Seeking advice of female parents

[No2Flesh]

Sorry to intrude on the womens board but as a Dad to a teen daughter
I felt good advice might be found here on my situation.

Rest assured Ive talked to my wife about it, the problem is she pretty much shares in the same problem my teen daughter has though to a less extent.

I will try to make this short.

For the last year I have tried to get my daughter involved with the youth at our church, sending her to youth camp and making sure she goes to every event including bible study each Monday. She also wanted to go.
Gas and costs add up, sometimes its an inconvieniece but the goal is/was worth it.

The goal is to have her surrounded by good Christian friends.

Problem: She is such an introvert that I think people thinks she doesnt like them and probably comes off as rude frequently.
Just last night the youth had volleyball after church, I told her I expected her to play rather than to sit on the bleachers and ignore everyone which she has been known to do.

A lady that works with the youth stopped her car and asked her is she was
going to go play volleyball. She said "I dont like volleyball"..I could tell the lady was at a loss for words and sort of hurt.
See its not about the volleyball but the fellowship.

This one event is not the problem but the last straw..I wont bore you with the many examples such as her hardly speaking to those who speak to her, always sitting on her same pew and never sticking her neck out to make friends or sit by them. Never moving to shake other peoples hands..
I know this sounds like a small issue but to me it isnt, we had an argument about it last night and I told her forget me investing all the effort taking her to activities and paying for them if she is going to treat her Christian sisters and brothers so coldly. Its wrong.

She is smart and pretty, but like her mother she is introverted.
As I told her though, "we are shy too but we faced our fears and are making new friends."

The top priority is for us to attend church to get closer to God of course.
Yet for obvious reasons I want her to have Christian friends.
She will have a hard time making/having/keeping friends is she isnt friendly.

Proverbs 18:24
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Ive seen other teens try to give her a high 5 and she ignores them, numerous times Ive seen the hurt feelings on their faces by what they consider rejection.
Its easier to stay in her shell and she simply lacks courage.
Its seemed she was making progress and we were happy about that, but lately she has crawled back in her shell where its "safe".

:doh

Let me be honest, Im very fed up with her actions
and am now open to the advice of Christian mothers
other than her own.
My wife, Im afraid doesnt know what to do either
as she never really overcame her fear of people.

[No2Flesh]

I consider the possibility that I am overbearing or something as a dad, but honestly
I have not pushed her very hard to be friendly..just an occasional nudge.
One thing I do realize is that I need to pray for her even more.

[firstoftwelve]

does she have one maybe 2 good friends?

I think it's difficult for those of us who are "social butterflies" to understand not needing alot of friends around.

I have a son who's much more content to sit and dig holes and look for bugs than try to socialize with people. I have another that can't stand not being in the middle of the crowd....
Im coming to realize they are just 2 very different people with different needs. and therefore different stregnths. My son who likes to look at bugs ,will probably do really well in an area that is solitary research and the such.

My father is also one who's just not into a big "social scene" he gets along with people ok, but really prefers his alone time whenever possible. the ironic part of that is that he has 12 kids!!! LOL The Lord is forcing him out of his shell in more ways than one... but we love him for the quiet sensitive man he is. and because of his tendancy to solitude, he spends alot of time with the Lord and is very sensitive to the Spirit. He isn't as easily distracted by social stuff.....

So, she may be happier if she were able to focus on having one or two good friends. She's probably very overwhelmed by larger crowds. Perhaps you can help her foster those more intimate firendships, and learn how to be friends first with one or 2 people and then she may feel a little more comfortable with more people.

It's good to push our kids past their boundries, but not so far they retreat even more.
Im sure you're a very loving father, but a different perspective may help a little. :) Keep trying and keep praying over her.....:hug

[No2Flesh]

Thanks 1stof12,

Great advice...all 3 of my daughters are different and maybe I need to accept more the possibility that this is her God given personality.
She has a couple friends, yes...but doesnt usually treat them very friendly either.
I dont think its intentional though.

[ZeldaCA]

This was ME when I was a kid!

I have always been an introvert. I always used to be fine playing alone as a child, and was always hesitant about joining groups of children. Even in my adult life, I still hate parties and group activities; they are truly agony for me. I would much rather be with just one or two other people.

I am a successful writer, which is a very solitary occupation. I'm also a homemaker to a husband and teens, which means I'm by myself for at least 8 hours a day. I truly believe I have the perfect disposition for what I do! And yes, I think I was born this way and nothing could have changed it. This is just the way God made me, and I think I was created to fit into the life I'm leading now! I'm very happy, but others say they don't know how I can stand to work alone, or be home alone all day. Doesn't bother me a bit.

Now, since your daughter is a teen, you have to remember that pushing her into any activity will only create resistance. So I would stop asking her to join group activities. But she still needs to do some kind of Bible study. What about with the family? That might work. We do a Bible study as a family, and it's lots of fun.

But regarding her hurting others with her attitude, and anti-social behavior.....you have every right to EXPECT that she behave politely with others, that she greet them pleasantly, shake hands, high-five, or whatever. That's not being chatty, that's just displaying basic good manners, and it is essential she do this. Maybe you can strike a bargain with her. She doesn't have to play volleyball and be a social butterfly IF she can demostrate politeness and courtesy with people she meets and greets.

Otherwise tell her you're enrolling her in Charm School!!! :lol2

[jayel]

Hi No2Flesh :wave,

I was the same way in school. I was very shy, which a lot of people took for me being a snob- nowhere near the truth! It took someone REALLY reaching out to me to make me feel welcome, not just an occasional high five or "How are you?" She may see this as them being nice but not necessarily liking her. Or worse, she may think they are doing it for show- a lot of girls who crave attention will talk to anyone and everyone, just to make themselves look more popular. I used to hate it when girls who didn't know me or like me would make random comments to me or high five me, just to look social. Not saying they are doing it, but maybe she sees it at school?

I was very quiet, and often just didn't have the mental energy to take part in big group events. I wanted to focus on the task at hand (playing volleyball)rather than trying to play volleyball and engage in conversation at the same time. Also, big groups are intimidating to some people. When everyone has something to say, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. The more outgoing or already popular girls tend to dominate the conversation and activities. If you aren't particularly outgoing it's easier to remain quiet than try to fight the more outgoing girls for a turn in the spotlight. I remain that way to this day, like in my humane society meetings when everyone is talking over each other. Unless I am specifically called on, I hold my thoughts and discuss them with the president afterward, alone.

Don't be too worried. Girls are naturally competitive when it comes to attention, sometimes it's easier not to compete. I got to where I'm very comfortable meeting people one on one, when they have a chance to get to know me and judge me without someone else around. Over the years a made a handful of really good, close friends and we've remained like family for 10-13 years now. I am still more comfortable hanging out with them in small groups than including others in huge groups. It may take time, but when she finds those few friends, it will probably be for life. :)

[No2Flesh]

Thanks Zelda for taking the time to respond.

I actually searched yahoo to see if there are any charms schools in my area. lol
No , I dont really expect her to be a social butterfly, just somewhere in the middle.
You hit the nail on the head with what bothers me the most, is her bad manners
hurting others.

Because God didnt give us a spirit of fear, and tells us to love our brothers and sisters.
I really want for her to be friendly even if not the life of the party.
For her own good especially.

I should probably continue taking her to bible study, she gets mad if Im late in taking her and thats a blessing I should be counting.

[Cd4u_2]

sometimes people give high five to see how you react. but they are not your friend and make fun of you. I had that happened several times, and I ignore them.

I see nothing wrong with people wanting crave attention. It just mean you are someone they noticed and like. There are teens who they do not want to give high fives to.

Other than that, I don't think your daughter can relate to the people at church which is not good for fellowship. She may just have to find another church that she can call home (that you agree with too)

[LookingUplinda]

yea:wave 'no. 2 Flesh' I am a loner, always just had 1 or two friends cuz that was just what I liked. Don't like crowds, enjoyed being or doing things by myself or with one special friend, was always pretty content that way. The teens are a pretty 'touchy' age group, probably even harder these days to keep them on the straight and narrow than ever before in history. All we can do is hope/pray that our values we raised 'em with will be theirs, even if they do wander off the path at this delicate time in their lives(like I did) but came back stronger for Jesus than ever!!
As far as personality etc. goes, we can just be an example.

[No2Flesh]

sometimes people give high five to see how you react. but they are not your friend and make fun of you. I had that happened several times, and I ignore them.

I see nothing wrong with people wanting crave attention. It just mean you are someone they noticed and like. There are teens who they do not want to give high fives to.

Other than that, I don't think your daughter can relate to the people at church which is not good for fellowship. She may just have to find another church that she can call home (that you agree with too)

Its not the people at the church, they are friendly Im sure of it.

As leader of our household its my responsibility to decide our church
(certainly my wife has great influence on my decisions)
and we are at the right one until when/if God tells me to move us.
I cant change churches over this because she will bring her problem to any I chose and moreover were where God wants us.

:wave