Does the wife always have to make sacrifice?

[Pucci]

We have a family (my family) reunion barbeque every year on the Canada Day weekend. My cousine who organizes this reunion asked me back in April to book July 1st for this barbeque.

Now my husband's friend has invited us to the his cottage for that long weekend and my husband said let's forget about the barbeque and go to the cottage. When I told him that we have already said yes to the barbeque, he said, "well you know this is the only time off I will get this summer and it will be the only time I can go to the cottage, I don't get whole weeks off like you".

So, now I have to tell my cousin that we can't come to the barbeque because we got invited to the cottage. It's always the wife that has to compromise.

[tygerkittn]

Personally, I'd let him go to the cottage and I'd go to the barbecue, but that's just me.

[heart_changed99]

I don't see what it could hurt to go to the cottage instead of the reunion. After all, if it is a yearly thing, then you can make up for it next year. Just my humble opinion.

[LARAGDOLL]

In my honest opinion yes...it is the wife who has to sacrifice. Sorry! I would be aggravated too. I'm more like Tygerkitten. I would probably go to the cottage and then leave and go to the bar-b-que without him.

[BlessedAssurance]

I think you need to go to the cottage. Is it possible to go to the cottage for the weekend, then go to the bbq on July 1? I am sorry, and I JOKE with my mom about wishing I were born a man, but....

Just last night we were talking about allowing the husband to lead. :console

[Krayola]

Here is my take on the situation. First of all, I do not agree that it is always the wife who must sacrifice. Is the husband never expected to sacrifice for his wife? If so, please explain how that is supposed to be a biblical portrait of marriage? :twitch

Regarding this specific situation, let me first point out that you have already accepted the invitation to the BBQ. Now, personally, I think it is rude to accept an invitation to a social gathering, only to cancel later on when a "better offer" comes along.

For example, let's say you were throwing a party. Imagine how you and your guests would feel as this imaginary conversation took place:
"hey I thought John and Susan were coming?....

"No, they cancelled because they were invited to someone else's house"......
Am I the only one who sees this as disrespectful and being in poor taste? :scratch

Now, the fact that this is a family BBQ does give you more leeway. Families are usually much more flexible/more understanding about these things and are less likely to take offense, but there is still an underlying disrespect, IMHO, for him to just expect you to totally blow off the family just because a more fun opportunity for him pops up. That just strikes me as "Me, First" behavior without thinking of how the situation affects other people. (sorry to be so blunt)

Having said all that, I agree that a compromise may be in order here. But let's define compromise. It is a settlement of differences in which each side makes a concession. If you go to the cottage and miss the reunion, that is no compromise, since you are the only one making a concession! An actual compromise would be for you to attend the reunion, and he will go to the cottage, that way you get to visit your family and he will get to enjoy the cottage, and there is less likelihood of your family taking offense since at least one of you will be at the BBQ.

[NewLifeinHim]

^ Fantastic advice there!

[WordyTrees]

We have a family (my family) reunion barbeque every year on the Canada Day weekend. My cousine who organizes this reunion asked me back in April to book July 1st for this barbeque.

Now my husband's friend has invited us to the his cottage for that long weekend and my husband said let's forget about the barbeque and go to the cottage. When I told him that we have already said yes to the barbeque, he said, "well you know this is the only time off I will get this summer and it will be the only time I can go to the cottage, I don't get whole weeks off like you".

So, now I have to tell my cousin that we can't come to the barbeque because we got invited to the cottage. It's always the wife that has to compromise.


Personally, I'd be thrilled to have a reason to avoid crowds and do something peaceful, different, and relaxing. Plus, it is a one time thing and the BBQ is every year. Now, you might prefer the BBQ over the cottage thing. I'd do what he wants to do since he gets less time off from work during the year. Either way, you get to do something leasurely! I think going to the cottage is win/win, and not like you are "losing something".

[ZeldaCA]

Is it at all possible to do both, even if it's inconvenient and involves a lot of travel? Perhaps you can go to the BBQ and then meet DH at the cottage or visa versa? That might give him some male bonding time with his buddies.

If it was my DH and me, we would probably do separate things for that one weekend. A little "away" time won't hurt a good marriage! I think since you already accepted the first invitation that someone is obligated to be there. Just my opinion though!

[Seemomgonuts]

Is your family an issue with him? I only say that because my DH's family was a huge issue with me, he didn't "leave and cleave" until about year 9 into our marriage. His family came before me, and I resented anything to do with them. I too would make alternate plans just to have something for me where I came first. Out of curiosity, how is his relationship with his family? Is it good? The other thing it sounds like is a touch of jealousy over your ability to get time off? If it were me, I would go with him to the cottage, and explain to your family that this is something that really means a lot to him and you need to go. To him I would ask if maybe he can agree to compromise the next time there are plans.

Having said that hon, remember something......refrain from using always and never. Those two words can cause hurt feelings. He doesn't always make you compromise, he hasn't never compromised for you. It feels extreme sometimes, but it is because you are in the moment. If you take a look back, I am sure you will find the ways he has given things up for you that were important to him.

:hug