Marriage/Divorce: Did I expect too much?

[JadoreAdonai]

Hi all. I hope I'm not wrong for posting this question. Just, I'm really upset, and wanted some fellow believer's advice, maybe comfort?

My ex (hopefully soon to be ex husband) who abused me in every way, and whom thanks to, I lost my son to his equally abusive parents, still calls me from prison, and I stupidly keep taking his calls.

Before I escaped him and his country, and before I came to no longer being in love with him and no longer hoping for reconciliation because it's clear that is just not a possibility. Mostly because of his messed up mentality, persisting abusiveness, failure to accept responsibility, lack of maturity, and major lying and untrustworthiness. But also because thanks to stupidness, which including law breaking, I can't return to his country, and he can't return to mine.

Anyway. He called me tonight and after rehashing the whole he's a lying, untrustworthy abusive *bleep* who betrayed me royally, shattered my trust and pretty much screwed up my life majorly, oh and cost me tens of thousands of dollars. He expects me to believe he still and always has loved me and always will, and that there's still hope for me and him.

Here's what really got to me tonight though. He basically said that I put too much on his shoulders. That I expected too much of him, and that basically it's all on me and that I wouldn't be so devastated if only I hadn't put so much trust and faith into him, and expected as much from him as I did, which according to him was too much.

So, tell me, was I truly wrong for expecting that the supposed "on fire for the Lord Christian" man I married, my husband, would actually be that, which is what he presented himself as? Was I truly wrong to expect that he would treat me with respect, kindness, and gentleness? That he wouldn't abuse me in every way like he did? That he would keep his word when he said he would work and I could stay home and take care of him, the house, and any children? That I not have to endure being made homeless? That he not make me fear for my well being, for my physical safety?
Was it truly wrong for me to expect that I could share with him anything, or everything, and trust implicitly that my husband, NOT reveal it ALL to others, especially in such a way that made me look like the abusive one, also crazy, evil, to the point that it caused people who barely spent any time around me, don't really know the good person I am, to hate me? Was I truly wrong for hoping he would be happy I conceived our child, after I was set on adoption instead, but gave in to please him because he really wanted biological children, but after I got pregnant, he seemed completely uninterested in our baby, and actually seemed to resent me for it. Was I truly wrong for hoping he would man up to his abuse, instead of pointing fingers at me, and laying out all my faults, and blaming me and insinuating we'd be fine if only I, not him, got help. Was I truly wrong for thinking he would work his butt off to keep me, to keep our baby, and to prevent the destruction of our marriage, our family?

Did I really put too much on his shoulders? Did I really expect too much of him?

I'm the one who feels like I got run over by many steam rollers driven by many hearltess people. And feel like I've gotten no real empathy or sympathy for what I went through not just these past two years, but my whole life. I've never had any real, deep, lasting support or encouragment. Instead I've been run over, broken into pieces, and always I'm expected to put myself back together and try to assemble some sort of life all on my own. I have no money, I've been waiting for a divorce for over a year and it's costing thousands and thousands of dollars I don't have, that my mother has only so far, paid the retainer fee, and not obligingly either, and she's refusing to pay whatever else I owe, as I haven't gotten a latest bill.

I lost my son. My home. My pets. All my belongings. I have no friends. No church here I can attend. Aside from one brother who ignores us, my family has no clue about what it means to be saved.

I know life isn't meant to be fair, but it sure hurts to get a huge lot of unfairness. It upsets me how blame keeps being laid on my door as though I have total control over everything that happens in my life, as though I had the power to influence my life and if only I'd what, waved my magic wand, it would have been better? Alot of things were out of my control, and made my life harder than it is for alot of other people. Circumstances just aren't always what a person needs.

My husband just has to sit in jail for another 5 months, for things not even related to the abuse he did to me, and then he gets out and his family welcomes him with open arms and he'll get to be the occassional father to my son, a son my husband didn't care about when I was pregnant, and who he didn't care about fighting for once social nazis got involved. While I'm completely alienated from my son. I'm not even offered the decency of pictures of my baby. He doesn't know me, doesn't even know his real name. :ohno

I'm sorry this is long. I hope someone read this and can offer me some advice, some kind words, a hug. I am so fed up with this world, I'm so hurt, and just want someone, other than Jesus, to love me, and want me, and treat me with respect, kindness, gentleness. Do I expect too much? :confused:

[HearItAndKnowForYourself]

aww i'm so sorry to hear you're going throug a rough time. *hugs*
is there a way you can hire a lawyer and try to fight for your son back? and i think it would be great if you could join and church and get a strong support system going. it's always great to have strong and supportive people backing you up in your corner...

[Sunny]

No, Sweetie. It sounds like he's playing you. He knows how and he's doing it again. You need to quit taking his calls to discuss personal issues.

If you have to discuss non-personal issues with him to take care of business, do so politely and in a friendly but businesslike tone. Then if he brings something up, simply say, "I'm sorry, I am not going to discuss that with you, is there any more business you need to talk about?"

Just keep repeating that whenever he tries to drag you into personal issues. And the moment you know that there isn't any more to discuss on business, politely say thank you and goodbye.

[jadeeyes]

I think it would be very helpful for you to spend a lot of time in the Word and in prayer. :hug

[Lisa in OK]

If you have a lawyer, let him/her deal with talking to "the other party". I don't think you were expecting too much. I know this is really easy for me to say, but at this point, don't dwell too much on how much he hurt you in the past. The goal now is to be completely separated from him and should be aggressively pursued. Don't take any more calls from him and don't let anyone from "his" side attempt to dissuade you from your course, either by threatening you or begging you. The attorney fees are what they are . . . worry about that once you are freed from this fiasco. You have already displayed amazing strength in the face of all this.

[JadoreAdonai]

Thanks to those who replied. I appreciate it. :)

[forbygrace]

Hugs and prayers dearest one. My comments come from someone who has been going through a devastating time of discovering her husband visiting dating sites, adultery and "swinging" hook-up sites, a husband who I actually caught talking to a woman on-line, and a husband who has promised countless times to stop viewing pornography but whom I caught as recently as two weeks ago back into it. He too was once an "on-fire" born again Christian whom I met at Bible Seminary. He was going to be a pastor and I was going to be a Christian teacher and together we were going to live our lives in our little corner of the world for the glory of God.
What dry, dead dust his promises and wedding vows to me have become.
So I know what you feel and how sad and conflicted you must be.

Yes Valerie is right he is trying to play you. He knows your tenderheartedness and is trying to manipulate you. I understand the grief and betrayal you feel and the longing we women have to be wanted and desired by our husbands, but I wish you could listen to Chip Ingram's on-line series about marriage. Basically he says we have to realize our self-worth is not in any other human being on this earth but that we are accepted totally and loved unconditionally by Jesus Christ. Until we not only KNOW that but accept it and believe it in our innermost being, we will consciously or sub-consciously seek the love of a man and his acceptance.
And that will lead to let downs and heart breaks.

I have learned that there is no trustworthy man on the face of this earth, none can be trusted to be faithful and true. No matter what I did or said or sacrificed or denied myself, no matter how kind, loving, gracious, beautiful or entertaining I was, my husband still felt the need to view porn.
I will never trust any man again, and I think God has taught me that I have to totally live for Him and give my heart and love only to Him because He will always be there when earthly loves let you down.

I'll pray for you, that you will have the strength to realize you are far better off alone for now until you come to accept that only God can truly make you feel worthy and adequate, no human can do this for us.
I will pray for your family and that you find your peace and joy in Christ.

Grace

[JadoreAdonai]

Hugs and prayers dearest one. My comments come from someone who has been going through a devastating time of discovering her husband visiting dating sites, adultery and "swinging" hook-up sites, a husband who I actually caught talking to a woman on-line, and a husband who has promised countless times to stop viewing pornography but whom I caught as recently as two weeks ago back into it. He too was once an "on-fire" born again Christian whom I met at Bible Seminary. He was going to be a pastor and I was going to be a Christian teacher and together we were going to live our lives in our little corner of the world for the glory of God.
What dry, dead dust his promises and wedding vows to me have become.
So I know what you feel and how sad and conflicted you must be.

Yes Valerie is right he is trying to play you. He knows your tenderheartedness and is trying to manipulate you. I understand the grief and betrayal you feel and the longing we women have to be wanted and desired by our husbands, but I wish you could listen to Chip Ingram's on-line series about marriage. Basically he says we have to realize our self-worth is not in any other human being on this earth but that we are accepted totally and loved unconditionally by Jesus Christ. Until we not only KNOW that but accept it and believe it in our innermost being, we will consciously or sub-consciously seek the love of a man and his acceptance.
And that will lead to let downs and heart breaks.

I have learned that there is no trustworthy man on the face of this earth, none can be trusted to be faithful and true. No matter what I did or said or sacrificed or denied myself, no matter how kind, loving, gracious, beautiful or entertaining I was, my husband still felt the need to view porn.
I will never trust any man again, and I think God has taught me that I have to totally live for Him and give my heart and love only to Him because He will always be there when earthly loves let you down.

I'll pray for you, that you will have the strength to realize you are far better off alone for now until you come to accept that only God can truly make you feel worthy and adequate, no human can do this for us.
I will pray for your family and that you find your peace and joy in Christ.

Grace

Hello, and Thank you Grace. :) I think I remember you from past posts that I commented on?

Again, you have my deepest sympathy for your trials. :( It really is a travesty, when you trust so much in someone, give them your heart, you're all, and strive to be for them what the bible outlines, but sadly, they decieve you, betray you, let you down. They make you question yourself. Doubt yourself, doubt who you thought you were/are.

That is what happened to me, but only for a time, in the beginning of the abuse, when I was in the 'shock' stage, as I had never before been treated so badly as my husband treated me.

But thankfully, due to years of trials, and God, I came to know my worth some time before I met my husband. So once I got out the shock stage, I put my foot down, even though I was afraid of him. I told him I know who I am, I know what I'm worth, and I know I don't deserve to be treated the way he treated/treats me. I begged him to get help and told him if he didn't, I would NOT be one of those battered women who stays married to a man for years and years and years, hoping foolishly that some day he'll change. I know it doesn't work that way, or at least it shouldn't. Because it boils down to love. When you truly love someone with all you're heart, you are not just willingly to do all you can, but if you are capable, you WILL do all that you can, for them, to make them happy. We do have free will, and if someone is choosing something else, or someone else, even themselves over us, then I don't believe they truly love us. Sure they believe they love us, but it's not the love of God as outlined in the bible, and that's what we deserve, nothing less. The Lord says we can do all things through Him, so if we are first devoting ourselves to Him, then He will give each of us the capability to love people the way He does. But if we don't submit to Him, and do His will, particularly when it comes to how spouses are to treat each other, then we are defaulting as not just a spouse, but a Christian, and we then become unworthy, inadequate, and if the other spouse has been giving all of themselves, and it's not been reciprocated, they have every right to leave. That doesn't automatically mean divorce, as we should be hopeful for reconciliation, as long as there is enough to show it's possible. But when it comes down to situations like yours and mine, extreme, repeated abuse, and/or betrayal, as with you in the form of pornography, then we do have to realize that is not the relationship God wants for us, it's not what He expects. He understands we deserve better, and He does want us to have it. So if after separating, if even the real possibility of losing us permanently, does not make our spouse smarten up and do what is right, do what God demands, then we have no choice but to divorce.

It's true, we don't need someone to complete us. Only God completes us. I once read a church billboard sign, and I've carried it with me always. It said "Man did not create woman to compete with man, but to compliment man". Man was created out of love, in the Image of God. Seeing man's loneliness for a common counterparnt, God created us, women, out of man. While we are made from man, we're still our own creation. Each gender has something to offer the other, that compliments each other. Think of it like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Or coffee with cream/sugar. Cake with icing. On their own, those things can be good, with the other, they can be better.
I know I don't need a man to feel whole, complete. But, I do want a man, to share in life, because two people complimenting each other's lives, helping to make our time on earth more bearable, less lonely, is something I believe in. I have had alot of people use me, abuse me, betray me. But I wont let it make me so cynical that I lump everyone into one boat, and think I'd be best just being alone. As hard and far apart as we are, good people exist, it's just a matter of praying to God, and waiting on Him to bring us together.

Will I ever find another man to want broken me, with my many suitcases of life's baggage, who can help me carry them, and work on unpacking them, as the years go by. I don't know. I don't have a huge hope that it will happen for me. But I wont let myself become totally hopeless either. I'm going to trust in the Lord, wait on the Lord, and pray that He, the One who knows me inside and out, who knows my heart, will grant me its desires, as I believe He promises to in His word. And I'll be secure in the knowledge that, no matter where I am in life, on all points, He's there for me, when I need Him, even if I'm not always there for Him. I don't always give Him my all, but He always gives me His all, and I know that when it all comes down, to quote an Amy Grant song hehe "if there's anything good, that happens in life, it's from Jesus", so whatever those good things are that God gives me, I'm going to try my hardest to recognize them, Thank Him for them, and cherish them.

Sorrry this was long. God bless you, and me, and all of us children of God. :hug

[phyrehart]

I'm so sorry to hear that..

I was in a place that was safe. My husband kept calling. We would fight and yell and scream and I would end up sooo angry and mad and crying and and and...
One time in this place that I was safe. This older lady came over the phone and said "hang up." I stopped. I looked at her like she was nuts.. She gently leaned over took the phone and hung up.
She then leaned down and said.
"you are such a beautiful young girl. You have an amazing baby, You are smart and kind and giving and worth so much more then dealing with that. Why do you let yourself be attacked? Why do you think you are worth so much less then you are to allow someone to talk to you that way. But what is worse sweetie, Why do you put up with him? You have the power to hang up. You have the power to let it go."
She gave me a big hug. I sat that and was just stunned. It was so true.. Why did I choose to put up with him on the phone. Why did I choose to let him hurt me.
I had the power to hang up.
Next time he called...... I hung up!



Good luck sweetie!!
God loves you and we love you...
Your sisters in Christ!
Debbie

[Mopsie]

:pray :hug