wife beaters

[lendingheart]

i just posted in prayer request for a friend who was choked last night while holding her 6 year old.

i praise God i am not a victim of abuse.... but i cant get her out of my mind.... she may be in a fight right now... she cant talk to anyone on the phone while he is home now.... he wants all her attention.... and worship so it seems.

anyway im getting off why im posting.

I looked up some info on domestic violence.... and got the national hotline number.... if she comes up today im going to make her call them.

about 7 years ago i lost a friend in a tragic murder that started out as physical abuse and i dont want to see that again.

is there anyone here who can give me some advise on being a great friend to a woman being a abused...... or have you been in an abusive relationship and got out..... can you help me help her?

and of course pray!

[NewWorldOrder]

Oh my goodness! How horrible. :(

Lendingheart, how long before he starts beating the kids. If he did that to her while she was holding the 6 year old; he could have easily hurt that child.

I don't know what to tell you. My first thought is she should press charges, but she may not be willing to do that due to fear.

:pray

[lendingheart]

she is definatly fearful..... while im just plain ole ticked off! Royally!

[lisaann]

I know there was a poster here who lost her mother to domestic violence. I can't remember her name but hopefully she will chime in. I know in the past she has really had some good advice for people here.

One thing you could help your friend do is start a bank account that could be even in your name so that if she ever decided to run she will have her own money. She can secretly pass money to you to deposit for her. $5-$10 a week can add up and will at least get her started. Another thing you can do is help her get a "bug-out" plan together. She needs a safe place to go and stay, where he can't find her, for awhile until she can get her life in order again.

I know in the past my dh offered to a friend of ours to come stay with us if she coulden't take it anymore. At 6'1", 300 lbs. and gun totin' he would be intimidating for any wife beating coward to take on. :thumb

[lendingheart]

her family is great and will support her in anyway.... money wont be a problem thank God.

her problem is how to get rid of him.... what is to stop him from shooting her from a distance? kid napping the child.... how far will have to go for the cops to take him to jail.... if ican even talk into calling them....


lst night was a great chance.... he was coming to my house, drunk driving, with a gun to get her.... i could have called the law and he would hve been taken.... of course out on bail in no time and after her.... is there any way to stop them?

[Jubilee21]

:hug I understand and hear how angry and frustrated you are foor your friend..how hard it is to understand her fear and the reason she is allowing it to keep her in this horrendous situation..

Ths is one of the greatest and most formidable aspects of domestic violence to grasp..one thing I can tell you here as first an advocate and someone who worked for Domestic Violence for years, it also touched my life and I had pretty horendous circumstances where indeed the 'fear' had teeth to it in respect to the realities it was justified..

So before you intervene ..be cautious and try these steps first with your friend for "her sake" when it comes to her fears..you need to try to gather an assessment of how real those fears are and take care not to provoke a situationyou are not familiar with may be until a safety net is provided and all the variables are clearly understood..

The most dangerous and highest risk a victim will ever take when it comes to the abuse will be when she tries to leave it..this is where the highest mortality rates occur right before the ones that take place withing the home where the abuse is occuring.

For you anger and for your fear, you can and may contact the nearest local Domestic Violence chapter in your community, explain your friends situation, ask to meet with them and go through all of the issues, what your local law enforcement contacts are, how to bring this forward and stand by your friend through this if indeed she wants to leave.. it is not as simple as a ot of folks believe and this is why this crime is so insidious and cruel.

There are safety factors involved for those who do assist a victim of abuse that are often why folks back away in fear..I can't begin to tell you how many times I have seentragedies occur becasue this fear is also justified..these things need to be considered with a cool, calm and informed "head" on your part if you wish to help your friend..

I want you to know that in my case and others, there is danger involved that the abuser can bring upon others who attempt to help his abuse victim..this can not be ignored, but it can be approached and responded to...knowledge as how to is vital to have for you if you take this on.

My former husband was viciously vindictive and many folks who did try to help me were indeed the object of his wrath, some backed off due to this, but others stood their ground..I left with my children and lived in a shelter, and eventually a home sponsored by DVI for 9 mos until it was safe for me to attempt to be on my own where gates and security measures were no longer required 24 hours a day..but the abuse never stopped, there are many ways an abuser can torment their victims..mine just found another way..and one I stood up to him every step of the way ..each situation is different and requires an individual approach due to this..

sometimes an abuser will back off and run for the hils when they are outed, but the really bad ones when cornered will become very dangerous until they are behhind bars, even then it cango for years and becomes a way of life for the victim but at least one on her terms and able to function with..many women learn to do this in their own homes.

but did so within the safety and confines of my abilities and knowledge I had from years of working with DVI..

One thing I have found myself doing is taking the attention and anger off the victims and in fact allowing myself to be the target so I could and did in fact bring the wrath of the law down on the abuser..not a way to go unless you know what you are doing and are able to handle this. Do not kid yoursel for one second that someone who can and would murder their own spouse would stop there. You need to understand this for your sake and your friends sake..

Here's those questions and please take a few minutes to calm down..pray for guidence and for now be a friend to your friend in these ways until you can sort thisout with a cool head!

1. Listen

This is one of the most important things you can do. Remember that they are confiding in you while they have kept this problem a secret from others. Find a quiet place where you can talk safely and without interruption. Encourage them to talk about the abuse.

2. Believe them

Do not deny the abuse is happening. Do not judge them. Show them that you support them no matter what they decide to do about their relationship, whether it is staying with or leaving the abusive partner on a temporary or permanent basis or not doing anything about it.

3. Respect them

Show your friend that you respect their ability to handle this situation and their ability to cope with it. This can help them regain their own strength and build confidence to deal with it.

4. Respect their feelings

In cases of domestic violence, victims need their feelings validated. To ignore the abuse and sweep it under the rug is wrong and will only serve to keep their feelings inside and the problem to worsen. This is dangerous and destructive.

5. Do not advise

As difficult as it is, it is necessary to do this, especially when your friend first confides in you. The best thing to do is to help your friend reach their own decisions about what to do and when to do it. Help them identify their own options and consequences which might follow. For instance, mention that if the victim does not seek help, she is exposing her kids to abuse as well. Just spell out the options without forcing her to take a specific step.

6. Tell them they are not to blame

This is important because blame is how the abuser often justifies the abuse. Let them know that no one has the right to abuse another. Tell them what you have learned about spousal violence and cycle of violence. Remind them that Allah does not allow a man to abuse his wife.

7. Discuss safety

Talk to your friend about shelters and other safe places. Discuss how to obtain their services and tell them about creating a protection plan (see tips for victims of domestic violence in the West for more details).

8. Encourage them to seek help

Persuade them not to ignore the problem and to deal with it for the sake of themselves and their family. Accompany them if they need your support to places like shelters, legal aid, etc.

*............................................*

9. Do NOT speak to the partner

This is a big no-no and can worsen the situation. If the abusing partner finds out you know about the situation, he will most likely get even angrier and take it out on the abused partner more than before, as a punishment for telling others about the problem.

10. Keep in contact with them

One of the things abusers do is isolate their victims from family and friends. This makes it easier to perpetrate the domestic violence, since there is no one around to object. Keep in contact with your friend as much as possible, by phone or e-mail at least, to ensure that she has a link with the outside world and that she is not alone, suffering in silence.





Try begining here with these things and if you are commited to your friend's welfare start doing the leg work I have shared..

[Lisababy]

i feel a great need to chime in here. I was a victim of abuse. my kids father used to get heavy handed with me starting when i was pregnant with our first child. I was beat up numerous times after my son was born and the majority of the time, i was getting hit while trying to protect my son. and a few times, i was getting hit while he was holding our son. It was a scary, humiliating, damaging experience that i wish on NO ONE. I will be praying for you and your friend.

Unfortunately, there is nothing that anyone can do to physically stop him from doing whatever he WANTS to do. my advice would be to still have her go through the legal system as far as restraining orders, protective orders etc. if he violates an order she has in place, she needs to call the police, file a report and get him back in court. it doesn't sound like much, but unfortunately that may be all she can do. along with staying as far away from him as she possibly can. that means, staying with someone where it is unlikely he will be able to find her, and not communicating with people that he associates with as much as possible.

what you can do as her friend, is continue to support her, continue to be a listening ear for her and a shoulder to lean on. That is what she needs most at this point. She may consider going back to him, i know i did numerous times before i truly got the courage to leave him forever. That was 4 years ago and i still worry about him doing something to me after all these years. And i can promise that it is only GOD himself that has protected me and my family all these years.

If she does go back to him, as frustrating as it may be, still try to be her support, it is a difficult thing to leave a relationship even when you know it is not safe for you.

the more reports she files on him with the courts and police, the more likely the police will take stronger efforts to punish him. it is a frustrating process and you will come up against walls that seem impossible to push down, but she must perservere or the abuse WILL continue.

And lastly, bless you for sticking with her through all of this, what a wonderful, loving friend you are. the world definitely needs more people like you.

[NewWorldOrder]

If I may be so bold as to suggest that she learn how to use a gun.

I know that may not fly well with a lot of people here, but it's for her own defense. Let's say she does leave, and he comes after her, she needs to be able to protect herself and her children. I don't know what state shes in, but if she's in one that will allow for concealed carry, she may want to consider getting her concealed carry license. It may be difficult to do, with her husband being the way he is, but I'm just thinking in the long run here.

[lisaann]

I would chime in that she should learn self defense as well if not out right offense :whistle. She need confidence to stand up and protect herself.

[NewLifeinHim]

If I may be so bold as to suggest that she learn how to use a gun.

I know that may not fly well with a lot of people here, but it's for her own defense. Let's say she does leave, and he comes after her, she needs to be able to protect herself and her children. I don't know what state shes in, but if she's in one that will allow for concealed carry, she may want to consider getting her concealed carry license. It may be difficult to do, with her husband being the way he is, but I'm just thinking in the long run here.

^I was thinking the same.
One of my friends was killed by her violent husband when she tried to go and see her sister in another city. (not even leaving him!):ohno