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Thread: Biblical courtship

  1. #1
    millky Guest

    Default Biblical courtship

    Can someone explain to me how this works? What do you do? How exactly is it different from the usual dating scenario? Is there a set formula that you follow, like I've heard somewhere it involves meetings with the two families and so on, as if there is actually a set process to it or is it just that there are general guidelines to follow

    I've never done it or known anyone who has, I just don't quite get exactly what happens.

    Two people meet and....

    Fill in the rest for me?

    Thanks

  2. #2
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    I did a google search of it and still am not sure how it works

  3. #3
    EveryKneeWillBow Guest

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    The actual definition of courting, as defined on dicionary.com is:

    –verb (used with object) 17. to try to win the favor, preference, or goodwill of: to court the rich.
    18. to seek the affections of; woo.
    19. (of animals) to attempt to attract (a mate) by engaging in certain species-specific behaviors.
    20. to attempt to gain (applause, favor, a decision, etc.).
    21. to hold out inducements to; invite.
    22. to act in such a manner as to cause, lead to, or provoke: to court disaster by reckless driving.

    –verb (used without object) 23. to seek another's love; woo.
    24. (of animals) to engage in certain species-specific behaviors in order to attract individuals of the opposite sex for mating.


    Putting the actual concept into action means that you actually get to know the person. The epitome of courting is that the man seeks after the woman, if she is still at home- or even if not, he could still go to her family- mainly father- for permission to court her. He is a gentleman, and the lady allows him to be a gentleman. For example, he is allowed to open doors for her. It amazes me how many women are offended by this nowdays. The physical touches are reserved mainly for hand holding, I believe. Someone corret me if I'm wrong. The man romances the lady, in the purest sense of the word. And the lady allows him to do so. So they get to REALLY know each other, without the added dimension and complications that becoming physical before marriage causes- including kissing. While yes, I LOVE kissing, it definitely causes emotions to kick in, and your decisions can become clouded. Kisses are very intimate. I wish I had not been so blaze' with such an intimate act.

  4. #4
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    Some of the families at the Chrsitian school I attended practiced courtship. I do not have any Biblical references on the subject matter, but it was basically like EveryKnee said. The young men (this usually was allowed around age 16) would visit the young lady's house, get to know her parents. The father would talk to the man (boy?) in private, too. Almost like an old fashioned Victorian style courtship, but with Biblical principals. They were allowed to see each other at home, in groups like youth group, but not allowed out on dates.

    Of course, once the kids are in college and living on their own, it's a bit harder to comprehend courting rather than dating.

    The whole purpose of courting was (is) to get to know each other, and ultimately plan for marriage. This doesn't mean your child is going to marry the first person they court, but you wouldn't allow them to court someone that wouldn't be appropriate to marry someday.

  5. #5
    jeaucamom Guest

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    Our church practices courtship and this is how we do it:

    Prior to 18 the girls and boys are NEVER alone together. They do everything in group activities... group means 7 or more.. not an even number for pairing off and there must be an adult present as chaperone.

    At 18, if two people are interested in each other, they stand before the congregation and announce their intention to court. The whole body is responsible for keeping them accountable. They can now go out alone but the girls parents must okay each session. No later than 6 months later, they must either begin a 6 months counseling session for premarriage or they must separate (no harm, no foul). After the 6 months if they so desire, they may marry at any time provided the pastor who does all the counseling and the two sets of parents agree and give their blessing.

    Our girls and boys have a 99% rate for total purity at marriage... meaning their first kiss was at the alter. We have a next to 0 divorce rate and the kids totally buy into this, they are not being forced.

  6. #6
    millky Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by jeaucamom View Post
    Our church practices courtship and this is how we do it:

    Prior to 18 the girls and boys are NEVER alone together. They do everything in group activities... group means 7 or more.. not an even number for pairing off and there must be an adult present as chaperone.

    At 18, if two people are interested in each other, they stand before the congregation and announce their intention to court. The whole body is responsible for keeping them accountable. They can now go out alone but the girls parents must okay each session. No later than 6 months later, they must either begin a 6 months counseling session for premarriage or they must separate (no harm, no foul). After the 6 months if they so desire, they may marry at any time provided the pastor who does all the counseling and the two sets of parents agree and give their blessing.

    Our girls and boys have a 99% rate for total purity at marriage... meaning their first kiss was at the alter. We have a next to 0 divorce rate and the kids totally buy into this, they are not being forced.
    Wow that's quite a process. It sounds like it works though Why the 6 month rule?

    It does sound a lot better than the usual dating thing in terms of getting to know the person as a person, and not just as a romantic partner. I thought that was the main gist of it but I didn't get how it was meant to work. Thanks guys!

  7. #7
    My Abba's Child Guest

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    A young man and young lady meet. The young man is interested and thinks the young lady might be as well... he goes to the young lady's father (who is, in God's eyes, responsible for this young lady) and gains his favor and blessing to court (not date) his daughter. If he gains the father's favor, he is then welcomed to come over and visit with the young lady, hang out, do things with her family, (dinner, picnics, fishing, whatever), etc... This is excellent because it gives the two freedom to search each other's hearts (instead of the superficial searching of each other's bodies that controls most of what we now call "dating"). Hand holding is allowed, but that's about it as far as physical intimacy. The couple aren't left alone AT ALL. He plays with her brothers, talks with her parents, etc... remember, when you marry, you're not just marrying one person, but that person's family as well! He goes with her family to their church (if different from the one he and his family attend). It's a given that she is a Christian, for he's been taught not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

    If things are going well, the family finds the young man pleasant and respectful, etc... then the young lady is allowed to visit the young man's family. Same as for the young man, she hangs out with his family, plays with the younger siblings, talks with his mom and dad, etc... She goes, with his family, to their church (if different from the one she and her family attend). It's a given that he's a Christian, for she's been taught not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. If they do marry, she goes to whatever church he decides is their church home (because he is now her spiritual leader instead of her father).

    At this point, they should know each other down to their hearts, they should know how one another feels about just about everything, from politics to child raising plans, etc... You should have a very good idea about whether you'll be able to live the rest of your life with this person. You should know their flaws, and how to deal with them, you should know their strengths, and how to deal with those, too. =P You should know whether your family can stand the other person and if the other person can stand your family (after all, they'll be a part of it, and you a part of theirs!), etc... etc...

    This is a basis for a MUCH more stable relationship, a MUCH stronger marriage, and a MUCH more loving life together! It teaches the young man and young lady that relationships are built on WORK, not LUST. I STRONGLY recommend it, and I'm teaching my boys to do so... I just hope they can find young ladies, even in the church, these days that have been taught the same... or at least find the idea intriguing enough to do it. I'm hoping that, with the publicity for Biblical courtship that has come out with the Duggars (18 Kids and Counting), there will be a revival of this much better method of choosing a marriage partner. Imagine how much you would know that young man respects YOU (not how much they think you could please them physically), how you know him down to his heart, and feel much safer to give him yours, etc... MAN, I wish someone had told ME about this stuff!!

    In His love,

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by My Abba's Child View Post
    This is a basis for a MUCH more stable relationship, a MUCH stronger marriage, and a MUCH more loving life together!

    I STRONGLY recommend it, and I'm teaching my boys to do so... I just hope they can find young ladies, even in the church, these days that have been taught the same... or at least find the idea intriguing enough to do it.

    .. MAN, I wish someone had told ME about this stuff!!
    Wish I'd known about it too!

    I, also, am encouraging my sons to wait until they're grown and choose courting as opposed to dating. Until they are 18, they are subject to what we as parents tell them to do, but my hope and prayer is that by the time they are 18 they will choose to do it because it is the better way.

    My 15 year old son goes back and forth about it... "yes I'm going to do courtship.... no I don't think I will..." and in the meantime I continue talking to him and praying about it. Deep down he KNOWS it's the right thing to do, but those pesky hormones keep interfering!

    The main focus of these teen years should be developing his relationship with Christ and serving Him with passion, and putting those feelings and emotions "on the shelf" until he's mature enough to marry.

    It would be easier if we knew some people in real life who practiced courtship also, but most people accept dating as the norm.

  9. #9
    My Abba's Child Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Leigh View Post
    Wish I'd known about it too!

    I, also, am encouraging my sons to wait until they're grown and choose courting as opposed to dating. Until they are 18, they are subject to what we as parents tell them to do, but my hope and prayer is that by the time they are 18 they will choose to do it because it is the better way.

    My 15 year old son goes back and forth about it... "yes I'm going to do courtship.... no I don't think I will..." and in the meantime I continue talking to him and praying about it. Deep down he KNOWS it's the right thing to do, but those pesky hormones keep interfering!

    The main focus of these teen years should be developing his relationship with Christ and serving Him with passion, and putting those feelings and emotions "on the shelf" until he's mature enough to marry.

    It would be easier if we knew some people in real life who practiced courtship also, but most people accept dating as the norm.

    The crazy thing is that "dating" is a VERY new concept and, since it's induction, teen pregnancies, STDs and divorces has gone THROUGH THE ROOF! Tell your son to look around at the conditions people who are "dating" get themselves into (teen pregnancy, STDs, low marriage success, etc...) even in the "church". It's not "normal", it's not "good experience for them", etc... relationships aren't like used cars, you don't have to "test drive" love.

    In His love,

  10. #10
    millky Guest

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    That's true. People tend to have the idea that if you don't find out what someone is like in bed before you marry them and they turn out to be awful, that you're then stuck with a dud lover for the next however many years.

    But not only is that a pretty superficial way to look at someone you could potentially spend the rest of your life with...won't you have the whole marriage to practice? Der.

  11. #11
    Rinji Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by millky View Post
    That's true. People tend to have the idea that if you don't find out what someone is like in bed before you marry them and they turn out to be awful, that you're then stuck with a dud lover for the next however many years.

    But not only is that a pretty superficial way to look at someone you could potentially spend the rest of your life with...won't you have the whole marriage to practice? Der.
    To me that type of attitude is a slap in the face. To me it says "If you're not good in bed then what good are you?"

    If that's all that matters in the marriage, then why get married in the first place? How is it any different from a one night stand or prostitution?

    So what if you get a dud? You have the rest of your lives together for improvement.
    Maybe some people are afraid of working hard?

  12. #12
    millky Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rinji View Post
    To me that type of attitude is a slap in the face. To me it says "If you're not good in bed then what good are you?"

    If that's all that matters in the marriage, then why get married in the first place? How is it any different from a one night stand or prostitution?

    So what if you get a dud? You have the rest of your lives together for improvement.
    Maybe some people are afraid of working hard?
    Exactly!

  13. #13
    jeaucamom Guest

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    Dating, and serial monogamy is really just practice for divorce... all it teaches you is that once you are emotionally, physically and spiritually involved with someone, as soon as you find something you don't like it is okay to leave.

    Millky, the reason for the six months is, I believe, because you should really be able to know after that amount of time weather you want to continue with this person and it protects from situations where one is using the other until something better comes along. It makes the statement that you have to fish or cut bait, you can't just be toying with this other persons emotions. Not that you will know everything you need to know for marriage etc... that is what the next 6 months is for.... but surely after that amount of time you will know if there is interest and compatability. And surely it can end before that time.

  14. #14
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    You're asking about Biblical courtship. In Biblical times, there was no dating, and people didn't choose their own mates. Their parents chose their mates for them and arranged their marriages.

    Somehow, I don't see anybody going for a return to that practice.


    “God is right here, right now, ready to trade your burden for peace. Not just a little peace, but because of His amazing grace, complete peace. If you want your family to trust you, you’ve got to show them whom you trust.”—Tess on “Touched by an Angel”

  15. #15
    millky Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by kgreen20 View Post
    You're asking about Biblical courtship. In Biblical times, there was no dating, and people didn't choose their own mates. Their parents chose their mates for them and arranged their marriages.

    Somehow, I don't see anybody going for a return to that practice.
    Well spotted arranged marriage, yuck

    I was talking more about the kind of thing jeaucamom posted about, not really sure what it's called though apart from that. Maybe Christian courtship

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