Out of wedlock grandchild

[peace2007]

Dear Ladies,
I am at my wits end. My 37 year old son, who just got divorced a year ago, struggling paying child support, has just impregnated some dumb girl who already has a TWO year old. I AM SO ANGRY I don't know what to do.

He loves his daughter and is a great Father. He always said he did not want kids scattered all around. This girl is bad news. She is going to always be pregnant and always have some man hanging around. I told him when he first introduced me to her to be careful..but NOOOOO.

She use to complain about how much time he spent with his daughter and wanted to be included in going home for the holidays, movies. He felt his daughter was not ready to be introduced to anyone right now.

Didn't he have sense enough to know that this could happen. Why bring a child into the world with all this against him/her, I have always feared the type of upbringing my grands would have, based on my life.

I know this sounds minor..but it affects our family for generations..I am referring to the child that is to come.

I know I am not sounding Christ like, but she just caught me off guard. She called to tell me...she said since he is not ready to tell you. I told her to talk to him and never to call me at my place of business again.

I can not wait to ask him what in the heck where you dealing with? He just chained himself to the devil. No wonder he didn't want to tell me..and I can't imagine what his dad will say. We have helped him pay bills, keep cars because his child support was so high..and you go out and make a babY??? what is that about..?

Thanks for listening, any words or wisdom, comfort would be greatly appreciated.

Peace

[Amanda's mom]

Love the child. He/she is a part of you and he/she didn't pick the mother. If the woman is that bad, encourage your son to seek full custody. If it's more a case of the woman is a good mother but you do not appove of her for your son, then you need to let your son handle it...he's a grown man who made a bad decision. If the latter is the case, you will only alienate them both by stating your opinion and then you will be the one who loses (contact with your grandchildren by this son and contact with your son).

One of my sisters let her opinion be known about one of her sons' girlfriends (similar situation) and now he has absolutely nothing to do with her. She doesn't see him and she doesn't see her grandchildren. In addition, he has separated from the rest of the family, too. He wouldn't even help his mother after she had major thorasic surgery. My 76 year old father had to go help her by shoveling her drive and stacking fire wood. My 74 year old mother who has trouble seeing had to transport her everywhere because this son has totally abandoned her. She struggles financially and he will not help her even put a bag of groceries in her fridge. In other words, she pushed him away with her harsh words, judgmental behavior, and negative attitude.

[iSong6:3]

:hug I'm so sorry you've been blindsided by this news. Please take time in prayer to get the peace and strength of the Lord to handle this.

First, is he sure the child is his? A DNA test could settle that.

Nevertheless, it sounds like it's time for your 37 year old son to *grow up* and take responsibility for his own life. Is he a believer? Time to live a godly life, God's ways are for our protection. And if his job will not provide support for two children, he may have to get a better-paying job or work two jobs. Why are you and his father still paying his bills?

I agree with the above, this new baby is innocent - and yes, even a gift from God. I trust you will be a loving grandmother and witness about the Lord in this precious life.

I am praying for you...:pray

[happymommy728]

I can't imagine the frustration you must be feeling right now. My kids aren't anywhere old enough to make decisions like those so my suggestions come from what my parents would do in this circumstance.
Perhaps you helping him financially is in someone enabling him to have the time and means to date and get into trouble with her. I know my parents wouldn't help me with finances etc. unless I was about to be on the street. Even then, if I brought around a loser the financial assistant would have been caught off immediately. Your son is 37, it sounds like it's time for him to grow up...that may mean working more than one job to support his child. I'm one of seven kids...I remember my dad working three or four jobs to provide for us. Maybe it's time for you to cut ties finacially. Just a thought...again I haven't been a parent in this situation so my opinion may mean nothing to you. It just sounds too me like he's using you.

[Seemomgonuts]

Love the child. He/she is a part of you and he/she didn't pick the mother. If the woman is that bad, encourage your son to seek full custody. If it's more a case of the woman is a good mother but you do not appove of her for your son, then you need to let your son handle it...he's a grown man who made a bad decision. If the latter is the case, you will only alienate them both by stating your opinion and then you will be the one who loses (contact with your grandchildren by this son and contact with your son).

One of my sisters let her opinion be known about one of her sons' girlfriends (similar situation) and now he has absolutely nothing to do with her. She doesn't see him and she doesn't see her grandchildren. In addition, he has separated from the rest of the family, too. He wouldn't even help his mother after she had major thorasic surgery. My 76 year old father had to go help her by shoveling her drive and stacking fire wood. My 74 year old mother who has trouble seeing had to transport her everywhere because this son has totally abandoned her. She struggles financially and he will not help her even put a bag of groceries in her fridge. In other words, she pushed him away with her harsh words, judgmental behavior, and negative attitude.

I agree with this 100%. I have lived it as well, and my son did not see his grandma more than twice a year, and not at all now. She is a athiest and I am a Christian so she hated me from day one. Called me every name in the book because I had a 4 year old. My favorite was gold digger, since when he and I met I made twice his salary, but anyway. After battles galore, and her constant tug of war at my husband for him to choose her over me, he chose me and pushed her completely away. She missed out on being in the life of an amazing boy, because she was a negative and hateful woman. Her own bitterness consumes her. I hope to never see her again, and having not seen her in over a year, my life has only improved, and my son is just fine with my family, and my Husband's father and step-mom who loved and accepted my daughter from day one.

[Gabby]

This 'out of wedlock' grandchild, who 'affects our family for generations' is a gift from God. Regardless of your son's behavior ~ this child is made in the image of God and is one of His blessings. It's not about how we feel ~ it's about doing the right thing.


I'm sorry if I sound harsh...but you asked for advise and being the grandmother of 4 grandchildren, with one on the way I can't help but pipe in. I understand your frustration at your son, but your words are projecting your anger towards this child. My only advise to you is for you to immediately begin praying, with thanksgiving attached, for the health, life and future of this baby and also that He will form you into a wise and Godly grandmother who will make a lasting and loving impact in the life of this innocent child.

[NewWorldOrder]

:hug I'm so sorry you've been blindsided by this news. Please take time in prayer to get the peace and strength of the Lord to handle this.

First, is he sure the child is his? A DNA test could settle that.

Nevertheless, it sounds like it's time for your 37 year old son to *grow up* and take responsibility for his own life. Is he a believer? Time to live a godly life, God's ways are for our protection. And if his job will not provide support for two children, he may have to get a better-paying job or work two jobs. Why are you and his father still paying his bills?

I agree with the above, this new baby is innocent - and yes, even a gift from God. I trust you will be a loving grandmother and witness about the Lord in this precious life.

I am praying for you...:pray


Yep! and Yep! He's 37 years old? Sorry mom, it's time to let son clean up his own mess. I'm 39, just two years older than your son, and he seems very immature. The child is definitely innocent of all of this, it's the behavior of those who should be adults.

[mom211]

I have an idea of how frustrated you must be at having an ungodly person (the woman) inserted into your family for the rest of your lives.

Any idea why she chose to call you at work to drop this on you? She might be hoping you will blow up at your son and she'll push him to choose between her and you. Tell us and a close trusted friend how upset you are. Don't go off on him right now though, you can calmly tell him you are heartbroken and that you'll be praying. Leave the ball in his court so this woman doesn't make you out to be a controlling mother or judgemental person. I agree that your son made his life much harder by chaining himself to this woman. I would guess he knows this and that is why he didn't tell you. If the woman is telling the truth.

Children are a blessing, but I know it can be hard to see that when they arrive via a person's sinful behavior versus a joyful announcement from a married couple. Maybe God will give you the opportunity to be a witness to this woman and the child in the future. God can make beauty from ashes.

[peace2007]

Mom211,

I didn't realized my post indicated that my son was not a responsible person. I thought I made it clear that he was indeed a responsible person and a good parent. Having gone through a divorce when I was about his age, it never occurred to me not to help him and his daughter, just as my parents helped me in my time of need. I would have lost my home, my autos and credit rating, had they not. That's just something we do as a family.
The word for this situation is an out of wedlock, and these situations often times turn out badly for generations to come.
I work with youth and young adults, male and female, I see the results and the pain caused by parents just having children without any thought to the future of the child. So "it does affect my family" the child, who if this is a true story would be my grand child, for generations to come.
Thank you very much for being able to see past the pain, thank you for not judging me in a moment of raw emotion. I have taken your advice.
I have called a friend of mine,who is a counselor and a christian. She asked the same question, why call me at work, at a time when she knows he is out of town and won't be back to Sat? We are praying for wisdom, good judgement and understanding in this matter.
I also didn't realize I said I would never have anything to do with the child?? Life lesson: Be careful where and what you post. be blessed,

[mom211]

Peace, I wasn't saying your son wasn't responsible, that's the impression I thought other posters were getting. Sorry you were misunderstood :hug. The sinful behavior I mentioned is having sex outside of marriage. Lots of people make that mistake so please don't think I am casting stones.

You never mentioned not wanting anything to do with the child. I think that you are probably the type of person who will buy the baby clothes and try to make sure he/she is being cared for.

I totally agree that this situation will affect your family for generations. I honestly would have said what you said. I know children are a blessing, but we moms can't help but grieve when our children make mistakes that will affect them and innocent babies for the rest of their lives.

I'm so glad you called your friend. We all need a friend to listen to us when we are frustrated. As far as posting in the moment of frustration...been there done that and when others don't know the whole situation or the "tone" of what you are saying it is so easy to be misunderstood. I'm sure I've misunderstood others just as I've been misunderstood at times. Sometimes we need someone to just listen and sympathize.