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Thread: Help-I made a fool out of myself with a man

  1. #1
    Jenna Guest

    Default Help-I made a fool out of myself with a man

    I really put my foot in my mouth and need some male advice:

    I've been attending singles' dances for a while and dance regularly with a lot of the men. Some have asked me for dates, but I have not gone, because I don't feel that there's anyone suitable for me. After the dance, there's a small group of both sexes that go out to eat.

    Scott has been coming over to hug me tightly when he leaves. The other night when he hugged me, I blurted out, "I love you". It just came out! About 10 people were there, including his Mom, and a girl who I can tell really likes him. She immediately started whispering to another woman.

    Scott looked horrified at what I said! I tried to cover it up by asking whether he was coming to our Halloween party, small talk, etc.

    Well, I did see him at the Halloween party and he would not even look at me. I ignored him too. Also, he refused to go out with us after the dance.

    Please consider the following:
    1-I do feel a strong chemistry with Scott.
    2-The last time we danced, before this happened, he took both my hands and whispered, "Thank you, sweetheart".
    3-His Mom and the other women don't like me.
    4-Bill was there, whon has been telling me for months that he is in love with me and follows me around like a puppy.
    5-Men tell me that I'm beautiful and women tell me that I look like a movie star. I included this last on purpose, because I didn't want to sound conceited.

    Please guys. What should I do? I feel like a fool! Did I scare Scott? Even though I'm attracted to him, I do not love him, because I think he's bad news. BTW, we are all middle-aged, not kids.

  2. #2
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    I'm not sure how something like that would just come out. You've said here that you don't love him because you think he's bad news. I take that to mean he isn't a man of God, is that correct?

    Apologize to him and tell him the truth. Are you obsessive/compulsive or do you have any other "outside of the bell curve" traits that might have led you to blurt out "I love you"? If you do, tell him so that he'll understand what happened and maybe he won't feel uncomfortable around you. You've likely embarrassed him in public. Be honest with him and then put it behind you.

    And if you really do think he's bad news, maybe those big hugs, should they want to return, should become little hugs.
    Tall Timbers

  3. #3
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    Sounds like you are at the wrong venue - to find a suitable companion.

    The hugs seem inappropriate, and having someone follow you around like a puppy is wrong. Take some time in prayer and consider how you really feel about these men and make sure your words and actions are truth not emotion.

    Perhaps the ladies here have some sound Godly advice?
    It's ALL about Jesus. The Son of God - Emanuel - The Mighty God - Our Salvation.

    John 1:1-3 NKJV --- Luke 22:42 NKJV --Romans 3:23 NKJV, Rom 5:8 NKJV, Rom 8:28 NKJV, Rom 8:31 NKJV, Rom8:38-39 NKJV, ---Titus 1:2 NKJV - Heb 6:18 NKJV --- John 14:6 NKJV --- 1 John 5:13 NKJV --- Acts 16:29-31 NKJV ... John 6:28-29 NKJV... 1John 2:22 NKJV... Heb 10:11-13 NKJV

    “Oh Look,... an Atheist........I Don't believe it....”

  4. #4
    Jenna Guest

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    Thanks, guys. Now I feel worse.

    No, he isn't godly. This is hard to admit, but I think it was a combo of fatigue, nervousness, lust, and loneliness on my part. I'm sure not perfect! He's sort of overbearing at times. I don't dare bring it up with him.

  5. #5
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    I agree with the "wrong venue" statement.

    I'm going to hazard a guess about his "looking horrified": after he was out of sight, he had a big smile on his face.

  6. #6
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    Jenna,

    I saw the smiley, so I expect you understand where I'm focused. Relationships need to be founded in Christ. He is the source of our ability to selflessly love one another.

    This is where male - female relationship must be rooted - Faith in Jesus Christ. I am assuming the purpose of going to these places is to initiate friendships that hopefully lead to long term committments. I've seen plenty of couples crash and burn, kids tore up, and suffering that just goes on and on by people overlooking or forgetting this critical piece.

    I wish to encourage you to do it God's way, carefully, with committment, with sincerety. I hope you have some mature christian friends that you can go to for counsel - it is very difficult in a sterile computer environment - and having people there is a benefit. I will be praying for you as I'm sure others here will be too.
    It's ALL about Jesus. The Son of God - Emanuel - The Mighty God - Our Salvation.

    John 1:1-3 NKJV --- Luke 22:42 NKJV --Romans 3:23 NKJV, Rom 5:8 NKJV, Rom 8:28 NKJV, Rom 8:31 NKJV, Rom8:38-39 NKJV, ---Titus 1:2 NKJV - Heb 6:18 NKJV --- John 14:6 NKJV --- 1 John 5:13 NKJV --- Acts 16:29-31 NKJV ... John 6:28-29 NKJV... 1John 2:22 NKJV... Heb 10:11-13 NKJV

    “Oh Look,... an Atheist........I Don't believe it....”

  7. #7
    Jenna Guest

    Default

    Thank you, Wally, for the prayers, and thanks to the other two,also.

    I'm probably overreacting to the whole thing, and it will blow over. I have been praying for a Christian man for a while now.

    Never met any potential men at church, but will try again. I'm starting to see the humor in what I did. You should have seen his face!

  8. #8
    Christina Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Wally View Post
    Jenna,

    I saw the smiley, so I expect you understand where I'm focused. Relationships need to be founded in Christ. He is the source of our ability to selflessly love one another.

    This is where male - female relationship must be rooted - Faith in Jesus Christ. I am assuming the purpose of going to these places is to initiate friendships that hopefully lead to long term committments. I've seen plenty of couples crash and burn, kids tore up, and suffering that just goes on and on by people overlooking or forgetting this critical piece.

    I wish to encourage you to do it God's way, carefully, with committment, with sincerety. I hope you have some mature christian friends that you can go to for counsel - it is very difficult in a sterile computer environment - and having people there is a benefit. I will be praying for you as I'm sure others here will be too.
    Awesome and good godly advice! Amen Wally.

  9. #9
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    (I'm a girl, but the majority of my friends are guys and I read/study a lot about purity; so I thought I'd answer anyways.)

    It's really hard to say what he was thinking without knowing the guy. It also depends on how well you know him. My guys friends and I hug and say "I love you" to each other all the time- but they know that I only mean it in a brother/sister way. So all that I can tell you is to just remember that if he did get scared away, it means that God has someone even better in mind for you. I know that when you like someone, it's hard to imagine that there could be someone better- but God's plan truly is much better than ours.

    If you are single and considering dating, I really reccomend the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It about consulting God to find out whether or not you are ready and who the right person is. The author also wrote a sequal called "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship", but I haven't read that one to know if it's as good.

    Oh, and this is kind of off topic, sorry- I'm excited to finally find a Christian who needs God-based guy advice because I've read so much about it. lol But these are two purity-related songs that help while trying to stay emotionally pure with guys:

    This one is basically a song that a girl wrote for her future husband.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDNSjdMLims

    And this one is a reminder that sometimes when we want something, God doesn't give it to us because He has something better in mind.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOXim5ZmSKc

    I'll be praying for you and your situation. Message me if you ever need to talk.

  10. #10
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    Default Dear Jenna

    This is a disfunctional group with a bad dynamic happening. Some of the signs you noted are a red flag. Give yourself some distance from this. Weigh all of the things you noted in your first post against scriptural behavior and enviroments.

    Don't get in a hurry! Be at peace in the knowledge that God has a plan for you that is better than yours.

    Small group Bible studies are often a better place to meet commited people than just "Christian Singles" groups. Committed study group attendees are SHOWING fruit. Christian Singles activities only people are many times just LOOKING for fruit!


    Jeff

  11. #11
    Jenna Guest

    Smile

    I feel that I've received some useful advice here-been feeling lately that this isn't a good environment for me. The people seem shallow and not happy with themselves.

    However, I've witnessed to some of them and they know that I am a Christian. Some of them say that they are. Of course, I am smart enough to pay attention to the actions that accompany their words, the women as well as the men.

    I need to look at myself and see if this is where God needs me to be.

    Probably not!

    I hope that I haven't given a bad impression by letting Scott hug me.
    This was unwise on my part, and also naive because he probably didn't have the best motives.

    Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that the people seem to have very low self esteem. They don't like themselves, but don't appear concerned with sin. The men put themselves down, while many of the women appear to be bitter towards men.

    God loves me unconditionally. Therefore, I carry this with me wherever I go. But this is the wrong environment for me.

  12. #12
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    I'll tell you something completely embarrassing that happened to me this year.

    There are two small businesses in the same building. We share a hall. The other guy and his wife have been there for 20 years.

    My husband and I have been on our side for 10. We always chatted a lot.

    I was confiding annoyances and such in my life, to the guy we'll call Jack. I treated him like a girlfriend.

    In my own defense, I have congenital brain damage and I have trouble interpreting social situations and understanding boundaries.

    So, I would say "I wish my husband were more appreciative. All I ever hear is complaining! Would it kill him to say something nice now and then?" I think I secretly hoped Jack would tell him "You need to appreciate her more".

    One day as I was leaving, Jack asked for a hug. I looked at Mrs. Jack and she made a "goahead" gesture, so every now and then I would give him a hug, him sitting, me leaning over and giving him a quick hug.

    Then, he made a move when we were alone! Oh, man. It has been a royal mess. Jack started acting like a stalker and I am so paranoid about saying anything other than "HI" to any man but my husband!

    It's not just you - but you have to be very careful about those "hugs". Boy, did I learn my lesson! A pat on the back is it!

    " I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism." March 6, 2010

    Isaiah 6:8 I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “ Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?”

    Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

    Matthew 22:9 NIV
    'So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’


    I'm praying for you daily!
    I get my Bibles here

  13. #13
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    I've learned... in social situations, if a man wants to give me a hug, I quickly put out my hand for a handshake. I will only hug a man in greeting if my spouse is present - and even those occasions are extremely rare. My hugs are special you see.... only my DH and my family get to enjoy them And my girlfriends. Well ok, and my kitties

    I've learned this the hard way like you Acts, in my younger years I used to have trouble determining proper boundaries, and was very naive. I would just hug anybody who wanted one. I was mortified when occasions cropped up where a man would be improper toward me, because I hugged him and that somehow sent a signal that I didn't intend.

    Boundaries. Gotta have 'em!!
    I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. (Rev. 3:8,10)


    I'm a Navy mom.

  14. #14
    Robert Guest

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    ...
    Last edited by Robert; November 7th, 2010 at 04:49 AM. Reason: ...

  15. #15
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    Oh, yeah.

    That's my problem, I'm a hugger. I'm like a little puppy. Wag, wag.

    One time a slow guy on our service was having a bad time, and my husband held his hand the whole ride.

    So sad, these days.

    " I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism." March 6, 2010

    Isaiah 6:8 I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “ Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?”

    Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

    Matthew 22:9 NIV
    'So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’


    I'm praying for you daily!
    I get my Bibles here

  16. #16
    Jenna Guest

    Default

    I planned to just let this thread die, but then I thought you all might be curious for an update.

    I did go to the Christmas dance. Scott was there and asked me to dance, which I did. He was being very nice, so I brought up what had happened. Told him I was used to hugging my brothers, etc.

    Scott appeared to be trying to put me at ease and we talked it over.
    He said that he told people he loved them all the time (which I rather doubt). I told him how embarrassed I was.

    He said firmly, "There's no reason for a beautiful girl to feel embarrassed". Meanwhile, Bill has told everyone that he thinks I would make a great wife!

    Yes, we all sound like a bunch of teenagers. I think things today are no longer cut and dried between the sexes. But I will say this-I think love is based on sexual attraction, and that God intended it that way.

    As you all can tell, I do feel a strong physical attraction for Scott. As for Bill, I could never feel anything in that area for him.

    So, guys, any more opinions?

  17. #17
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    I believe that love is based on commitment. You need to marry someone who you feel that you can be committed to through anything. Love is not a feeling. Feelings do come with love, but they aren't what love is. Love is not self seeking; feelings are really for your own benefit, not for the other person. You need to be with someone for their benefit, not for your own. And they need to want the relationship for your benefit, not for their own.

    Here's something that I am trying right now- Think about what ways husbands and wives can serve each other and better each others' faith life. Then, make sure that you have all of those things. For example, you better each other's faith by having bible studies together.....so while you are single you need to practice that by reading your bible every day. If you aren't able to do it while you're single, you won't do it when you are married either. And women/men serve each other in thousands of little ways (cooking, cleaning, quality time together, communicating well with each other, not getting angry at each other, etc).....so until we are married, we should practice these things on our parents. If you can't do it for your parents, you won't be able to do it for your husband either.

    Our hearts can lie to us. Don't be with someone based on your feelings, because feelings lie. The devil tries to control your feelings, they aren't always from God. The only thing to do is to pray for God to show you the right person at the right time, and use wisdom (meaning obviously don't marry a non-Christian, because serving each spiritually is a huge part of marriage).

    Here is a very biblical song about love:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo

  18. #18
    Jenna Guest

    Smile

    Genesis 22,

    Your comment is extremely well-put and wise. Feelings are always changing. Thank you.

    The way I see it, if you are committed to your marriage, you won't be so quick to bail out when you are disappointed with the other person in this marriage.

  19. #19
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    When my husband and I first met, we had a very strong chemistry. It's mellowed, but still there.

    When he was comatose in ICU for weeks, it was love that kept me there. I sure wasn't getting any "action"!

    I really didn't understand for a long time; I was fascinated with the whole concept of love. How did you know?

    My parents gave me very vague answers. "You'll know".

    Well, for me falling in love was like getting mugged. I knew. He was not very likely, and not the best looking guy in the store either. But I knew this was the man. He felt the same, we had a big age difference (20 years), and he's a different race entirely.

    IMO, only: I think sexual attraction is a terrible foundation on which to build. My husband was [cough cough] before we met and he said the hottest relationships always fizzled or went boom in horrific ways. Ron was the first man to whom I was attracted like that; and I haven't met any other men I "liked".

    I would rather build on a strong friendship (my husband and I had both) and most importantly; A STRONG MUTUAL FAITH, or remain single.

    Marriage IS a lot of work. Communicating and being aware of the other person's love language, desires, hot buttons, etc... a lot of work.

    " I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism." March 6, 2010

    Isaiah 6:8 I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “ Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?”

    Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

    Matthew 22:9 NIV
    'So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’


    I'm praying for you daily!
    I get my Bibles here

  20. #20
    Jenna Guest

    Smile

    Maybe I have given the wrong idea in this thread.

    I've known Scott and Bill both for almost a year. When I first met them, I was very interested in someone else, which did not work out.

    I have been friends with Scott and Bill from the beginning.

    The thing is-now Scott is beginning to appeal to me in a physical way. He's sorta hard-driven, but has a sweet side. As for Bill, I adore him, but it could never progress any further.

    I did not mean to imply that Scott has always been touchy-feely with me!

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