Friendships that turn toxic

[Gilgal]

Is it my imagination, or are more and more friendships under strain, turning toxic or ending altogether? I have a good friend, we've been close for almost a decade....about two years ago, things *changed* gradual at first, but the put downs towards me began, and have continued. Subtle insults, unusual comments....very strange. I've been told I have a charmed life, my daughters are spoiled, and things always work out for me....(and much worse, sometimes insults disguised as complements) all this from a supposed very good friend. It's painful, hurtful....and actually almost creepy. I've hung in there these last two years, but I don't think I want to keep hearing the insults and put downs. I love this person dearly, we've had a lot of fun together, many good times. Much more good than bad....But it's almost awkward at times now. Not sure what happened It's hard to let go, but I think I should. Satan must enjoy ruining relationships, thankfully his time is short. Women, well...we need our girlfriends, but this is too painful to continue. I think she is unhappy, and I can't fix that for her, and I can't be the brunt of her possible anger any longer. This is very difficult. It takes time to detach....just how to go about not caring any more....guess it just takes time.

[Mom2ten]

I have had a few go toxic and it does hurt. I know satan does his best to ruin relationships but I also think after awhile the Lord starts to reveal their true heart to us.

[Acts5:41]

I had a married male friend who wanted to take it to the next level.

Boy, that was very awkward for a while. Especially when I had to tell my husband.

[IMSAVED]

Yes,satan is doing his darnest to separate friendships and families.I agree that God does try to show their true heart to us.It can hurt and be very disappointing.

[Bubbeto4]

Gosh, I can so relate to this happening. It hurts, and may always hurt. At least in my case. This person was not only my best friend, but my cousin. We were nearly sisters (as I lost my sis to cancer in 1983.) My cousin and I went on trips together, loved the Beatles (silly perhaps now) together. We shared our families and history. Had our children around the same time.

I still love her, but can no longer be around her. She deserted me when, at this particle time, I was in a lot of physical pain. I had a flare with fibro. I couldn't go places with her. She started to be rather condensending and went behind my back to my daughter regarding plans I had. She was underminding me. She became controlling and manipulative over the past few years.

There is so much more to this, but the more I speak with others I find they too had similar things happen to them. I also tried to talk about Jesus with her and her answer was "that's a personal thing". She is living in sin too. She never even said she'd pray for me, but still was insulted when ask why she isn't a Christian by someone we know.

I sent a final email telling her our relationship was now over since she wouldn't address the issues. I dream about her at times, but I am avoiding her in it. Maybe this is a sign of the end of days; the "enemy" has his nose into every thing and every part of our lives. I thank Jesus for my real friendship with Him, the One who sticks closer than a brother.

[Poppycat]

Went through the anguish of a toxic relationship with my daughter over one of her 'best friends'. They had known one another since early teen years and married boyhood 'best friends'. The toxicity raised its ugly head over children doing better (or so it was perceived) and the girl friend undermined the husbands relationship to the point that they have no fellowship either now. Especially awkward because they live just around the corner from one another and as my daughter and SIL's street is a cul-de-sac have to pass often. To keep peace my D and SIL moved their kids to another school where they did even better but christian circles are small really and even though a lot was tried to normalise the situation we eventually came to a reluctant decision, just move on. Five years down the track it still has the power to cause more anguish to my tender hearted daughter when satan slings a few arrows.

Gilgal your experience sounds very much like the progression of our experience. My advice is to pack all your sorrows over this problem into a package and send it to the Lord in prayer to restore if possible. And if not, let peace be your umpire and move on. If you are on social network sites consider withdrawing because you are probably linked that way too and by that means you can lose your peace more easily and give a way back in to cause unhappiness.

[Robinbobbin]

Pray about it and give it to God. Pray for discernment and pray for how He'd like you to handle this situation.

There have been some friendships I've ended. THere are others that I've pulled back from for a few years and then can rebuild. Life isn't perfect and friendships aren't perfect. My guess is she has some pretty nasty stuff going on in her life right now and its easier to lash out at you than deal with whatever the issue is in her own life.

[Gilgal]

thank you all for the kind words and advice! I'm usually kinda quiet here in RR, this has been a bit unusual for me to open up...but the fellowship here is wonderful and helpful and such a comfort, that this time...in this situation I wanted to speak. I look forward to us all fellowshipping together one day hopefully soon, maybe in heaven, they'll have coffee...and we could visit. That would be nice!

[3forJesus]

Wow, this thread is right on time for me. Two days ago a friend and I had a major falling out and I'm not at all happy about how things happened. We were pretty close friends and she is also a Christian, which is important to me in friendships, yet sadly, I don't have many close Christian friends.

Anyway, my family and I moved about an hour away from our old town a few months ago. I have a 2 year old and was very pregnant at the time (now the baby is almost 3 months old) and life was just crazy. I will be the first to admit that we did not do the best job of staying in touch with everyone immediately after moving. We had a baby shower/house warming party a month before the baby was born, to which my friend and her husband were invited. They declined the invitation, which was ok, but that's the last we heard from them.

A couple days ago I found out through a mutual friend that my friend was expecting a new baby, so I contacted her to say congratulations and see if she knew the sex of the baby yet. She responded that she did not know yet, and that was it. This really upset me because since one month before our baby was born, she did not contact me asking how I was feeing, how the delivery went, how the baby was doing, etc. Nothing. I have thought about her many times, but I did not contact her, mainly because I wanted to see if she was planning to contact me to congratulate us on the baby or to see how we were doing. Probably a little passive aggressive of me, but it is the truth. I wrote her back and told her so, and she said that because I did not keep in touch with her, she was "humiliated" in our SS class when anyone would ask about my husband and me, and that she did not consider us friends anymore. She said that I "really expected too much of her" by thinking that she would have contacted us to see how the baby was.

Needless to say, I was shocked. Although when remembering many of our conversations and her past actions, she is very dramatic and always tends to play the victim and martyr. We all have areas of sin in our lives that we struggle with...I believe that is one of hers, while one of mine is feeling like I have to always defend myself and can become angry when told that I have done something wrong when I feel like I haven't. Needless to say, I was pretty upset and angry with what she said and I told her that she needs to stop always playing the victim. (This was after several emails back and forth where I apologized for "hurting" her and assured her it was unintentional.) Basically, she would not accept my apology and said that I obviously do not regret or feel badly for how I "treated her and sinned against her." She also spouted Matthew 18 and threatened to take this issue to others at church if we still attended the same church together. I feel like she was being utterly ridiculous.

Anyway, we are not talking anymore, obviously, and I have been feeling very bitter about the situation and I have some anger, too. I feel conviction from the HS about my bitterness, and I don't want it to fester in me. I want to be Christlike in all that I do, and I know it hurts Him to see His sisters arguing.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Please pray that I can let go of this tendency to be angry and bitter. It felt really good to get all that off my chest.

[RaptureReady_7]

Is it my imagination, or are more and more friendships under strain, turning toxic or ending altogether? I have a good friend, we've been close for almost a decade....about two years ago, things *changed* gradual at first, but the put downs towards me began, and have continued. Subtle insults, unusual comments....very strange. I've been told I have a charmed life, my daughters are spoiled, and things always work out for me....(and much worse, sometimes insults disguised as complements) all this from a supposed very good friend. It's painful, hurtful....and actually almost creepy. I've hung in there these last two years, but I don't think I want to keep hearing the insults and put downs. I love this person dearly, we've had a lot of fun together, many good times. Much more good than bad....But it's almost awkward at times now. Not sure what happened It's hard to let go, but I think I should. Satan must enjoy ruining relationships, thankfully his time is short. Women, well...we need our girlfriends, but this is too painful to continue. I think she is unhappy, and I can't fix that for her, and I can't be the brunt of her possible anger any longer. This is very difficult. It takes time to detach....just how to go about not caring any more....guess it just takes time.

Those comments all generate from envy on the part of your friend. Your friend is seeing your life and is is looking like the grass is greener on your side to that friend. So your friend is cutting you down, hoping to make you miserable and therefore, your friend feels justified in treating you this way. Or someone is leading your friend that way, making remarks, in separate conversations to create division and it may be so subtle your friend is not aware she is behaving this way. And rest assured, your friend is discussing these things she is saying with someone else.

Time to distance yourself or the next step is sabotaging things in your life. If not already. Mark my words, it is going to get worse than toxic when it escalates.

[Bubbeto4]

Needless to say, I was shocked. Although when remembering many of our conversations and her past actions, she is very dramatic and always tends to play the victim and martyr

I too appreciate the chance to get it off my chest as well. It just seems so sad that we have had this experience. Some of our "friends" are Christian too (I have doubts about mine.) I quoted the above because that is how my cousin is. She has a hard life now, but had a good childhood. My experience is the opposite in some ways except for my health and economical issues now. It's almost as if she can't play that "victum" card when it comes to me. Maybe that's why she left me, and the pain I was enduring.

I know I said how I am blessed to have Jesus as a Friend and He is and helps me a lot. But I have to say this is a very lonely and painful issue for me and I have laid before His feet to help me. I've asked Him to help find Christian friends. I have met (though RR) some really nice Christian ladies, and that helps. But I miss what we were as friends and what we use to do together; but I don't miss how it all became in the end.

I'm sorry for all of you with this pain. I think of it as painful. It just happened a few months ago for me.

I'm looking forward to having visits with all of you too. Hugs for everyone!

[Lynn]

Rom. 12:18 'Be at peace with others as far as it depends on me.' Sometimes, we have done everything we know how to do to keep peace in a relationship, but the other person will have none of it. That's when our 'peace and joy' begins to evaporate as a result of their pettiness and difficult behavior. For me, sometimes people just 'edit' themselves out of my life instead of staying around and making me miserable. I always still miss them though and still pray for them.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to 'have it out' with someone. The Lord says that vengeance belongs to Him and He will repay. I want to leave these kinds of things with Him and move on, forming relationships with others who 'do' want to be around me and don't have issues with envy, etc. It's hard to have a proper spirit before God if we allow these kinds of relationship issues to overtake us.

[Gilgal]

Those comments all generate from envy on the part of your friend. Your friend is seeing your life and is is looking like the grass is greener on your side to that friend. So your friend is cutting you down, hoping to make you miserable and therefore, your friend feels justified in treating you this way. Or someone is leading your friend that way, making remarks, in separate conversations to create division and it may be so subtle your friend is not aware she is behaving this way. And rest assured, your friend is discussing these things she is saying with someone else.

Time to distance yourself or the next step is sabotaging things in your life. If not already. Mark my words, it is going to get worse than toxic when it escalates.

you're exactly right
envy...what a horrible monster. I've suspected it for awhile now. You just confirmed my suspicions. Distance....yep, a good idea.

[mbrown1219]

Like the old saying goes: "Familiarity breeds contempt."

If you are happy, your less happy friends, family, acquaintances will take pot shots to your face and behind your back. I've never understood why anyone would be jealous of me, but that is what it is when all is said and done. Some people like all the praise and if you shine and take any of the spotlight whatsoever they actually despise you.

If they are "Christian" friends, then I would say they very well may be wolves in sheep's clothing. Or they have not worked through their issues appropriately. We are all a work in progress.

It helps to develop resiliency. God loves you. God forgives you your trespasses. Freely we receive, freely give.

But when relationships are or become toxic, best to walk away quickly and surely. Just don't be available for the abuse. Have better things to be doing and be on your way to go do them right when the toxic person shows up. (Feed the ducks at the local pond if nothing else!)

Get it? "Ducks!"

If you didn't get my attempt at humor, I will understand. I amuse myself easily.

As an afterthought, I believe some people may be jealous of our assurance in times of difficulty that God has it all under control and is working it all to the good for us.... I have an acquaintance who says "And how is that working for you?" This acquaintance is one who wants to be worshipped in respect to how much this person personally "does" for everyone in their life, and does not believe in God. But even among believers, this phenomenon can exist if you have more assurance and trust in God during your struggles than they have during their own struggles and difficulties.

[Robinbobbin]

Wow, this thread is right on time for me. Two days ago a friend and I had a major falling out and I'm not at all happy about how things happened. We were pretty close friends and she is also a Christian, which is important to me in friendships, yet sadly, I don't have many close Christian friends.

Anyway, my family and I moved about an hour away from our old town a few months ago. I have a 2 year old and was very pregnant at the time (now the baby is almost 3 months old) and life was just crazy. I will be the first to admit that we did not do the best job of staying in touch with everyone immediately after moving. We had a baby shower/house warming party a month before the baby was born, to which my friend and her husband were invited. They declined the invitation, which was ok, but that's the last we heard from them.

A couple days ago I found out through a mutual friend that my friend was expecting a new baby, so I contacted her to say congratulations and see if she knew the sex of the baby yet. She responded that she did not know yet, and that was it. This really upset me because since one month before our baby was born, she did not contact me asking how I was feeing, how the delivery went, how the baby was doing, etc. Nothing. I have thought about her many times, but I did not contact her, mainly because I wanted to see if she was planning to contact me to congratulate us on the baby or to see how we were doing. Probably a little passive aggressive of me, but it is the truth. I wrote her back and told her so, and she said that because I did not keep in touch with her, she was "humiliated" in our SS class when anyone would ask about my husband and me, and that she did not consider us friends anymore. She said that I "really expected too much of her" by thinking that she would have contacted us to see how the baby was.

Needless to say, I was shocked. Although when remembering many of our conversations and her past actions, she is very dramatic and always tends to play the victim and martyr. We all have areas of sin in our lives that we struggle with...I believe that is one of hers, while one of mine is feeling like I have to always defend myself and can become angry when told that I have done something wrong when I feel like I haven't. Needless to say, I was pretty upset and angry with what she said and I told her that she needs to stop always playing the victim. (This was after several emails back and forth where I apologized for "hurting" her and assured her it was unintentional.) Basically, she would not accept my apology and said that I obviously do not regret or feel badly for how I "treated her and sinned against her." She also spouted Matthew 18 and threatened to take this issue to others at church if we still attended the same church together. I feel like she was being utterly ridiculous.

Anyway, we are not talking anymore, obviously, and I have been feeling very bitter about the situation and I have some anger, too. I feel conviction from the HS about my bitterness, and I don't want it to fester in me. I want to be Christlike in all that I do, and I know it hurts Him to see His sisters arguing.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Please pray that I can let go of this tendency to be angry and bitter. It felt really good to get all that off my chest.

I just wanted to respond to this - you are 3 months postpardum and you have a lot of hormones coursing through your body. She is newly pregnant and has a lot of hormones coursing through her body. Try not to write off a friendship at this stage because a year from now you two might be in a very different place and in a better place to rebuild.

[BarbT]

When considering why a good friend "suddenly" drops us there is an unpleasant possibility we should be willing to ponder: the "like" factor is gone for one person.

Sometimes resentment over irritating habits, personality quirks, or any differences can build up over the years until the friend finally "blows" and must distance herself. Small insults or humor at your {our, my} expense can be warning signs a friend is ready to move on from this relationship. We don't see the reasons but the friend can.

It's happened to all of us at some point and I'm sure most of us have done it to someone else. Such is the shame of being a sinful human.

[Lynn]

you're exactly right
envy...what a horrible monster. I've suspected it for awhile now. You just confirmed my suspicions. Distance....yep, a good idea.

The Bible has much to say about envy. Two examples: appears as the reason that Jesus was delivered up by the religious leaders to be slain. (Matt.27:18)
Also, check out Prov.27:4. .but who can stand against jealousy? It's one of the most grievous of all the dispositional sins, and I think oftentimes, people aren't even
aware that this is a problem in their life. The people I've known with this problem have carried it on for literally years and years. So sad.

[mbrown1219]

The Bible has much to say about envy. Two examples: appears as the reason that Jesus was delivered up by the religious leaders to be slain. (Matt.27:18)
Also, check out Prov.27:4. .but who can stand against jealousy? It's one of the most grievous of all the dispositional sins, and I think oftentimes, people aren't even
aware that this is a problem in their life. The people I've known with this problem have carried it on for literally years and years. So sad.

It comes across to me most often as the person suffering from a superiority complex. The people who suffer from it are always more capable and more intelligent and could do a better job of it.... than... or they don't want to give up "their" position of power, notoriety, or respect...

Of course, BarbT has a point. One must also examine oneself in the equation. Part of it is a personality issue. Extroverts can be too exuberant and outspoken for many introverts.

Lord, take us home with You soon so that we may all be in perfect harmony with You and with each other. We are not capable of that on this earth with our sinful nature and will require perfection by You in Your presence to get over ourselves altogether. I pray this with fervent hope, in Jesus' name, amen.

[TheRedeemed]

The size of this thread and the number of posts says it all for a one day post!

I too have parted company with a man I worked with for over 12 years. We were a team pair, we did all the company's web sites from concept to delivery with each of us having our own defined role. He did the design and mark up I did all the code logic and databases and security etc, then he started 'dabbling' in my area and instead of helping and advancing the projects he was causing me to double my work by correcting his bits first before I could do what should have been done in the first place.

All of this all of a sudden after 12 years of working safely together, then he started doing stuff like this and when I eventually challenged him on it our working relationship simply crumbled as he insisted he was right and I was wrong. It was a very serious bust up we shouted and bawled at each other down the phone and stuff.

He's gone now, he left the company 3 months ago after a 10 year stay and everyday for 12 years we spoke as we worked in another company together for 2 years before as well, now neither of us has spoken a word to each other since his last day with us. I never seen this coming, I don't know if he did either, but we were once friends and colleagues of the highest order and now it looks like we're permanently parted.

I don't know if its God's doing, I prefer to think it is and not Satan's hand, but I did mail him links to the RR web site and a link to John 3:16 too, so even if we don't ever speak again, I do hope he checked out the links I sent him.

Strange thing is I don't miss him and I am not sad at all that we're now parted, so on that basis perhaps it was God's will and I am spiritually comfortable with the end result to be honest.

[Acts5:41]

We didn't "dump" him, but the last person we lost as a couple - borrowed a lot of money and months late paying us back.

It was very annoying for us, because he has 3 checks coming in every month, his Army pension, his other pension, and his social security.

My husband got drunk one night and called him, shouted he was tired of hearing about this guy's truck detailing and steak dinners, when we didn't have enough money to pay the electric, because SOMEONE hadn't paid us back. That was it, Ron said. No more loans, ever, no matter what the circumstance.

The guy paid Ron back within a week - and stopped calling.

Once the "bank" closed, he drifted off. He drifted back a while ago, and proudly told us how he was doing Dave Ramsay now. Which Ron had told him to do all along. Once we cut him off, he HAD to keep a budget.