Dealing with feelings of hate towards Brother in Law

[Zazzy]

Today my husbands brother put in an apperance at my MIL's house. SIce we live next door to each other on a private road, it's easy to see who comes an goes from her house. He 's been in and out of jail several times, in prison twice, is addicted to drugs, and is emotionally and verbaly abusive to my MIL and his grandmother. He is about three years younger than me (I'm 36), never had a job for more that a few months. Ever car he has had, he has never had to pay for. MIL gives him money, food and clothes. He has stolen from her several times and she keeps letting him come over. I can remember him coming to our appartment in Texas City when my husband was batteling cancer yelling at his mom and grandmother for money, not giving a hoot that is brother may be dying. Everytime I see him at her house, I get an overwhelming sense of contempt for him, and to a point for my MIL. She works at a place that takes care of older kids with crimilal records that behave the same way he does, yet she turns a blind eye to his behavior. (My husbands step-dad has gotten into several arguments with him). My husband and I stay out of it, but we always end up hearing about him from her of my husbands dad.
Today, as my kids were fighting over the treadmill, I admitted to God how I really felt about him. I prayed for his salvation, then asked for forgivness for my feelings. I felt alot better after that. Half an hour later when I saw him leave on foot, the same old feelings returned. Has anyone ever delt with this? I don't want to hate him, but he has only been hurtfull to everyone.

[gma dolittle]

Today my husbands brother put in an apperance at my MIL's house. SIce we live next door to each other on a private road, it's easy to see who comes an goes from her house. He 's been in and out of jail several times, in prison twice, is addicted to drugs, and is emotionally and verbaly abusive to my MIL and his grandmother. He is about three years younger than me (I'm 36), never had a job for more that a few months. Ever car he has had, he has never had to pay for. MIL gives him money, food and clothes. He has stolen from her several times and she keeps letting him come over. I can remember him coming to our appartment in Texas City when my husband was batteling cancer yelling at his mom and grandmother for money, not giving a hoot that is brother may be dying. Everytime I see him at her house, I get an overwhelming sense of contempt for him, and to a point for my MIL. She works at a place that takes care of older kids with crimilal records that behave the same way he does, yet she turns a blind eye to his behavior. (My husbands step-dad has gotten into several arguments with him). My husband and I stay out of it, but we always end up hearing about him from her of my husbands dad.
Today, as my kids were fighting over the treadmill, I admitted to God how I really felt about him. I prayed for his salvation, then asked for forgivness for my feelings. I felt alot better after that. Half an hour later when I saw him leave on foot, the same old feelings returned. Has anyone ever delt with this? I don't want to hate him, but he has only been hurtfull to everyone.

Zazzy,
Don't be too hard on your MIL. That is her son, she carried 9 months and loves him . Think of your children... is there anything they could do that would make you stop loving them? She probably feels the same way. Christ said to hate the sin, not the sinner. And yes, it is normal to get angry when you see him and remember what he has done. Keep praying for God to help you deal with your feelings and especially for his soul. But... don't forget to remember his mother and grandmother in prayer. They may well be in pain. I'll pray for you. God bless you. Grandma

[Tiger Lily]

[Zazzy]

One thing that I remember is that while I was stitting on my front porch thinking of how much I hated him, The words popped into my head to hate someone is to commit murder in your heart. I can't remember where it's at in the Bible, but it's true. I feel increadblly guilty about this. I've already been in prayer tonight, and I feel better, more comforted. I'll keep praying. And for the whole lot of them since out of them all mentioned in the above, I'm the only believer.
We have tried to tell my MIL that he won't get help until he truly wants to. She thinks she can fix him. I relize that she loves him, but he has backed her into a wall and threatened to hit her before if she wouldn't give her money. Their grand mother has helped him steal stull from my MIL before and my husband, who is a cop, caught them. Its really a sad situation. I do love my MIL.
One thing I know is that I feel better that I have been honest with God. Even thought He knows, I have never really told Him how I feel. I'm glad I did. It's like a weight has been lifted off of me.

[TimothyK]

Today my husbands brother put in an apperance at my MIL's house. SIce we live next door to each other on a private road, it's easy to see who comes an goes from her house. He 's been in and out of jail several times, in prison twice, is addicted to drugs, and is emotionally and verbaly abusive to my MIL and his grandmother. He is about three years younger than me (I'm 36), never had a job for more that a few months. Ever car he has had, he has never had to pay for. MIL gives him money, food and clothes. He has stolen from her several times and she keeps letting him come over. I can remember him coming to our appartment in Texas City when my husband was batteling cancer yelling at his mom and grandmother for money, not giving a hoot that is brother may be dying. Everytime I see him at her house, I get an overwhelming sense of contempt for him, and to a point for my MIL. She works at a place that takes care of older kids with crimilal records that behave the same way he does, yet she turns a blind eye to his behavior. (My husbands step-dad has gotten into several arguments with him). My husband and I stay out of it, but we always end up hearing about him from her of my husbands dad.
Today, as my kids were fighting over the treadmill, I admitted to God how I really felt about him. I prayed for his salvation, then asked for forgivness for my feelings. I felt alot better after that. Half an hour later when I saw him leave on foot, the same old feelings returned. Has anyone ever delt with this? I don't want to hate him, but he has only been hurtfull to everyone.

We're not robots. It's not something you'll be able to turn off at will. Were it so easy we might be able to stop sinning. Guess how possible that is?

You did the right thing by admitting to God how you feel about your BIL and asking for God's forgiveness. Now live according to that. Let go of your feelings against him.

Make the choice to forgive him in your heart and be done with it. Let it be if someone came up to you and asked if you have something against this man to condemn, that you should answer 'not I, but the Lord perhaps'.

Let go of how you feel about him when you see him meandering into his mothers house to steal or to otherwise be a louse.

Yes, he sounds like an awful person. No, he doesn't deserve it. We didn't deserve our forgiveness either. Don't go by or act on how you feel about it, simply choose to do it regardless.

God will bless you for it.

Work on being indifferent to this man as it concerns you for your own peace and well being. Disconnect yourself from this one emotionally. He's harming your peace of mind.

Understand that your BIL's lack of empathy towards your husband, his brother, has no physical benefit to your husbands condition or ability to recover.

And lastly, again, we're not robots. Don't beat yourself up too much if you still struggle with this. It's natural. It's human to feel how you feel.

But you're not under obligation to obey your human nature. You have the nature of God also; even the very Spirit of The Most High, the Holy Spirit that testifies you are a child of God.

If you notice unless you've made your feelings known to your BIL, your negative feelings for this man only effect yourself.

Even if you did tell him or let him know at some point about how you feel about him, neither these feelings nor any potential confession on your behalf does anything at all to your BIL's condition: but it does very much to you!

You're the one experiencing and dealing with this. Not him.

God sees it all. We will all have our day before God. Your BIL's actions haven't escaped Him. Pray that he might realize that one day and come to repent at the feet of his God. Jesus Christ is long suffering and patient for men like this.

People like you and me.

It's much easier and better for your heart and spirit to forgive, forget, and disconnect then to harbor anger and resentment for someone.

Don't let this man steal your joy. That much you can control.

I've prayed for you, your husband, and your BIL.

PS Just added your MIL and your entire family for good measure!

[HeIsEnough]

One thing that I remember is that while I was stitting on my front porch thinking of how much I hated him, The words popped into my head to hate someone is to commit murder in your heart.

Yes, it is, so stop. When he comes into your mind, remind yourself its his mothers problem (who obviously doesn't really want your help), and the Lords as well. If she brings him up, lay it on her, maybe ask her how the 'fixin is goin'. If she doesn't like it, tell her not to bring him up. Your life of peace is worth more than him. Like Timothy elegantly stated, he is stealing your joy. So what regarding what the man does? Let him do what he does, your MIL doesn't sound like she minds, but keep your own nose clean. And of course, pray.

[3jsmom]

Zazzy, My pastor's wife taught me to pray for those who I had issues with, and to keep praying, until the issues of anger, hate, dislike, etc.. were taken care of by the Lord. She put it this way, when we cast our cares on Him, it is not a casual toss, it is like throwing bricks up over our head, continuously until we make it. It is hard work, and takes time. The main thing is to keep bringing it before the Lord. I will be praying for you.

[Jacinth]

Work on being indifferent to this man as it concerns you for your own peace and well being. Disconnect yourself from this one emotionally. He's harming your peace of mind.

There are some people I pray and pray about having love for, and it comes.
Some people, it doesn't come, and so this is exactly what I have to do.
Make a decision to be indifferent emotionally. You can choose to do that. Unless he comes disrupting your home, then other action can be taken, of course.

[katiesmom07]

[QUOTE=Zazzy;2257295]he has backed her into a wall and threatened to hit her before if she wouldn't give her money.

MIL being abused

disagree with all posts

[saved by His blood]

[QUOTE=katiesmom07;2257541]

he has backed her into a wall and threatened to hit her before if she wouldn't give her money.

MIL being abused

disagree with all posts

I agree, I believe that MIL feels threatened and is doing it because she fears for her safety. I believe prayer is needed but this sounds like a future headline happening to me.


Saved

[HeIsEnough]

And you two would propose what exactly? Call the police? There are 'elder abuse' places to try if that is required.

None of us have much idea what is going on, but the MIL does have a husband. Its his job to take care of business, cops or otherwise. The OP is asking about dealing with feeling hateful.

[Acts5:41]

Well, I'd suggest YOU go to an Al-anon meeting.

One of the first steps "Admit you are powerless over the problem". Step 2, admit God can fix it. Step 3, "Turn it over to God". It is very comforting to be around others who understand the games played by addicts and alcoholics, your frustration with those who keep "helping" them, etc.

He will NEVER get better until they stop "feeding" him. All you can do is keep him away from your children.

That said, you also need to realize Jesus died for him, and hating him will only harm you. Luke 6:28 NIV

Jesus actually commands you to pray for him, so, do that.

You will also need to sit down with your husband and decide what behavior you will tolerate, and what you will not. If he continues to abuse his mother, you can report him. You may need to, but also realize you are making yourself a target. You may need to have a drill or two, with the kids, if "A bad man comes over and is very angry" they are to go hide somewhere, while you call the police.

[Lynn]

Zazzy, you are dealing with what all of us have had to deal with at one time or another. (Maybe a different circumstance, but having a hard time forgiving someone, nonetheless) God will indeed help you, as you are already starting to feel that He is. The following link will take you to a page with an offer of a booklet on forgiveness, written by Dr. Robert Jeffress, pastor of First Baptist Church, Dallas. I have a copy of it, and if you decide to get one, I hope it is of help to you, as well.
http://www.ptv.org/forgiveness-offer

[katiesmom07]

And you two would propose what exactly? Call the police? There are 'elder abuse' places to try if that is required.

None of us have much idea what is going on, but the MIL does have a husband. Its his job to take care of business, cops or otherwise. The OP is asking about dealing with feeling hateful.

Nope, I don't stand by and wait for someone else to do the right thing. If I see/hear/read abuse of a woman or child I do something, say something, anything. I know the OP is about feeling hateful but in the course of discussion, elderly abuse was indicated. I felt compelled to mention it. Drug abuse can lead to death of self or others or both. I believe that the mother and grandmother are in danger each time he shows up. And I don't think you should wait for the bad thing to happen to call the police. If I saw a man who threatened my MIL with physical violence pull into her driveway, I would call the police. Yup, I would. Call me crazy. Actually, police like to know what's going down in their town, who is taking/selling drugs. They keep an eye out.

In my state, the MIL can get a restraining order if she feels threatened and maybe she doesnt know that and maybe, maybe, Dear God, maybe it may prevent a tragedy if she does. I was merely pointing to the abuse.

[gma dolittle]

One thing that I remember is that while I was stitting on my front porch thinking of how much I hated him, The words popped into my head to hate someone is to commit murder in your heart. I can't remember where it's at in the Bible, but it's true. I feel increadblly guilty about this. I've already been in prayer tonight, and I feel better, more comforted. I'll keep praying. And for the whole lot of them since out of them all mentioned in the above, I'm the only believer.
We have tried to tell my MIL that he won't get help until he truly wants to. She thinks she can fix him. I relize that she loves him, but he has backed her into a wall and threatened to hit her before if she wouldn't give her money. Their grand mother has helped him steal stull from my MIL before and my husband, who is a cop, caught them. Its really a sad situation. I do love my MIL.
One thing I know is that I feel better that I have been honest with God. Even thought He knows, I have never really told Him how I feel. I'm glad I did. It's like a weight has been lifted off of me.

The verse you are looking for is 1 John 3:15 Whosoever hateth his brother is a murder: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. The hardest thing to do is to forgive. May God help you.

[Zazzy]

Well, I'd suggest YOU go to an Al-anon meeting.

One of the first steps "Admit you are powerless over the problem". Step 2, admit God can fix it. Step 3, "Turn it over to God". It is very comforting to be around others who understand the games played by addicts and alcoholics, your frustration with those who keep "helping" them, etc.

He will NEVER get better until they stop "feeding" him. All you can do is keep him away from your children.

That said, you also need to realize Jesus died for him, and hating him will only harm you. Luke 6:28 NIV

Jesus actually commands you to pray for him, so, do that.

You will also need to sit down with your husband and decide what behavior you will tolerate, and what you will not. If he continues to abuse his mother, you can report him. You may need to, but also realize you are making yourself a target. You may need to have a drill or two, with the kids, if "A bad man comes over and is very angry" they are to go hide somewhere, while you call the police.

Deputies have been out here on many , many calls. They, as well as my husband and I have told her that he will hurt her at some point, but she resufes to file a complaint against him.
With regards to myself, my husband and our kids, he knows not to mess with us. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he starts something with us, we will finish it.
He was over at her house today and when I saw him I prayed for him. I never felt the anger today that I have felt in the past.

[TimothyK]

There are some people I pray and pray about having love for, and it comes.
Some people, it doesn't come, and so this is exactly what I have to do.
Make a decision to be indifferent emotionally. You can choose to do that. Unless he comes disrupting your home, then other action can be taken, of course.

Reconciliation between man can only happen if both parties are willing. For reason of the hard hearts of mankind, sometimes that's not going to be possible.

You can only forgive on your part and give the rest to God. If the other party refuses to forgive and holds something against you, there is nothing you can do about that.

God is the ultimate judge and unless the person holding the grudge is otherwise perfect in all their ways, they don't have a leg to stand on.

By condemning you, they thrice condemn themselves.

Their sin testifies against them, you testify against them in not holding the account against them and forgiving them, and God testifies against them for not obeying His word.

Grudges are very dangerous things on the part of the grudge holder. More so if the other party is willing to let it go and forgive.

Nope, I don't stand by and wait for someone else to do the right thing. If I see/hear/read abuse of a woman or child I do something, say something, anything. I know the OP is about feeling hateful but in the course of discussion, elderly abuse was indicated. I felt compelled to mention it. Drug abuse can lead to death of self or others or both. I believe that the mother and grandmother are in danger each time he shows up. And I don't think you should wait for the bad thing to happen to call the police. If I saw a man who threatened my MIL with physical violence pull into her driveway, I would call the police. Yup, I would. Call me crazy. Actually, police like to know what's going down in their town, who is taking/selling drugs. They keep an eye out.

In my state, the MIL can get a restraining order if she feels threatened and maybe she doesnt know that and maybe, maybe, Dear God, maybe it may prevent a tragedy if she does. I was merely pointing to the abuse.

Deputies have been out here on many , many calls. They, as well as my husband and I have told her that he will hurt her at some point, but she resufes to file a complaint against him.
With regards to myself, my husband and our kids, he knows not to mess with us. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that if he starts something with us, we will finish it.
He was over at her house today and when I saw him I prayed for him. I never felt the anger today that I have felt in the past.

This is why it's wise not to jump the gun and assume too much about other people. Your hearts in the right place though. Sometimes it's not as easy as it sounds.

[HeIsEnough]

Nope, I don't stand by and wait for someone else to do the right thing. If I see/hear/read abuse of a woman or child I do something, say something, anything. I know the OP is about feeling hateful but in the course of discussion, elderly abuse was indicated. I felt compelled to mention it. Drug abuse can lead to death of self or others or both. I believe that the mother and grandmother are in danger each time he shows up. And I don't think you should wait for the bad thing to happen to call the police. If I saw a man who threatened my MIL with physical violence pull into her driveway, I would call the police. Yup, I would. Call me crazy. Actually, police like to know what's going down in their town, who is taking/selling drugs. They keep an eye out.

In my state, the MIL can get a restraining order if she feels threatened and maybe she doesnt know that and maybe, maybe, Dear God, maybe it may prevent a tragedy if she does. I was merely pointing to the abuse.

I understand, and the OP clarified. Its the "disagree with all posts" part that didn't make sense at all, and still doesn't.

I would bet many parents are in the same situation, and many likely refuse to involve the police, its their son. Tough love is needed, but thats not always easy from the parent who feels responsible for bringing the child (when I see my grown children, I still see the little child) into this world. I've seen my MIL cope with kind of similar things, at some point we just had to "walk away" after giving all the counsel we could. Things actually got better over time, moms don't give up very easy at all, and I can't say I blame them one bit, love is love.

[antitox]

It helps if you look at the situation a lttle more clearly. The problem there in front of you is more the mother-in-law than it is the son. She is keeping the whole thing alive. She is the one causing it to continue. It wouldn't be perpetually in your face if she wasn't doing that.

I've been thru this with one of my kids. It was a long, hard, and painful lesson and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. YEARS of pain and aggravation.

I think that if you keep the real cause in mind it might help your general focus get a little better. In my situation (being directly involved) after I came to my senses with my kid and I placed a little more blame on myself I got better control over my emotional state.

[Acts5:41]

Yeah, anti-tox, that's the weird thing about addictions. The loved ones often feed it more than the addict.

When I stopped freaking out every time I saw my husband drinking, and worked on the ways I was reacting, he realized he really didn't like who he was, on alcohol, and drastically cut back his intake. That's what I had to do.

MIL needs to stop giving him money and bailing him out of trouble, or he will never stop. To paraphrase something my husband said "Too much help, is harm".

I was abused growing up, and I had to ask God to give me the will to pray for them. Then I prayed for them. Not much, let me tell you. "Take care of them, Lord". Kind of open to interpretation! Then I asked God to put His love in my heart, for them, and I actually pity them. What kind of life leads someone to do what they did to me? I was able to get out, but they have to live with themselves forever.

Now I find myself sending them goodie boxes and calling them every weekend. They're incredibly proud of my Bible Handouts, which I find strange. They had a big hand in making me who I was, for good or ill, and because I couldn't rely on my parents I leaned that much more on Him.

Romans 8:28 in action.