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Thread: Daughter dilemma

  1. #1
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    Default Daughter dilemma

    We have a big problem which we would like to hear your views on, please.
    Our daughter is 23. She unfortunately has one failed marriage behind her, as a result of her relationship with God slipping. Although she knew she should not date an unbeliever, she did and ended up pregnant. She seems to be just starting to see the start of God's chastening, at the same time is wondering what to do about her future, as the three of them are a family unit. She is occaisionally going to a church with a creche, the pastor knows her circumstances, but hasn't said anything to her about what her plans are.
    Her partner, although we have witnessed to him, and our daughter talks alot to him about the Lord & the need for him to be saved etc, he will sometimes go to church, but won't take it any further.

    Tonight she said she know it is wrong to be with an unbeliever, let alone marry him, so what should she do. We said she needs to really seek God. We are praying for her & him, but what a dilemma: marry and be tied to an unbeliever or leave and split the family. The only thing we've answered definately is she must get out of the sin of living togehter asap.

    We'd value your thoughts. Obviously, it'll be her decsion with God, but it'd be comforting to know your imput. Bless you for your help.

  2. #2
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    First, so-blessed, here's a big hug for you.

    I don't believe that compounding her sin by marrying an unbeliever will make things better for anyone, probably the child most of all. There are reasons why God says not to do that.

    I think if she ever hopes to be a good witness to her boyfriend, she needs to break things off with him and move out with the baby. Then he may see that she is serious about her faith now and that maybe he should take her words seriously too. To stay with him is to further damage her integrity and witness to fear God and obey Him.
    "...earnestly contend for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints." Jude 1:3b


    Jesus + something = nothing

    Jesus + nothing = Everything

  3. #3
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    I'm a little foggy today.

    She was married to a believer, got divorced.
    Started "dating" an unbeliever, got pregnant?

    She has a child, in addition to the pregnancy? Who is the father of the "born" child? The first husband?

    Is she currently living with the boyfriend? It sounds like she is, I read that from your comment about "breaking up" the home.

    I lived with my husband before marriage, and there comes a point in every backslidden Christians' life, where you realize "This is why God said no sex outside of marriage, and a believer should only marry another believer."

    I reached that point in an ICU waiting room (he was also a backslidden Christian), sounds like your daughter is experiencing it now. I am currently married to that man; while I went through my crisis, he realized that God created marriage to protect both the husband and wife, he had left me unprotected, and he repented and married me the minute he could stand up at the altar.

    Kind of hard to advise without all the information. I do know that marriage "So the baby can have both parents" is a terrible idea. Plenty of people can tell you about their horribly painful, unequally yoked marriages.

    She could always consider adoption. Many couples are infertile and desperate to adopt.

    Has she gone to a crisis pregnancy center? They can really advise her, get her support with prenatal and all while she decides what to do.

    " I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism." March 6, 2010

    Isaiah 6:8 I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “ Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?”

    Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

    Matthew 22:9 NIV
    'So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’


    I'm praying for you daily!
    I get my Bibles here

  4. #4
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    Well, two wrongs won't make a right. Marrying an unbeliever is also taboo in Scripture but we all know it happens. My brother did so many years ago when he knew it was wrong. He paid a high price. She left him for someone else and it nearly killed him. So I agree with you she should not e living with him. On the other hand this is what I tell my daughter and her fiancé. Both believers and living together,they don't have an issue with it. I tell her God does. They marry in May and it can't come fast enough for me. Your daughter sounds like she is coming around. Keep her making baby steps and I think the answer will become clearer to her as she gets closer to the Lord. God bless and I will pray for you and your family.
    Ready for the Rapture

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    Thank you isong and all who replied. Acts: she didn't get pregnant by the 1st husband, but by the unbelieving boyfriend and that is the only child (sorry I wasn't clearer!) We said after prayer last night that the best thing she can do is move out, and live alone. Then she is out of the immediate sin and has time to hear God. The trouble is, she can't drive and needs to be driven to church, but do you think he will take her? No, of course not. So I agree he needs to see she is serious with God. We heard a preacher say once that you shouldn't marry an unbeliever except if you have a child together (Jacob Prache was his name) I have never seen that exception in the bible.
    Thank you, it's such a comfort to have you all here.

  6. #6
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    God bless you and your daughter. I think everyone is correct in saying she should get out of the living arrangement, so she can hear God, and to let the fellow know she is serious about her faith. As far as transportation to church, I'm sure if she spoke with the pastor about her dilemma, he would find someone to offer her a ride to/from services, if you are not able to provide it.

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  8. #8
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    I'm also a non-driver, so I get it.

    Unfortunately a lot of non-driving women get together with guys who will "take care of them" and move waaay off the bus line or public transit area. Unfortunately, it is often done deliberately by the men, to control and dominate them.

    I have a good friend who is basically in a cage, because her husband bought a house way out in the middle of nowhere, off all public transit. Even cabs won't go there. It's awful.

    Thanks for clarifying, I was very confused.

    Yeah, I only see 2 Biblical options:
    Move out and look into adopting.
    Move out and look into single parenting.

    You never know, my Dad met his wife, my adoptive mother, at a Parents without Partners meeting.

    You might ask around and see if someone would be willing to give her a ride to church. I have often told my husband, I think any Biblical church would have rides available for people who can't get there otherwise.

    My Dad used to give "The blind lady" rides every Sunday.

    Amusingly enough, years later I married a man who's blind.

    " I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism." March 6, 2010

    Isaiah 6:8 I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “ Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?”

    Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

    Matthew 22:9 NIV
    'So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’


    I'm praying for you daily!
    I get my Bibles here

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by iSong6:3 View Post
    First, so-blessed, here's a big hug for you.

    I don't believe that compounding her sin by marrying an unbeliever will make things better for anyone, probably the child most of all. There are reasons why God says not to do that.

    I think if she ever hopes to be a good witness to her boyfriend, she needs to break things off with him and move out with the baby. Then he may see that she is serious about her faith now and that maybe he should take her words seriously too. To stay with him is to further damage her integrity and witness to fear God and obey Him.
    Good advise.

  10. #10
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    The bible does say that a man should marry a woman if he gets her pregnant.

    However, it says that that doesn't apply if the woman is already engaged...so I assume it also wouldn't apply if the woman was already married (even divorced), but I don't know. Plus, the bible also says not to marry after you are divorced (unless your husband/wife cheated on you sexually) and not to marry a non-believer.

    With that being said, in her situation, I'd say that they shouldn't get married...but definitely tell her to keep praying about it and to stop living with him until any other decisions are made. I will be praying for everyone involved.

  11. #11
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    Thank you all so much. It's so good that the Word of God is not compromised here, so rare these days. That's why we appreciate RR so much.
    She lives about 20 miles from the fellowship, so they don't do lifts to where she is. I replied last in a hurry and should have said she can drive but he won't insure her on his car (pretty much the same really).
    Today they came over so we could give their daughter her Christmas presents and he was encouraging our daughter to row with her cousin who also came over. We were explaining what the bible says about such things, and he was really surprised that it covered subjects like that. So we shared and talked for quite some time about the subject. He listened and we are really praying for his salvation.
    We know God is so gracious and He will bring her through, it's just hard to "let go" and allow her to seek God rather than rely on us!
    Bless you all again, wishing all here at RR-BB a blessed and peaceful Christmas.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Genesis22 View Post
    The bible does say that a man should marry a woman if he gets her pregnant.
    Hi Gen, it says that in the OT, it's not a law for believers in Jesus. It's better for a woman to be alone than marry an unbeliever. In fact, marrying an unbeliever is forbidden.

    (Can you imagine, some women would have to marry their rapists? )
    "...earnestly contend for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints." Jude 1:3b


    Jesus + something = nothing

    Jesus + nothing = Everything

  13. #13
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    Agreed.

    Based on my own experiences, what basically happens to a woman who marries/shacks up with an unbeliever: You have to choose your "master".

    It it Jesus? Because that will mean some choices that will not be popular with the man. Most likely, you will be single from that point forward. I get a lot of grief from my BELIEVING husband, about my faith - the time I spend in Bible study, etc. He says God doesn't "deserve" my worship, etc. He complains to me, about things he feels God has "done to him". And he's saved! I often feel stuck between God and my husband, and choose to please God. It causes me grief at times.

    Is it the man? Because that means you just told Jesus off, and now the man is your "boss".

    Christ set up marriage so the man is the "head of household". We are, men and women, wired that way. So, an unbelieving man as head of household means Jesus is not welcome.

    It also means the man will eventually realize you sold out your faith to please him; and he will lose respect for you (my own experience).

    God can save anyone He chooses, but I really have to say living separate is a good idea for now.

    I can really see why Paul said it's better for a believer to live a single life, if possible.

    " I have had an increasing burden to engage in some down and dirty, street evangelism." March 6, 2010

    Isaiah 6:8 I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “ Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?”

    Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

    Matthew 22:9 NIV
    'So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’


    I'm praying for you daily!
    I get my Bibles here

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by so-blessed View Post
    Thank you all so much. It's so good that the Word of God is not compromised here, so rare these days. That's why we appreciate RR so much.
    She lives about 20 miles from the fellowship, so they don't do lifts to where she is. I replied last in a hurry and should have said she can drive but he won't insure her on his car (pretty much the same really).
    Today they came over so we could give their daughter her Christmas presents and he was encouraging our daughter to row with her cousin who also came over. We were explaining what the bible says about such things, and he was really surprised that it covered subjects like that. So we shared and talked for quite some time about the subject. He listened and we are really praying for his salvation.
    We know God is so gracious and He will bring her through, it's just hard to "let go" and allow her to seek God rather than rely on us!
    Bless you all again, wishing all here at RR-BB a blessed and peaceful Christmas.
    Awesome! Heavenly Father, I pray that you will continue to burden and convict this young man in regard to what Scripture has to say and can give answers of truth to all things! Amen, so encouraged by this. Lord, soften his heart and fill any voids that remain with your love, peace, joy, strength, comfort, etc. I pray you would bless this family with the faith of this young man, their daughter - that their home may be filled with an abundance of joy and blessing! Lord, too that this young man and their daughter and the family as a whole can be witnesses and testimony to your love and goodness! Amen!

    Much love to you, "so-blessed" - God bless you and yours today and each day!

    There may be setbacks and delays, don't give up hope! Adding you to my updated prayer list!!!

  15. #15
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    Thank you thank you thank you!! You are such a wonderful family.
    isong: I'd be really interested in a thread about Jacob Prasch, some of our rather legalistic family listen to him alot - we don't . I'll pop off and post in the apostacy section. Blessings to you all

  16. #16
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    Hands off from marrying an unbeliever!!!

    I did it many years ago, for just this reason, our child.

    The unbelieving spouse throws a huge monkey wrench into the believers faith and family life does not go that well.

    I experience it the hard way and my father-in-law (the devil) has my husband under his thumb.


    Quote Originally Posted by Acts5:41 View Post
    I do know that marriage "So the baby can have both parents" is a terrible idea. Plenty of people can tell you about their horribly painful, unequally yoked marriages.
    Quote Originally Posted by JackieJ2 View Post
    Well, two wrongs won't make a right.
    Quote Originally Posted by iSong6:3 View Post
    I think if she ever hopes to be a good witness to her boyfriend, she needs to break things off with him and move out with the baby. Then he may see that she is serious about her faith now and that maybe he should take her words seriously too. To stay with him is to further damage her integrity and witness to fear God and obey Him.
    Quote Originally Posted by so-blessed View Post
    Thank you all so much. It's so good that the Word of God is not compromised here, so rare these days. That's why we appreciate RR so much.


    A lot of very wise advise here!

  17. #17
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    This must be very hard for you to go through with your daughter. I got pregnant by an unbeliever in high school, was forced to marry him (by my father) even though he didn't want to marry me. He was an abuser and we divorced and I am still paying consequences for my sin of premarital sex. For sure I would say do not marry him unless he truly gets saved it will only make it worse. What's done is done, hopefully she will seek God and move on and pray for the father to get saved but I would never advise marrying a non believer even with a child involved.

    The real innocent victim in my case is my son. I love him so much and feel horrible for what my sin has done in his life.

  18. #18
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    Thank you all again. I think this will be a long haul. I don't know how it will end, yet. I am going to show her this thread, but not just yet. She's suffering with alot of anxiety attacks at the moment, and is off work as a result. This has led to money worries and I can see this is the start of God's discapline. I know she won't do anything while she's in this state and I don't want to add her anxiety, but she needs to know how serious her circumstances are. I can't make her do anything, and neither would I want to. We just pray that God, in His infinate wisdom, will intervene.

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