My hubby never lets me vent!!!!

[lovinlife4]

We have 3 kids (9, 4,2) and I babysit. Mon-Fri for a 3 and 1 year old and on Mon, Tues, Fri for a newborn. I usually start aound 6:30am to get my son on the bus then it goes from there. I honestly never get time to myself. I cook, clean, bathe the kids, laundry, feed the dog, you get the drift. While my DH works very hard and he does cook every now and then, he does NOT understand that I need a break. I don't get out of the house all week. Pretty much Fridays we go out to dinner and then Saturday is spent running errands. If I'm having a bad day and he asks me what is wrong, I usually launch at the chance to have an actual adult to talk to face to face and he seems annoyed. And usually he says I have attitude. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a caged animal sometimes. I don't ask to keep the money I make, I use it to pay bills. I feel like a loving Mom and wife. Like just this past weekend, my Mom and I wanted to shop late in the afternoon. I was under the impression he was going to stay with all 3 kids so I could just go and not worry about someone else (just for 2 hours) But he had errands to run so I ended up taking our 4 year old daughter because he said it would be too hard to take all 3!!! I feel that if I'm not cut some slack, I will blow up! Any advice?

[ZeldaCA]

Have you considered joining the gym, a women's Bible study group, anything that will give you a REASON to have to leave the house and leave him in charge for a few hours a week?

I was blessed to own a horse when my kids were little. When DH would come home in the evenings, many times I'd head out there, just to have some time to myself. It helped that there were things out in the barn that "needed" to get done. I'll bet if you scheduled something regularly -- a class or an activity -- he might feel more of an obligation to help out.

[His Bride]

It's so important to have time for yourself. A content mom is a better mom and wife. I found that I needed to join and bible study and a gym a couple of days a week and it really helped me as a young mother. Also, a bit of advice here, find someone trustworthy that will accept your venting. Husbands may not always be understanding and not be open to hearing your complaints.

I recall those days vividly, but you know what, my youngest is almost 19, and I'm amazed at how time flys! This too will pass. God bless.

[Lisa in OK]

Lovin'life,

I have been where you are. The way I corrected this problem (and this is just the way I did it, It is not necessarily the way for other people) is I finally got fed up with the whole situation. I did not used to be very straightforward. I worried too much about hurting my husband's feelings. If something happened that made me angry or hurt my feelings or just irritated and annoyed me, I kept quiet. I would just deal with it.

Well, I am no longer that way. I felt that if I continued to keep quiet, I was not being honest with myself or my husband. I have since learned that tact and diplomacy are more of a passing hobby than skill for me. I have also learned that my husband appreciates the fact that I am now blunt and straightforward. If he does something that upsets me, I just flat out say "I do not appreciate that you did (fill in the blank)." If I want/need something, I just lay it out for him. "I am going to be buying (fill in the blank) It will cost x amount of money." There is only one response he can give. "OK, save the receipt".

There used to be a time when if I wanted something, I would get a long, drawn out, exasperated sigh. That indicated to me that he didn't want me to buy it. However, if he wanted to buy something, I just said "go for it . . . ". That stopped too. I told him that the next time I wanted to buy something, his response was to be "ok" with no unnecessary sighing. Period.

It may sting him a little at first, but it's kind of like a shot. the sting will go away and lots of problems will be cured. Tell him next time "I'm going to go spend some time doing (fill in the blank). The kiddos will need xyz before I am back. I will be back at (x hour), I'll see you when I get home.

I know it's easy to type all this out, and not so easy to do. I was married for 10 years before I could be strong enough to do this, but if I can do this, I know you can. You are his mate, not just some woman living in his house. And quit using all your money to pay bills. Stick some of that in your wallet. :)

Edited to add: Full Disclosure: I have been married 11 years - 12 years in January . . . :) I've only had this new attitude for a little over a year. This has been the BEST year of our marriage. We are getting along better, communicating better, and he still only has the scars from our first fight after we got married. :)

[lisaann]

Make time for yourself. If the dishes or laundry don't get done today who cares?! If he complains about it then tell him he is more than welcome to do it himself. :D Don't be a martyr, that will make him feel terrible and just ramp up the resentment on both sides.

If you need to vent then perhaps you should keep a diary. I know myself sometimes I vent my spleen on paper and feel so much better. :thumb Believe me, if he has to come home to hear you complain every night he might get to the point that he doesn't want to come home. I have a good friend in this situation right now. She doesn't understand why dh is so late coming home and I can't make her see that he doesn't want to come home to hear her complain about life and him. :idunno If he isn't being fair to you then you definitely need to talk to him about it, even write him a letter so that you get all of your thoughts out without coming across badly. But you need to be the one to make your life better. If you make your happiness someone else's responsibility (dh) then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. :hug

[House of Light]

Hey... I am a SAHM....who also takes in a few kids for daycare...starting at 5:30 am....plus I have a three yr old, and 4 elem age kids. DH works long hours....

And you know what? I crave adult company. There are many days that go by that I don't even see another adult face(unless its a daycare mom...who is also tired..picking up her child). I start wondering if I even know how to talk to other adults. Anyway, hubby gets home late...wants to eat and sleep....and I just want to talk. About anything.....and I am sure he finds it annoying.....and yes, I feel much like a caged animal, too.

[lovinlife4]

Hey... I am a SAHM....who also takes in a few kids for daycare...starting at 5:30 am....plus I have a three yr old, and 4 elem age kids. DH works long hours....

And you know what? I crave adult company. There are many days that go by that I don't even see another adult face(unless its a daycare mom...who is also tired..picking up her child). I start wondering if I even know how to talk to other adults. Anyway, hubby gets home late...wants to eat and sleep....and I just want to talk. About anything.....and I am sure he finds it annoying.....and yes, I feel much like a caged animal, too.

I'm sorry you are feeling the same way I do. It's not a good feeling. I try my hardest to be the best I can, all my friends and family, DH included call me Superwoman. Sometimes I feel like that label will be with me always. There's one kid I babysit who is mentally draining. He pushes, take toys, spits, picks his nose, points his finger in everyone's face and has raised his hand to me. He drains me lots!!! I've talked to his Mom but I'm not convinced she cares and tends to think everyone else is the problem. He's 3 and I've had him since he was 6 weeks old. I love him but OY!!! Anyway, if you ever want to rant to me, feel free. PM me anytime:)

[mmullig]

WOW! I am surprised to see so many women jumping on the band wagon of throwing rocks at the husband. It seems to me that you have a GREAT life and there are millions of mothers who would trade your shoes. Sure it gets frustraiting and tiresome, but your rest will come when the are all in school. What a gift your husband has given you and you complain? I can understand your husband not wanting to listen to your venting. He works all day to provide for the family and has his own stressors to contend with. Men, unlike women, do not 'vent'. If you bring a trouble to him, he expects to find a solution. There is no 'solution' to your busy day. Might I suggest finding another mom that you can sit around and vent with each other and not bother your husband with it. Or maybe you can tell your husband that you are frustrated and if he will just listen for 10 min each evening then you'll not bring it up again. You may have to explain to him, since he is a man, that you do not intend for him to have a solution, you just need to express some things. Men do not understand the 'vent'. It is better to find another women that you can release your stess out with. We women are ventors and understand each other better than men do. There is no doubt in my mind that you are overwhelmed and busy busy with all that you have, but it is a gift, not a burden. If you continue to throw rocks at your husband about it, your liable to start having mariatal problems as well. Try reading 'Woman Power' by Dr. Laura. This is a great book. I'll keep you in prayer! God bless you and the AMAZING life gifts that you have.

[Lisa in OK]

So she should spill all her intimate family "stuff" to some person who is not her mate? Yes, he works all day. So does she. If he takes vacation time from work, do you imagine that he comes home and says "honey, for this week, I'll do the majority of the work around here" ? No, he probably comes home and takes a break. That's all she's wanting. Also, a husband is not like a stranger that asks how you are doing. With a stranger (or coworker, or passing acquaintance, etc.) you answer "fine" and keep on going. When your mate asks you, that should be an opening to talk. If his response is annoyance, what message does that send to his wife? You know, his "beloved", the one whom he is commanded in Deuteronomy to "love"?

There might be a "million" mothers who would trade places with her, but rest assured, I'm not one of them. It takes amazing strength to be able to stay at home, maintain the household, raise the kids and take care of every tiny detail involved in being a stay at home mom. More strength than I have, that's for sure. I think she's entitled to be frustrated that her mate can't be bothered with her concerns.

[happymommy728]

Hey, joing a gym is a great opportunity to get some time to yourself. My husband and I are member at a YMCA here in town...they offer child care so we both get some time to ourselves. Often after being at work all day he needs to get out some frustration and I do to after being home all day. It's affordable and been great for us. Somtimes if I'm behind in errands my husband will take my daughter and head to the gym while I grocery shop or whatever. That way she's being taken care of but it gives him some time to himself as well.