Need Parental advice from those with teenage daughters

[Mish]

Hi to all the Mothers reading!

I need your advise:

My son (16 yrs) met a gal in our church "youth" choir; she is the same age but they attend different schools.

My son dated her for about 4 months; he broke-up with her and didn't share much of his reasoning with me. (We are VERY close and he talks to me about anything and everything!) I figured he'd talk with me when he was ready... A couple weeks later he asked his usual, "Mama, can we chat about something"?- then proceeded to tell me the reason he broke-up with "Sue" (not her name)was due to the fact that she was pressurring HIM for sex! (Agh!!!!) He said she began pushing the topic after they had been dating only a week; he explained that:

* He was saving that "union" for his wife on their wedding night.
* He has been taught that his #1 job when dating is to protect the girl's reputation as that is a fragile treasure to be guarded. (and that includes "bragging about stuff with your fellow guy friends!)

She didn't take the break-up news well and for awhile texted him some pretty vulgar comments, but as of late she has been texting, calling and leaving comments on his FB page, etc. She has told him she would like for them to date again, but my son does not wish this in return.

Last night she texted him, and wrote something to the effect, "I hope you're happy- I just cut myself and I'm going to keep cutting myself until you go back out with me". ??!!??

I told my son NOT to respond and allow me to pray over how we should handle this situation. So, my question is this: Do y'all think I should call this gal's parents? How would YOU want it handled if it was your daughter who wrote something like that?

I'd appreciate any advice y'all have to offer!!

Thanks!

~Mish

[Acts5:41]

Absolutely notify the parents.

It is well known here I have mental illness: and the girl is sick. You might want to do some research into "borderline personality disorder". Basically, with them, you are either black (enemy) or white (rescuer/savior/loved one). She is now blaming him for her personal problems, because he "rejected her". At this point and time, everything that goes wrong in her life will be "his fault".

Tell them what you told us: your son broke it off with her because she wanted sex and he didn't. She is stalking him, and cutting herself.

If this escalates, notify the police.

I'll be praying.

I would also change his number.

[Mish]

Thank-you SO much for replying, Heather!

I have a very protective nature when it comes to children (and I think one is still a child at 16, though my son would adamently refute that idea! ) so I wasn't sure if I was being over protective by feeling this gal's parents should know about this situation.



I must confess that I'm rather shy about calling up this gal's parents (who I know from church, but just enough to wave and say Hi) and telling them that their daughter has threatened to keep cutting herself unless my son agrees to date her again. What a way to meet someone for the first time, if you know what I mean! I made sure my son did not delete her text, as I wanted it saved in case her parents or "Sue" would say she never texted anything of the sort.

Any advice on HOW to go about gently explaining this whole "thing" to her parents? Should I discuss it over the phone, or wait until Sunday and ask to speak to them privately (but face to face) for a fefw minutes after the service?

I will say there was one behavior (by Sue) that sent off alarm bells when my son was dating her: she joined us for dinner at a local restaurant, to celebrate a birthday, so she was in my van with the rest of our family. She started kissing my son, in a very passionate manner, causing me to almost hit a mailbox when I checked my rear-view mirror and saw that happening! My younger son reacted with a loud, "Oh gross, yuck- she's kissing my brother"! One would think embarassment would come into play, but let's just say- it didn't! I felt at that time it was more important to let it go and address it later with my son, alone. (which is what we did, so I wasn't taken by surprise when he told me later that she was pushing for sex).

I must admit, I never thought I'd be having this type of issue, having two sons and no daughters.

~Mish

[Mighty Dust]

Be careful with telling her parents. She could be abused and that could make it worse for her. I know from experience the more I told the worse the abuse so I learned to be silent and became self destructive.

[Acts5:41]

What do you suggest, then, Mighty? What if the girl kills herself and then the parents find out Mish knew she was cutting and making threats?

IMO, you shouldn't feel "bad" about telling her parents because it isn't your problem. It is her problem, her family's problem, and she is trying to make it your family problem, too. I think there is a thread in prayer requests on that subject, unstable daughter in law (battered husband thread). Everything in the whole family revolves around this woman's mood. She controls the whole family.

When I was suicidal, I told an adult outside my family. He "told" my parents, and I got the help I needed. When violent physical abuse was occuring in my home, I told an adult, they reported it, it was investigated, and it stopped.

I know it is uncomfortable talking about self-harm, premarital sex, and emotional issues. You might want to take this to the pastor since they are also church members, and then he could bring it up with them.

If she sends any more "extreme" messages, I would save them for documentation. I would also start documenting all contact, including phone calls.

When I was suicidal, the doctor told me that people who cut themselves are at a very high risk of suicide. The fact that I didn't was a huge relief to him.

[Mighty Dust]

I totally agree with you Acts. Hopefully the parents aren't abusive and will help her. It's a tough one because I don't know what I would do.Talking to a school counselor, her parents or police either way Mish needs prayer on how to handle this.
Just wanted to add.... I wasn't sure if she should go directly to the parents or talk to a pastor or professional first and have them contact the parents. Yes!!! I agree the parents need to know. Sorry I am so bad at explaining myself . s

[momoffaith]

If I were the girl's mother I would WANT to know.

I would probably call her and ask if you could talk with her. Give her the option of talking on the phone or meeting you for coffee or at church.
The parent's need to know. The pastor does also I think.

You have a wonderful relationship with your son.

[Mish]

Thank you ALL for your help/advice/guidance with this situation!

>Mighty Dust, I know exactly what you are saying, with regard to an abusive response within the home environment. When I taught 1st grade, I taught in the inner cities and I once contacted a parent because her daughter (1st grade, mind you) misbehaved in class for the 100th time. The mom showed up at my classroom with an electrical chord and proceeded to beat the tar out of my little charge! I pulled off Mom, told her if she EVER touched her little munchkin again in that manner, Child Protected Services would be making a house call! (see, told y'all I'm protective of children!) I scooped that little girl onto my lap and I told her from that moment on, she and I would handle any classroom behavior issues, that I would NEVER tell her mother because nothing that little cutie-pie did in my class =ed being beaten with an electrical chord. Anyway...I do know that "Sue"'s parents are not those kind of parents; they love their daughter greatly, but I do think they are unaware of her lack of sexual morals. And gee...I get to be the one to introduce them to that lovely topic! (help!)

So..knowing retribution isn't on the table, I think it's a good suggestion (mom of faith) to let her parents decide if they'd rather get together over coffee or just talk via the telephone.

I would appreciate prayers (thanks Mighty Dust!) for handling this situation with wisdom. I would never wish to embarass ANYONE (parents/daughter, my son, etc) but as Acts 5:41 mentioned, I also want to make sure this gal gets the help she needs. I don't think sweeping it under the rug will benefit her in the long or short run. I'm just rather shy about discussing these topics with people I don't really know well, and I wouldn't want them to think I was judging their daughter negatively. I just want to make sure she has a long, happy life as a Christian young lady!

~Mish

[Lucy]

I totally agree with you Acts. Hopefully the parents aren't abusive and will help her. It's a tough one because I don't know what I would do.Talking to a school counselor, her parents or police either way Mish needs prayer on how to handle this.
Just wanted to add.... I wasn't sure if she should go directly to the parents or talk to a pastor or professional first and have them contact the parents. Yes!!! I agree the parents need to know. Sorry I am so bad at explaining myself . s

Wow! I have 5 kids; 3 girls and 2 boys. I think you are doing an amazing job explaining yourself, raising such a wonderful son, and trying to do the right thing by the girl..
Do you have a youth pastor/counsellor at your church? I would meet with him first, and then set up a meeting to include the parents. For sure I would show them the text so they will know it is real. Girls are so much harder to raise than boys and boys are no picnic either. It is a tough world we live in for everyone...God bless you for trying and god bless your son for standing his ground. I am feeling VERY PROUD of him right now!

[Robinbobbin]

I would call the parents to ask them if you guys can chat and ask if you can meet for coffee. Personally, I think this should be a face-to-face get together specifically so you can show them the text from their daughter to your son. I would focus mostly on your concern about her health and wellbeing and absolutely make certain they can see the text string between your son and their daughter so they really get a feel for where your concern is coming from.

I would also speak directly with the youth pastor at your church so he can keep an eye on her both from a sexual morality standpoint but also from a health and safety standpoint. It would also be a good opportunity for the church to begin a study for the young girls in the church on what modesty and purity mean.

[Mrsppmrxky]

Please consider calling to meet with the parents before Sunday. That is quite a few days that Sue can self-harm before they are told. If you husband is able to go with you, it would be best for all parents to meet. If you have to go alone, then I would possibly contact one of the pastors of the church to meet with you or one of their wives. This way it would be handled in a bibical way and you all could have prayer and hopefully the news be received as well as could be in a situation such as this.

I had a child that got into cutting. I would have loved for someone to tell me! Thankfully my child came to us and told us, but I would have loved to have found out sooner so we could get the help he needed.

[Steph58873]

Something that always helps me when I have to speak to someone about something like this - open with "Do you know why I asked you to chat with me?" I find it is a very helpful ice breaker. There is always the possibility that this girl has done this before and they parents could say "I know our daughter has had issues in the past but we thought she was better - did she say something to your son?"

I will lift your family up in prayer.

[Wally]

It looks like an excellent time to talk with the girls parents..... about Jesus.

This is what happens when Jesus is kicked out of your life. You don't value it for the precious gift it is.


Encourage them, in mercy and in love to repossess their daughter. Teach her love and self value.
Teach her about how much God values us.

It seems the problem is to get the girl talking. Someone(s) is feeding her lies. She appears to want to score for her own self worth and fails to see the value of chastity that your son possesses.


AND Dont forsake your son. He has showed some incredibly mature conduct and Christ-like conduct. Make sure he is not holding her foolish conduct against himself.



Although our DD1, DD2, and DS do(did) not date <18, they most certianly participate in church youth group outings. DS1 is engaged, DS2 is in college and I expect at some moment she will meet someone.....but for now school must be finished.

DS... although no one has taken an interest in him, I do expect he will have to respont to invitations soon. I pray he responds much like your son. You have been blessed there.
I have an open door with all the kids, and tell them I will endevor to simply listen if that is all they want,
but they most certianly understand my love for them and my desire for them to remain in the embrace of Jesus.

[Cindy S.]

My story.

My neighbor told me my daughter was doing drugs, my daughter denied it. I believed my daughter.
My neighbor kept on trying to warn me and I got mad at my neighbor. I regret that, because she
was right and trying to help. Looking back, maybe it was God who put her up to it and I didn't listen.

My daughter has been in jail 7 times now and I pray that nightmare is over, but I still fall into worry. Lord forgive me.

Seems to me a cut on the arm would be an obvious wound. I would probably call the parents and tell them what she told your son but be prepared for them to get defensive.

[BrideOfChrist]

Surprisingly, "cutting" is pretty common amongst today's youth. I read an article just yesterday about the high percentage of teen girls who admit to doing this.

My daughter's youth pastor came to our home and told my husband (I wasn't home at the time) that she had been cutting herself. I had noticed a pretty deep cut on her leg previously, but she shrugged it off at the time. We were grateful that he told us about this. She confides in her youth pastor a great deal. She's only 14.

I think this is something you need to disclose to her parents.

[Acts5:41]

Most cutters wear long sleeves, or cut in places covered by clothing.

After my experience with the doctor at the ER - I did a little research. He was so happy when I showed him, I don't cut (I was already in the ugly gown). It is a symptom.

Anyway, I'll be praying.

I think the fact that you will be uncomfortable will help - they will know you don't want to discuss it. They will know you would rather be getting a root canal.

If you were making it up, you wouldn't be uncomfortable.

[prairiedog]

I PM'd you.

[Northland]

I think the best advice is to have a meeting at church on neutral ground.

Definitely include the youth pastor - ours is amazing and talented at counseling and working with teenagers. You need a neutral listener who works with both teenagers.

Bring the text, prepare for defensiveness. If need be, bring your son but do not include him in the initial meeting.

You are doing your best to help this girl, remember that and remind the parents in this meeting that you are trying to alert them to her behaviors and needs.

I have 2 teens and one young adult now and have dealt with many problems with my kids' dating partners and friends....

There is an amazing organization for recovering cutters and teenagers, google - to write love on her arms (it is a charitible organization but has a blog on their site so i didn't provide the link per rules)

[Mish]

Many thanks to y'all for the kind prayers, wisdom, personal experiences, and suggestions~ just one of the many blessings that come from having a large extended family-in Christ!

I did speak with "Sue" 's parents, bumped into them on accident at church this week; sat down and explained the situation. I told them I had requested my son to save Sue's text message, in case they might wish to see it for themselves, but I didn't have it with me as I hadn't expected to see them that evening. They ARE aware of their daughter's struggles; last year they started having her see a Christian therapist, which she still visits twice monthly. They said they plan to tell the therapist of this new situation and asked me to let them know if she sent my son any other text messages that were along those lines of thought. We had a very nice chat and at one point they thanked me for telling them as well as saying something like, "We know you didn't look forward to having this talk with us/feeling uncomfortable, etc" (obviously paraphrased). And at that moment, I found myself fighting the battle of my life (jk), to avoid the outburst of giggles that sought to take over!!!

Background info needed for y'all to understand HOW that could possibly happen!

*I have severe Fibromyalgia and have taken Cymbalta for about a year, however that med caused me to have very HIGH blood pressure so my pain control specialist switched me to a similar med, named "Savella" in an effort to reduce the high blood pressure. Well, my body is not only dealing with the absence of Cymbalta, but a whole host of new side-effects created by the Savella med. One of those side-effects being emotional extremes, crying one moment, laughing the next, and without logical reasons. Thus the cause for giggles to happen out of the blue!

But I plan on blaming Heather/Acts 5:41 because when the parents made that comment, Heather's post where she wrote, "they will know you would rather be having a root canal" popped into my head, mix that with side-effects of this new med, and it = Mish fighting the urge to giggle hysterically! I was mortified with myself, thinking "these people are going to think I'm emotionally unstable" and honestly, that created another battle of fighting giggles as I THEN thought, "this may work out well, they will want their daughter to stay far away from my son because they think I'm not well wrapped emotionally"! It was like an emotional snowball rolling down a slope, fighting giggles created a bigger fight to stop and it just keeps growing! Truly, this was so embarrassing and though I won the battle by NOT bursting out with laughter, I'm pretty sure a few strange noises escaped my mouth! This was NOT how I imagined this discussion happening in my mind- THAT version had me behaving in a polite, compassionate manner! Anyway, thought y'all might enjoy having a chuckle or two while reading this "update"!

Oh what an unpredictable world we live in; I know my doctor is going to enjoy laughing when he hears my opinion on this new meds side-effects at my next doctor appointment! Doesn't laughter lower our blood pressure, too?

~Mish

[Acts5:41]

[hangs head in shame]

Yes, it is ALL my fault.

I'm glad it went well. I know it wasn't easy.