Parental Guilt Trips

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

He needs to see the man in the house and the man needs to stand by his wife.
Turn a page, quit being afraid of your dad. That's not love, that's fear.

I am fearful because there is a real chance I will be disowned, or close to it. My husband had been wanting me to tell my Dad about him for a long time, as that is definitely understandable. They actually have a lot in common...both were in the military and have similar occupations, and my dad would really like my husband, IF he had no connection to me. I have been reading everything I can to try to be as confident as possible by tomorrow, but this is consuming me...I am such a chicken!

I would rather walk on hot coals than deal w/ my Dad.

[Cindy S.]

I am fearful because there is a real chance I will be disowned, or close to it. My husband had been wanting me to tell my Dad about him for a long time, as that is definitely understandable. They actually have a lot in common...both were in the military and have similar occupations, and my dad would really like my husband, IF he had no connection to me. I have been reading everything I can to try to be as confident as possible by tomorrow, but this is consuming me...I am such a chicken!

I would rather walk on hot coals than deal w/ my Dad.

I guess it boils down to who do you want to please, your husband the man you live with and have
kids with and want to spend your life with........or lie to your dad and make him think you are
something you are not.

I need a quick scripture, thou shalt not lie? I don't believe that's in the bible but you need some
scripture to stand on.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

I guess it boils down to who do you want to please, your husband the man you live with and have
kids with and want to spend your life with........or lie to your dad and make him think you are
something you are not.

I need a quick scripture, thou shalt not lie? I don't believe that's in the bible but you need some
scripture to stand on.

You are definitely right. Thank you for being so brutally honest w/ me. I needed that. I just keep going back to what he told that he will have nothing to do w/ me if I get involved in another relationship...I mean, why should I have to choose between them? No one else has to choose between their father or husband; they get to have relationships with both of them.

[ginseng]

So sorry you're going through this.

[meshee]

You are definitely right. Thank you for being so brutally honest w/ me. I needed that. I just keep going back to what he told that he will have nothing to do w/ me if I get involved in another relationship...I mean, why should I have to choose between them? No one else has to choose between their father or husband; they get to have relationships with both of them.

It hurts to feel like you have to choose between the people you love, (I know because I have been there) but here's the kicker... you don't have to choose. What I mean is, despite the choices and decisions they make, you don't have to feel any differently toward them or let that change how or what you do. I can't begin to count how many times I was disowned. Let me restate that - I was disowned many times. You see, it's not the final straw, if you don't let it be.

Proverbs 11:17 "The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh."

Matthew 5:7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."

meshee

[Cindy S.]

You are definitely right. Thank you for being so brutally honest w/ me. I needed that. I just keep going back to what he told that he will have nothing to do w/ me if I get involved in another relationship...I mean, why should I have to choose between them? No one else has to choose between their father or husband; they get to have relationships with both of them.

1Cr 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1Cr 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

I hope I wasn't too blunt, I hope you find courage to stand up to your dad. If he disown's you, it's
HIS problem, not yours. He is just a man, JESUS would never disown you.....NEVER. You are a child
of the living GOD. He is your father.
You don't have to chose between your husband and father, you chose both.
It's your father who is choosing or not choosing a relationship with you based on your behavior.
That's mental abuse. How many more years are you going to put up with it?

[CatChick]

I am really needing prayer over these next few days. There is a good chance that my Dad will be 'stopping by' for a visit Friday night. I do not think I have ever been under this much stress in my entire life! I am scared to death he is going to stop by. He will have a cow when he walks in and see some man in the house.

I am fearful because there is a real chance I will be disowned, or close to it. My husband had been wanting me to tell my Dad about him for a long time, as that is definitely understandable. They actually have a lot in common...both were in the military and have similar occupations, and my dad would really like my husband, IF he had no connection to me. I have been reading everything I can to try to be as confident as possible by tomorrow, but this is consuming me...I am such a chicken!

I would rather walk on hot coals than deal w/ my Dad.

Have you ever considered that this may be God's perfect timing for you and your family?

If your father would threaten to disown you over you finding happiness.. well, my dear, and you should tell your father this, how can that be called love? How can that be called wanting what's best for you? Perhaps being "disowned" is the best thing that could happen to you at this point in your life. Let them sever contact. And do not re-establish it yourself. Wait for them. It will NOT kill your mother. It will NOT kill your dad. They will either loosen the hold they have on you or they will never speak to you again. That is certainly a possibility. But, dearest, they will be the losers in the end.

You have given them so much of your life, I'm fearful for you that you, yourself, cannot cut the strings that tie you to them. It's obvious, by your coming here for advice that you Want things to change. So, let it happen. As someone said before me, put on the Whole Armor of God and enter the battle covered with the Shield of God's Perfect Love. And know that He will Never forsake you. Ever. It will not seem so to you. It will not seem so to your parents. But completely severing the ties between you and your parents may be how God strengthens you and opens your parent's eyes to their own controlling behavior.

Do you ever listen to Christian music? Many times when I need uplifting, I listen to some of my most favorite and uplifting songs that I have downloaded. Or I go to YouTube where I have the videos saved to my account. I'm going to share a few of my favorites with you. If you they give you the strength that they give me, then download them. Each of them is only about .99 cents at Amazon. Or just save the videos. Get a video downloader (free anywhere on the web) and download them from YouTube so you have them always on your computer. Anything to help keep your spirits high and your eyes, heart and mind on the Lord.

All of our words here are meant to advise you, but God's Word is meant to Lead you.

Remember, as always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. And you may still PM me and we'll chat or you can call me and we'll pray together -- absolutely anytime.

[HeIsEnough]

I can only say that I wish my mom and dad where still here, I'd put up with whatever games they would play.

[jonshaff]

Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
Matthew 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
Matthew 10:40 He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me.

I use to struggle with "acceptance" with my dad, too. But now I have my heavenly Father who has accepted me, and will not forsake me.

[jadeeyes]

I can only say that I wish my mom and dad where still here, I'd put up with whatever games they would play.

I am sorry that you no longer have your parents around. I'm certain that you miss them and still love and respect them. I understand why you would feel as you do, but you may have no idea how difficult it is to deal with parents who are still trying to control you and seek to manipulate you throughout your adulthood. And while they are completely out of line trying to control the lives of their adult chodren, they try to make those "children" feel guilty. I thank God that ye relationship with my Mother has improved drastically over the last several years, but most of my adult life, it was impossible for me to have a peaceful relationship with her because she wanted all of my attention, she wanted me to always feel as if I was not a good enough daughter in spite of the fact that she had declared herself to be a wonderful parent and she constantly tried to make me feel guilty because I knew that my foremost responsibility was to my husband and our children, not to her. Praise god that she is finally a born again believer and is not nearly as controlling as she once was. I never wanted to lose my Mother and would certainly have mourned her passing if she had died, but the manipulative games she played made my lifep retty miserable for most of my life and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to honor a Mother who had no respect or regard for me. She wanted my world to revolve around her and she wanted to be at the center of all my thoughts and concerns. These are not the complaints of someoone who doesn't care about their parents and isn't willing to put up with some inconvenience in that relationship. These are very real and huge concerns.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

It hurts to feel like you have to choose between the people you love, (I know because I have been there) but here's the kicker... you don't have to choose. What I mean is, despite the choices and decisions they make, you don't have to feel any differently toward them or let that change how or what you do. I can't begin to count how many times I was disowned. Let me restate that - I was disowned many times. You see, it's not the final straw, if you don't let it be.

Proverbs 11:17 "The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh."

Matthew 5:7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."

meshee

Yes, this is exactly how I feel, like I have to choose. I do see and understand your point, though. Thanks for commenting; I need every bit of advice I can get! I am so sorry you have dealt with this issue as well.

To Ginseng, thank you!

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

1Cr 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1Cr 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

I hope I wasn't too blunt, I hope you find courage to stand up to your dad. If he disown's you, it's
HIS problem, not yours. He is just a man, JESUS would never disown you.....NEVER. You are a child
of the living GOD. He is your father.
You don't have to chose between your husband and father, you chose both.
It's your father who is choosing or not choosing a relationship with you based on your behavior.
That's mental abuse. How many more years are you going to put up with it?

The book, "Boundaries" has really been helping me to understand exactly what you just wrote. Thank you so much for all of your advice, and no, you weren't too blunt. Thanks so much!

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

I can only say that I wish my mom and dad where still here, I'd put up with whatever games they would play.

And that is one thing my parents said when I told them I was moving. The thing is, I am there every other weekend, or 3rd weekend, plus all days that I am off and it's not in the middle of a work week. That is a big reason why I feel guilty, even though me moving away is not sinful...

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
Matthew 10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:39 He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.
Matthew 10:40 He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me.

I use to struggle with "acceptance" with my dad, too. But now I have my heavenly Father who has accepted me, and will not forsake me.

I am beginning to think I am being tested to prove that I love God more than I am fearful of loosing my Dad, if that even makes sense. I guess it doesn't really matter whether our parents accept us or not, as long as what we are doing is right & pleasing in God's eyes.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

I am sorry that you no longer have your parents around. I'm certain that you miss them and still love and respect them. I understand why you would feel as you do, but you may have no idea how difficult it is to deal with parents who are still trying to control you and seek to manipulate you throughout your adulthood. And while they are completely out of line trying to control the lives of their adult chodren, they try to make those "children" feel guilty. I thank God that ye relationship with my Mother has improved drastically over the last several years, but most of my adult life, it was impossible for me to have a peaceful relationship with her because she wanted all of my attention, she wanted me to always feel as if I was not a good enough daughter in spite of the fact that she had declared herself to be a wonderful parent and she constantly tried to make me feel guilty because I knew that my foremost responsibility was to my husband and our children, not to her. Praise god that she is finally a born again believer and is not nearly as controlling as she once was. I never wanted to lose my Mother and would certainly have mourned her passing if she had died, but the manipulative games she played made my lifep retty miserable for most of my life and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to honor a Mother who had no respect or regard for me. She wanted my world to revolve around her and she wanted to be at the center of all my thoughts and concerns. These are not the complaints of someoone who doesn't care about their parents and isn't willing to put up with some inconvenience in that relationship. These are very real and huge concerns.

And that is the thing...my mother wants about 98% of my attention toward her. I asked her the other day if she feels I am an extension of her or if I am my own separate individual. Without hesitation she replied, You are most definitely an extenion of me, whether you want to admit it or not. My mother is a Christian, but I am just not sure anymor eabout my Dad. He is truly the most bitter person I know...he blames his sisters, neither of whom he has spoken to since the mid 90s. My Mom's world revolves around anything I am doing or involved in. I am glad that you realize these are HUGE concerns because they really are. It all sounds so silly, I guess, if I had a totally objective point of view. Thank you for understanding.

[ginseng]

I am beginning to think I am being tested to prove that I love God more than I am fearful of loosing my Dad, if that even makes sense. I guess it doesn't really matter whether our parents accept us or not, as long as what we are doing is right & pleasing in God's eyes.

Yes! And I had to learn to look to God as my Provider. Not my earthly father.

Learning this really gives me comfort & security. Because God doesn't change (unlike my father,
who throws crumbs at me).

Now that my father has cut me off, I'm excited to see how God will provide! I'm unable to work
due to a disability. God is my Source and His resources are infinite!

gin

[HeIsEnough]

I am sorry that you no longer have your parents around. I'm certain that you miss them and still love and respect them. I understand why you would feel as you do, but you may have no idea how difficult it is to deal with parents who are still trying to control you and seek to manipulate you throughout your adulthood.

Yes, I do, my point was beside the point I guess. I understand this stuff is difficult, I was just expressing sadness.

[Cindy S.]

I am beginning to think I am being tested to prove that I love God more than I am fearful of loosing my Dad, if that even makes sense. I guess it doesn't really matter whether our parents accept us or not, as long as what we are doing is right & pleasing in God's eyes.

It very well could be a test.
There are to be no other gods before him.

[jadeeyes]

Yes, I do, my point was beside the point I guess. I understand this stuff is difficult, I was just expressing sadness.

Understood.

[Mommytoa3rdgradeboy]

Thanks again, everyone.

I have been reading everything I can (& there isn't THAT much stuff online) about overcontrolling parents, etc. I am feeling *slightly* better about this situaion. Something is going to have to happen...and soon.