Parental Guilt Trips

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Hello,

I can relate well to what you are feeling. I have a mother who can do/say anything she pleases, whether it is hurtful or not, but woe to me if I dare speak a negative word (truth) in return. It is a difficult situation and one that I still struggle with at times, and we have several (hundred) miles between us. I wish I had sound advice to offer, but we all approach similar situations differently...and I'm still searching myself. The last time I offended her, (not intentionally) she didn't speak to me for 5 months. There are so many instances I could list of her displeasure with me, but I won't bog down your post with them.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone ...and 'ers never hurt...Take Care

Thanks for the encouragement. Your description sounds like my Dad. My Mom says hurtful things when she is in disagreement w/ me.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Break free for your own sanity.
Don't feel guilty, you can pm me when it gets bad.
My dad even admitted that he pulls strings on people.
And hateful! He won't forgive people that are in the grave.
He brings up the past over and over and over.....
For the sake of your kids, don't put up with parental abuse.

And hateful! He won't forgive people that are in the grave.
He brings up the past over and over and over.....

The part I bolded (I think it is in bold.) is exactly like my Dad. He is very hateful. Of course, to the neighbors and outside world, he is very much Mr. Nice Guy, very agreeable to anything said. The second they leave, or however the conversation ends, if my dad is in a bad mood, then he will immediately put on the silent treatment to my Mom and/or me, for NO REASON 99.9% of the time. It is just so frustrating. Growing up, if I did something one way one day, it would be ok, but the very next day if I didthat same day, he would yell at me over it. I would be like, well, it was ok yeaterday, why isn't it today. His answer was (still is to a degree) I don't need a (fill in the age) questioning me, backtalking me, or telling me what is right/wrong or what to do.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

This is my mother, she refuses to forgive my father for hurts/mistakes he made in their marriage. It is so bad that she told me she will sell her cemetery plot, next to my dad, and be buried elsewhere.

My Dad suffers horribly w/ forgiveness. He is extremely bitter and non-forgiving of ANYONE he 'thinks' wronged him.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

First, read the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Second, when you got married you left your parents to cleave to your spouse. You can not be both his wife and your parents' "little girl" because they are trying to keep you their "little girl". They will control you for the rest of your life if you let them. Speaking from experience (FIL is like your parents), this WILL destroy your marriage like cancer destroys the body.

Third, if you are comfortable with it, get into counseling with a Christian therapist. Your insurance will likely pay for it. You need to learn how to put up boundaries with your parents and re-write the relationship. A qualified marriage and family therapist will be able to help you learn to establish those boundaries and will help you talk through the situations as they arise. The fact that your parents tried to get between you and your husband's desire to establish your own family, assuming you two are supporting yourselves and not relying upon them to support you, is ridiculous.

Your parents are not going to change until you force them to change. Manipulation and emotional abuse works for them - they get what they want by doing so. It's up to you to force the relationship to change, and a marriage and family therapist (particularly from a Christian therapist) will be able to help you negotiate this tight-rope walk.

Thank you (and everyone else) for recommending Boundaries. I just called the local library and they have three copies, all of which are out right now but I placed a hold on it.

When I first got married, back in 1999, I lived right beside my parents on their property. I did pay all the taxes on the property while I lived there, which was about 6 1/2 years. My then-husband and i put a double-wide on the property. At the time, I felt like my parents were 'helping' us. However, looking back, I truly think it was just their way (whether they intended it to be or not) of keeping me close to them. So, even though I got married, I was STILL within a football field away from them. I said in my original post that I had been through a lot. Well, one of those things was a terrible (very emotion and devasting) divorce. The ex cheated on me multiple times with numerous women and girls. I say girls because he was intimately involved with girls as young as 15 years old, maybe even younger. I had no idea about any of this. To go back a little further, when i got pregnant, I was basically date raped. I NEVER told my parents, nor anyone else, until last year. I had been in love with this guy (whom was my boyfriend for six months in middle) for awhile. i hadn't seen him in forever. He appeared at my parents' house one day and we got reacquainted with one another. He asked me to come over to his grandma's house later that week, so I agreed. It was during the day, and I assumed (since she is retired) that she would be home. Well, the second I walked in to that house, he immediately went over to me, didn't say hi or anything but he pulled down my pants and I said what are you doing. He looked straight at me with the most intense look I'd ever seen in my life, and said 'nothing'. He gently (if that is possible) pulled me to the floor and you know. I told him repeatedly that I did not come over there to do THAT, and that I was not on the pill, to get off of me immediately, I told him to stop, etc. Yeah, well that didn't work. Of course, you know how parents always say that you can get pregnant with just one time. That saying sure rang true with me. Well, I didn't talk to him for a couple of months. I was very upset, hurt, angry, confused. I didn't understood why he did that to me. Once I found out I was pregnant, I called him and told him. I said that my parents were going to be furious. (Oh, and by the way, if anyone os thinking anything about what I wore, I had on jeans and a t-shirt, with a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt overtop, so I was not dressed provocatively at all. I did not ask for it, either. It was in the middle of a day, and not at some place I shouldn't have been.) You have to understand. I was 19 years old at the time, not on the pill, and I did not want to get pregnant! Also I truly thought this person loved me and he did that because he loved me, even though he knew I didn't want to do that. I did not tell my parents. First of all, 1., I knew I would never be able to see him again, 2., my Dad would have ended up in jail, and 3., I did NOT want anyone to know what happened to me. So, my solution to these problems...hmmm, get married to him!!! Nice, huh! Well, it turns out that he must have some addiction to that sort of thing. I later found out that he got his high school girlfriend pregnant and her parents made her get an abortion. Anyway, I think you get the point. When I finally did tell my parents, in writing, exactly why I made the decisions that I did...because you cannot get pregnant outside of marriage, what will the neighbors think, etc., my Mom's reaction was simply, "Well, I am not surprised." and that is exactly what she said to me. My Dad said I just can't believe you didn't tell us this, and of course, he was mad at me. With that all being said, I think they feel like they HAVE to protect me. I AM remarried. Now, here is the kicker...my parents do not know! My Mom knows that we have been together for a few years, but my Dad has no idea I am even in an relationship, let alone, married. He has told me multiple times, that I had better never get involved with another man and that he didn't care who it was, and that if I did, I could he would be 'done' with me. Like I said, he disowned two of his sisters, so this is a very real threat. My husband is a wonderful person, and has treated me wonderfully. My Dad told me that he had better be dead before I ever get in another relationship. I have explained to him that I am biblically divorced. He doesn't care about that. He and my Mom both just say that THEY have just been put through so much stuff by me. I never gave them trouble, I never drank, smoke, did drugs, etc. I was always a great student, was involved with school activities. I have considered going to seek counseling...I actually did seek counseling from my former preacher. I left out a lot though, including how I got pregnant and a lot of other things. I would someday like to try again, but it costs $ and time, neither of which I have a lot of.

Sorry for any typos...in a hurry to type, as usual...

[Cindy S.]

Thank you (and everyone else) for recommending Boundaries. I just called the local library and they have three copies, all of which are out right now but I placed a hold on it.

When I first got married, back in 1999, I lived right beside my parents on their property. I did pay all the taxes on the property while I lived there, which was about 6 1/2 years. My then-husband and i put a double-wide on the property. At the time, I felt like my parents were 'helping' us. However, looking back, I truly think it was just their way (whether they intended it to be or not) of keeping me close to them. So, even though I got married, I was STILL within a football field away from them. I said in my original post that I had been through a lot. Well, one of those things was a terrible (very emotion and devasting) divorce. The ex cheated on me multiple times with numerous women and girls. I say girls because he was intimately involved with girls as young as 15 years old, maybe even younger. I had no idea about any of this. To go back a little further, when i got pregnant, I was basically date raped. I NEVER told my parents, nor anyone else, until last year. I had been in love with this guy (whom was my boyfriend for six months in middle) for awhile. i hadn't seen him in forever. He appeared at my parents' house one day and we got reacquainted with one another. He asked me to come over to his grandma's house later that week, so I agreed. It was during the day, and I assumed (since she is retired) that she would be home. Well, the second I walked in to that house, he immediately went over to me, didn't say hi or anything but he pulled down my pants and I said what are you doing. He looked straight at me with the most intense look I'd ever seen in my life, and said 'nothing'. He gently (if that is possible) pulled me to the floor and you know. I told him repeatedly that I did not come over there to do THAT, and that I was not on the pill, to get off of me immediately, I told him to stop, etc. Yeah, well that didn't work. Of course, you know how parents always say that you can get pregnant with just one time. That saying sure rang true with me. Well, I didn't talk to him for a couple of months. I was very upset, hurt, angry, confused. I didn't understood why he did that to me. Once I found out I was pregnant, I called him and told him. I said that my parents were going to be furious. (Oh, and by the way, if anyone os thinking anything about what I wore, I had on jeans and a t-shirt, with a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt overtop, so I was not dressed provocatively at all. I did not ask for it, either. It was in the middle of a day, and not at some place I shouldn't have been.) You have to understand. I was 19 years old at the time, not on the pill, and I did not want to get pregnant! Also I truly thought this person loved me and he did that because he loved me, even though he knew I didn't want to do that. I did not tell my parents. First of all, 1., I knew I would never be able to see him again, 2., my Dad would have ended up in jail, and 3., I did NOT want anyone to know what happened to me. So, my solution to these problems...hmmm, get married to him!!! Nice, huh! Well, it turns out that he must have some addiction to that sort of thing. I later found out that he got his high school girlfriend pregnant and her parents made her get an abortion. Anyway, I think you get the point. When I finally did tell my parents, in writing, exactly why I made the decisions that I did...because you cannot get pregnant outside of marriage, what will the neighbors think, etc., my Mom's reaction was simply, "Well, I am not surprised." and that is exactly what she said to me. My Dad said I just can't believe you didn't tell us this, and of course, he was mad at me. With that all being said, I think they feel like they HAVE to protect me. I AM remarried. Now, here is the kicker...my parents do not know! My Mom knows that we have been together for a few years, but my Dad has no idea I am even in an relationship, let alone, married. He has told me multiple times, that I had better never get involved with another man and that he didn't care who it was, and that if I did, I could he would be 'done' with me. Like I said, he disowned two of his sisters, so this is a very real threat. My husband is a wonderful person, and has treated me wonderfully. My Dad told me that he had better be dead before I ever get in another relationship. I have explained to him that I am biblically divorced. He doesn't care about that. He and my Mom both just say that THEY have just been put through so much stuff by me. I never gave them trouble, I never drank, smoke, did drugs, etc. I was always a great student, was involved with school activities. I have considered going to seek counseling...I actually did seek counseling from my former preacher. I left out a lot though, including how I got pregnant and a lot of other things. I would someday like to try again, but it costs $ and time, neither of which I have a lot of.

Sorry for any typos...in a hurry to type, as usual...

So, you aren't getting any financial help from your parents?
There is no reason not to tell them you are married.
Does your son know you are married? If not, he should.
You will be helped so much from that book.
There is a section about manipulative controllers - sounds like your parents and mine.
Are you afraid your dad will disown you like he did his sisters?

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

So, you aren't getting any financial help from your parents?
There is no reason not to tell them you are married.
Does your son know you are married? If not, he should.
You will be helped so much from that book.
There is a section about manipulative controllers - sounds like your parents and mine.
Are you afraid your dad will disown you like he did his sisters?

My parents have a car loan in their name. They picked out the car, even though *I* am the one who pays for all payments, maintenance, insurance, etc. The reason being is because my ex-husband did not pay his court-ordered financial obligations and because my name was also on various loans, I got stuck paying thousands of dollars, and I have bad credit because of a 4-wheeler that got repossessed that my name was also on. By the time I had already paid a lot of $ to pay off his other debts that he was court ordered to pay (Note: He filed bankruptcy, which is why the creditors came after me.) I didn't have much left to pay for the 4-wheeler, too. I ended up making yet another bad decision. I took money out of my 401K to pay the differential amount after the bank sold the 4-wheeler, which was $3,100+. So, that is why my parents' names are on the car loan. But no, I do not rely on them financially. When I told my parents that I had accepted a job in another state, they immediately told me that they will take care of me. My Dad even offered me $5K and help to find my own place locally if I stayed.

Yes, my son knows we are married.

I am very excited to get this book. The library here has three copies and they are all checked out! That must be a popular book.

My Dad is very manipulative. He is like that very much with my Mom. Over their almost 40 year marriage, it has rubbed off on my Mom.

I am horribly terrified my dad will disown me. In fact, I am about 99.9% sure that he will because I didn't 'listen to him'.

I would also like to add that my ex-hus. has been to jail twice because of non-payment of child support, and he is currently in arrears $2,500. In the meantime, while I was going through the divorce, my now ex-boss (an atty. who later filed bankruptcy himself) decided that after almost 6 years of working for him, he didn't want to pay me anymore. He just kind of quit paying me, with the promise that he would get me my check the next day. I was dumb enough to continue working for him for three months and never received a penny. He did write one check...it bounced. We had a court date (Yes, I realize filing suit is not a Christian thing to do, but he owed me wages, and I needed that money.) but the day his house was to be sold in foreclosure, he filed bankruptcy. even though I am priority in creditors, his mortgage comes first, per my attorney. I was told that I have a 'slim to none' chance at ever receiving any money from him. That amounts to several thousand dollars.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Oh you poor thing... truly. I'm not being condescending here.

You, like others who have answered your thread (including me), are suffering from severe mental abuse. I have an abusive dad and a step-mother who admittedly hates me. My dad and I had a row almost a year ago and we still don't talk like we used to. I didn't let him get away with his tirade this time. I told him I loved him but that he was being ridiculous and it caused a rift between us that may never close. I won't go into details, but, trust me, he WAS being honestly stupid about the issue that was at hand. This is one break in our relationship that I will not bow down to. And he knows it. Neither will he. And I know it. So be it.

Your parents it seems, especially your mother, have spent your whole life centered around you. They have nothing else to fill that void. Their painful words are just their way of asserting that "centeredness" with which they held you in the past. I'm sure they love you, they just cannot cut the strings and I doubt that they ever will. Your mother's rant about your hair, like my father's words, are just an assertive tirade to attain control of you once more. The same goes for the rant when you moved away. I don't think she worships you... I think you simply took away her power to control all that you do.

You are their child. And will, no doubt, always be their "child". You will probably never be grown-up in their eyes. If they admitted that you were grown-up enough to make your decisions, they, themselves, would feel completely empty.

I'm not trying to play psychiatrist here. Basically what I'm doing is telling you is all of the things me and MY psychiatrist have discussed. It helped me to understand where my dad was coming from. Their actions to you stem directly from the actions against them when they were a child. My father was the 12th of 13 children in a country "Hatfield & McCoy" type family. He was totally ignored most of his life and usually any attention that he did receive was abusive. This set the stage for controlling but seemingly uncaring attitude with which he raised his own kids.

Now, because of the way he raised me, it has had a profound impact on how I raise my children. I give my children the trust I never had but with guidance and patience and sound advice. I will gladly give my life for them and will never turn them away but I offer them their independence and a voice. I have them make their own decisions (even at their young age) but advise them of the pros and cons of those decisions before they are made. I do not say "I told you so" when they make mistakes. I stand by their actions and their decisions and we all discuss and learn from the wrongs.... and the rights.

Their would be nothing wrong if you felt like you needed some professional counseling. I, myself, found a Christian psychiatrist. It was wonderful talking to someone who basically had to sit there and listen to my tirade in an unbiased atmosphere. In the end I went on medication to help control my depression. It hasn't been easy and there are still issues that will never be resolved. But I can see the sun shining again. The dark cloud is gone and I can live with the occasional cloudburst... so to speak.

Regarding you having a baby; Have you ever heard the line "If you have a baby then you won't be the baby anymore"? That sounds suspiciously like what your parents, especially your mother, are feeling. They think they would have to compete for your attentions and affections. You need to come to terms with that if you want to have children of your own.

Children are such a wonderful Blessing. Do not let your parents dictate whether or not you become a parent. Think of it like this, what happens if you have no children but then your parents pass on? Now you have a void that you created by letting your parents dictate your life-altering decisions. How soon after your parents pass would that come to a realization that turned into regret and blame? If you want children of your own then tell God you do and ask Him for that Blessing and for His guidance in raising your children in His Light and by His direction. Your parents have no say-so whatsoever in what God wants for you in your life. And in the end, that's the bottom line, isn't it?

I guess I have played psychiatrist here. My apologies if I sound controlling myself. I just wanted you to know that, like someone said before, you are not alone in this. You have good company. And some pretty sound advice from those of us that are also dealing with, through prayer and God's guidance, very similar circumstances.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as deal with these issues. Feel free anytime to PM me if you need to talk. And if you need a voice and not a written word, we can talk on the phone and pray together.

"Your parents it seems, especially your mother, have spent your whole life centered around you. They have nothing else to fill that void. Their painful words are just their way of asserting that "centeredness" with which they held you in the past. I'm sure they love you, they just cannot cut the strings and I doubt that they ever will. Your mother's rant about your hair, like my father's words, are just an assertive tirade to attain control of you once more. The same goes for the rant when you moved away. I don't think she worships you... I think you simply took away her power to control all that you do."


This part here sums up my Mom's thoughts on me. I truly have been the center of her world since day 1 of my life.

Thank you for having such a thoughtful response. I feel like I am drowning here, and I think it is pathetic (and I have told my Mom this) that I can't relate to her and my Dad just how happy I am and how for the 1st time in my adult life, things are finally looking up for me.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

My mother was very controlling and co-dependent. She seemed to be totally obsessed with my life. The fact that I needed her help so much when my kids were young because of my health problems, just compounded things.

When we moved an hour's drive away from my parents' home (due to my DH's work transfer), I took the opportunity to tell her that she and my Dad couldn't visit us unless they were invited....and then I restricted those invitations for the sake of my sanity. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but my DH supported me 100% in that decision because he could see that she was driving me to a nervous breakdown.

She was saved and passed away six years ago. In the previous few years, I watched her slowly deteriorate with Alzheimer's Disease. Then I became burdened with guilt over keeping her at arm's length after we moved. I still have those guilt feelings now and I think that just goes with the territory.

I came across this website one day which helped me to understand her problem more clearly....I wish I had read something like this while I was dealing with it. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ It has at least enabled me to see that I wasn't just being cold and mean by putting some distance between us (that's what my guilty side was telling me).

I wish we could have had a closer relationship but I realise now that it wasn't possible and I couldn't change her.

My mother is very co-dependent. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it so much. I am afraid that I will always have guilt feelings. Believe me, I have prayed about this so many times.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

A lot of weirdness in my family.

I got out of 98% of it by moving cross country. We have our weekly phone call ritual; MAYBE more often than that if something earthshaking happened.

In my family, they tended to cut me out of the loop entirely. Looking back, that was a huge blessing.

I second the suggestion to read "Boundaries". I have found it very helpful in my own life, and marriage.

My Mom would call the police if she hadn't heard from me in 24 hours, let alone a whole week. I usually talk to her about 4 times a day...

Thank you for sharing. i do appreciate your thoughts.

[Cindy S.]

I think you can still buy Boundaries.
Can't remember where I got mine, maybe it was the Christian Bookstore?
You may want to own a copy as you will refer to it often until you are
healed from the emotional manipulative abuse.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

I don't feel like doing too much typing, so my advice is:

CUT THE STRINGS IT'S TIME

I had to do this in my own life years ago. Eventually, your parents will realize you are separate and that you will not answer to them. It's a necessity, or you will not be able to live your own life peaceably. It may take years for you and them to come around to forging a correct adult=adult interaction in place of a parent=child interaction which you currently have.

You will have to be the initiator in this parental relationship change, because if you left it up to them, you would be answerable to them as their child for the rest of our life, and you would not be given the respect you deserve as a grown person. So, it's time to grow up, sever the cord, and live your life. Each of us has to do it at some time or another. It's time for you to ignore the guilt, drop the fear, and move on.

They won't die because of it, though they might try to guilt you into thinking you're killing them. God gave you to them temporarily so they could raise you to adulthood. But then, at the appropriate time, they were supposed to let you leave the nest. They were ideally supposed to help you leave the nest because their role as the controllers and protector over you is now over. They can still guide you, but you are no longer answerable to them.

They only have as much power and influence over you as you allow them to have. Time to turn over a new leaf. It's time for a change.

I can tell this is definitely an issue that is close to your heart and it is something that you know all too much about personally. Thanks for all of your input. You hit the nail on the head. You are exactly right, if I don't initiate the change (which neither of my parents receive change well at all) nothing will ever change. My Dad has told me several times that I am 'killing my mother with what I am doing', meaning moved away. We go in every other weekend or every 3rd weekend to see my parents.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

I have narcissistic parents. It almost destroyed me. The Lord healed my emotions. It's a miracle.

Thanks for that link, Sydney. It's a good one.

The thing that has helped me the most recently: I learned from the book, Why Is It Always About
You?, to offer non-defensive responses to their criticisms & attempts to control.

This is life-changing!

So when my father says, "You've gained as much weight as I have". I just shrug and say, "I'm
sorry you feel that way". (I've gone no contact now. No more abuse). He just wrote me a 10 page
letter filled with fear-mongering, guilt trips, etc. I didn't respond.

Also, it helped to finally accept that narcissistic parents do not care about anyone, including their
children.

So to the OP, not sure your folks are narcs, but try that non-defensive response. It's great!

gin

I am sorry you have dealt with the severe critisim, etc., over the years. It sure does take a toll on one. Thank you for your response.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

My daughter is an only child too and I was critical of many things she did only because I wanted
the BEST for her.
Maybe that's why she got into drugs? I don't know.
Anyway, it took the crisis of dangerous drugs to get me to cry out to God and I have put her
100% in his hands. He took me to the point of absolute helplessness to give up trying to control
her.
I am blessed that she lives in the same town as me and hope she never moves away but she
belongs to the Lord, not to me.
You have to stop seeing yourself as your parent's "child" and instead as the adult that you are.

I understand what you are saying completely. My Mom (& my Dad) do only want what is best for me...as long as it is in alignment with what they want. I know that there are many 'only' children out there, but it is as if I am an only child times a million. It is so hard to be parents' daughter. They just love me too much.

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter has been involved with drugs. That must be heartbreaking.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Bless your heart. I've been where you're at, and even still, I have to remind some of my family where their life ends and mine begins. There are some members in my family who do not know the difference. These are the same ones who have difficulty setting boundaries in their own lives, and allow others and circumstances to control them, though they don't realize it. Boundaries is a good book. It has been a great help to me.
I speak the word of God to them in love. Mind you, it doesn't go over very well at first, but if they are truly seeking to do the will of God, eventually, things do improve.

One thing I do, is allow the answering machine to take the calls, and I do not return calls immediately. I do it at a time that is convenient. I have learned that most emergencies are not something I can do anything about but pray, and then I let it go. Yes, I caught some flack about it at first. Everyone was so used to me being available and dropping everything at a moments' notice. I don't do that anymore. My life is much more peaceful.

Stay in prayer and the study of God's word, and put on the full armour of God when dealing with them. You'll be amazed how He intervenes in this situation!

Note: Once He does begin intervening, resist the temptation to "take it back" or "pursue it back". Enjoy the peaceful times, knowing He is working in your life.

I am so glad you mentioned the phone thing! If my Dad calls me (say I am at work) and I don't answer (I keep my ringer on silent while I am at work.) if I don't call him back within a specified amount of time, by his standard, whatever that is of the day, then he will not answer the phone when I call him back. I will say I called you back. He will then say that he knows, but he didn't answer. I will be like, why didn't you answer and he will say it is because I don't have time for him!

I really wish my parent would seek God's will. I am not even sure if my dad is saved or not, though he will gripe at me if *I* don't go to church one Sunday morning. My Mom is a Christian, but when it comes to me, I think she puts me first sometimes, if not all the time.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

3 very important points to fully grasp!

My sister and I used to think we were the only ones dealing with such parents. It was liberating to finally find out that we were not alone. Both my sister and I were estranged from our parents for the better part of 16 years. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of times we would receive "out of the blue" letters telling us how horrible we were as children, pointing out our mistakes as adults, and filled with fear-mongering and guilt trips as ginseng stated. These letters would bring us to tears and in a sense would only intensify our feelings of low worth. Thank God we both have wonderful supportive husbands. My sister and I were always willing to try and repair what had been broken, and sometimes things would be good, although, I might add, my parents would never allow us to be in a relationship status together with them. (For instance, 1998 was a good year for my sister, while 2000 was a good year for me). I might also add that my sister and I have a wonderful relationship and have never allowed our Mom to come between that.

My Father passed away in 2009 of lung cancer, 8 weeks after he was diagnosed, and it was during this time that my sister and I rallied together to be supportive to our Mother. We chose to do this, she never asked, and we have showered her with as much love as possible. To make this story short, just to point out, she hasn't changed. She never will. But I have grown to accept and respect her as she is, and made clear our boundaries. There have been a few obstacles, but the relationship is slowly moving forward.

The only advice I know is this: To know and understand who you are in Christ. Stay constant in prayer (for them and for you) and reading the Word. Set reasonable boundaries, and above all, don't allow anyone (even Mom and Dad) to make you feel any less about who you are or the choices you have made!



meshee

That must have been so hard to read those letters! I can't imagine. I try so hard ( & some days I am better at it than others) to just keep my focus on putting God 1st, then other things will (hopefully) fall into place, but then my Mom or Dad will have some remark about me not doing something their way, and immediately those guilt feelings come rushing back. Thanks for responding to my request for advice. I need all of the advice I can get!

[Cindy S.]

It will get better if you work at it.
I had a hard road as a single mom until my daughter turned 9, went through bankruptcy too.
I'm on my 2nd marriage and my DH has 4 kids. We paid support for years and years.
It will be 20 years of marriage this year.
It wasn't easy and not anything my parents would have chosen for me.
Now I'm 53, my DH is wonderful at managing money and is paying our house off 11 years early.
And after years of me going alone....................HE COMES TO CHURCH WITH ME EVERY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!! I even catch him singing. It's a miracle. Truly.

[Cindy S.]

I am so glad you mentioned the phone thing! If my Dad calls me (say I am at work) and I don't answer (I keep my ringer on silent while I am at work.) if I don't call him back within a specified amount of time, by his standard, whatever that is of the day, then he will not answer the phone when I call him back. I will say I called you back. He will then say that he knows, but he didn't answer. I will be like, why didn't you answer and he will say it is because I don't have time for him!

I really wish my parent would seek God's will. I am not even sure if my dad is saved or not, though he will gripe at me if *I* don't go to church one Sunday morning. My Mom is a Christian, but when it comes to me, I think she puts me first sometimes, if not all the time.

Your dad sounds like he needs to grow up.
You can tell saved people by their fruit.
My parents put us through Christian Schools, church twice every Sunday and Catechism on Mondays.
Now that my mom is gone, my dad drinks himself to pass out every night, still goes to church most
Sundays but that lack of forgiveness he has worries me. I have told him and I do pray for him.

[Robinbobbin]

Mommytoathirdgradeboy, I think the fact that you do not feel you can tell your parents you are married speaks volumes. Yes, counseling takes time and money, but your life is never going to get on track if you do not start to work through these issues with someone qualified to help you. Check with your insurance to see if there is a therapist covered under it. If not, check to see if there is a Christian therapist in your area that has a sliding fee scale.

You have a lot to work through, but the biggest issue that will impact your marriage and tear it apart is your issues with your Dad. If you can't tell them you are married to your husband out of fear of their reaction, that is a huge red flag for your marriage.

The book Boundaries will help, but reading it and then meeting with a therapist will go a lot further for helping you deal with it all.

[ginseng]

And hateful! He won't forgive people that are in the grave.
He brings up the past over and over and over.....

The part I bolded (I think it is in bold.) is exactly like my Dad. He is very hateful. Of course, to the neighbors and outside world, he is very much Mr. Nice Guy, very agreeable to anything said. The second they leave, or however the conversation ends, if my dad is in a bad mood, then he will immediately put on the silent treatment to my Mom and/or me, for NO REASON 99.9% of the time. It is just so frustrating. Growing up, if I did something one way one day, it would be ok, but the very next day if I didthat same day, he would yell at me over it. I would be like, well, it was ok yeaterday, why isn't it today. His answer was (still is to a degree) I don't need a (fill in the age) questioning me, backtalking me, or telling me what is right/wrong or what to do.

I can so relate to this!

When a parent keeps you off-balance, it's probably due to THEIR insecurites and fear of abandonment.

They really have a different reality and do not see their children as individuals, but extensions of themselves.

I feel like I have a Masters degree in narcissism .

My Father has probably dis-owned me. But Scripture says if my mother and father forsake me, God will provide.

I am so proud of everyone on this thread for standing for the Truth, in the face of severe abuse.
We are not alone!

gin

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

I think you can still buy Boundaries.
Can't remember where I got mine, maybe it was the Christian Bookstore?
You may want to own a copy as you will refer to it often until you are
healed from the emotional manipulative abuse.

It does sound like a book that I very may well end up buying. There is just something about seeing things in print v. hearing, etc., that seem to stick w/ me better.