bad marriage

[DAVEYBOY]

I'm a man so I guess I really shouldn't be here, but...I am in a bad marriage-my second. My first marriage broke when my wife wanted a divorce because she just wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to try counceling. Her exact words were..."If you think I'm gonna let some lousy therapsit tell me I'm wrong, you're nuts!" Okay. I never should have gotten married this time, but my ex had just got remarried, to a man that she is just miserable with, I might add, and I felt like I should do the same. I married a woman I've known for about 30 years. She goes to my church. She's a nice woman and very attractive, so we started dating. I became aware of certain issues while we were dating such as unbelievable jealousy, incredible insecurity-which kind of feed off of each other. And tons of bitterness and anger. Like a fool, I married her because I thought when she saw the kind of guy I am she will ease up a little. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, gamble, go out with the guys-even go on hunting trips or anything like that. I work hard, go to church, cook, clean, go to the store, you name it. Long story short, it didn't get better, it got worse. I am 3 years into this marriage and I am miserable! She will absolutely not meet me halfway. She wants everything to be about her and her happiness and her comfort, and forget about anything that I might need or want. We have been to 3 different councelors who all have seen what the real issues are in our marriage just in the first few visits. As soon as they start to zero in on what the problem is, she pulls the plug because she can't take anyone telling her she needs to work on things. She likes to pick out everyone else's problems, not her own. Not sure what to do here. Been praying. She treats my daughter badly because she is jealous of my love to her. All I want is to have a woman who knows how to treat me as well as I treat her. A woman who has the guts to say "I'm sorry-it's my fault." Instead of always blaming me. Just a woman who meets me halfway would nice. Any advice from the women here?

[BlessedAssurance]

:pray

[Seabird]

My advice is to focus on the Lord together. My husband and I started having very short Bible studies together. Be honest with eachother; maybe try being the first to say that you are sorry even if its not quite your fault.
Don't be afraid to say I love you everyday. Remember why you joined Rapture Ready. This might help you in your focus.
You sound like you are nice and do your part from what I read, but, maybe your wife needs a helping hand spiritually and emotionally so counseling is a good idea.
I will pray for you and your family.

[Rinji]

Wow.
God made Eve to be Adam's helpmate. Maybe someone can take her into a study on what a woman needs to do and her roles?

If I had a spouse that picked at my son or daughter, I'd immediately let them know it will not be tolerated. You're the head of the house, not her. (then again, that's me!)

When she starts picking at something I'd say something like, "Do you want to watch TV? You must be bored.", "Are you having a bad day?" or "Do I talk to you that way?". Or if she has a lot to say. Let her say it. And ask sympathetically after wards "Do you feel better now?". It could be a way of venting.

She might not realize she doing that behavior, and no one has probably took the time to nip it in the bud before it got to this point. If she doesn't think about her doing that, then a counselor might try to tell her there's something going on and she doesn't have any recollection of being corrected, therefore in her mind, nothing is wrong with her. (People have horrible memories when they are in denial. Think of a person on a diet, trying to estimate calories. Usually they estimate lower than what they actually consumed!)

Just make sure, when you say something, it's subtle. Otherwise you'll be giving her ammo.

Sadly, this isn't much different from a kid's behavior modification.

To me, it sounds like she has some bad habits, and those will die hard. Don't be surprised if she has any outbursts. Just stay calm and stand your ground. And let people know what's going on, in case she tries to exaggerate what happened to others. The last thing you need is a story being passed around that got out of hand.

If all else fails, and anyone else is noticing this behavior. You and several other friends of the family/church may have to intervene and say it's enough, and get to the bottom of what's eating her. She might not be so comfortable with expressing it with a counselor.

Maybe you can suggest to the church some bible studies centered around improving one's self?

Besides prayer, That's all can think of short of divorce. But she does have her own role to play in the family. After all, God did make Eve out of Adam's rib. Not a part of Adam's scalp to be the head of him, and nor part of Adam's foot so he can trample her either.

Another route to go is to talk to her family. Maybe they can shed some light on what's going on with her, recent, past, or whenever.


I never thought about the saying sorry and I love you. James and I say it so often that... I dunno, it's kinda ubiquitous in our house.

Sorry, it seems that I've given you a bunch of detective work to do.

[DAVEYBOY]

Thank you all for your advice. However I've tried alot of what you suggested already. I'm always the first to touch or say sorry or I love you. I complement her looks or say thanks for doing some of the things she does. Never get any of this given back to me. I think she picks at stuff to make her feel better about herself. If she sees all the mistakes people make, mistakes she's not making, then she feels like she has something to feel god about. She has no friends or at least none she does anything with. I really don't think she has any kind of relationship with God though I've prayed with her and we go to church. I've pretty much tried everything I know how to do. Stepped out of my comfort box more than you know only to to have her not reciprocate. It gets old! She makes everyone feel like they're walking on eggshells because she's upset all the time. She'll get mad over the littlest things and then not talk to anyone for days. I've asked...no, begged her to go to the doctor's. Maybe she's battling depression. She won't have any part of it. I have thought about divorce many times but I just can't bring myself to do it.

[DAVEYBOY]

This all comes form her child hood I think. Her Mother is...well, one of a kind. She is known thru the church as certainly someone who will help out on anything-she's on so many committees and altar guild etc.-but she's also someone who many people do not like. She's always right and everyone else is wrong. It's her way or the highway. That kind of thing. My wife's Dad is a great guy but he let My wife's Mom be the boss all these years. She tells him what to do and he does it. This is the kind of mariage my wants even though I've told her repeatedly it will never be that way. I think a marriage should be 50/50...in everything. Sometimes we do what I want to do. Sometimes we do what she wants to do. I root for you-you root for me. But she wants it all for her and doesn't want to have to give anything back.

[Savanah]

Davey,
Do you think that she is verbally/emotionally abusive? It sounds as if her behavior goes beyond the normal sort of misunderstandings that go on in marriage to something more insidious. The fact that she is making everyone around her walk on eggshells and that she is unkind to your daughter is a big clue to me. Have any of your counselors suggested this type of abuse as a possibility?

[Seabird]

Your wife has to submit her will and life to the Lord. He is the only one who really knows everyone and why she is behaving this way. It is time, perhaps, to let go of her past, and start walking anew in Christ.

[antitox]

You're going to have to look at the obvious. You made poor decisions. And they were based on insecurities and dysfunctional perceptions.

This woman does not appear to have equilibrium. All you can do at this point is determine not to make the same mistake again. I understand that everyone is going to tell you to do the things that are believed to be the "right way," but it won't work if you don't have two people in agreement.

[Buzzardhut]

You're going to have to look at the obvious. You made poor decisions. And they were based on insecurities and dysfunctional perceptions.

This woman does not appear to have equilibrium. All you can do at this point is determine not to make the same mistake again. I understand that everyone is going to tell you to do the things that are believed to be the "right way," but it won't work if you don't have two people in agreement.

yep
the decisions are based upon perspective
bad perspective = bad decisions
which is why it gets repeated.

have to change your outlook
a counselor can help that