How Do We Talk to a Friend?

[Holding Pattern]

One of our best friends/neighbors homeschools one son. The oldest wanted to go to public school for the experience of prom, playing sports, etc. So now A only homeschools the youngest.
I don't know how to approach her because I have seen some disheartening changes. I don't want to seem judgmental or harm our friendship but I need advice because I know homeschool mothers are very protective of their job, and rightly so.

Here's what I am seeing... the kid, J, is 10. Together they may spend an hour together cramming all lessons and homework into that hour, and then A begins her house cleaning, yard work, whatever. By 8am their day is over. The tv or video games are on from then on out...she may spend a little time teaching him the piano later in the day but sporadic enough that J forgets what he learned last week or the week before.

She asked my husband, a biologist and educator, to work with J on the solar system and planets (because she hates science...not for religious reasons, she was never good at it, so she tries to teach as little as possible.) My DH says it was awful. They take the child to be tested every year (by a family friend who is certified for whatever testing it is) but they say that at 10 he is testing at a high school level... but the child doesn't seem to know the basics...and with mom only spending one hour a day on the child's eduction, I am concerned.

I know all this because she loves to talk...but I don't want to spout off...but I am concerned for J.

Suggestions on how to handle this?

[EmmieAZ]

I see that you are concerned, but in the nicest way possible, it really isn't any of your business unless you suspect abuse. As a neighnor, you have no idea what the child knows. If he is anything like my daughter, who is very bright, but doesn't like to "perform" for an audience. Meaning if I were to go "hey Chloe (in front of someone else) what is 5+5?" She would clam up even though she knows the answer. Also, since you aren't homeschooling, you don't really know what is possible in a short amount of one on one time. Are you as concerned about the millions of kids in public schools who spend 7+ hours a day at school and don't know the basics...many who are approaching graduation? I don't agree with TV and video games all day, but unless you spend all day with them, how do you know for sure that this is what happens? Kids tend to exxagerate the truth and if you are getting all of your info from a 10 year old, then you might want to take that into consideration.

[NewWorldOrder]

I see that you are concerned, but in the nicest way possible, it really isn't any of your business unless you suspect abuse. As a neighnor, you have no idea what the child knows. If he is anything like my daughter, who is very bright, but doesn't like to "perform" for an audience. Meaning if I were to go "hey Chloe (in front of someone else) what is 5+5?" She would clam up even though she knows the answer. Also, since you aren't homeschooling, you don't really know what is possible in a short amount of one on one time. Are you as concerned about the millions of kids in public schools who spend 7+ hours a day at school and don't know the basics...many who are approaching graduation? I don't agree with TV and video games all day, but unless you spend all day with them, how do you know for sure that this is what happens? Kids tend to exxagerate the truth and if you are getting all of your info from a 10 year old, then you might want to take that into consideration.

I agree. There are as many different ways of homeschooling as there are homeschooling families. You don't know what her future plans are. She could be easing her son out the way the public school does things, and may start a more formal schedule later. You just don't know. Unless you see blatant abuse, you should stay out of it unless she asks for help.

[Holding Pattern]

Wow, I am amazed by the answers. I made it clear we know this family as well as we know our own...We're very good friends, we take the atv's out, exchange holidays, etc...so we do know what the child knows...we see the family almost every day, we're as close as friends get...and like I said, my husband, an educator, has worked with him as was alarmed at the child's notebooks being blank, nothing in the math workbooks...and the mother admits she hates having him unhappy so she lets him self-tend.
Do you not see a problem with a 10 year old who supposedly functions at a high school level that does now know we live on EARTH? Who cannot add up change he finds on the street? Who cannot name 10 states at age 10. It's not shyness because the kid is all over us socially, it's not exaggeration because it's the mother telling us, not the kid.
He has never been in public school, no easing out of things.
Considering they live across the street, she openly tells me they do school from 7 to 8 and he is done.

I cannot believe anyone could condone one hour of school a day and the rest "mommy time" as she calls it.

Maybe I should have been more specific... this isn't something we suspect from down the road, this si something from the mama horses' mouth. I don't want to go to the authorities but I was hoping for some sympathy on how to help a child who is obviously behind and mama is being selfish. This isn't conjecture...

[Lucy]

Have you ever watched Leno when they do the man on the street questions?

There is no easy answer. Perhaps you could suggest to her that she join a local co-op and attend some of their Mom's Night Out evenings to pick up a little "mommy time".... or maybe pick up a curriculum that is already all layed out and arranged like Switched On Schoolhouse. When he is done, he is really done! (Those can be picked up on Ebay for a decent price) We serve a God of order not chaos and a boy his age needs direction BUT it IS their business. Pray that God will open her eyes and her heart and that she will move in a more productive direction.

[Lucy]

Some people call this method of schooling "unschooling". It doesn't appeal to me at all but there are those that do it quite effectively. The people in Montana or somewhere that had all those boys that ended up going to Harvard (on scholarships!) were unschoolers....

[Lucy]

http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=132239
It was California and their name is Colfax...

[EmmieAZ]

Wow, I am amazed by the answers. I made it clear we know this family as well as we know our own...We're very good friends, we take the atv's out, exchange holidays, etc...so we do know what the child knows...we see the family almost every day, we're as close as friends get...and like I said, my husband, an educator, has worked with him as was alarmed at the child's notebooks being blank, nothing in the math workbooks...and the mother admits she hates having him unhappy so she lets him self-tend.
Do you not see a problem with a 10 year old who supposedly functions at a high school level that does now know we live on EARTH? Who cannot add up change he finds on the street? Who cannot name 10 states at age 10. It's not shyness because the kid is all over us socially, it's not exaggeration because it's the mother telling us, not the kid.
He has never been in public school, no easing out of things.
Considering they live across the street, she openly tells me they do school from 7 to 8 and he is done.

I cannot believe anyone could condone one hour of school a day and the rest "mommy time" as she calls it.

Maybe I should have been more specific... this isn't something we suspect from down the road, this si something from the mama horses' mouth. I don't want to go to the authorities but I was hoping for some sympathy on how to help a child who is obviously behind and mama is being selfish. This isn't conjecture...


I'm glad you elaborated more so that we can see where your concerns are coming from. I agree that it does not sound like the child is getting the amount of attention he deserves (if your claims are true), and sadly, there are some who abuse the right of homeschooling. However, that being said, I still stick to my original assumptions that you may not know everything you think you know where it pertains to this family. Homeschooling is so varied from family to family that here isn't one basic mold to go off of. If I were you , I would be in determined prayer about the situation especially if the family are Christians.

Like a previous poster said, there are many families who believe in "unschooling" which is a widely recognized form of homeschooling that to outsiders may look like the kids are doing nothing at all. Please pray for your frienda and her family first and then see where the Lord leads you. You are a good friend, but please be wary of the type of trouble you could get your friend in if reported. I totally agree with reporting physical/mental abuse, but just because a family isn't foloowing your expectations doesn't mean they are ruining their children.

(And PS - it is not the end of the world if a child misses out on the highschool social ops (prom, sports, etc).

[RRuth]

I see that you are concerned, but in the nicest way possible, it really isn't any of your business unless you suspect abuse. As a neighnor, you have no idea what the child knows. If he is anything like my daughter, who is very bright, but doesn't like to "perform" for an audience. Meaning if I were to go "hey Chloe (in front of someone else) what is 5+5?" She would clam up even though she knows the answer. Also, since you aren't homeschooling, you don't really know what is possible in a short amount of one on one time. Are you as concerned about the millions of kids in public schools who spend 7+ hours a day at school and don't know the basics...many who are approaching graduation? I don't agree with TV and video games all day, but unless you spend all day with them, how do you know for sure that this is what happens? Kids tend to exxagerate the truth and if you are getting all of your info from a 10 year old, then you might want to take that into consideration.

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