Advice on sister in Christ

[InChristAlone]

I'm on the worship team at my church along w/ several others. They are all men except me and another woman who sings. This "other woman" and I used to be pretty close friends. When we started on the worship team together (around March, 2007), things started changing between us. I made a couple of comments about how we, as singers, need to watch our pitch during one specific song and made a comment to her daughter (who was on the team at the time) about watching that she doesn't go flat when she goes up higher.

I've been involved with music my whole life and have had A LOT of education in music. I've also been on several different worship teams over the past 15 years. This is the first time this woman and her daughter have been on a worship team.

So, they got upset about what I said. When I confronted them about it (b/c that's what the bible says to do and I know she doesn't like confrontation), they both did admit to being upset with the comment(s) but when I explained what my motive was, the younger one said, "Oh yeah, mom, I think she meant it as constructive criticism", which is EXACTLY how I meant it. Well, the mom continued to "snub" me. Some days she walks right past me and says nothing and other days she'll actually speak to me. The daughter ended up dropping off b/c it was too much of a committment.

Well, just recently the mom has quite singing on the team b/c of a comment I made at practice (which according to all the other members was said in love and NOT inappropriate at all). I have tried to change ME so many times to keep the peace. I stopped saying something altogether about anything that had to do with her and only "critiqued" the rest of the team, of whom could take the criticism and vice versa. When I did, she still "shunned" me. Then she called me 2 mos ago and asked why I didn't come to her about something and took it to the worship leader instead. I told her, in a nice way, that b/c of the past that we have I thought it would be better to go to the leader. We ended up talking and "temporarily" working things out. She said to tell her if she sounds bad or is singing something wrong.

So, last week at practice I just said, "the harmony sounds off" (which was the part she was singing). She sounded mad and wouldn't even look at me. She only looked at the leader and said, "Can I get the CD so we can listen to it b/c I've been practicing with the CD and they don't sing it like that." I said, "Actually they do sing it like I just did but let's listen to it anyway". So, we did and the part I was trying to get her to sing was how they sang it. Then I find out she quite b/c I said that.

My thoughts are, no matter what ministry you're serving in you should be open to "constructive criticism" and ESPECIALLY if it's in music. The only way you can improve yourself is if you know what you're doing wrong or in our case, if it doesn't sound right. I feel like I've done everything I can to try to reconcile with her and to restore the relationship but there's still something there. I tried to email her today to find out if I've offended her. The only reason I know anything is b/c others have told me. I hate to have somebody quite a ministry just b/c of something I said, that wasn't even said inappropriately. Is is possible for people to be too sensitive? What else can I do besides pray? I'm to the point where I feel like this is her issue, not mine.

[NewWorldOrder]

Is it possible you are being too picky? :idunno Why does the harmony, and the pitch have to be just right. It's quite possible that she's just not as a good a singer as you think she should be, but she was getting enjoyment by serving God in this way, and perhaps you have taken that joy away from her.

It could also be like you said, and she just gets offended easily, in which case I wouldn't worry about it. But if it's the first description, she may feel like you are simply being too picky and has to have it just perfect, when most likely, the people in the audience probably won't even notice.

[InChristAlone]

I would say "yes" except I didn't say anything to her for the LONGEST time b/c she had gotten offended by a couple of comments I had made. So, I only made comments to others on the team, who didn't feel as though I was being too picky and also didn't feel they were inappropriate comments. So, I just stopped saying comments altogether yet she still treated me the same way.

This is the first comment I've made in a LONG time and no, I wasn't being picky. The Pastor (who is the worship leader) even agreed that it sounded off. Everyone who was there said that I said nothing wrong and that I shouldn't feel bad about what happened.

If everyone else on the team is saying that what I said was NOT inappropriate, wouldn't you consider that confirmation that I wasn't being too picky or un-Christ-like about it?

UPDATE: She did email me back accusing me of being up on the worship team with the wrong motive and "attacking people". I find that intersting when noone else thinks that I've attacked them, only her, and I made sure that I said it nicer than how I say it to anyone else b/c of her sensitivity. I also think it's wrong on her part to accuse me of not being up there for the purpose of worshipping God. We are suppose to work hard in everything that we do b/c it's all for the glory of God. (And no, I do not work TOO hard to take the worshipping part out of it)

[ByHisGrace]

I'm just wondering why you're not letting the worship leader make these decisions?
Isn't that his job?

But to get on to the problem, perhaps you come off too blunt? Instead of saying "the harmony was off" why not try "It sounded really good, just about PERFECT! Except this one part was just a little off. Try it again, you just about had it!" That is a lot more encouraging than focusing on the negative.

Lastly, I think you're taking it all too serious. You might be embarrassing this lady and what's more important? A song sang perfectly or a heart singing joyfully to the Lord with a few pitchy problems? You can be right or you can be kind. My best will not be your best....but our effort and desire to please God could be the same. That's all that God cares about.

[Third Day]

I agree with the previous posters as well. You mentioned how the others in the group, who are men, didn't get offended by your comments or see anything wrong in what you were telling her, but it seems to me, in general, that most men let things roll off their back and don't get hurt by some of the things that we women do.
It sounds like she felt that she was being picked on, and also had felt the need to become defensive after you had said things to her daughter.
A worship team is for worship, not for a perfect performance to entertain an audience of people. The Lord God is the audience that counts, and He only cares about what's coming from your hearts, not your mouths.
Any critiquing or instruction should come from the leader of the group, and although you have experience in this area, you are not the leader.
It's too bad that it bothered her so much that she felt the need to leave the group, but I might have done the same thing. As Christians we have to face so many things every day that are an assault on our joy, just from all the garbage that is out there in the world. It hurts even more when it comes from fellow Christians, and it's something that could have been just as well left alone.
A sincere apology and a good dose of humility might be in order. I've had to do the same on a few occasions.:hug

[InChristAlone]

That's my point, tho. If I don't say anything, she acts the same way. It doesn't matter what I do.... she still "shuns" me. I've tried on several occassions to work things out with her, including in the beginning apologizing for the comments I did make. When I stopped making the comments, her attitude didn't change.

Several of us make suggestions to the team to try to improve. No, things don't have to be perfect, but it's also our job to draw people into worship with our music. If it sounds awful, you think people are going to be distracted by that? The way I said it was just as gracious and nice as some of the other people on the team have said it to her before. There is an OBVIOUS dislike from her towards me. Which, in my opinion, if we can't worship as a team, then it's better for her NOT to be on the team.

I know that I have a peace to me, tho, that I know in God's eyes I have done everything that I can. As I told her in my email to her, it's not all her and it's not all me, it's the both of us. I can't be the only one making changes to make things work, tho. I'm nice to her when I see her and it doesn't affect how I treat her even outside of the worship team. With her, it has done nothing but affect how she treats me outside of the worship team. When our bible study "leaders" are calling me asking me what is wrong between her and I and I have no idea, then you know it's just not me who is noticing it. And that is when I said absolutely nothing to her about her singing.

[jadeeyes]

Even though my Pastor requested me to be on the worship team way back when, I had very little confidence in my singing ability,especiall when I had to sing a solo part or any harmony. I kept at it though, and my confidence improved and so did my singing. It's so much easier to sing when I have some confidence because I'm not trying to hide my voice. When I'm afraid I'll mess up, my breathing becomes shallow and I have a much harder time hitting the notes right.It's possible that this woman has as little confidence as I do and she saw your critiques as an attack in an area where she has little confidence. If I were you, I would leave it to the leader to give all the critiques. Even if you haven't piped up for a long time, she doesn't trust you not to do so in the future. I've had to sing harmony standing next to a person who is singing the melody way off key and all I can hear is her off key singing. It's a real challenge, but I struggle through it rather than risk offending my sister in Christ. :hug

[christianmom]

I wouldn't even give it a second thought. You've done all you can on your part. The ball's in her court. It's most certainly not worth stressing over. If she quit because she cannot take constructive criticism that's her loss.

[BeNotAfraid]

Just make sure you aren't harboring any pride which she might feel like she is the victim of. Sometimes we don't always meet in the middle with our brothers or sisters in Christ. Sometimes we must give 100% and get nothing in return. I would make whatever sacrifice necessary to patch this relationship up. Blessed are the peacemakers...

[Praise Warrior]

I just started being on praise teams two years ago when the Lord called me into helping start a contemporary worship ministry at church. I have lots of family involved in music ministry--my dad, sister, aunt, and I are all involved in it. It seems music ministries breed conflict and drama (at least we all have "stories" to share whenever we get together).

If there are usually problems in older ministries, you can imagine how rough it was like first starting out. For instance, one night we had a guy in our group who was off key, off pitch, off rhythm, off timing, off lyrics-wise, pretty much everything. Our then-new pastor brought his guitar to play with us at church--but didn't come practice with us, and went about doing his own thing regardless of what my friend and I practiced (since I just learned guitar the summer before because it was needed-my friend was the only other who could permanently play with us, I needed as much practice as I could get). So pastor couldn't help all the time, my friend and I weren't cohesive with him, this one terrible guy would be horribly off and my friend and him began to "compete" and I was totally lost. It was as musically terrible as you can imagine. Our new campus minister didn't care about how we sounded at all, and thought we weren't worth any effort on his part.

It was as horrible as you can imagine, but the experience taught me a few things. I could have killed the ministry that day by being angry and condescending with my feelings and by dropping out. It worked out because my sole thought was that I didn't want us to be like all the other problem music ministries, and we had meets and worked through the growing pains and problems. I think any new changes to the worship team should be handled with care with everyone and that it is important to have meetings more than just once a season to really work on things like that. Also, even that *TOTAL* blow up wasn't the end of the world--everyone still came back just wanting to worship. The ministry was more important than the quality, and too much focus on the quality would kill the ministry, especially in light of our actions.

The most significant thing I realized that as a team, "we bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord". Kirk Dearman was spot on. It requires a LOT of sacrifice, from everybody. Grudges, self-interests, maybe even some quality has to be given up. Maybe it's pride or a divaesque attitude that has to be given up.

I think The Lord also needs to be taken into perspective. Which is more submissive to the Lord's Great Commandment--an off sounding worship set but with a team who loves each other and loves the Lord, and shows it, or a slick one who excludes ugly, less talented, or those with less expensive stuff? Also, who would bring the Lord more glory--a neurologically disabled person called by God to lead worship and does so on borrowed instruments and is pretty good but a little off, or a hotshot who plays in a band but doesn't mind playing with a Les Paul on Sundays just for kicks on the side?