Need advice on my daughter

[forgiveness heals]

my daughter is experiencing horrible depression and anxiety and we are in counseling - she does not want to go and is not working well with the doctor. she is 13 and experienced a couple of bad trauma's last year that she internalized and is now hurting herself. (Yes, her pediatrician and children's services are aware also). She lost a half sister, and was coaxed into a car by a couple of boys the last day of school - when she was 12. I just found out. (yes, it was reported and the police are involved). I'm very scared for her and don't have a support circle as we don't mingle much at church, and we live alone together. I want her psychologist to move her to the psychiatrist in their office so they can prescribe meds, but my daughter is adament she won't take them. How do I move this in the right direction?

[Kliska]

my daughter is experiencing horrible depression and anxiety and we are in counseling - she does not want to go and is not working well with the doctor. she is 13 and experienced a couple of bad trauma's last year that she internalized and is now hurting herself. (Yes, her pediatrician and children's services are aware also). She lost a half sister, and was coaxed into a car by a couple of boys the last day of school - when she was 12. I just found out. (yes, it was reported and the police are involved). I'm very scared for her and don't have a support circle as we don't mingle much at church, and we live alone together. I want her psychologist to move her to the psychiatrist in their office so they can prescribe meds, but my daughter is adament she won't take them. How do I move this in the right direction?

Members aren't allowed to dispense any type of medical advice, but everyone will pray! What came to my mind is, "why" does she not want to go? She may do better with a different psychologist. If the psychologist is male, a female may work better, or vice versa, or it may be a matter of style of therapy, or she may just not "click" with that particular psychologist (just to point out, notice no one is at fault if they don't click, sometimes that just happens). Also, is there any therapy group of her age that she may be able to join, or an art therapy group, etc...? Just FYI, at her age you would have to be extraordinarily careful with any meds, not that it isn't an option, but it would be something that would have to be watched like a hawk, plus if she is given meds and is non-compliant, that is an issue as well.

It is a time to make sure you guys are praying together, or doing Bible study, etc... if she is willing to do that with you. Also any type of groups at church that you guys could be a part of together would be good too... However, always let your daughter pace everything in a healthy manner; if she is/was shy to begin with, group settings may not be comfortable for her.

[JoyJoyJoy]

I have known several teens who needed councling and none of them went willingly.

[Mrsppmrxky]

As advised above, you daughter might need a different doctor. Will she respond to any questions you have as to how she likes or dislikes this one doctor?

If she suffered any type of abuse, it is going to take a long time. I would be an observer, tell her you are there 24/7 if she wants to talk even if you are asleep. Watch movies, play games, talk about everything that she is interested in, ask questions about different things and ask her advice/opinion. Having had to live through some of this with one of my kids, I do not envy you at all. Prayer! Love! Prayer!!! Time!!! Prayer!!! Bible Studies you can attend together or do together at home. Did I mention Prayer?


((((hugs from one mom to another mom)))

Just be prepared that during sessions and possible flashbacks, it will difficult waters to walk through, it might get worse before it gets better and mood swings are pretty normal in the healing process.

[forgiveness heals]

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs. I am so at a loss here, all I can do is my daily routine. Now I can't trust her to get off the bus at home, I can't trust anything she tells me, and I feel like I have to watch her and listen to every move she makes in the bathroom, bedroom, anything. This was a bouncy, colorful, clothes, shopping and fashion loving, healthy child not too long ago. No history of sadness or depression. Involved in everything including jazz band, robotics, academic challenge, Singing Angels. Near straight A's without much homework. Just finished geometry two grades higher than her grade. Never threw temper tantrums, no disruptive behavior. There's no one at my church to help her - the pastor is too busy. Looks like it's all in my lap.

Also, I need prayer as to forgiving the boys and discerning what to say when the prosecutor talks to me about their possible sentence. How much of their life do I take away? Both boys are Juniors now. I'm sure their parents are devastated also and blaming me and my daughter.

I will reconsider the meds.

[sunshine2777]

I would do everything in my power to keep her in counseling. Change dr's if you can to see if that helps. I would think a woman would be the best over a man. When you change, then maybe go to a pscyhiatrist (female) at point to get started. You really need a christian one but those are hard to find. Maybe go in w/ her and get counseling "with" her. My dd wouldn't go after she she was attacked, so I went and took her with me.

Also, does she do artwork? This can be used as an outlet for her emotions without her even knowing it.

Maybe get her a puppy? Sounds trite but there is really some sound reasoning behind that suggestion.

Go to a bible study weekly with her. She doesnt have to talk, just listen. One where there are only women and maybe some teens. ?

Contact the rape crisis center and get more info on what you can do to help her.

She just got really whammied at a really rough age. It's going to take a while. She's may never be the same, but thats ok too. Read up on books and articles so you can know of ways to help her and encourage her. And of course, keep Jesus at the forefront. Is she saved? Tell her to talk to Jesus. He knows what happened and He will do the ultimate healing of her if she will let Him.

ps. as the mom, counseling wont hurt you either in processing what happened. {mod snip}

[Kliska]

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs. I am so at a loss here, all I can do is my daily routine. Now I can't trust her to get off the bus at home, I can't trust anything she tells me, and I feel like I have to watch her and listen to every move she makes in the bathroom, bedroom, anything. This was a bouncy, colorful, clothes, shopping and fashion loving, healthy child not too long ago. No history of sadness or depression. Involved in everything including jazz band, robotics, academic challenge, Singing Angels. Near straight A's without much homework. Just finished geometry two grades higher than her grade. Never threw temper tantrums, no disruptive behavior. There's no one at my church to help her - the pastor is too busy. Looks like it's all in my lap.

Things to keep in mind; it's been a relatively short amount of time, and it will take a long time to work on this. Also, your daughter sounds like she had a really strong base, which means it should be easier for her to adapt, as she had a good pattern prior to this. Hang in there!

I will reconsider the meds.

Again, this is something to discuss with her psychologist, doctor, and psychiatrist. I would recommend you do a little research on the net for yourself as well.

[Cindy S.]

Thank you all for the prayers and hugs. I am so at a loss here, all I can do is my daily routine. Now I can't trust her to get off the bus at home, I can't trust anything she tells me, and I feel like I have to watch her and listen to every move she makes in the bathroom, bedroom, anything. This was a bouncy, colorful, clothes, shopping and fashion loving, healthy child not too long ago. No history of sadness or depression. Involved in everything including jazz band, robotics, academic challenge, Singing Angels. Near straight A's without much homework. Just finished geometry two grades higher than her grade. Never threw temper tantrums, no disruptive behavior. There's no one at my church to help her - the pastor is too busy. Looks like it's all in my lap.

Also, I need prayer as to forgiving the boys and discerning what to say when the prosecutor talks to me about their possible sentence. How much of their life do I take away? Both boys are Juniors now. I'm sure their parents are devastated also and blaming me and my daughter.

I will reconsider the meds.

Ask her if she's going to let the devil take away her joy?
Let her know it's a spiritual attack and to lean on Jesus.
I had a near assault when I was her age, too.
As far as forgiving the boys, the same devil is trying to destroy them too.

As the bible says, we don't war against the flesh but: Eph 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

[Lynn]

I am so sorry to hear of this serious trauma in your daughter's life. You say that in several ways you can't trust her any longer, does she have 'any' adult with whom she still relates? Grandparents, maybe? She has got to open up and talk about it with someone. She is probably feeling an overwhelming sense of shame and worthlessness.
Have you considered other educational settings for her, such as home schooling and maybe a different church at some point where she can begin anew with different young people?
I know that a move for the two of you might be out of the question, but if not, you might consider it, especially if there is a Christian school in the new location.
Don't mean to over step here, but I'm just giving my opinion out of love and concern for both her and you, like everyone else.
Please keep us posted, as all of us really do care.

[Acts5:41]

Well, I see 2 issues:

Getting her therapy for the trauma.

Getting her medication to help her recover.


For the first, I would call the women's center. Ask if they have a survivor's group. Get her in there. She might be able to relate better to other women who have had similar struggles. She may not feel as if she can relate to her therapist.

For the second, I would contact the psychiatrist in the practice, and say "I would like you to evaluate my daughter for possible medication". My Doc deals with trauma victims all the time, good stuff is out there. He keeps them on it for a while, and then tapers them off. She may only need something short-term.

If I had a daughter in trouble, I would do both.

I thought you might appreciate my perspective. I have a lot of darkness in my life without medication.

[Hope in Him]

Well, I see 2 issues:

Getting her therapy for the trauma.

Getting her medication to help her recover.


For the first, I would call the women's center. Ask if they have a survivor's group. Get her in there. She might be able to relate better to other women who have had similar struggles. She may not feel as if she can relate to her therapist.

For the second, I would contact the psychiatrist in the practice, and say "I would like you to evaluate my daughter for possible medication". My Doc deals with trauma victims all the time, good stuff is out there. He keeps them on it for a while, and then tapers them off. She may only need something short-term.

If I had a daughter in trouble, I would do both.

I thought you might appreciate my perspective. I have a lot of darkness in my life without medication.

What ACT's said is good advice....having raised a daughter who went through similar trauma at age 13.....I was in so over my head. She was resistant to therapy as well. And I have to say that the therapy I forced her into seemed to do more harm than good. (She actually was such a good little actress, she convinced every therapist that she was fine and was doing great and I was the crazy person. And she was NOT fine.) I never thought of a women's survivor group. It actually might have worked. At least it is worth a try. This is what I know from my experience....your daughter wants you to treat her as normally as possible probably. If I could have relaxed a little bit, it might have been helpful. Get some help for yourself....having a child that has been hurt is overwhelming especially if you do not have a good support system (and I did not). It sounds like you do not either. It is hard to deal with their feelings and your feelings all at the same time. It is well worth it to have someone that you can talk to.....I spent the better part of the 2 years kind of crazed myself after all this. My daughter is nearly 23 now and is doing well for the most part. It was a rough road and there were times I felt like I was hopeless....it was like part of me was shattered when my daughter was hurt. Pray, pray and pray some more...one verse that helped me because I struggled with praying (I had a lot of anger issues myself) is the verse that talks about the spirit intercedes for us by moanings. I don't have a bible handy right now to look that one up. I had faith the Lord could take my tears and turn them into prayers on behalf of my daughter. My second favorite was from Job....don't know the chapter or verse but it is basically...Yet tho he slay me, I will trust in him. (this is where I got the name Hope in Him.) Having lived through this I am telling you, it didn't just happen to your daughter...it happened to you as well. It will be harder for her to get better if you are not able to find your way through this. It does get better...and it does take time. I didn't think it would ever get better. My daughter and I both had a lot of anger....part of mine was with God. I had always heard of people who got angry with the Lord and I would think to myself...that is just wrong. How could anyone be angry with God? Yet, when this happened part of my mind was God could have stopped and he choose not to. I also knew the only way we were going to get through it was with God's help. I know the only way we survived was because of the Lord. Our situation was pretty bad and I know that the time it took to heal was because the Lord had to rebuild us both from the scraps that were left. I no longer question God on why he allowed this into our lives. I am more accepting that on this side of heaven I will never know that answer. I wish I didn't know the pain you both are in...but I do. I wish truly that we were in heaven and no one would ever have to go through this experience again. If there is ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. I am so sorry that you are having to walk this road. I will remember you both in my prayers.

[Acts5:41]

((((hugs Hope)))

When I was in the hospital for depression, at age 13, they had a support group for female survivors of sexual abuse. I'm sure they women's center has a similar group.

[Hope in Him]

((((hugs Hope)))

When I was in the hospital for depression, at age 13, they had a support group for female survivors of sexual abuse. I'm sure they women's center has a similar group.

Acts, you are such a kind person!! I believe somewhere you have stated you had a pretty horrific childhood! I praise God that in spite of all that he has given you such a sweet spirit and a heart for those that are hurting! It has been 10 years since all this happened to us. God has done the work and I praise him for bringing us through. I thought that we would never be the same...we aren't but we are alright now. These types of things are just difficult to deal with. I am so blessed that we knew the Lord and he was faithful and carried us through. Someday maybe my dd will want to talk to someone besides me....and I now have your suggestion to offer her. I appreciate that so much.

Lynn, I am still praying for you and your dear child. My heart cries out for you both. I pray that the Lord will bring you a peace and healing as well as your daughter.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Well, I see 2 issues:

Getting her therapy for the trauma.

Getting her medication to help her recover.


For the first, I would call the women's center. Ask if they have a survivor's group. Get her in there. She might be able to relate better to other women who have had similar struggles. She may not feel as if she can relate to her therapist.

For the second, I would contact the psychiatrist in the practice, and say "I would like you to evaluate my daughter for possible medication". My Doc deals with trauma victims all the time, good stuff is out there. He keeps them on it for a while, and then tapers them off. She may only need something short-term.

If I had a daughter in trouble, I would do both.

I thought you might appreciate my perspective. I have a lot of darkness in my life without medication.

IMO, this is great advice. Praying for the OP's daughter.

[RoyalNChrist]

Hello there.
I am a young lady who dealt with similar issues since I was 6. The best thing I wanna say is: doctor "shop". Many people don't realize that not just any psych doctor will do. When it comes to mental issues, it is very important to find a psychiatrist and psychologist that fit your (or in this case your daughter's) personality. It can take awhile and your daughter also has to be wiling to give the doctor I good chance to get to know her. It took me awhile to find the best fit for me; it took a few doctors. If she isn't warming up to the doctor's personality after a a handful of visits, it might be time to try another one. I was even younger than her when I began seeing a therapist. I always had this impression they didn't believe me or understand, because of my young age. As I matured (late teens), I finally found a doctor I could consider a friend after sometime seeing her. Also, I warmed up to therapy.

Lastly, a support group can fill in places a doctor often can't, especially for the younger who may have the impressions I had.

This is just an brief overview of a few things I "wished my mom and I knew" when I was going through the similar motions. It won't be easy and there's journey ahead. I'm praying you and your daughter stay close to one another and God in a conflict like this.

[prairiedog]

Also, I need prayer as to forgiving the boys and discerning what to say when the prosecutor talks to me about their possible sentence. How much of their life do I take away?

As much as possible. They are sexual predators and will not stop with just your daughter.


I'm sure their parents are devastated also and blaming me and my daughter.

So what if the parents blame you & your daughter. Other people will recognize that this resulted from their poor parenting, not yours.

[prairiedog]

[QUOTE=forgiveness heals;2229167]..., and was coaxed into a car by a couple of boys the last day of school - when she was 12. I just found out. (yes, it was reported and the police are involved)./QUOTE]

I Pm'd you.

[prairiedog]

I'm sure their parents are devastated also and blaming me and my daughter.

Judging by the age of your daughter when these thugs committed their crime, no one in their right mind will listen to these parents...especially a jury.

I am unaware of any state where 12 is the age of consent. She did not ask for what happened to her.

[Acts5:41]

NO, she didn't, but it is very common for the parents of the perpetrators to blame the victim.

We have an awful case near Houston, a girl was - harmed by a group of boys. Even the boys' attorneys are blaming the victim.

That's why, in my opinion, you really need to get her involved with the Women's Center, or a rape survivors group. I'm sure you can find it in the phone book.

Medication will also be really useful.

She may not be bonding with the therapist because she feels he can't relate. The Women's Center uses therapists who understand, and peer counselors who've actually been harmed themselves.