Wow, you finally put words on the pain that makes sense: bottomless pit of pain.. I have always tried to find adequate words.. but sister, those ARE the words. Thank you for that. It is bottomless, its as close to hell as I'll ever come.
Originally Posted by Mom2ten
I've been in this muck for 11+ years.. all because I "trusted" my ex and believe one too many lies from him. And it hasn't even let up. I'm sitting in there with boxes of papers and starting to go through the emails, etc. to try and get some order to them. The truth doesnt matter to anyone right now but maybe at some point in the future, the girls will need to see the emails, etc. Thats another nasty side of this journey that many dont know about... documenting EVERYTHING you do... of course I didnt' start out doing that and thats when I needed to do it the most.. but I never dreamed... but when you get sued repeatedly.. you keep emails, letters, airline tickets, sometimes its recordings of conversations, anything to keep a time line and to "PROVE" what you have done for the kids. Try doing that for this long. It's not like I"m organized.. but through the hard way, I have learned.. that I need to record as much as possible and keep EVERYTHING.. receipts for things spent on the girls.. emails.. letters.. . You want to wear yourself out really quick.. try this one... only so someday.. someone will care enough to know the truth and you have something to show them... or if not, you have it for court anyways... this coming from a girl who took care of her babies while having a voice recorder in her leggings while still living with the ex and trying to get him recorded threatening to kill me.. how could I ever trust or believe someone like that is beyond me.. I guess I always hope to see the best in people.. even after they have ran over me a few times and even backed up.
But I"m dealing with a mentally sick person who has progressed to where I am the sole cause of all his problems and his focus for destruction. It takes time but it does and can happen. Its just that he has my girls and, truth be known, he actually hates women. He is and has been using them to hurt me. They are his property. Give it a name if you want.. doesnt matter if it doesnt do you any good or change the circumstances does it? My counselor told me that my youngest who so desperately needs me, counseling and medication could easily pick up his anger toward me and carry it on after he is gone. How lovely a thought is that? The one good thing at this point, is that I know there is nothing more he can do to me. He has taken my kids and pretty much destroyed my life... so it doesnt worry me.. if he kills me, which I think is likely once the girls all turn 18 and the child support stops.. and he has nothing but the bottle.. that he'll come after me... I go to Jesus.... once you have lost everything.. losing any;thing else doesnt really matter anymore.. (if that makes sense)..
So thats how you take repeated lawsuits, irs audit, deaths of parents, friends, bankruptcy, husband's disabling disease, unemployement, rejections by others.. oh the list goes on. but once you lose your kids... the rest for the most part.. is not as big a deal as it would be otherwise.. kind of like going to your mom's funeral and having the police called on you at the hotel because one of your daughters is fighting with your husband, tells her dad and all you are trying to do is say a decent I"ll see you later to your mom who was your major support through the nightmare. Want to know what a life of fun is for yours truly: lose your mom on Aug 2, be in court 2 weeks later representing yourself because you can't afford an attorney for this round in a lawsuit from you ex, go home, pack and move out your mom's entire house in the next 2 weeks only to back to your mail box and get an IRS audit notice in the mail. Yep. Now that sounds like a good time doesnt it. And it was the proverbial gong that started the season when I dont really have the girls anymore.. they are off on being teens, dealing w/ their dad and just trying to survive.. never dealing w/ losing their grandmother. I just watched it all go away. From talking almost every night to the girls to once a week IF I am lucky... and having an ill husband who loves me but has given up on life for the most part and just wants to go home... oh well... God got me/us through it... but I keep finding levels of weariness and being tired inside that I never knew existed.
So I"ve ranted enough... I would recap my story but then I have to relive it in slow motion to write it out.. and I can do it quicker in my head.. as I do so many times during the day... I read something this morning that I love: “Everything will work out in the end. If it’s not working out, it’s not the end.”
"Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."Isaiah 40:31