someone else understands what it's like to be the child of a sociopathic narcissis.

[Arkrider]

I am so happy to see a thread addressing this. After years of emotional abuse I finally stepped away from my mother (my father passed away several years back). I tried and tried, and kept going back thinking, "maybe this time..." I would be loved and appreciated for having been a good daughter. But every time I reached for love I got poison.

My mother has a very mean spirit living inside her, and I always prayed before going into her house because the attack was immediate. I would always come home actually shaking and it would last for hours.

When my dad was growing weaker and we knew he was going to die (he was 90 years old), I asked if I could bring in someone from my church to pray with him. He had some religious upbringing in his youth and was familiar with much of the Bible, but my mother kept him (and me) away from it .

Anyway, I went with an elderly couple from my church to my parents' house and what happened that day, I'll never forget. As the man started to discuss scripture with my dad, the man's throat kept closing up and he couldn't speak. He asked for water, and I got him some, but he had a difficult time for the short while he and his wife tried to witness to my dad. My dad and my mother continued to nitpick at the smallest things in scripture as being inaccurate, "Some places say Jesus was hanged from a cross, and somewhere else it says a tree."

I explaned that a cross is made from a "tree."

Long story made short, nothing good came from that visit, and as I rode home with the couple from my church they said that what took place was the power of evil trying to silence them, and this has happened before.

That day, I learned just how powerful the enemy is and that he had claimed my parents, who both hated my Christianity.

It's so hard for me with Mother's Day coming up. I will send my mom a "generic" card, as I still love her because she's my mom...I just hate what she does!

[jadeeyes]

:hug Arkrider, I'm sorry that you are yet another victim.her's Day and Mom's birthday are always hard for me. I always want to give her a gift and I look for a card with a loving message, but the cards are all lies. I usually end up getting her something pretty generic because I don't feel comfortable giving her a card filled with insincere flatteries. As it is, she always says things like she's always loved me so very much and she hopes I kniw how much she loves me. It's all designed to presure me into saying something about what a wonderful mother she has always been. Just more manipulation. :rolleyes

[funmudder]

Funmudder-- I never thought of honoring them as not allowing them to hurt you anymore. That's interesting. Will have to think on that again. :scratch Your stepdad sounds awesome! :hug


Legacy :hug

It was a complete blessing to come to that revelation.

I do firmly believe, that tho the man campaigned for my abortion, that he told everyone(including myself) that I was the spawn of treachery on my mothers part...I do believe some part of him does care. And ultimately, I know that God is my Father, while this mean spirited man was an instrument that brought me here. He now sends emails asking for pictures of my kids...which in all honesty I do not want to give him. I have a real fear that he could use them for twisted means. Not perverted, but twisted.

It was 2 years ago after a ping pong of more of the same accusatory vile emails that I received this wisdom. In keeping contact with him, I was developing a real nugget of blackness in my heart. I found I could not even pray for him without very real and shocking hate come up in my prayers. In my prayers!
It has only been by cutting contact that the Lord has given me a heart to pray for him truly in love again. He was, and is, toxic for me.
I had to come to the decision of whether or not I would allow his verbal poison into my children's life, because I know for a fact, I would be the epicenter of his hate in conversation with him. When I realized that, yes, it would go there, I had to understand that I was responsible for protecting them(and myself) from him.

I honor him by not allowing his pain to seep down to his grandchildren.

Oh, and he is a Buddhist. Go figure that one out.:candle