My 4 year old son

[my2babysmama]

Just a little venting time and maybe i need a little advice, too. My son is changing, and I don't know how to deal with it. There are some times that he is so sweet, willing to help, and I think to myself, this is my son-I've found him again! But more and more he is turning into a bully. If he doesn,t get what he wants, he will hit or kick. He always has to be first and will push his sister out of the way to get it. (She is almost 3). Yesterday i pulled him off a ride at the fair because he was kicking the kids in front of him because they weren't going fast enough. I know that he knows what is right, but he won't do it. I give him consequences when he acts like this, but it doesn't seem to help. This is breaking my heart. I don't know what to do. My greatest prayer is that i would raise my children to bring them to the feet of Jesus, but it doesn't seem to be going that way. I'm at a loss, and i don't know what to do.

[Robinbobbin]

My good friend has a little girl very much like your son. Love and Logic has worked very well for them, with the key being 100% consistency in cause and effect. Ie: you kick, this will always be your punishment, even if it is at the fair or at the mall. You punch, this will always be your punishment, even if we are at the fair or at a restaurant.

They attended a Love and Logic class at a local church and said that it helped them far more than reading the book because they could bounce ideas off of the other parents.

Just a thought.

I'm so sorry. It's SO hard when we see our children behaving badly when we know their true spirit is sweet and kind. It hurts our Mama hearts.

[Acts5:41]

I was bullied tremendously by the other kids, after my Dad remarried (she already had 3). No one ever stood up for me, and if I said anything I was punished.

I remember one time my younger stepbrother (he was 14 at the time, I was 17) came in my room, verbally abused me, and beat me up. I was blamed, even though I had been sitting in my room reading when he came in. He wanted me to ask him for permission before I took a shower every night, and I refused. I was told, I should have asked him for permission - a younger child, not even related, didn't pay a bill in the household - because that's what he wanted.

I was punished. She consoled him and gave him treats because "Of course it was my fault".
It did a lot of damage.

It is very important to punish your son consistently - that kid is now an out-of-control adult, my stepmother is constantly "rescuing" him to this day.

[April]

Kids go through many changes, and they want to push their parents buttons.
Just stay very calm and give him his punishment.
When he whines and cries about it. Just remain calm about the situation.

My son went thru the kicking stage too, about 3 years old. And he kicked my leg a few times. I remain calmed and punished him by taking a certain toy or game he liked and made him think about what he did. He would always say sorry and I love you mommy, after a day or so.

He is now grown and a very loving and responsible young man.

YOU will Get through this time. Just keep praying.

[Titus2]

I would recommend at that age whenever he goes to hitting and kicking you get him in a bear hug from behind and calmly whisper in his ear that you love him and you aren't letting him go until he has calmed down and won't hurt himself and others. Sometimes they calm right down, sometimes it's a five minute battle. Either way, the bear hug protects him and everyone else from his flailing. After he is calm you can explain that hands are for loving and making things, not hitting or throwing things to hurt people, animals, or objects. My son responded well to me redirecting him to a pillow on the floor during these fits. He was safely using that as an outlet for his frustration.

Four is tough age for kids. It was a rough time with my son, I can remember it well. They are going through so many changes. It's that awkward transition phase between being too big to be babied, but too little to be treated like the other kids. They (especially little boys) have lots of big feelings at this age that they cannot adequately process. It's hard, but with consistency and loads of patience and prayer, you will both get through it.

[UntilHeComes]

I know how you feel--Mom! I taught school for eleven years before I married and had children. I would look at other kids and think, "My kid will NEVER do that." Well, guess what--my kids did all that and worse!!! My suggestion to you is to "spare the rod and spoil the child." I called spankings "Koalas" because I didn't want other people to know what I was talking to my kids about. But at four years old, your son is now old enough to remember what he has done and get spankings at home if he misbehaves. But you must be consistant and spank hard enough to make him dislike them. Spankings are great because it physically is a stress reliever for the parent and it is a quick and effective punishment for the child. Some people think spanking is too violent. Let me tell those people that spankings are nothing compared to not disciplining and watching a child end up in street fights, prison etc. When you spank just think that you are sparing your child from a horrible life of hard knocks. That is your love for your child. After I would spank one of my sons at age four, he would shake his fist at me and tell me he hated me and was going to kill me. Guess what, he got another spanking and continued to get them until he changed his attitude. Was it hard? You bet--sometimes I wouldn't leave the house because he was being such a brat--we needed to have discipline that day. But guess what, both my boys grew up to love the Lord and their Mom. They are so protective of me and respect me as their Mom. After each spanking later that day, I would make sure to show physical or verbal love to my child. So, one spanking = three positive actions later that day! My little brat grew up to be 6'1 and he is the most gentle person you would want to meet. At 4 he kicked the tar out of his Awana teacher. Last year he saw her and apologized for kicking her! And you know what really surprised me? My kids can't remember all the "Koalas" they got when they were little!! Take care, and God bless! P.S. Always spank on the bottom

[Sandra17012]

I made my daughter laugh the last time she was here. I told her that my grandson did nothing but act like a three year old the entire time they were here....he is three =)

The charming, delightful newborns we bring home have a way of turning into kids!

If he still acts this way at 6, I would say you might have a problem, but I am not prepared to say this about a little 4 yr. old. Keep up the discipline as the others said, this is more than likely just a stage he will grow out of.

[Windflower]

Another suggestion is a physical activity to get out extra energy. With my two boys I would make them run around the house (outside) several times. By the time they came back in they were too tired to fuss and argue. I also got a mini trampoline that they could bounce on whenever they got upset. They also did jumping jacks- in fact they still do. And I've added push ups and sit ups now that they are teenagers and think they rule the roost (especially when one of them is 6'3" and can look down on me). I would agree with the other advice posted. It can be difficult in a public setting, but just pull him aside (so he stops bullying the other child) and explain his behavior is not appropriate and select the consequence for the action. I think most boys have issues along the lines of yours and he is acting pretty normal. We just have to show him what kind of behavior Jesus would like to see. Oh, and make sure if he is watching any tv shows or movies that the characters are portraying good behavior. My mom pointed out a popular cartoon we had been watching was promoting the very behavior I was trying to stop! Once we quit watching that show their behavior improved. Being a mom is hard work- you are in my prayers.

[my2babysmama]

Thank you for all the replies. Its just so easy to blame myself when things happen like this. I just need to trust the Lord to show me how to discipline my son.

[Bubbeto4]

I made my daughter laugh the last time she was here. I told her that my grandson did nothing but act like a three year old the entire time they were here....he is three =)

The charming, delightful newborns we bring home have a way of turning into kids!

If he still acts this way at 6, I would say you might have a problem, but I am not prepared to say this about a little 4 yr. old. Keep up the discipline as the others said, this is more than likely just a stage he will grow out of.

I have to agree with Sandra, my grandson went through this too. Get him a soccer ball! Turn a negative into a positive. I know my daughter told him we get to kick only soccer balls, not people. Make sure he gets enough play time as they have so much energy! He'll be loving again soon. Praying for you to get through all this with peace of mind...praying for your children. Don't worry, Jesus loves them no matter what! !

BTW He is now 6 and the most delightful little darling!!!

[Lynn]

I know how you feel--Mom! I taught school for eleven years before I married and had children. I would look at other kids and think, "My kid will NEVER do that." Well, guess what--my kids did all that and worse!!! My suggestion to you is to "spare the rod and spoil the child." I called spankings "Koalas" because I didn't want other people to know what I was talking to my kids about. But at four years old, your son is now old enough to remember what he has done and get spankings at home if he misbehaves. But you must be consistant and spank hard enough to make him dislike them. Spankings are great because it physically is a stress reliever for the parent and it is a quick and effective punishment for the child. Some people think spanking is too violent. Let me tell those people that spankings are nothing compared to not disciplining and watching a child end up in street fights, prison etc. When you spank just think that you are sparing your child from a horrible life of hard knocks. That is your love for your child. After I would spank one of my sons at age four, he would shake his fist at me and tell me he hated me and was going to kill me. Guess what, he got another spanking and continued to get them until he changed his attitude. Was it hard? You bet--sometimes I wouldn't leave the house because he was being such a brat--we needed to have discipline that day. But guess what, both my boys grew up to love the Lord and their Mom. They are so protective of me and respect me as their Mom. After each spanking later that day, I would make sure to show physical or verbal love to my child. So, one spanking = three positive actions later that day! My little brat grew up to be 6'1 and he is the most gentle person you would want to meet. At 4 he kicked the tar out of his Awana teacher. Last year he saw her and apologized for kicking her! And you know what really surprised me? My kids can't remember all the "Koalas" they got when they were little!! Take care, and God bless! P.S. Always spank on the bottom

Best suggestion, so far, because it is reflects the wisdom of God's Word. My dh and I are of the Baby Boomer generation, and we 'spanked' when our children misbehaved. It works, because God's Word says it will work. That's all the reason I need to do anything.
Of course, spankings should be delivered in love (not anger). I like what UntilHeComes has to say about following up with expressions of love, both verbal and physical affection later. Children feel insecure when no one is helping them to control their behavior. If Love and Logic works for some, that's fine, but this other means of discipline may be what's needed at times as well.

[jadeeyes]

You have received some wonderful advice here from Moms who have reaised children and have already been through the same kinds of things your are now experiencing. Please do keep in mind that your little boy is a normal, little 4 year old. As others have already said, he needs consistent discipline and that discipline needs to be administeredin love, not anger. Although I did spank my children, it hurt my heart to do so because I didn't enjoy causing them pain. However, I knew that the momentary pain of a spanking might prevent much greater long term pain in the future. And that has held true. My oldest son was especially difficult, probably because he's so much like me, but he is now a Christian and is growing in Christ. For a long time, it didn't appear that he would ever come around, but he is now living out his faith and his Dad and I have a wonderful relationship with him. Your precious little boy is going to give you a few heartaches over the years, if he's like most children, but your consistent, loving dicsipline will work wonders.

[Lynn]

You have received some wonderful advice here from Moms who have raised children and have already been through the same kinds of things your are now experiencing. Please do keep in mind that your little boy is a normal, little 4 year old. As others have already said, he needs consistent discipline and that discipline needs to be administered in love, not anger. Although I did spank my children, it hurt my heart to do so because I didn't enjoy causing them pain. However, I knew that the momentary pain of a spanking might prevent much greater long term pain in the future. And that has held true. My oldest son was especially difficult, probably because he's so much like me, but he is now a Christian and is growing in Christ. For a long time, it didn't appear that he would ever come around, but he is now living out his faith and his Dad and I have a wonderful relationship with him. Your precious little boy is going to give you a few heartaches over the years, if he's like most children, but your consistent, loving discipline will work wonders.

[Chaya]

My guess is that you are not confident in your role as the adult, the person in charge, and your son knows it. You may have swallowed worldly philosophy, such as the idea that you are supposed to be a friend to your child, rather than an authority figure, and your child's happiness is paramount. You pulled him off the ride, ok, good. Then what? Did he get a spanking when you got home? Did you send him to his room after you have taken away all the fun stuff? Did you inform him what your standards are as to how he treats his sister, and if he can't comply he will lose all his privileges (tv, media, etc.) until he can be civil? It is likely your child is frightened that he is out of control, and will keep upping the ante until you finally reign him in. I am going to guess that you ignore bad attitudes, disrespect and behavior until it becomes extreme.

Look up Ecc. 8:11. I know time is limited when you have young children. When mine were little, I used to read the Proverb of the day, and there is much to learn about raising godly children there. I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you may need to grow a backbone. If you are throwing up your hands in defeat at a 4-year-old, what are you going to do when he is 16?

Praise him when he is doing good. "I like the way you share with your sister." If you can, find an older couple with grown children who have turned out well - that will be your best bet for advice. If your son is acting out because of tension and conflict in your home, then that is something that needs to be dealt with first.

[Titus2]

Then what? Did he get a spanking when you got home? Did you send him to his room after you have taken away all the fun stuff? Did you inform him what your standards are as to how he treats his sister, and if he can't comply he will lose all his privileges (tv, media, etc.) until he can be civil?

I don't wish to start a debate, but I tend to disagree with the concept of delaying a spanking until you get home. Being removed from a fun situation is punishment enough for a four year old. I'm of the opinion that when children are this little, it's confusing to them when you delay discipline. You either discipline immediately or you let it go. You cannot have the child calm down and then after a thirty minute car ride, when the child's mind is already light years past the incident, and then go and administer physical discipline. That just makes them feel insecure and upset all over again.

I hate to use this as an analogy, but it's similar to training puppies. When a puppy has an accident on the floor, it's useless to go back hours later when you discover it and then shame them for it. You have to discipline the moment the undesirable behavior pops up, otherwise the lesson is lost. Very small children do not have the attention span to grasp the concept of, "you did this thing five hours ago and I'm spanking you now for it so you'll know it was naughty". Older children (usually six or seven and up) can grasp the concept of discipline after the incident has already past than children just barely out of the toddler years.

[Acts5:41]

Also, different children require different levels of discipline.

If a parent sat me down and said "Heather, I am very upset that you _____ " I would start crying my eyes out. Half the time, they just had to tell me they were mad and that was punishment enough.

That never worked with the other kids. They "needed" the spanking.

[Titus2]

Also, different children require different levels of discipline.

If a parent sat me down and said "Heather, I am very upset that you _____ " I would start crying my eyes out. Half the time, they just had to tell me they were mad and that was punishment enough.

That never worked with the other kids. They "needed" the spanking.

Exactly. My son has autism and people never understand why I don't spank him. They don't understand that spankings in the middle of a full scale meltdown do nothing but exacerbate it. I think it's up to parents to exercise godly wisdom and good judgement. Being a parent is exceptionally difficult and every child is such a unique creation of our Heavenly Father's, so it is a daily challenge trying to meet their needs and still "train them up in the way they should go".