tell me what you think please

[sheila]

ok i have this friend that i have known since i was 12 i am now 40. she has been living with this guy for the last year they were engaged within a month of meeting each other.
his divorce was not final but separated he says according to her that he is a christian and knows the bible family is really religious wouldn't even acknoledge her until his divorce was final didnt approve of his divorce.

they were supposed to get married last year but his divorce wasn't final yet so then they set the date for this year in sept. i told her from the begining that i doubt i can come its like 13 hours away from me another friend from here is supposed to be in the wedding but now that isn't going to work (back problems).

so about a week ago i find out from my friends sister that they already got married at the court house they did this to put him on her insurance now so they wouldn't have to wait but they aren't telling anyone ok only a few people know i am not one that was told by her they are still planning on the big "wedding" in sept. 7 attendants around 100 people invited but only a select few know they are already married.

i dont think she is ever planning on telling me i know i told her i probably wont get to come but it was never ruled out completly we were just waiting to see if we had the money now i dont think i want to go anyway
why should i they are already married
my husband says if we are going to drive that far lets just go to florida and see our daughter which at this point makes a whole lot more since to me we wont see her again until december

i have also thought about sending her a card that says congratulations - on your june wedding

[Ladybug]

Hmmm....from what I'm reading you were iffy about attending in September anyway. If she hadn't gotten married already (or if you didn't know about it), would you still be planning to go or not? If yes, then go and be happy for them. If not, tell her circumstances won't allow it.

As for the card, I would send her one congratulating her on her wedding and leave it at that.

[pagal]

Well, I know your feelings are hurt for not being "told" but maybe they felt as though they didn't want to "spoil" their big day w/telling people they married before hand.

If anything, atleast they are no longer living in sin (even though they did it for financial reasons) at least they made a commitment. They may have not told anyone since they want their actually ceramony day to be the one acknowledged by them, friends and family.

No matter if they are legally married or not, their celebration is on their wedding day and as a long time friend I think you should celebrate it happily with them.

Dont take her silence personally and don't send that card. It will only hurt her. Look at the drive as a nice opportunity to catch up. Those long time friendships are ones to be cherished.

[sheila]

yeah i guess i did know all along that i shuldn't send a mean card just needed to hear it. i am a little hurt and i feel like i keep giving her chances to tell me and she doesn't which makes me a little more hurt.

thanks for your answers

[sheila]

we did go through a little spat last year after i met the guy (they were down for a visit) she asked what did you think of him well i didn't like the way he commented about you getting dessert (she was trying to lose weight and always complaning and he said something) she didn't take it as him being mean i just didn't think he should have said anything in front of people at the very least

and i told her i wasn't impressed with this guy professing to be a christian and looking for dates on match.com before his divorce was final

that didn't go over well but i thought i should be honest and i thought since we have known each other forever i should be honest and i think she should be honest with me

by the way the friend that was/is supposed to be in the wedding has also told me they have already gotten married. she has also asked me if i want to go in with her to get them a gift - still leaning toward just a card but i will be nice as i know i should what kink of witness would i be if i take the low road

[pagal]

Sheila,

Friends can be just plain difficult sometimes. I have a friend (since I was 12:yay) who called me up in the middle of the night, to tell me (drunk) that she just got engaged. I :shocked said "to who?" since she wasn't dating anyone and told me Joe.:doh She then dropped the bomb that she was doing cocaine for the past 6 mos and I literally almost dropped :shocked of shock.

I pleaded with her to speak to my pastor and cried and cried to her how afraid I was for her life. She assured me she wasn't doing it any more and yada yada and that this guy although she didn't love him was "good" for her and could give her a nice life

She then asked the local bartender to be her maid of honor and although I wanted NO PART of it, I was hurt months down the road when the waters calmed down. I had always been her closest friend.

I thought my word she is making the BIGGEST mistake of her life:gaah And, I told her clearly my concerns and that I simply loved her.

She ended up marrying the fella and later on asked me to be her maid of honor. I thought and prayed about it and decided to support her and stood beside her. She married a Jewish man (she's catholic) and that day at her ceremony she asked ME to stand up before everyone and say the blessing before they ate. I did .....in the NAME of JESUS (much to his families horror!:aha but I then realized she can recognize the touch the Lord has on my life.

She turned from drugs and alcohol, married him. They "appear" to be quite happy together and they have 3 beautiful children now. She ends up to be a fantastic involved mother and well........

In the end....I'm glad I loved her despite her bad decisions. We're still good friends.

Even when you go to co-worker weddings you send gifts. A card for a long time friend is very distant and doesn't send a loving message.

Despite her quirks, despite her future husbands quirks - remember that our Lord is patient and long suffering, slow to anger and abounding in mercy.

If you can, get her something personal and nice with a beautiful card and maybe a book about a healthy christian marriage . Tell her that it's your wish and prayer that God will bless them and do great things in their lives.

You may just be surpised how she'll respond. :hug

[sheila]

pagal,
good advice! her sister is actually getting her a book about the way people show love dont remember the author but i do like that idea

good to hear you are still friends
i know what i was thinking in the begining was wrong i guess i just needed to hear it and i cant burn the bridge of friendship i have tried to hard to witness to her to never have an opportunity and if someday she finds out i know maybe it will show her that i am a good friend and i can witness to her through that somehow. not really sure if she is a christian have my doubts but then her sister was talking to her and maybe she is

thanks for sharing your story and thanks to all