Hang in there Cherish. I totally understand that deep in the gut pain from not having them when they are young like that. In fact, I have had to literally train my brain not to even go down that road and think about it or I think I would literally double over and fall into such pain and darkness, that I wouldn't even be able to function. Every once in a while, my thoughts will start down that road and I have to stop them. I dont want to feel that deep gut wrenching soul wrenching pain again, especially since that time is gone and I'll never get it back as they are older. So try to stop yourself and change your thoughts when you start to go down that road. Its the only way I can survive and not lose my mind. And no one gets it but a mom who has given birth, started their kids down the right road, only to have the enemy take it all away. We do though and Jesus does. I dont know what in the world keeps Him from having that feeling every day with His Creation but I guess that is why He's God and we aren't.
Something that might work because you have to get the emotions out some way, is to keep a journal to your daughter. Every day tell her what you wish you could do for her, how you feel, etc. Date it too.And it doesnt have to be long, it doesnt matter, just gives you a chance to tell her your thoughts, she just wont get to know about them until later when you give the journal to her. I wish I had done this for my girls. I did come across a couple of letters but not the same as a journal. Express your love in there when you have no other way to do it. It wont solve the problem but it will give your daughter a gift many kids with both parents never even get and she will KNOW she was loved by you and how much.
As for the bitterness thing? In the flesh, I can't tell you some of my thoughts at times that I have to turn around and ask for forgiveness for. But, in the spirit, I know that he is facing hell if he doesnt get saved. I actually studied some info on hell so I could understand better what lies ahead for him (and others) who dont get saved. I wouldn't even wish it on my ex and trust me, that is quite a statement. He's lost and the enemy of our souls has used him to try and destroy me and the girls. I KNOW the enemy is involved in this because of the timing on some things was "too" perfect. But God will always do what is right. If he wanted to change this situation today, He would. But He has chosen not to. God is still righteous and still in control and I just trust Him because I KNOW He will always do the right thing. He has a purpose in this and I count on that promise. He is working this all out for my good and the girls good because I know I love Him and He promised me He would do that. So I wait, another lesson in pain. I could do a whole sermon on the lessons in this journey but deep down, I just want the pain to end. And it wont because of loss and because of love in my heart.
I understand/We understand. He understands. Get the devotional Streams in the Desert by LB Cowan.. it is an excellent book for a life that goes down a long painful road that never seems to end and it gives hope along the way. Its not for people who have a "happy" life, but it is for those of us who live in daily emotional pain. Hang in there.
Combat comes before victory. If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in His heart just for you. A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen. Streams in the Desert, LB Cowan
"Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."Isaiah 40:31