How do I handle my mother?

[Dodi]

I'm looking for advice from other women.

I am 30 yrs old and my mom still treats me as though I am 10. I have been married for almost 6 yrs and have a 6 yr old daughter. I am an only child and my daughter is the only grandchild. My mom's family is very small consisting of my grandmother, aunt and 2 cousins which do not bother with us and that is a whole different story. My father's side is no longer living (my dad is living). Both of my parents, my husband and my self are all believers in Christ.

Ever since I can remember my mom has been a super control freak. I was basically a puppet with her pulling the strings. We live less then a mile from my parents which is both a blessing and a curse. My mom gets into every aspect of our lives and if she doesn't agree on something we definately know about it. She does everything from telling me how to raise my daughter to how to be with my husband to what groceries I should buy.

Off and on for the last 2 yrs my dh has mentioned that he would like to move out of state to Florida. This decision is mainly because of his health conditions. He feels that if he is in a year round warmer climate it may help him with his constant pain. He also feels that it may help us as a family to get into a new area and basically start over. He has family down there so we wouldn't be alone. He also feels that the education system maybe a lot better then here and that would benefit our daughter.

I don't disagree with my dh and I don't agree with him. This is only because I don't know what to do because of my situation with my parents (mainly my mom).

Well, my mother is really ticked off about this possible move. She has gone as far as trying to put my daughter in the middle. When Katie (my daughter) goes to my parents house my mom will say things to her like "if you move you will never see me again" or "if you move you will be all alone". My mom has also went to the degree of telling my daughter that I don't care about anyone including my daughter and that all my daughter has is my parents to care for her. For the last couple of weeks my mom has been buying Katie all kinds of stuff. She went and got everything for her birthday and told me not to get anything. They even went and planned a day at Hershey Park for Katie and didn't include us (of course this was after she found out that we've been wanting to do this on our own for our daughter). Since we have been in a very bad financial situation my mom has went out of her way getting things for Katie. At first I was very grateful because then Katie doesn't feel the affects of us being broke. But, a few days ago I found out that it's all a part of my mom's scheme of things. She proceeded to tell Katie that my husband and I won't buy her anything and that my parents are the ones caring for her and getting her everything she needs. She also (in one of her rages) told Katie that if it wasn't for us being broke that she (my mom) wouldn't have to be spending all this money on Katie.

My mom has mentioned that she is very upset because she can't control me like she used to when I was young. She is a very angry woman and when she is angry she expects the world to be angry with her.

Thank goodness I have caught onto this early and that my daughter is a very open person for her age. She has told me everything that she has been hearing because it has been upsetting her. My husband and I have had a lot of family discussions with our daughter and she is understanding what is going on. It has gotten to the point where Katie isn't excited to see her grandparents like she used to be. But I do feel horrible for my daughter.

Because of my mom's anger it got to the point last week that I was threatened by my mom that if we move to Florida that my parents will do everything they can to take my daughter from us! I could see if we weren't taking care of her or abusing her but we are not doing anything like that. Our daughter is cared for, loved and we are including her best interests in our decisions. My mom expects me to do everything she wants and not do anything my husband wants.

I am in the middle right now. I want to respect my parents as expected by the Bible but at the same time I want to respect my husband as I should. Where do I draw the line? What can I do to keep the respect of my parents as is required of me but also keep the respect of my husband? Am I in the wrong for the way I feel? I am scared, hurt, angry and down right confused. I want to handle this the way God would want me to handle this but I don't know where to start. I don't want to hurt my parents but at the same time I don't want to hurt my husband or daughter.

As you can probably see I really don't have anyone to get advice from. I am going through so much right now and this situation with my mom doesn't help me. I have a husband who is disabled, I have a lot of medical conditions myself, we are in a very bad financial situation and we have a 6 yr old to raise.

Please help me if you don't mind.

[GettingThere]

Kelly,
To put it bluntly, it's time to go.
My mother was much the same way (still is). Told my children that I didn't know anything about how to raise a child, that I didn't know what I was talking about, that I didn't have to be obeyed. Boy did I reap what she sowed...
I am 44, married, grown kids, and my mother still thinks I am 12. I kept my distance for years, however, my mother is now ill and disabled...so we care for her here in our home...with ONE big change. I stand up to her. Unfortunately, it got ugly at one point, where I had to make her understand that this was MY home, and that she would respect me and my family and my home. Believe it or not, what actually pretty much settled the situation was when my husband stepped in and told her that he would not ever stand for her disrespecting me. My mom tried to pull the line that I was her daughter, yadda, yadda yadda...he stood firm.
She's still not exactly the nicest person that I've ever dealt with, but she doesn't disrespect me to my kids, my husband, my friends or the rest of my family.

BUT...if your mom's pulling this stuff, it's time to go...
I know that the Bible says we're supposed to honor our parents, and I do honor my mother by taking care of her, but there's nothing that says we have to sit back and permit the type of manipulation and head games that are being played. Draw a line....a boundary. Do it with love...if she doesn't respect the boundary, then it's time for you to go.

Getting There (day by day)

[Angelita]

Kelly,

Your Mother is overly atached to you. She just can't let go even though your an adult now. It's kind of the way you feel about your daughter that bond of love.

But I think your going to have to learn to be assertive with your Mother. And stand up for your rights in a firm and loving way. Once she gets it and starts backing off a little think about rewarding her by mabey asking for advice. She will start to realize that your an adult capable of doing things your way but you still love her and need her and want her. It may take a while but she will eventually get it. Hang in there!

[NewWorldOrder]

I agree with GettingThere.

You are a married adult woman with a family of her own. Your mother is disrespecting you and your husband's authority over your children when she talks to your daughter that way. You are probably going to have to get firm with her, and tell her that if she continues to make threats like that, then she'll make her own worse nightmare come true by not being allowed to see her grandchildren anymore. Actually, it may be a good idea to stop allowing her around your family for a while. :hug

[ZeldaCA]

Your first loyalty must be to your husband, and YOUR family, meaning him and your daughter. I'd say Florida's looking pretty good at this point! It might help to have some distance between you and your Mom, and might even improve your relationship.

[BelovedChild]

kELLY

I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
Your Mum is too controlling. The Bible says that a man and woman are to leave their parents and to cleave to each other. Your husband andlittle girlcome first. the little one does not need this male bovine organic fertiliser in her life

[TeachMe]

Oh, my. I could have written your story, only a few changes would be needed.

My mother was much the same way. She was so controlling and domineering.....everything had to be done her way or no way.
She put me down and criticized me so much for the way I was raising my baby, I could never do anything right.
She would scream and throw a fit when she found out we were moving again....she called me at my job one day and had me paged, I had to answer the phone in the cafeteria and she screamed at me on the phone, and I had to listen to that there in front of dozens of people.
She hated my husband, and did everything she could to break us up.
She eventually got her wish...we are divorced now. I won't say it was ALL her fault, but her meddling and bossiness certainly had a part in it.
Now that we are divorced she likes him and will talk to him if the occasion should arise, and it has a time or two in the recent past.

I have struggled with this ever since I was 18 years old.
She finally let up on me, somewhat, somewhere around the time I turned 40.
But I'm telling you, she liked to have drove me crazy. I don't know how I remained as sane as I did.
I do have some emotional trauma from it, and I have to pray everyday for God to help me forgive her. It's hard. She has never admitted to any wrong doing on her part. She says she doesn't remember saying or doing any of the things that she did....I asked her once why she treated me that way and she said she doesn't remember doing that or saying that. She would never admit it.
I have wished a thousand times I had forced my mother to go to counseling with me but she didn't believe in such things.

So, the advice that I have to give you, is to find a way to not let this destroy you and your family. You must work on this and find a way to stop her from meddling and trying to dominate all of you. Stand up to her if you must. She is emotionally abusing your daughter and that needs to be stopped.
Do something about it now, before the damage becomes irreversible.
Get her to go to counseling with you, or if she won't go, then go alone...you and your husband and daughter, or if not that then sit her down and tell her she must stop playing these games. She's only pushing you further and further away from her, and ultimately your daughter...HER GRANDDAUGHTER...also. And you're going to have to make her understand that...one way or another.
I only wish I had stood up to my mother, instead of not saying anything and then having it stay inside of me for years and years and now I have to work on trying to get over it and forgive her, which I know I must. "Forgive us our trespasses and as we forgive those who trespass against us."

God bless you.....you are in my prayers.

[jean]

It is the enemies LIE,that makes you fear to live apart from your mom.And is capitalizing on your weaknesses right now(sickness of husband,your sickness and the lack of financial support to your daughter) to prevent you in obeying God's will to separate from her.

The TRUTH is once you determine to OBEY the WILL of God,and make a step of faith,to believe that though there is no provision yet(of healing,job for you and husband)God will supply Your need in order to DO HIS WILL(Which is for you to cleave to your husband and daughter and your husband to you and leave apart from your parents).

I cannot tell the details of how me and my husband oppose our parents who both want our presence in thier home.

But God is true(because both sides are overly controlling),the rests of our sisters and brothers who did not live separately from them,now that they are married are living a mesirable life, and my brother was even left by her wife because of my mother.


She doesn't respect us in our decision,all i can do is pray for her to be forgiven.Because I must please God than man.Curse is the man who trust in man,and BLESSED ar those whose TRUST is in the LORD.

[Hurricane54]

Hi Kelly,

Wow, you are really being controlled and manipulated. I agree with the other posters... pack your stuff and go. Your first commitment is to your husband and daughter.

I feel sorry for your Mom. She sounds like she's losing control! She also sounds like she's very immature. Get together with your husband and start looking for places to live in Florida. You all will be much happier... and who knows? Your mom may realize that she is happier too.

I will pray for your family.... God bless.... :hug

Keren

[Hurricane54]

P.S. You will probably feel guilty and will have to deal with your mother's tantrums and such, while you are leaving, but remember God is in control and He is looking after you. Keep a stiff upper lip... it won't be easy, but as my dear Mom used to say: "Nothing that is worth it, will ever be easy."