I love her but need advice....

[Shannon9602]

I have a dear friend I love and cherish but I no longer like to talk to her much these days. We were really good friend during my last 3 years in high school but once high school was over we separated our own ways. She went on to a community college in New Jersey where she resides and I went on to college in Washington, DC
We have kept in touch through the years. Ever since Facebook she has constantly called me. I don't mind talking to her but I do mind that she calls once or twice a week. She is still in New Jersey while I moved back to Kentucky. We are still far apart but technology has enabled us to stay in touch at no cost. I don't mind talking to her but after talking to her once or maybe twice, I really don't have much to say. When I ignore her calls, I can see she calls 6 or 7 times, like today... 7 times!!! I feel like I "have" to call her when she calls that many time and I don't want to feel like I 'have' to call her. And when I do call her back, she has nothing to say!!! I really wanted to sarcastically asked her if there is something wrong since she called so many times. But I refuse to. Im going to be nice because that is the Christian thing to do.

I remember back in high school she was an atheist and was very open about it. I remember when I try to talk to her about God, she claims there is no God and the Bible is just a fairy tale. I remember there was no getting through to her head. She was adopted and was raised catholic. Her adopted mom is an italian catholic and her adopted father is an orthodox Catholic, his families are from Aremenia... I cant remember the religion name cuz my mind is blocked right now. She is American Indian... not the Native Indian, but she knows her real father is from India. Anyways, I remember her being very judgmental back in the days and it appears she is still that way. There is something else that kinda bothers me so Im not sure if this could be the reason I unconciously do not want to talk to her. She is not married and has a 4 year child by a man who is not an American Citizen. He is a black man from Africa, an area where is predominately muslims. He is going to school to finish up his degree in IT and about once or twice a month he goes to New Jersey City, an area outisde of NYC to do some work. He stays with a friend there and she never has seen where he stays when he goes. When he goes to NJC, he stays for a week. He just bought a house. And... she tells me they refuse to get married because it has something to do with homeland security. She said they are being watch by Homeland Security. I think this is all very suspicious. I didn't ask and am afraid to ask how did he buy a house? Where did the money come from? How is he getting funds for his education? Who are the people he works for? And... what is his religious? Does he beleive in God/Jesus? I get the vibe she is still an atheist or probably beleives in other religious besides Christianity. It seems like not long ago when I called her back one day, she asked me where I was. I told her I went to church and she looked like she made a face. I would love to try and talk to her once again but I get the feeling it would do not good. Like she is just admantly not ripe for it. I am just not good at getting someone to understand their need to have Jesus as their personal savior.

Another thing, with the Trayvon Martin case that is going around, Im pretty sure she will ask me about what I think. I will tell her but I know she will not like what I hear. She loves to talk about politic and I am afraid to even ask her about Obama. I get the feeling she is a strong Obama supporter based on what she said on her facebook. Did I tell you that she is judgemental? I somewhat feel like I have to be careful what I say or otherwise it will spark an argument. Like I said, I love her and cherish her. It just that our views are different.

Plus she has adopted a son she doesn't seem to treat well. Based on what how I seen her talk to him on my relay phone, she talked awful to him. And has told me several times that he has ruined something of hers and that she will make either his father or him pay for it. She is receiving child support on him and he does not live with her. You know my kids ruined alot of my things but I never made them pay for it. Yes I punished them for it, but not make them pay money for it. The situation with her ex husband and her adopted son sounds very screwed up.

I don't know my exact reason why I am avoiding her, I guess its many things. Love her but I need to do something.
She doesn't need to call me this often, I don't mind if its once a month or once every two months. But once or twice a week and if I don't answer she calls like 7 times straight????

Isn't this a little too much? Am I overreacting?

Advice please?

[Acts5:41]

A lot of issues.

1. Sounds like she is lonely. I would encourage her to join a book club or something. A playgroup for the kids.
2. Set boundaries. Say "I can only talk to you for half an hour, Tuesday nights."
3 Pray for her. Challenge her to read the Bible. But leave it there. Arguing is pointless.
4. If you are really worried about the boyfriend, call homeland security. However, a lot of very nice, hardworking, Christian men immigrate from Africa. Just because he comes from a "Muslim area" doesn't mean he is a devout muslim. He may very well have no religious viewpoint or be a Christian. I have met many African immigrant men, working as cab drivers, who had a beautiful faith in Jesus. IMO, you don't have enough to form an opinion one way or the other.
5. You don't have to say anything about the Trayvon issue. Just say "I don't know enough to form an opinion" or "There are a lot of stories going around about what happened".
6. If someone has given her control of their child, that's their business. Unless you see her beating him, there's nothing you can do about that.

I had a thought the minute I read you were in school together: I bet they have grown in different directions.

I think you two have just grown in separate directions. It's up to you to decide if you want to keep the door to communication open.

[Robinbobbin]

I'm with Acts - sounds like she is very lonely.

In your shoes, and I've been there, I pick up and talk when its convenient but I do not answer when its not convenient to me or when I don't feel like talking. Period. Call screening is a wonderful thing.

About her atheism - be yourself. Completely yourself. If she has an issue with your Christian beliefs, those are her issues. Not yours. Don't hold them back or hesitate to tell her how you feel about them just because you think you know how she's going to react. For instance - if your life is the only one she knows thats pulled together and not a train wreck, and you're a Christian, that's a huge Christian witness right there.

About the boyfriend - I'd pry. But that's just me. I'd ask those questions. Not judgementally, but so you are armed with well thought out answers when you find out whatever goes down down the road and can hopefully help guide her over the hump.

Her adopted son - I'd call her on it. Period. If she doesn't like it, she can stop calling you. It's wrong to treat a child poorly just because you're angry at them. My kids have ruined a ton of stuff, but that's life. You have a child in your life, its going to happen at some point. Heck, my husband has ruined a ton of my stuff (he's laundry dysfunctional) - that's life. It happens. It's just stuff.

But, when push comes to shove, if you are just done and ready to close the door on this friendship, allow yourself to drift apart. Tell her flat out that you only have time to talk once per week or once every couple of weeks or whatever. Or, that you really don't have time to talk right now when she calls. You do not have to justify your decision. I've done that with a couple of people and life was better for it. Some people are not meant to be in our lives forever, but facebook has blurred that boundary for a lot of people. You can choose to reestablish that boundary if you wish. But, its up to you.

[angelka71]

Agree with the others in setting limits, but maybe God has put her in your life right now. What else could it possibly be? I would absolutely commit this matter to prayer, ask God to soften her heart and begin speaking to her about Him. Remember, you could be the ONLY Christian she knows and the only example of Christ that is in her life right now. She sounds very lonely and needy...what an amazing witness for a Christian to be the one who is there for her right now. It might just make an impression that will last for the rest of her life and she could even turn to Christ!

Or...talking about Jesus could always have the opposite effect and she may stop calling altogether. Either way, I wouldn't be shy about it. I'd take it that God has put her in your path to learn about Him.

[Jlutz]

From now on when she calls, refuse to speak in any language but Klingon. Problem solved

[Shannon9602]

Agree with the others in setting limits, but maybe God has put her in your life right now. What else could it possibly be? I would absolutely commit this matter to prayer, ask God to soften her heart and begin speaking to her about Him. Remember, you could be the ONLY Christian she knows and the only example of Christ that is in her life right now. She sounds very lonely and needy...what an amazing witness for a Christian to be the one who is there for her right now. It might just make an impression that will last for the rest of her life and she could even turn to Christ!

Or...talking about Jesus could always have the opposite effect and she may stop calling altogether. Either way, I wouldn't be shy about it. I'd take it that God has put her in your path to learn about Him.

That has crossed my mind. My problem is I just don't know how to bring it up and how to refute her claims against the Bible and Jesus. She seems to have the answer for everything.

Please forgive my grammatical errors. I just reread what I said. There's a lot on my mind and Im just trying to put it all on this post.

[Robinbobbin]

That has crossed my mind. My problem is I just don't know how to bring it up and how to refute her claims against the Bible and Jesus. She seems to have the answer for everything.

.

One thing I've found can work sometimes - just let her talk. Remain silent after she finishes and she'll talk some more. Remain silent - she'll talk some more. You might discover the root of her issue with Christianity and then you'll know what direction to take.

But, I've found one thing that has worked beautifully - "I try to be respectful towards you and your lack of belief, so please do not be disrespectful towards me and my belief in my Christ." If she pressures you, just say that it comes down to Faith and you have faith that your belief in Christ and the veracity of the Bible.

Until you know exactly what her issue with Christ is (assuming she's hostile) you're not going to change her opinion. Only God can change her heart, but you can make sure you don't have to listen to her disrespect.