how do you stop other people's kids from annoying you?

[prairiedog]

I'm not talking about the "kids should be seen and not heard" attitude.

I'm speaking of blatant rudeness.

The kid in question is my inlaw's grandchild. She is four...not old enough to figure it out on her own, but does understand directions.

I avoid the inlaws whenever possible, but recently the kid was poking me in the rear. I firmly but nicely asked her to stop. She then poked me in the back of the leg instead while grinning at me.

I moved. Had I used a firmer tone, the inlaws would've accused me of being mean. They think that discipling a child is mean.

Any suggestions as to how I can get her to stop without invoking the wrath of the inlaws and my spouse?

As I said, I try to avoid them whenever possible. Also, I don't have kids, so I don't have much experience with them.

[Jan51]

If it were me, I think I would take the child's hand or arm kindly but firmly in mine and say firmly but kindly, "You need to stop poking me." Quietly enough that it sounds like I'm just addressing the child, but loudly enough that the parents can hear. With a smile even (dare I say, a wicked smile?). If it happened in my house, I would probably also add, "You will not act like that in my house." Again, with a smile. Wrath or no wrath. They can think what they want--that's their problem.

When children come to my house and do or say things that I don't want here, even though I know they can do that at home, I have no problem telling them not to, in front of the parents. Just letting everyone know that I have certain rules at my house. The key is to use a businesslike tone of voice--kind and firm--not accusing, not threatening, not pleading. No different than seeing someone start to light up a cigarette in my house without asking permission. I say, "Oh, excuse me, I don't allow smoking in my house." With a smile of course. No need to feel guilty, even if they act miffed.

She will soon be in the school system and this will land her in the principal's office. At least, in the district where I sub, kinders do go to the principal for this type of behavior. Today it is called "bullying." If you allow yourself to be treated like this by a child for the sake of peace in the family, you will find it even harder to draw the line later when you find you absolutely have to. But I know that it is very hard, in a family, to "rock the boat." It took me a long time to learn.

[Wishing4]

The first thing I though of was to say, "Ouch!" kind of loud and then say to the child, "Please don't poke me." Maybe the parents would step in...maybe. I know my 4 year old will do something she thinks is funny but if it hurts someone then she feels bad.

[Acts5:41]

I'm not always so clear with boundaries, but you have to be careful when correcting other people's kids. Otherwise you are liable to have a very angry mother screaming and threatening to beat you up. Happened to me once at Walmart. The kid was screaming, earsplitting tantrum screams. I yelled "STOP IT", the kid did, and the mother "went off" on me.

Another mother threatened to beat me up because I, very carefully, suggested it might not be a good idea to let her toddlers play in the street unsupervised. One of my drivers had almost run over her little boy.

Unfortunately, a lot of parents have the "anything goes in public, they only have to 'mind' at home" rule. They also tend to get very aggressive if you mention anything to them or the kids.

I don't have a problem with strange kids touching me. When I'm out in public I'm with my husband. My husband is blind and in a wheelchair. IMO, the parents who let their kids run wild, where I go, tend to be very ignorant. They are very superstitious about people with disabilities. They scream at their kids if they get any where near my husband or his wheelchair, so the parents tend to keep a wide berth around "us" when we go out, and scream at any kids who get too close to us because they might get blind/wheelchair "cooties".

I also avoid shopping when the kids are out. It isn't too hard for us, I have a bad knee and have had too many little kids, pushing shopping carts or flatbeds, ram my leg and giggle.

In your case, if they are at your home I think it is appropriate to call the mother with some ground rules before the child comes over, and then tell them "You need to take her home now" if she misbehaves. If it's not at your house, I would tell her "You need to stop poking me, now, and go color" or whatever entertainment they have for her to do.

You might look into reading "Boundaries" by Dr's Cloud and Townshend. It's very useful.

[Tall Timbers]

4 years old. I would tell the youngster: You can poke me all you want but don't sing "Jesus loves me" (or some other phrase) over and over because it'll drive me crazy!" If the kid takes the cue show some exaggerated exasperation once in a while... This sort of transferrance of one behavior to another worked for me with young ones all the time.

[JoyJoyJoy]

Poke her back???

This thread made me laugh. Kids will be kids, but we as adults must set the limits.
My daddy had alzheimers. I took him with me to Wal Mart one day and a child started yelling on another isle. Daddy yelled out "SHUT UP!!" I laughed so.
One time there were some children playing with some toys on one of the aisle ends. Daddy walked up to them, took their toys and put them up on a shelf and gave the kids a mean eye. I felt kinda bad for the kids, but it was too stinking funny.

[IMSAVED]

I have seen so much rude behavior in kids latelyIt is unreal.The parents do not seem to care.I have heard small kids in my neighborhood yelling and screaming at each other.Using "The four letter word" often.What the heck.

[Robinbobbin]

She sounds like she was bored. My DD (age 4) rarely acts out unless she's bored. Keep in mind that their world view is very small so they don't have the same boundary issues you do. Attention is attention to them.

If the parents or the ILs aren't stepping in, try playing a game with her or distracting her with paper and a pen or crayons. If she knows her ABCs, have her go around the room and find things with the letter A, then B, then C, etc. on them. Then, once she exhausts that move on to the numbers. She's 4 - if she's bored and has nothing to entertain herself with, she will turn to annoying those around her by acting out.

[treasures]

My daughter called me not long ago asking how to handle a friend's son, same age and single mom. The picking on her she could take, but he harassed her pets, tried to strangle the cat and poke the dog. When stopped from that he threw things around the house at the cat and screamed in the dog's face. When she put the cat outside and the dog in its cage, in fear that it might actually bite him, he screamed into the cage at the dog, poking it with things (and now the dog goes insane at the first sight of him and has to be caged). She said the child seemed to have some really deep problems but he'd been taken in for evaluation time and time again and all of his issues were behavioral (mom doesn't believe in any type of discipline whatsoever). I told her if she couldn't discipline him herself and mom wouldn't, his behavior was totally unacceptable, then her only recourse was to avoid him completely. I also told her she should just be honest with his mom about it, say it with love but tell her all the same.

Last I heard, my daughter was on her cell with me, whispering and doing a belly crawl from her living room to her bedroom while this young woman was knocking at her door, child in tow.

[Robinbobbin]

My daughter called me not long ago asking how to handle a friend's son, same age and single mom. The picking on her she could take, but he harassed her pets, tried to strangle the cat and poke the dog. When stopped from that he threw things around the house at the cat and screamed in the dog's face. When she put the cat outside and the dog in its cage, in fear that it might actually bite him, he screamed into the cage at the dog, poking it with things (and now the dog goes insane at the first sight of him and has to be caged). She said the child seemed to have some really deep problems but he'd been taken in for evaluation time and time again and all of his issues were behavioral (mom doesn't believe in any type of discipline whatsoever). I told her if she couldn't discipline him herself and mom wouldn't, his behavior was totally unacceptable, then her only recourse was to avoid him completely. I also told her she should just be honest with his mom about it, say it with love but tell her all the same.

Last I heard, my daughter was on her cell with me, whispering and doing a belly crawl from her living room to her bedroom while this young woman was knocking at her door, child in tow.

That is incredibly sad for that child.

We had some family friends we were really close to pre-kids. But, we discipline ours and expect them to behave appropriately (as appropriately as a 4 yo and 20 mo old can be expected to) and they're okay with their kids tearing apart other people's houses, breaking other kids' toys and just generally being naughty. Kids can't teach themselves discipline and self-control. It's totally on the parents. We have stopped spending time with that family because it's way too much work, my kids don't like their kids and I don't want my kids picking up their behaviors.

In your DD's shoes, she needs to just straight up tell the Mom that at 4 the kid is old enough to know how to treat animals and how to respect other people's things and while she cares for them, it's not okay for her to allow her son to treat your pets that way again. If she won't step in when he is abusive, they'll have to leave. That Mom is doing an incredible disservice to her son not teaching him how to behave in society.

[Wally]

Paintball.



OK off the cuff answer.

Actually I have found, taking a real interest in them, listening, showing them love, giving responsibilities/accountibility(saying: I know you can do this), and saying No and meaning it.

Sometimes you gain the child's respect and loose the parent.

[SaintTexas]

I have a son who is going to turn 4 next month plus 6, 14 and 18 year olds.

That is a tricky situation, and I think it's awesome that you care enough about that child to try to figure out how best to solve this. My kids drive me crazy, but thoughtful correction is always best, though not always possible.

Kids do negative and inappropriate things when they are bored or want attention, but if no boundaries are being set or enforced, who knows what the motivator could be if that is considered normal at home. I would start with do unto others. We want to train children to behave and that starts with speaking to that child and treating that child in the way that you wanted that child to treat you. And the fewer words the better.

I would bend down to eye level, look the kiddo right in the eyes, use their name, and say something like, " _____, I am so glad to see you and to spend time with you, and I want to enjoy your company today. You are becoming quite grown up, but what you just did to me was not very nice and not something someone so grown up like you should do to someone. Let's do this instead when we see one another or you just want to give me some attention." And show that child a knuckle bump, a hand shake, a hug, something that you make up that will be your special way of greeting each other the next time you see this child. It will will edify this child, teach the child correct behaviour, foster a better relationship between both of you.

You won't make anyone mad. You won't injure or harm this child who is already crying out for boundaries, training and attention that are missing in the other adult relationships that should be providing these things, and it will solve your problem. You also might become that child's hero for being so loving by setting some boundaries and taking the time to personally and purposely make that child feel special.

[Deb101]

I wonder if as Christians we have a wrong-headed idea that almost all people and their behavior has to be met with a sweet smile, kindness and tolerance. What I mean is this, I would have no problem telling that mother with her disturbed little boy that I have decided it would be best not to have relations with her anymore. It is not good for my child and the boy has greatly disturbed and terrorized my pets.


If that kid was poking me I would have told her to stop right now. I'm an adult and you are a child, it is inappropriate for you to take such liberties. If she didn't stop I would have confronted the parents and asked them what are they teaching their child about respecting people? Obviously these people don't respect others.

I think it is more ungodly to allow people into your lives and home to destroy your peace and joy and home lives than to worry about a being witness.

[SaintTexas]

Amazing. My peace love and joy are all in Christ and Christ alone. When something goes wrong, I don't have to protect those things---I am called to respond as the Lord does---with long suffering and love, never reviling or seeking to destroy another person or even to protect myself. He says He will do the protecting. I am to pick up my cross and lay my life down. Those things are from Him alone and cannot be touched by circumstances and the wrong actions of others including undisciplined 4 year olds and their antics.

God's Word reminds us that we are called to be witnesses, make disciples, show the love of Christ to the undeserving because He showed His love to us and we are undeserving, and we don't damage a child who is already not being taught not to do certain things. We love them and correct them in a way that edifies them---what an opportunity to do something that is undone and to do it in love. The poster wanted a real answer to a real problem and was very clear that there are complicated long-term relationships involved and that this really matters. What would a loving correction look like?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

As far as I know, we shouldn't be offended by much because we are dead to this life and alive in Christ. I am not against spanking, time out, redirection, apologizing, making ammends, and having things and privileges taken away. I am completely against being unloving in a correction as a Christian, and that is very difficult to live out, but we are to have self-control. I am impressed with the poster's concern over the problem and the control exerted when this happened.

[treasures]

That is incredibly sad for that child.

We had some family friends we were really close to pre-kids. But, we discipline ours and expect them to behave appropriately (as appropriately as a 4 yo and 20 mo old can be expected to) and they're okay with their kids tearing apart other people's houses, breaking other kids' toys and just generally being naughty. Kids can't teach themselves discipline and self-control. It's totally on the parents. We have stopped spending time with that family because it's way too much work, my kids don't like their kids and I don't want my kids picking up their behaviors.

In your DD's shoes, she needs to just straight up tell the Mom that at 4 the kid is old enough to know how to treat animals and how to respect other people's things and while she cares for them, it's not okay for her to allow her son to treat your pets that way again. If she won't step in when he is abusive, they'll have to leave. That Mom is doing an incredible disservice to her son not teaching him how to behave in society.

I agree, she really is doing him a disservice. I can't imagine what's to become of him. He's verbally threatened to stab and throw a mutual friend's baby into the garbage when the mutual friend did draw the line and try to make him behave. Scary, though he's only 4. I think my daughter is mostly afraid to say something because the young woman has told her that she's not welcome anywhere else and has no friends because nobody likes her son, everyone is mean, etc. etc.. and she was hoping to witness to her (but never gets the opportunity due to his behavior, even after many attempts). As for me, I've never met her but did ask for her address so I could purchase online and have Christian parenting materials sent to her, along with information about salvation in Christ. She seems to think any discipline at all equals abuse, and hopefully she'll take a look at what arrives in her mail box. It's worth a shot. I'm not sure if she'll know who sent it or not. I hope it doesn't make her mad or hurt her feelings if she's able to know that I sent it.

So much chaos posing as parenting these days. I shudder to think what this generation will be like and praying we are home with the Lord and never know!

[Robinbobbin]

She seems to think any discipline at all equals abuse, and hopefully she'll take a look at what arrives in her mail box. It's worth a shot. I'm not sure if she'll know who sent it or not. I hope it doesn't make her mad or hurt her feelings if she's able to know that I sent it.

So much chaos posing as parenting these days. I shudder to think what this generation will be like and praying we are home with the Lord and never know!

I think that's the problem - she most likely was the child of abuse herself.

If she would be open to it, it might be worth offering to send her to a "Love and Logic" parenting class. Many churches sponsor them. We have 2 churches within 10 miles currently offering them. If you DD would be up to babysitting him at his own home while Mom attends (because I would assume he would probably be kicked out of the childcare offered if he's threatening to stab other children), it could seriously be the best thing either of you have ever done for the child, the mother, and it would be a fantastic witness to her.

We have some dear Christian friends who have an EXTRAORDINARILy strong willed little girl and the parenting tactics that have worked for the rest of their brood haven't worked with her. They've found Love and Logic to be very helpful.

[penbrat]

My daughter called me not long ago asking how to handle a friend's son, same age and single mom. The picking on her she could take, but he harassed her pets, tried to strangle the cat and poke the dog. When stopped from that he threw things around the house at the cat and screamed in the dog's face. When she put the cat outside and the dog in its cage, in fear that it might actually bite him, he screamed into the cage at the dog, poking it with things (and now the dog goes insane at the first sight of him and has to be caged). She said the child seemed to have some really deep problems but he'd been taken in for evaluation time and time again and all of his issues were behavioral (mom doesn't believe in any type of discipline whatsoever). I told her if she couldn't discipline him herself and mom wouldn't, his behavior was totally unacceptable, then her only recourse was to avoid him completely. I also told her she should just be honest with his mom about it, say it with love but tell her all the same.

Last I heard, my daughter was on her cell with me, whispering and doing a belly crawl from her living room to her bedroom while this young woman was knocking at her door, child in tow.

If someone's child was messing with my puppy and the parent wouldn't do anything, I would ask the parent nicley once and if it kept up I would have to politley say I am sorry we will have to meet somewhere else other than my house, as I don't feel comfortable with your child bothering my animal, that I wouldn't want my animal to bite the child nor the child to hurt the animal. I am not real patient with kids (something I need to work on) but them messing with my pet would be unacceptable to me.

[raml]

I had four nieces and nephews that were allowed to run and jump in the house and they destroyed furniture faster than they could replace it. When they came to my home I just would go over the rules of the house with them and if they were real young just removed them from any furniture they stood on and made sure they obeyed the rules and they never did really ever try anything at my home. They were taught to respect their elders though and today if you met them you would never know what little destroyers they use to be. They all have lovely homes and their children all are not allowed to run rampant. They actually almost burned their home down from my sil letting them be up and about while she was still in bed in the morning ( she had a job that she worked late) so the kids stayed with me while their home was being fixed and they were fine. In your own home you are the boss and if visiting in laws and they are there I would either nicely tell her that she was hurting me and please stop or like another said divert her if it were me I would purchase a little toy like a barbie doll or something of that nature that she could only play with when you were there since you would keep it and she will probably not be causing you any problems anymore. Since you so rarely see her a little bribery is not bad for her.

[prairiedog]

Okay, I need to add a few details here:

We met up at a public park this time because my spouse had a special occasion to celebrate. I asked him what he would like to do, and he wanted a picnic and invite his family.

I have put my foot down and made it clear to hubby that his family is no longer welcome in our home.
I have tolerated many years of disrespect from them and I'm tired of it, Christian or not.

I avoid them as much as possible, not only because of their disrespect towards me, but because the kid's parent (SIL's kid) has brought public shame to the family.
They refuse to acknowlege their own poor parenting, and are raising their grandchild as poorly as they did her parent.

Also, they do not discipline for two reasons:

1. They think that it's cruel to not allow a child to have his/her own way. This is why their own kid is in deep trouble.

2. The cops have been called on them more than once over the past couple years. They are afraid that if the child screams when not allowed her own way, their neighbors will call police/CPS.

Because of their hatred of me, they will permit the kid to annoy me.
They have learned the hard way just how destructive an accusation can be, whether it's true or not. Therefore, I am concerned they might accuse me of something horrible involving the child...as then they could get rid of me once and for all.
My husband is of no help, as he cleaves to them...right or wrong.

I have to make sure I'm not alone with any of them even for a few minutes, because in the past, they've made up stories to turn my husband against me.

So this last time, when he excused himself for various reasons...I took the dog for a walk until I saw him return. Then I would rejoin them.

[IMSAVED]

Okay, I need to add a few details here:

We met up at a public park this time because my spouse had a special occasion to celebrate. I asked him what he would like to do, and he wanted a picnic and invite his family.

I have put my foot down and made it clear to hubby that his family is no longer welcome in our home.
I have tolerated many years of disrespect from them and I'm tired of it, Christian or not.

I avoid them as much as possible, not only because of their disrespect towards me, but because the kid's parent (SIL's kid) has brought public shame to the family.
They refuse to acknowlege their own poor parenting, and are raising their grandchild as poorly as they did her parent.

Also, they do not discipline for two reasons:

1. They think that it's cruel to not allow a child to have his/her own way. This is why their own kid is in deep trouble.

2. The cops have been called on them more than once over the past couple years. They are afraid that if the child screams when not allowed her own way, their neighbors will call police/CPS.

Because of their hatred of me, they will permit the kid to annoy me.
They have learned the hard way just how destructive an accusation can be, whether it's true or not. Therefore, I am concerned they might accuse me of something horrible involving the child...as then they could get rid of me once and for all.
My husband is of no help, as he cleaves to them...right or wrong.

I have to make sure I'm not alone with any of them even for a few minutes, because in the past, they've made up stories to turn my husband against me.

So this last time, when he excused himself for various reasons...I took the dog for a walk until I saw him return. Then I would rejoin them.

This must put some strain on your marriage.