Help with teenage stepson

[RTCAT]

Hello,

This is my first post and I hope that I may gain some insight as to help me deal with my 17 y/o stepson.
I have been married to his mom for 2 years now and he has been in trouble with drug use since before our marriage, pot, pills, etc. He is also very disrespectful towards my wife, bad language, not respecting her rules. Also over this time he has stolen prescription pain meds from the house. My question is this: how do I deal with him in regards to our marriage? We have done the threatening stuff, even sent him to a juvenile detention center for a week but it still continues. I love his mother very much and the thought of divorce over this is not even an option. How does one deal with problems like this in a christian way when kids with his attitude know that nothing that you or the authorities will do to him matters because he is underage?
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

THANKS

[Chris72]

I have two step sons, but they are younger, 11 and 14. The fourteen year old got mouthy with my wife and I pulled him aside and calmly explained to him that no one disrespects my wife, not even him.

You’re in a bit of a tough spot, as it sounds like your step son is making some very bad choices. I guess if I was in your shoes I would to him that if he makes bad choices, he will face the consequences. If he steals from you, call the police. If he is disrespectful, then take away the car keys, and disconnect the battery or take it out. If he doesn’t have a license or car, then take away the fun things at the house.

When he makes good chooses reward him handsomely, let him see the benefit.

Above all, be a good example of a Godly man.

Pray for him.

[Byrd]

I feel your pain, my Stepson just got out of prison (2 years for agrivated burgulary) He was only 16 when he went in, and had a history of drug use, etc. Bottom line is, you are not his Dad, and everything I read on the subject of stepchildren says that the primary parent is responsible for training & discipline. You and your wife HAVE to be on the same page or trouble will come. I saw this coming fro several years, his Mom was oblivious to it, I talked to him, tried to get him to see the trouble he was headed for, but nothing worked. He basically said, you are not me Dad so you can't tell me what to do. So I didn't.

The end is good though, prison taught him a lesson, he is working full time, graduating from High School in December, and is going to go to a trade school after that.

At that age, you cannot reason with them, or tell them what to do, or what it was like when you were a kid.

My advice; you and your wife MUST be in agreement at to what to do, and how to react, and be comitted to each other, because your relationship will be tried and PRAY!

[Silas]

////

[mmullig]

Sad to say, but I agree with Byrd, your not his dad. At 17 he 'thinks' he is a man and you have invaded his territory. It is sad and unfortunate that these things happen. You could pull him aside and tell him man to man (as he sees it) that you will not tolerate anyone disrespecting your woman, but there isn't much you can do about the rest of his behavior. You can support your wife in her termoil. This is a prime example of why parents should wait to remarry--if they cannot stay married from the start--until the kids are grown and out of the house. Kids suffer everyday because of what we adults have done to them. Sorry, I got on my soap box. :pray for you and your family.

[antitox]

I feel your pain, my Stepson just got out of prison (2 years for agrivated burgulary) He was only 16 when he went in, and had a history of drug use, etc. Bottom line is, you are not his Dad, and everything I read on the subject of stepchildren says that the primary parent is responsible for training & discipline. You and your wife HAVE to be on the same page or trouble will come. I saw this coming fro several years, his Mom was oblivious to it, I talked to him, tried to get him to see the trouble he was headed for, but nothing worked. He basically said, you are not me Dad so you can't tell me what to do. So I didn't.

The end is good though, prison taught him a lesson, he is working full time, graduating from High School in December, and is going to go to a trade school after that.

At that age, you cannot reason with them, or tell them what to do, or what it was like when you were a kid.

My advice; you and your wife MUST be in agreement at to what to do, and how to react, and be comitted to each other, because your relationship will be tried and PRAY!

Yep. Often, the state has to do it. It's generally a long road, but if the results hit home, they finally start conforming to civil means of dealing with life and work.

Glad to hear yours is working and seeking an education.

[RTCAT]

Thanks to you all for responding to my need. I have tried doing most all the things that you all have suggested, maybe I needed to hear I was trying to do things right. For now everything is going better. He has started going to church with some friends of his. Hopefully God and His Holy Spirit will come to this boy and soften his heart.

Thank You

[KennyJS]

Hello,

This is my first post and I hope that I may gain some insight as to help me deal with my 17 y/o stepson.
I have been married to his mom for 2 years now and he has been in trouble with drug use since before our marriage, pot, pills, etc. He is also very disrespectful towards my wife, bad language, not respecting her rules. Also over this time he has stolen prescription pain meds from the house. My question is this: how do I deal with him in regards to our marriage? We have done the threatening stuff, even sent him to a juvenile detention center for a week but it still continues. I love his mother very much and the thought of divorce over this is not even an option. How does one deal with problems like this in a christian way when kids with his attitude know that nothing that you or the authorities will do to him matters because he is underage?
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

THANKS

Did you giveth unto him the 40 lashes minus 1?

:thinking

Okay... that might not be a good idea. The most important thing is that you and your wife are together with this issue. It always seems to be harder for the natural parent to discipline. I think another very important aspect in raising a kid is consistency. If he went to a detention center and nothing has changed, he needs to go back. If he takes medication from the house, call the cops. Don't let anything of that nature slide at all. If he cusses at his mother, something needs to be done.

The challenge is to do all of this out of love and not out of bitterness. He knows that he's in the wrong.

[theroc]

:)

:hug

Brother, you might try witnessing to him check out wayofthemaster.com for that.

Also if he claims to be a Christian, check youtube.com and search Paul Washer Shocking Message. Make him watch it

You cant expect a person who is braking God's law to follow his familys law...

[Mitsy]

I'm a stepmother to four but none of mine were into drugs. They only did the stealing lying and making my life miserable by acting as total ratgbags towards me when their father wasn't around.

My stepchildren are now 23, 26, 28 & 30 and yes I'm still married to their father but only just.

I can see you have already tried to sort this out with your wife. I'm sure you have already tried to be as goldy as you can be until you have had all your buttons pushed to the limit. I'm sure like me you have lost it with him on numerous occasions. This is very stressful and it really makes it on your marriage.

I know where you are coming from. I almost divorced my husband as he did not want to believe me about how bad his kids were to me when he wasn't at home (he did shift work). I had to secretly tape them to prove it to their father. Finally he started to realise he was looking the other way when they were behaving badly.

Anyway it wasn't until I finally cracked one day and organised to actually leave him and divorce him that he finally realised he had to act to support me or I would walk. If my hubby didn't do something I would have divorced him because I was actually being abused by his children's behaviour. Eventually we muddled through and fortunately tehy decided to move out as soon as they financially could after getting work. We ahve had them home when they had problems but they have managed to live independently and it has made a big difference to my marriage as a result.

I know you would not divorce your wife just becasue it is a little uncomfortable. Not sure what the long term looks like with your stepson but your marriage will not last if there isn't some future plan to have him live separately from you and your wife.

Can you think about putting him in a caravan in your yard and severely restrict his access to the house. Secure the house so he can't get in or easily break in whenever you are not there. This might give you some breathing room, the ability to get some relief from being on edge with him living with you all the time?

At least you will be limiting the impact his behaviour is having on you & your wife's lives while you are waiting for him to get to a legal age. If he continues as he is when he turns 21 you have other options.

Praying for you.
Mitsy