Financially helping your adult kids

[Cindy S.]

I'm in a new situation with my daughter (pray for her salvation please)
Now I'm a grandma and love that kid with all my heart.
Situation is, she is living with the baby's dad and they plan to get married. (she has a ring)
Anyway...................they have made a huge mess of their lives, their finances, etc.
They already have 1 eviction and last month I helped them with their rent so they wouldn't
get another eviction for the sake of that baby.
I can see this becoming a pattern of helping them and I'm afraid of that.
I've been praying but so far.......... (crickets)................
Do I let them get another eviction and live in the mission with that baby or do I help?
I'm so convicted. Another eviction will affect that baby for all his life, where will he live? In a slum?
What kind of friends will he find to play with??
They are willing to work, they want to work, he works every day on commission and she is a waitress so she works the days she can get hours. It's not like they are sitting around watching tv.
Would love to hear your stories or suggestions.

[IbelieveinJesus]

If they are hard working, and their issues are not due to poor financial decisions on their part (like gambling or shopping binges or something), I would help.

I suppose the only reason I wouldn't is if I felt that by not helping in the short run, it would help them in the long run by showing them the consequences of their actions.

-Ted

[Wally]

Sounds like they need a church team to intervene and mentor.

If you provide any financial help it should be through this team.


Sometimes the need is real, and sometimes it is created for whatever reason (often selfish)
A mentor has the wisdom to discerne, and the authority to create accountibilities.

[Cindy S.]

If they are hard working, and their issues are not due to poor financial decisions on their part (like gambling or shopping binges or something), I would help.

I suppose the only reason I wouldn't is if I felt that by not helping in the short run, it would help them in the long run by showing them the consequences of their actions.

-Ted

The issues are: they both have felonies for drugs, jobs for felons are very hard to come by,
the bf she lives with (baby's dad) needs to learn he can't take $ from the bill $ to go out to eat every day.
They can't have a savings account because they have old unpaid bills and they will take
the $ from the bank account.
I know 2 people who are still supporting their 40 and 50 year old kids. I am afraid that will
happen to me.
I also am convicted helping them with their rent so they can continue to live as fornicators.

[Cindy S.]

I just sent her an email that if they need my help they will have to submit to my budget counseling to see where the problem is.

[icebear]

I just sent her an email that if they need my help they will have to submit to my budget counseling to see where the problem is.

this is a great idea

[Robinbobbin]

May I offer a suggestion?

In your shoes, I'd sit downw ith both of them face to face to find out if they really want to change their behavior for the sake of the baby. If the answer is yes, I'd tell them that I will help with this month's bills if and only if they BOTH attend, in person, a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University 12 week course, do all the course work, etc.

I know very few men who have been through the program who would still justify their behavior eating out every day while their family faces eviction after going through the Dave Ramsey class. He is completely derisive towards men who do that and it convicts the spirit of most.

[Tall Timbers]

Hi Cindy S,

I've had this silly idea all my life that helping children/family financially who are doing well with what they have can be a positive thing. They can take what they're given and put it to good use. On the other side of the coin, helping children/family who are struggling and can't manage their resources well ends up hurting long term.

In my town, ending up at the Mission can be a very good thing. Our Mission has both helped bring many to Christ and also helps with job training and placement. Sounds like this couple have already fallen and have had to pick themselves up. With some it may take several falls before the changes that are needed set in, if they ever do.

This is a heart-wrenching situation. My own kids are still living at home. The oldest is 18. I know that I would do anything I could for any of them for as long as I'm alive, but I don't think I'd ever do anything that I didn't think would help them long term, though I'm sure I'd have a learning curve if I ever have an adult child in need.... and I probably will at some point.

Some times the best course to take is the most difficult to decide upon. I can't pretend to know the full story in this particular case, so I will be praying for you and your loved ones, may the Lord lead you to the most helpful course of action, rather it be doing nothing or bailing them out now and again and again. May the Lord bless your grandchild and the parents, and you.

[Cindy S.]

May I offer a suggestion?

In your shoes, I'd sit downw ith both of them face to face to find out if they really want to change their behavior for the sake of the baby. If the answer is yes, I'd tell them that I will help with this month's bills if and only if they BOTH attend, in person, a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University 12 week course, do all the course work, etc.

I know very few men who have been through the program who would still justify their behavior eating out every day while their family faces eviction after going through the Dave Ramsey class. He is completely derisive towards men who do that and it convicts the spirit of most.

Very good idea.
I like Dave Ramsey.

[Cindy S.]

Hi Cindy S,

I've had this silly idea all my life that helping children/family financially who are doing well with what they have can be a positive thing. They can take what they're given and put it to good use. On the other side of the coin, helping children/family who are struggling and can't manage their resources well ends up hurting long term.

In my town, ending up at the Mission can be a very good thing. Our Mission has both helped bring many to Christ and also helps with job training and placement. Sounds like this couple have already fallen and have had to pick themselves up. With some it may take several falls before the changes that are needed set in, if they ever do.

This is a heart-wrenching situation. My own kids are still living at home. The oldest is 18. I know that I would do anything I could for any of them for as long as I'm alive, but I don't think I'd ever do anything that I didn't think would help them long term, though I'm sure I'd have a learning curve if I ever have an adult child in need.... and I probably will at some point.

Some times the best course to take is the most difficult to decide upon. I can't pretend to know the full story in this particular case, so I will be praying for you and your loved ones, may the Lord lead you to the most helpful course of action, rather it be doing nothing or bailing them out now and again and again. May the Lord bless your grandchild and the parents, and you.

Thank you.
It's that 9 month old baby that is bothering me.
I am going to make them at least sit down with me and talk about finances before
they get another dime.
I know too many people that are doing way too much for their adult kids and I know
at some point my helping isn't helping.
I never dreamed life would be like this.

[Walker]

I would offer to house your daughter and her son until she was able to get her old bills paid off and save enough for a new place and they get married. They can live rent free or for nominal rent and you will have the chance to (hopefully) witness to her.

There is a good book written in the 90's by Barbara Ehrenreich about the working poor and how they stay poor. It may shed some light on the situation for everyone on the hows and whys of their financial situation came about. If they have no bank account, they really can't save. They can't have a bank account because they have a long line of creditors who will take any money in any accounts. They can't get a good apartment because of past history with eviction, so they stay in long-term motels with few cooking facilities and that is why they eat out every meal. Few also have good financial bases to start with, which is really important.

[IbelieveinJesus]

I just sent her an email that if they need my help they will have to submit to my budget counseling to see where the problem is.

I think the third party counseling is a good idea given the circumstances you've laid out... Having a third party involved I think also helps protect your personal relationship with your daughter...

-Ted

[kmendel]

They could start a savings account that is under your name, and have access to it when genuinely needed.

We have five children and have helped at least three of them at times as they tried to get established as young adults on their own. We learned pretty quickly when that line began to get crossed, where our help was hurting them more than helping them become responsible for themselves............and we stopped the handouts. They survived and their children survived, and they eventually had to fend for themselves.

[Acts5:41]

I think it's important to pay bills, and in my opinion she needs to address the bill paying. If they are permitted to escape the consequences of paying back the creditors, then when it comes time to pay you back they may just flake on you, too. I am currently paying $30 a month on an old hospital bill. Did they help me? No, it was awful care, but I did incur a debt. As I pay it back, my credit improves.

My parents were very strict with us, growing up.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Find an Al-anon group, attend it. You are "enabling" right now. You need to address that. http://www.al-anon.org/ I found meetings, and the literature, very helpful in my own situation.
2. Talk to your daughter and see if you can take custody of your grandson for a while "While you get on your feet". Then, if they end up at the mission, they aren't taking him along for the ride.
3. Do not let them, as a couple, move in. You would be endorsing the fornication.
4. I also suggest a meeting, with them, and the pastor.
5. I would stop paying the rent for them. If he is not being responsible with the money, he needs to get evicted. You can always watch your grandson for a while, or he can stay in a loving foster home. The system can help, here.
6. Get them into budget classes or something.
7. Drug testing. I doubt the boyfriend is "clean".

My husband grew up in a drug-ridden slum and he came out just fine.

[Cindy S.]

Thanks for all the replies.
I had a short talk with her today.
I told her no more $ unless they sit down with me and go over their budget.
DD knows part of the problem is her income is so unpredictable she can't make
a budget and needs a regular 40 hour job.
I see there is a provision to petition our governor for a pardon, we are going to try that
and she's going to look for better employment.
I will NEVER allow her to have her bf live with her in my house, baby's dad or not.
If they were married.......maybe.......she knows not to ask.

[gma dolittle]

I just sent her an email that if they need my help they will have to submit to my budget counseling to see where the problem is.

Cindy,
Good idea. Becareful that they don't hold the baby as hostage. Limit the amount of help. If the pattern continues, seek custody of the baby. I had to take two grandsons because my daughter was into drugs and having fun. I gave her a year to straighten up her life, then I would give the boys back. Eventually, she allowed us to adopt the boys because her life was still a mess over a year later. Giving them money when they are not trying to help themselves is being an enabler and until they are forced, they will never take control of their lives. Your daughter may have to leave the baby's dad.

[Tall Timbers]

Thank you.
It's that 9 month old baby that is bothering me.

It's the 9 month old that makes this extra difficult. The sooner these two (assuming they'll remain a pair) can get on solid ground the less the youngster will be affected. You've got difficult decisions to make ...

[Cindy S.]

Cindy,
Good idea. Becareful that they don't hold the baby as hostage. Limit the amount of help. If the pattern continues, seek custody of the baby. I had to take two grandsons because my daughter was into drugs and having fun. I gave her a year to straighten up her life, then I would give the boys back. Eventually, she allowed us to adopt the boys because her life was still a mess over a year later. Giving them money when they are not trying to help themselves is being an enabler and until they are forced, they will never take control of their lives. Your daughter may have to leave the baby's dad.

I pray it doesn't come to that.
They are both very good to the baby, just not with money.
I think my daughter is getting my message but she needs to work harder at getting a
better job. Patience is not one of my strong points.
Maybe this is a test.

[gma dolittle]

I pray it doesn't come to that.
They are both very good to the baby, just not with money.
I think my daughter is getting my message but she needs to work harder at getting a
better job. Patience is not one of my strong points.
Maybe this is a test.

Sounds like the father needs to do something to better their life style.

[Cindy S.]

Sounds like the father needs to do something to better their life style.

I think so too but since society wants to punish you for your past for the rest of your life, his options
are extremely limited.
Both of them have drug convictions and are trying to make the best of a bad situation.
I know you reap what you sow but for the rest of your life? Society is so hateful. How wonderful
it would be if everyone would forgive 70 x 7
My daughter got in trouble 8 years ago, she is going to write a letter to the Governor and ask for
a pardon to get her record erased. That would be a miracle.