~ Children In Heaven ~ 2 Cor 1:3-4

[ihope]

Just a little update...I have read "One Minute After You Die" and I recommend it whole heartedly!! Please, please, please, if you haven't read this book it's awesome! Also, for us bereaved parents...you know how we all have the Blessed Hope that we will be reunited with our children again and in fact live and breathe EVERY minute of the day eagerly awaiting? If you haven't seen this video posted on another thread:

http://harvestreno.org/messages.asp

(its the one called: Prophecy Update: Signs in the Heavens)

I encourage you to do so...as always I am lifting you all up in prayer!

[jayna]

Jubilee, what a wonderful touching post, thank you and God Bless you.

ihurt, I have read the book and loved it also. I read anything I can get my hands on to get me through this life.... well only the true stuff and luckily this book is true!!!

[Jubilee21]

Thank you Jayna..may God also bless you as well

My oldest son recently turned 31 yrs..and he, like my other kid's laugh because I always 'turn" them one year older and I put 32 candles on his birthday cake. They also get three birthday cards from me every year..

Ever since they were born, I celebrate the day I found out I was pregnant with them..I actually 'just happen" to know when they were concieved as well due to 'er -hum' special circumstances..lol!

My daughter is a 4th of July baby as my one son is a New Years Eve Baby..my first was my " 20th birthday" baby, my other son, St. Patricks Day. My Sara Beth would have had to have been a New Years Day baby...it has been a standing joke for years with my doctors, that there was no room for error, the days they were concieved...they all showed up like clock work..to the day.

As I believe life begins in the womb, and knowing which days they were..I always celebrate the day they were concieved as "official "birthdays".I also send them cards celebrating when they recieved Christ...the extra candle represents both these days and so they are never forgotten,

I light a candle for Sara Beth on her day to celebrate the day I received her as the precious gift to me that she was along side of the day Christ recieved her back into His arms.

God is so faithful, and all of these things just help me remember how much He is and how blessed I am..even losing my baby, was one that brought no sense to me at the time as how it would be used but I never doubted that it would..that was the one thing that got me through it.

I kept the verse close to my heart that God has plans for us, not to harm us but to prosper us even when we don't understand nor does it feels like this at the time becasue the pain and sorrow, the grief permeates the fiber of our very souls and hearts....or how these losses can turn our sufferings and our failures into little stepping stones ..those terrible nights of grief into new days as the Lord sustains us.

I am so glad, so grateful that I have been taught and learned to trust our precious Savior, Christ Jesus..because I know He is with me ( and us) and will be unto the end just as He has promised in John 14:1. He was with me when I lost both my parents in one year and then my marraige the following one, along with my home and alone with my four children and responsible for them.

He has been with me throughout an illness that I have been told I would die from, and have 'dissappointed' my doctors on two occasions by not accomondating them when they gave me this diagnosis and my children were not left without the mother they so desperately needed under the circumstances.

If it was just a matter of the circumstances and all of the losses, I would indeed have nothing to share as a comfort to anyone much less find myself after much I have seen or been through in the last 52 years, but I was so blessed and found myself counting it all joy as I look back..had the privalege of seeing some of those plans that God had all along and was just preparing the place and time they would be revealed to me.

It takes my breath away and my soul just leaps with complete awe and is crushed with humility at how great our God is as was the case with the child He gave me for such a short time, but so profoundly changed my life as well as others.

Nor would I have traded one sorrow had it meant I would have never been given what I have from all of it that has so profoundly shown me what waits at the end of this journey of our lives here is so worth it because our Lord will be there and we be "home" at last where our loved ones who have gone before us will be too!

Hold onto that knowledge when the pain is great and the soul is just so weary..death is but a curtain, that when drawn back even in the darkness of times deepest night, will let in the perfect day- Eternity. Who better knows our pain, the loss of a child than our Heavenly Father..and we know because unto us a son was given and He was called God- he is Christ the Lord .(Luke 2:11)

[jayna]

I kept the verse close to my heart that God has plans for us, not to harm us but to prosper us even when we don't understand nor does it feels like this at the time becasue the pain and sorrow, the grief permeates the fiber of our very souls and hearts....or how these losses can turn our sufferings and our failures into little stepping stones ..those terrible nights of grief into new days as the Lord sustains us.

Funny how I know this but still have to be reminded often!!! Thanks!!! I'm tired now and lately very scared the rapture is a long way off..... but I pray not. I worry so much about something happening to the family I have left that my joy is gone.... can't seem to get past this. I need your prayers.

My son is 32 so he's about your son's age and of course Jason was his twin so he would have been 32 also... but alas he's 28 forever. If it weren't for my 3 yr old grandaughter who lives with me I don't think I could make it. She can definitely put a smile on my face.... but I still long for Jesus to come and take us home all together all at once and all this pain go away.

[jayna]

I know its only a few minutes since my last post but...... my son has been out of town working for the last week in 95 degree temperatures and then all the way home today it poured down rain. As I've said I am terrified of something happening to him now and have been on pins and needles.

But just wanted to say 'He just got home'. Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God!!!!
I can breathe easier till the next time!! I know some of you can understand my feelings.

The Lord got me through this one too!!!

[Amanda's mom]

Yes, I understand perfectly. I used to always worry when the girls were out of my site. Now, even when they're home, I worry. It's so very hard to let them go off and do the teenage things because everything that could go wrong runs through my mind. I think it takes a lot of courage to let our children still here go off and out of our sight now.

[Jubilee21]

Jayna,

I pray this might comfort you. Both my sons came to me with in one month of each other and announced they felt called to join the military several years ago..pre-9/11, in late 1999.

My younger son, had the calling to join the Marines since he was very young.it was only out of honoring my requests that he give this great prayerful consideration and allow himself a few years in college and some time away from home to see how the world worked and to mature a bit before he made his final decision..and if it was the to still enlist, I would support him 100%. We had long discussions about the biblical aspects of this nor did I want him to maintain any 'romantic' notions about the realites of battle should he find himself in the heat of it and forced to take a life to defend his own.

I had this experience in my own past and as a parent, I can tell you how hard it is to allow a child to follow a path you have been on and recognize the realities of the danger, and relying soley upon God for everytime you come home unharmed and safe.

He made his announcement it was "time"..he had finsihed his associates degree and wanted to put the balance of his education on hold and would work off some of his credits through correspondence courses while overseas if the opportunity presented itself.

His older brother was farther along in his degree, had only a semester to go and decided it was time as well....he had quietly enlisted into the Army at the same time "coincidently" and announced this at the same time that his brother,.what he had done. His plans were long range to pursue a career in the FBI and perhaps become a Federal Marshal..he wanted the military training to have the experience and training for this career path.

Both of them wanted to take the burden off of me financially to allow me to concentrate on their younger sibblings college educations as they also wanted to help contribute to this..This was their solution and answer from God as how to do this.

I could not have been more proud and honored to have these two sons of mine step forward and take this path for the reasons they chose to...nor was ever more fearful for their well being and safety than when I "knew" where they might land..both were ready to takeon any duty, including combat. There was no 9/11 but there were very dangerous places for them to be placed in for duty..

As it turned out when 9/11 came around, my youngest son had returned from Japan..and was assigned at Quantico, his duty required he spent many days at the Pentagon..and he was scheduled to be in the part of the building that was hit that terribke day..for over 3 hours I did not know he had been reassigned at the last miunute to cover a crisis that arose earlier in theday before he was scheduled to be there..he had just entered the building prior to the impact..had not made his way to the area that was hit but was very close and had been able to help with the response to those who were injured and all the mayhem that broke out . meanwhile I lost a family member in the Towers, and had been on line speaking to them as all hell broke lose.

Part's of me died a thousand deaths in those hours I did not know if he was still with me as I knew I had lost another one as the Towers went down..to this day it still haunt's me no matter how much I get to hold him in my arms and know he is still with me and he is a grown man.

His brother went to Afghanistan..was assigned in the worst area of the green zone..and knowing his duty, which I can not discuss here, I watched what was happening all around him.knew where he was ..and on two occasions waited for the email to tell me he was not one of the ones who wee wounded or killed when I saw the events reported on the wires or the tv and knew this was his unit and he was there..

In hindsight, I worried no less, had no fewer fears from the day they were born and through out their childhhoods to the days when I sent them out to drive the car alone after they got their drivers licenses.When they were much younger on seperate occasions, I recived two calls about both of them having been the ones involved in the accident's I had heard the alarms go off outside our home signaling ambulnaces were being called to those scenes listenig to the sirens grow louder and being told by strangers, that it "was bad"..and not knowing what I would find, when I ran to those places that were just blocks away from our house, and had just seen each of them less than 30 mintes before those sirens went off and I got the calls..

then scarlet fever that my one son almost died from, the blood disorder that my first child was born with and had things not changed after four days of his birth, sitting there holding him, knowing I was going to lose him. Sat next to another mother bearing the same fears for her child born the same day from another condition, yet her daughter did not live, and I was with her as she held her and said goodbye as I held onto my own child.

I was walking across a neighborhood that bordered my campus to get to a facility when I watched a young boy get hit by a car, and could not get to him in time..held him in my arms and tried to do CPR, and no one knew who he was..but eventually the mother was found and having to hand her child, who had diedin my arms and out him i into her weeping arms. On another day, was the mother of the son, another mother held, same scenario, my child riding his bike went shoulder first into the windshield..and he suffered only a mild concussion , a broken shoulder and some nasty lascerations because his shoulder broke the impact..and my child was very much alive when she placed him my arms as I wepted from tears of relief.

In all of these challanges my children brought me that tested my faith, brought my worst fears, I never had them realized, my children , all of them are here with me today, and I am so grateful..but yet, in these same years I was so blessed with this comfort in spite of my worst nightmares haunting me and so much waiting to find out if they would be OK, my joy conflicted with the profound sorrow and loss I shared for those so close to me , in similar circumstances but did not the ending I had.. ..

I understand fear, a mothers instinct and love for their child..putting my son's on those planes that took the men they had grown into after managing to survive "their childhood" was so hard..that was what united me with those mothers who were walking in the same shoes..but at the same time were asked to bear the burdens of a journey I was not asked to when it came to giving back their children to God..

If I had been asked to be the one and not my friends or family other such as yourself, to bear this, I would like to believe that I may have shown half the grace and courage I have witnessed and right along with all the grief that has to be born.. The loss and the weight of it so heavy that I also found myself begging God to not have me to have to drink of "this cup' - so deeply knowing the weight of also saying thy will be done Father if asked to..

I have since stopped asking Him to spare me becasue now I tryly know measure of saying "Father, Thy will be done" learned it meant I had to ask Him to provide me the faith of Abraham from this friendship of ours as it has grown into over the years ..eventually reaching the stage I am now where I praise Him for when He will, that I know that He will indeed, when or if the need presents itself because I have come to know He is eternally faithful in his promise that Christ's grace is sufficient..every single breath I take has this prayer upon it, and because all of these trials, I know life is a gift and so fragile..

I stood in the kitchen with a dear friend as she scooted her beautiful daughter and wonderful son off to get to classes at our HS that I had just dropped my own kids off at..that was less than a half a mile away..both kids worked after school and this was why they drove to school..when we heard the sirens go off at the local fire dept, then the sirens from the ambulances growing closer as I had years ago , she was the one that got the same call I had on those occasions, that her children had been in an accident..that "it was bad"..and as we ran to the scene, I relived her worst fears that I had the day I was running to get to my children when this happened to me..her son was dead at the scene of the accident, her daughter was taken off life support a week later.

On 9/11 my son was spared, my friends son was assigned a duty away from another building no where near the Pentagon and was reassigned that day, to the place where the plane hit and died while she sat at home thanking God for him not having been there, believing he was where she expected him to have been while I had believed my son was also some where he was not..

My other son who was overseas had introduced me to members of his unit, sent pictures of them and we stayed in touch, one young women in his unit..a beautiful gal, a very devout Christian who I was very fond of..she was with him during one of the attacks and when the car bomb went off was among one of the ones who died and we had just exchanged emails hour's earlier..she had just completed a documentary for families at home sharing the experiences of being a soldier and how she grown to love the people they were there defending and how their gratitude made it all worth it. Mys son has kept it and it is often shared with her story to honor her sacrifice.

Just barely two months ago, my daughter who had such horrendous and rough patches during her adolesence and I spent many nights in deep prayer for God to intervene when I feared she might have taken her life.before she recieved Christ and so much changed for her after she did, announced her engagment and has a very wonderful future ahead of her with so much to thank God for..the same day she shared this news..my younger sisters daughter, who is the same age as my daughter was. when she had so many problems, did attempt suicide in her own home,

my sister found her barely 10 minutes before she slipped into a coma and got her to the ER and before she coded..for five days we did not know if we had lost her, but once again God intervened..but those days we waited, and the sheer horror of what had happend is very fersh with us..I have worked with Crisis Intervention here and have known too many times when the story had a different ending and was too late to prevent it by a matter of minutes .

My marraige failed, my former husband was a bloody nightmare, and sadly he has had no remorse, in every way one could fail and betray their God, their vows, spouse and children..he has..and did so with great harm to me ,literally in respect to much..and yet he lives his life, has "prospered" in many ways and not lost a thing or anything that mattered to him. While I was going through this tragedy struck who another dear friend had a wonderful marraige as long as mine, her husband a wonderful Christian father and husband, leader in the church and community, a true man of God..they went on a vacation, he got a minor leg wound while out in a lake they were water skiing on..in three days he was gone, the wound led to an infection and he went septic..that fast..

There is no rhyme or reason here..I spend many hours in deep prayer with many questions to this day why things happen as they do in my life and others..I have known know profound confusion, worst fears for hours and months at a time where for me I had a happy ending..and right along side of those I have loved and cherished suffer so much sorrow that those, like you have to live with day to d because God has asked this of us....has asked us to rejoice in these sufferings..albeit these trials and suffering, tremendous losses are not good in themselves..to count this as all joy for the Glory of Christ,.

Ultimately the reason why perhaps we are asked to do this comes from the answer in how we respond to it...

sufffering is a part of life and we can not know why one child, or loved one will be taken and why another one will not, we just know this is true, this has been my experience and why I have shared this..I know the life we have been given and the lives that were given to us, were for an eternal purpose..I know God has not forgotten what He has asked of us..when He asked us to give our loved ones back to Him.

I also know as believers in Jesus Christ we are given a peace no unbeliever can ever have and that peace I speak of and have received, is one I could not have at the end of my own trials had I not been been given them, taken through them and by faith because my heart was set on Christ first and foremost, trusting Jesus

Doing this is faith in action,...faith in Jesus that the brokeness we reach as a result of these trials and losses concerning our reliance upon our own strength yeilds itself to dependence upon the power of God...

My prayer is that you will take comfort and continue to trust His promise to "refesh you with sufficient grace" for the trials He asked you to endure..Acts 3:19, so that you may be blessed..with that eternal joy of knowing contentment in all circumstances until we are reunited with our Lord and Savior..that you may hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant" as your son stands there and shouts, "Thats my Mom, praise the Lord!! at the top of his lungs....

In the name of our precious, faithful, Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus this is my prayer for you and others here .

[jayna]

Wow, thats a long list of tragedies and near misses. God Bless you.
I know our trials and sufferings are only temporary (thank God) and also that he allows them for our own good to make us draw near to him and mold us to be humble and more like Him. And I do know God is with me or else I wouldn't be standing. So I will run this race to the finish no matter how hard it gets.

My marraige failed, my former husband was a bloody nightmare, and sadly he has had no remorse, in every way one could fail and betray their God, their vows, spouse and children..he has..and did so with great harm to me ,literally in respect to much..and yet he lives his life, has "prospered" in many ways and not lost a thing or anything that mattered to him.

This is something I just don't understand.... I have many acquaintances like this. The closest I can come to figure it out is that unbelievers are not bothering the devil and so he leaves them alone..... whereas we're trying to follow Christ and the devil can't stand it and so he does everything in his power to make our lives miserable. I don't know the answer, but at times I have thought the devil must be winning..... I also have been guilty of looking at people like this with their lives so supposedly perfect with no problems or pain and get sick to my stomach. (Although as I type this I have heard recently of an acquaintance like this and if what I'm hearing is correct her 'house of cards' could soon be about to start falling..... you can only lives these kind of lives for a certain period of time before you start to reap what you sow in my opinion). This is a sad world we live in.... if only everyone knew Christ.

..that you may hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant" as your son stands there and shouts, "Thats my Mom, praise the Lord!! at the top of his lungs....

Boy, that made me feel good.... I can only imagine!!

[jayna]

Yes, I understand perfectly. I used to always worry when the girls were out of my site. Now, even when they're home, I worry. It's so very hard to let them go off and do the teenage things because everything that could go wrong runs through my mind. I think it takes a lot of courage to let our children still here go off and out of our sight now.

I know, even when he's home I worry and he's 32!!!
With teens its triple hard to let them out of the house.... especially when you know whats out there, as you know all to well from experience. God Bless You, your in my thoughts and prayers.

[Jubilee21]

I think you are right Jayna..it sure does look like a lot of unbelievers seem to go about life and rarely seem to care about anything so life goes more smoothly perhaps.. they are so comfortable and at home with their conduct..

I think it is because we are not home yet that we find ourselves so restless in this world, all of those choices they can make are just so foreign to us..that they seem almost inconcievable, the guilt of doing so many of these things is just to heavy upon our souls, our love of Christ just won't permit it at least with out a lot of trepidation.

I just literally can't stand to let Christ down..it breaks my heart if I do..no have I ever once felt let down or mad at God..furious and at the end of my wit's over sin and evil..I have seen it at it's worst, literally looked it straight in the face and there was no mistaking what I was looking at. I worked so much with troubled families, folks with real serious problems...mental disease or injuries, drug or other addictionss, domestic violence and sexual assault victims, broken homes etc.

I have just seen so much of lifes's worst, right along side of it's best. There is no sanity to evil..and those who seem to be getting away with murder, are not...they simply are not..and I guess thats why I have done the work Ihave..to let them know this and to seriously consider the price they wil pay down the road if they do not accept the price Christ paid for them, "today"!

For me, there is so much I want my sons and daughter to still learn about our faith, to continue to grow and to come to know Christ as I do..,, one of the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to try to teach them why God permit's bad things to happen to good people, and why their Dad made the choices he did..and that they did matter ,but to also walk the line where I did not allow them to become bitter or stop trusting God because they saw they could no longer trust him or love.

What I did was be fair and kind to him no matter how much I wanted to get mad, and at times have justice via legal channels I had at my access to do..and would have been more than well within my rights to do so..but I didn't, I was so convicted this was not the route to take..so I went and beat up my tree with a base ball bat instead of him (LOL!) and went through dozens of pilows to cover the crying.

This rattled him..it infuriated him, it made him all the more vindictive and determined to try harder to provoke me..but I wouldn't give in..and this went on for ten years along with the gal he got involved with provoking this...but I remebred that it was happening just becasue I was not "home" yet, and that helped

Today, whenthere are family events , now that these two are married, they roll in and are pretty shameless.but the funny thing I have noticed is that I really don't care, it does not bother me and if anything I genuinely grieve for them now instead of "myself"..and this very much disturbs them..my former husband can't stand to look me in the eye, nor can even keep from turning away his head when he speaks to me..

she just glares..lol, but I never am the one to blink first, I just sincerely smile at her and tell her Jesus loves her and I hope one day that will mean something to her as it does me.

I see my childrens faces and how much they size this up..and I can see they are so comforted and proud for me. It's as if God wraps all around with a wall of peace and we all share this and it just binds us together, and there is so much love..it's hard to explain.

My children and I not only have the bond of parent and child, but we have the bond of our faith and we have reached the place where we are actually great friends by choice...we enjoy each other so much and there is mutual respect..I don't see enough of that or even much of that anymore..and it makes me realize I have been so blessed and want for nothing.I can't wait for them to meet their sister one day

When I look at my former husbands face , I know he see's it too and I see how much he misses it, even though he never valued it in the same way I do..he is only benefiting from a relationship at all with his kids because the Lord helped me to raise them to be the fine young people they have turned into. ..he's knows he had nothing to do with it and bears so much responsibility for that

I don't know what I would do if anything happened to them, we are so close but I guess when I really allow myself to consider it..what I could not bear knowing is that one of them would not be there with me in heaven ..as the worst fear..I want to be there to say "Way to go kids, Praise the Lord!" and I find myself longing in my heart to see there Dad there to say it too..for both his sake and theirs..and also the woman he married, and so many others..

I love parties..and I am so looking forward to this family reunion, to finally be at home among family and friends, loved ones and to see Christ smile over all of this....I guess for me no matter what the next day brings tommorrow, I just know it is one more closer to that day ..and that is all that matters. It calms my soul and makes every day, just another "kind" of beautiful day.

I have been working on a study called the "Fruit of the Spirit" - by becoming the person God wants you to be..it's my second time going through it.

I did it first when all of this was going down and I was desperate to find some thing that would force me to dwell upon God and not the other stuff..now its just to dwell upon God as I see the times we are living in that so bear the signs that we may be seeing christ's return sooner than we think..Hurting humanity desperately needs that which comes from God beforee then..this calms me so much..and it inspires me to keep on, "keeping on" no matter what!

Maybe this is something that might help you..or others here..to allow the Holy Spirit to fill up those holes in the heartand to be richly blessed by garden that bears the fruit.

[TrustingHim]

Hi, sisters, just coming by to share a hug.
Jubilee21, thank you for those beautiful, thoughtful posts. You give us much to think about.

Tomorrow is my Mark's birthday. He would be 30 and this is the 7th year he hasn't been here to celebrate with us. My heart and soul are weary from missing him so much.

Peace to you all.

Love,
Trusting (Another Sue !)

[pumkin67]

TrustingHim, you'll be in my prayers. Birthday's are hard.

[Anddra]

In the name of our precious, faithful, Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus this is my prayer for you and others here .

Thank you for sharing all these things with us, Jubilee. There is a lot sitting behind your post.

[Amanda's mom]

Hi, sisters, just coming by to share a hug.
Jubilee21, thank you for those beautiful, thoughtful posts. You give us much to think about.

Tomorrow is my Mark's birthday. He would be 30 and this is the 7th year he hasn't been here to celebrate with us. My heart and soul are weary from missing him so much.

Peace to you all.

Love,
Trusting (Another Sue !)

[TrustingHim]

Thank you, Pumkin and Amanda's Mom!! I needed the hugs and prayers!

I was thinking about my post last night. I should have said that yes, my heart and soul are weary from missing Mark so much, but my spirit rejoices that he is safe in Jesus' care! And how I, like all of you, look forward to the blessed reunion!

Love and peace to you all.

Trusting

[Amanda's mom]

God willing, that reunion will be very soon. I am so tired of this life and all its burdens, of longing to see Amanda and to be free of this body to which I am chained. With everything that is happening in this world, surely it can't be much longer.

[ihope]

God willing, that reunion will be very soon. I am so tired of this life and all its burdens, of longing to see Amanda and to be free of this body to which I am chained. With everything that is happening in this world, surely it can't be much longer.

I pray (write in my journal) that you are right! I had such a hard day today! I cried so much over my daughter Erica! Is it wrong to want to be in Heaven so badly? I had a close call on my bike today and I didn't even care. Life w/all its burdens is hard! Losing a child and hurting this much takes so much energy! I've been praying and reading my bible today and even planted some plants but I also cried so hard in her room. Today is not a good day and I hurt and I pray for ALL of our tears to wiped away soon!

[Amanda's mom]

I pray (write in my journal) that you are right! I had such a hard day today! I cried so much over my daughter Erica! Is it wrong to want to be in Heaven so badly? I had a close call on my bike today and I didn't even care. Life w/all its burdens is hard! Losing a child and hurting this much takes so much energy! I've been praying and reading my bible today and even planted some plants but I also cried so hard in her room. Today is not a good day and I hurt and I pray for ALL of our tears to wiped away soon!

I know how that is. I think that I get caught up in thinking about Amanda and I make mistakes that could have bad consequences (God has protected me so far from these). I go into Amanda's room which I still need to do so much on and just want to cry; sometimes that's all I do. I hold her bathrobe which still smells a bit like her or hold the lock of her hair up to my cheek and remember how it felt to have her head against my cheek. I look at all her books and toys and collectibles. about 6 years ago, DH brought home a cement chinese dragon meant to be a garden decoration. Amanda fell in love with it and bought it from him. It sits on the mantle in her room in front of a picture her grandfather had painted. We called the dragon Norbert and said he was a chinese cookie dragon. She had to feed him "cookies" to keep him from eating all her ducks. She'd always laugh and throw imaginary cookies up to Norbert, make chewing sounds like he was eating, and then pretend he was quite content. I see Norbert and remember all of that. It makes me even lonelier for her. Her pillow still has a dent where her head rested that last morning and a strand of her hair rests just above the dent. I can't bear to move them and I have no real need to. I cry every morning in the shower. Sometimes I think I couldn't possibly have any more tears left. But they always come back.

[Jubilee21]

I am so touched to hear each voice that has shared their losses here..the sorrow is palpable even over the computer screen but so is the love..the enormous love each one of you have for your precious children..and that is for me personally, one of the most validating gifts of being alive and as a Christian woman, mother, sister, daughter, friend and former wife for such of my life.

The thing that comes to my mind perhaps as one of the most needed steps of grief is to know its Ok to mourn..and to have those times of solitude where nothing else demands anything from us..that we can just be "us", and allow this grief to be released..to go to God and feel safe that we can allow the pain that is inside our hearts to come forward when we feel as if our chests are going to explode..some see this as 'bad' or "frightening'..

for me each time in my life I faced a loss that completely changed me and my life from anything it remotely ressembled before I lost a loved one..there was mourning..I had to mourn..I had to express my grief, to allow it to be just what it was..there is a time to stop being "brave or strong"..its Ok to "need" its natural and it healthy, and it's life affirming..for someit can be found in one way, and one length of time for another something completely opposit of that..but what we hlod in common is that it has to happen and in its own way and on our hearts terms..no one elses..there are no rules to this except this one when it comes to mourning.

I had to be able to touch and feel those things that were connected to the ones that I loved..my mothers clothing, her favorite book.my fahters pipes, his Half-and Half tobacco cans, the old denim shirts he wore and smelled like him..I didn't want to forget any of it..I need something tangible, a part of them to hold onto , becasue I simply was not ready to "let go" ..to cope with the future of them no longer being with me.

With the loss of my unborn child...I had nothing to hold onto except the utltra sound picture..in a rage of sheer meaness after I left my home due to my former husbands illness and violence, he threw away all and most of my personal belonging's..and in my concern for my children and urgency, I had been unable to take much with me in the exodus..and somehow forgot to grab that box where I kept that hidden with cards and monetos I had kept throughout the years..

When I realized what I had done, had forgotten that, I was absolutely heartbroken.but when I realized he had destroyed it..it was asif Ihad lost her all over again..losing that one piece of her , the only thing I had of "her" hit me so hard, I thought I was going to fall apart into a thousand pieces..and never be OK again..perhpas becasue at the time it happened my maraige was coming apart all around me under the worst possible scenarios,, and it was also like a death..and I was a widow..I had lsot the man I married to a mental illness, I had lost my home in having to leave to protect my children and my life..I lost my clothes, my personal history..my father was dying and I was "homeless" a mother with four children living in a house donated by a stranger but not madeinto a home "yet"..

I was so disoriented and walking around in a shock and could not make any one comprehend what was happening inside of me..I was the one who always "fixed" everyone elses lives..that was my vocation and occupation most of my life,and it was sheer force of training and experience of doing that all those years that kept me functioning on auto-pilot so to speak..

But the day came I had to grieve..I had to let it out..I had to let it blow..so I called a trusted friend, one who "got all of this" and we took a camping trip..away from my kids away from the responsibilities, away from everything in the Mts of Va, where we camped out , alone and with just the night and stars above us and the firei n front of us..in seclusion as we sat there ,she simply wrapped her arms around me and quietly said:

"Sue..its ok, it's your turn it's time to.tell God what hurt's, how much it hurts."


and thats when I let it rip..I cried, I sobbed, I think I screamed and and I wailed..so loud, with every fiber of my being..I called out to God for every loss I had and begged him to take me and keep me until all of this could come out and help put me back together for the sake of my kids..I was not letting go of the ones I loved..I was letting go of the grief..I had to be able to mourn..I had gone on too long being strong for everyone elses sake..

The waves of pain eventually lost intensity a little and the sobbing come less frequently.I found I could release it while I mourned in God's hands with my dearest friend beside me, I exhausted myself finally, let it all come out..I could breath again..I was completely "broken", and theats when the healing, began

My friend Liz, well the reason she got it was because..she had been a cancer survivor, and at this time her breast cancer had returned a the same time my mothers did in the middle of all of this I was going through, and we both knew she was not going to make it this time, just like my mothers
was going to die and leave me too..and I was looking down the road, just precious months from then when both my dearest friend as well as my mother were going to both be gone, after all these other changes and losses

Losing that picture of my unborne daughter brought all of this to bear, it was the stick that broke the cammels back for me....and it was just unbearable ..I genuinely grasped Jobs sorrow, the depths of it..with each disaster,loss or shock he had to endure as one by one, everything just turned to dust..all gone, as if it had never been..and asking God..where are you?..I can take anything God but I need to know you are near..I can't fele anything except this horrendous pain in my heart that is consuming me and all I want to to do is rip my heart out so it stops..I need to feel you but I can't thru all of this pain..I need you..do not abandone me..just let me know you are somewhere..thats all need.. then I know everything else will be Ok...today its not, and it feels like it never will be again..I need to know how this will be "OK"..and only your presense is going to make it bearable if its not.

I was shutting down, I didn't want to remember the good things, because it would remind me of what I had lost and why..I didn't want to stop remembering the good things because then all I would think of was the bad..I had to find a way to hold on for my own children but like a child I was struggling to hold on, my arms were too small, my hands not strong enough to keep holding on, and in my pain I did not want to keep trying, I wanted to lie down and never get up..

Liz and I knew the same pain and sorrow, and we had each other to hold on to while we went throughthis valley of darkness together and cried out to God to let us rest, and aly down so we could get back up when we had to for our families and those who needed us to help them go throught this as well.

But we knew we had to do CPR..Christ, Prayer and Letting Go..we had to put the oxygen mask on us first so we could put it on the ones who could not do it for themselves..this was how "we did it"..


I had been there for her both times when she had to grieve, had to have her time to mourn and I had done this with her..its how we found strength to face each of our paths we had found God had taken us on as we came to terms we were on them and we could not take them without Him. In her case, Liz was leaving three children and a husband with whom she had just reunited with after a horrendous period in her life where thru all of this he recieved Jesus as his savior and this had healed their marraige. They were just begining their new life together , and then came the diagnosis ..her breast cancer had return and it was 'bad'..her chiildren were not going to have her in their life within a year or less ..

So together we grieved our losses, we helped each other mourn..as David did right up until the day he found out his son had passed away, then with Gods provision, found the strength to get up and move forward and do the next thing that came "next"..Liz her losses that were ahead of her, , I was going to lose her too, my mom after losing my father, their home, my only hom lefton this sideof the grave I had at the time.. along with mine that were behind me..and both of us know we would never be the same again, nor would our lives ever be the same again..

everything had changed and we had to find our new "normals, by taking each day, hour by hour , sometimes, breath by breath , footstep, by foorstep..and each one required a prayer for God to provide the way as well as the strength for two sparrows who had lost their homes, their past with its future that was the only one they had knownwe werei n a stange land, and all we had was the present to find our way.


I know folks think because I functioned that I was "getting over it", but in reality I can say that the pain was just lesseningand becoming more managable, I made a decision to survive and to live with the mercy and grace of God as my life line. I had to learn how to be happy again..literally had to relearn this all over again and make all of these things part of my new history..and how to live in my "new life"..to be kind to myself and learn who this stranger was that was "me"..life had betrayed me, it had not played fairly and acording to these rules I had made for it when it came to much..we all do this and the anger needs to come out along with the sorrow and grief, the mourning allowed that does not end when we leave the cemetary, it simply begins..

So , no do not let go, let what is be, until God takes yout through the next step..remember what is good and precious, do not allow the pain to deprive you of that..take that pain and mourn, cry your heart out, allow yourselves to embrace all the things of what is behind you that you want to bring with you as the precious gift it is that willone day be sucha comfort..whenthe pain simply begins to lessen and you allow yourselves not to feel guilty because you can feel happiness fromtime to tiem..and that you feel the life you have beging tocome into focus as God shows you the purpose He has for the balance of it until you are reunited with your precious lved, children or others you have lossed. You may feel adrift like a sparrow, and that you have no sense of "home" becasue your life has changed and nothing that you knew that was normal becasue it is is gone..it feels this way becasue it is..and that is why we must be like the sparoows and allow God to provide the rest, the place to land and rest, the time to mourn, the time to live again..there is a season for everything my precious family in Christ..be still and know that God has never been closer, He is ther and allow Him to let you grieve, take your heart through this pain..and to cry..because those tears are indeed precious jewels to Him as they should be they come from the heart and everyone of them is full of love..

Cry your heart out, for there is nothing more precious than to have loved and cherished a child, that has been taken from us for a time..but always remember through those tears, this IS IN Gods time, the seasons will come full circle and those tears can and will be for joy again..do not doubt this!

Embrace those memories..they are the pictures of your loved ones that your heart and your tears have painted and never, ever should be thrown away or forgotten.It took me years to be honest before my life and its circumstances of all its changes allowed me to grieve..to mourn properly and healthily for each thing Ilost, gradually I did, I am still "doing this" to this day..and I hold this poem close to my heart when a sudden rush of grief shows up out of the blue..I come across things that were my parents I had boxed away in many moves and never got to..I can remeber the child Ilost and it is the sheer joy I had themonet I knew she was in me as my "picture" and the one that keeps the others out..like David I donot fear the giants, I am armed with the neede skills and weapons that God has proivide whenIhave to go to battle with my worst fears, and Know I wil not be defeated because Jesus is my hope..my hope will never die nor can be taken from me.

When I let go of my worst sorrows and fears, it was hope that took their spots, filled those holes that used to break my heart when they were filled with the heartbreaks of life.

I finally can look at pictures of my children when they were babies, with their father in them, hundreds and not mourn the loss of his absence but take comfort of what was good in him still remaining in my children from the times that were the happiest of my life.I am indeed like the sparrows God takes care of..I just understand their songs now!

That pain you are feeling, allow it to come and God to show you how to mourn as it is a needed friend, to get that hope back into your hearts again -

Like a bird
Singing in the rain,
Let grateful memories
Survive in time of sorrow.

Robert Louis Stevenson

[Ironguild]

Wow, this is a really touching thread.
My mother had 3 miscarriages between my brother and I, and I can't wait to finally meet my other siblings when we are translated to the Kingdom of our Lord!
And I lost a child due to miscarriage a few years ago, unfortunately my ex-girlfriend and I were in a sinful relationship...Either way, I'm sure I'll be bawling when I get to meet and hug my unborn child in heaven.