Anger at my daughter...

[countrymomof2]

I need prayer, and a place to vent. I am so angry at my daughter! I don't mean just tonight. I have had resentment and anger building for years. My daughter's bio. father and I were divorced when she was 18 mos. old. When she was 5, I remarried. My new husband adopted her when she was 9, as her bio. father gave up all parental rights. She will be 16 next month.

Anyway, long story short, my daughter has always been an angry and hateful child toward me. While I was a single parent, she was always directing her anger at me. When I married, she directed it at me and my husband. She still does. She can't seem to get past the fact that her bio. father is the one who gave her up, and who never saw her, never called, and basically was a non-existant father.

So...I have built up a wall around me. I don't allow myself to love her the way I should. I've been hurt so much by her, that I have built up a wall of resentment around me. I know it's not her fault, and I know she was (and still is...to a certain extent) just a child that was hurt deeply by the whole situation. She dealt with it by directing all of her anger and hate towards me.

Now, although she is not like she was before, I cannot break the wall. She still has anger, but she has matured through some of the emotions. Also, she has begun to realize that my ex. holds a lot of the responsibility for what happened. But I just cannot break down this cold, hard, steel wall of bitterness and resentment that I put up in order to shield myself from the pain.

Anyway, is there ANYONE else out there that has gone through this? I feel so bad and so guilty, and so rotten of a mother. I should also mention that I have a 9-yr. old son with new hubby, and my love shines through for him. Of course this is boldly apparent to my daughter. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't eliminate this discrepency in my outward show of love. I still keep protecting my heart from her, even though I know I should open it up.

Thanks for any advice, prayers, and support!

[House of Light]

I have been that child. My father died when I was 9. Now, to a nine year old, whether dad walked out or died is the same thing. HE LEFT. My mom remarried a good man. But I sensed from the beginning that she had built a wall around herself. I don't even think she realized that she did.....but I knew. My brother knew, too. There is nothing that you can do but love her. She has a hole in her heart......no matter how much you dh loves her, she knows that her bio dad(who should love her) is not there BY CHOICE. Thats a biggie for anyone to carry. I have a feeling that she is taking her hurt out on you and your dh because you are safe.

Please don't alienate her. If she has more than one parent leave(physically or emotionally) it will only make the hole bigger. You are the parent. As parents, we need to love UNCONDITIONALLY. That is what your heavenly father does for you.

I am 34, and my mom still has a wall up. We get along, but I have sensed it there for so long. My kids do not know their grandma the way they should. I cry about it, still. I feel like I lost both mom and dad.

Also, she may feel that she is not as good as her younger sibling.....I have a half brother.....and my mom still protects him and concerns herself with him(he is 23). I never felt that I was as worthy. And yes, it is so evident to me, and always was. Oh, which in turns spurs more anger, and the cycle continues.

[ByHisGrace]

I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice other than you didn't build this wall up overnight so most likely it's not going to go down easily! But you do have to deal with this and that's going to take the grace and love of our Savior Jesus Christ to soften hearts. I'll be praying for you!! :hug

[dramama]

praying for you....I think even though you feel the "right" to hold a grudge against her for all the stuff she's done to you (my kids have done plenty of horrible things to me), we have to pray to the Father and ask Him to help us to forgive...I think you have to forgive her and try to start each day new. I am the worst person to get advice from, but it's what I had to do to get back with my kids after what they did. We forgive and move on.....sorry, it's all I've got to give you!

[Kristina]

Can the two of you get into some Christian counseling together. You probably both have things that you need to work on about the other, and learn to communicate better and get those things out of the way.
To mend this now will give you many wonderful years in a healthy relationship with each other. :thumb

[InChristAlone]

Can the two of you get into some Christian counseling together. You probably both have things that you need to work on about the other, and learn to communicate better and get those things out of the way.
To mend this now will give you many wonderful years in a healthy relationship with each other. :thumb

I second this! Some christian counseling both together and maybe individually for her. She has a lot to deal with that isn't her fault or your fault. It's just something that happened. It sounds like if her bio dad couldn't be the dad she needed that he did the right thing (as I'm sure you see it like that too) by signing over rights. I doubt she sees it that way. It may take a counselor to get through to her that it's not her fault and to help her be more at peace about it. Definitely pray about it.

Another possibility could be for you to sit down with her, VERY gently realizing that she's in a very sensitive & vulnerable state right now, and tell her how much it hurts you by her actions. It might show your humbleness to her and help her to feel like she can talk to you, openly, about what is going on. She may not know how to tell you what's wrong but help her to try.

[God's_Princess]

I had a LOT of anger toward my mom while growing up but in my case I think it was founded. She purposely kept my biological dad away from me and had relatives lie in court saying he was abusive so he couldn't get unsupervised visits. My anger mellowed a whole lot the older I got, and by the time I was in my 20s I felt no more anger toward her, but just forgiveness and love. 16 is a hard age - as I'm sure you know, the teenage years are a difficult time and a lot of kids feel resentment toward parents at that time. Your daughter will probably mellow toward you and you may even grow to have a great relationship one day. I would just continue to show unconditional love for her no matter how hard that may be. Ask God to give you the love of Christ for her even if you don't feel all that loving. I hope that everything works out between you two.

[Bamagirl]

Forgive me if this has been mentioned but I read most of the thread and didn't see it. Take her somewhere alone that might hold meaning for you. Tell her exactly what you have told us. I have been in her shoes, she may feel like you guys love her brother and you dont love her, just like her daddy that walked out of her life. My 13 yo goes through this some because of her dad. PM me if you want to takk but it is never too late. She loves you deeply, thats why she is acting out. My son one day not long ago told me he misbehaved because I didn't notice him. Praying for you.

[Aneriz]

I am coming at this form a different angle, although I think the previous advice is all good.

Lack of forgiveness usually builds bitterness and resentment. To begin healing a relationship begin by forgiveness. Ask the Lord for forgiveness of your harden heart towards your daughter. Ask Him for healing power thru the Holy Spirit and understand it can happen immediately or just begin a process. Walk it in faith that He will complete the work in you. Be persistent.

Second, go to your daughter and ask for her forgiveness. Tell her that you realize that you are not being the mother that you should be at the time, but that you really want to get there. To put the focus on the other persons emotions helps too. Pray with her and for her constantly.

I don't have your exact situation, but I did allow anger in me to blind me towards some relatives and treat them differently. It took a lot of tears, prayer, fasting, and perseverance to get rid of that root of sin, but today I am free and I can testify that the love of Jesus can flow freely towards them. Don't give up, you will be so happy to see His love flow.

[Kathe]

I will keep you in my prayers and I am going to recommend an excellent book for you to read. Changed into His image by Jim Berg. It will change your perspective on this entire situation and get you to think about it from Christs point of view rather than your own. I recommend this book to all Christians, especially those going through trauma such as yours. You and your daughter are both hurting and both are carrying tons of unforgiveness. That is destroying both of you. As the mom, you need to end this and this book will give you the biblical tools to do it right.

I will keep you in my prayers and your daughter also. Kathe