I think I may have wronged someone, but not sure.

[NewWorldOrder]

I'm feeling a little angry, a little sad, and a little disappointed all at the same time. It's kind of a long story, so I'll try to keep it brief.

A good friend of mine, whom I've only known since October of last year, has three children. Her oldest is 18, but by her own admission she really only has the maturity level of a 14 year old, but she can show the maturity of an 18 year old. Well, this girl was invited to a graduation party of a mutual friend of my daughter's. My daughter introduced her, sort of, to a guy friend of hers and they were starting to get to know each other, so he invited her to his party. So, to make a long story short, this girl's behavior was very unbecoming of her at the party. She started flirting with a boy she did not know, and well, they got a little intimate, and it caused problems. I heard about it from my daughter, and from my friends who were also there. I was supposed to go, but decided not to.

Because several people were offended by the behavior, and because my daughter told me what was going on, I felt I really had no choice but to call her mother and tell her what happened. If it were my daughter behaving that way, I would want to know, so I called her mother. I was really nervous but I knew it had to be done. My friend, took it really well, and was glad I told her. But here's where the trouble starts. My daughter is extremely angry with this girl, because they have done all of their "talking" through texts, instead of actually speaking to each other. That kind of conversing loses something in the translation, like voice inflection, and emotion.

So, last night this girl kept trying to text my daughter, and in her own way apologize, but it wasn't coming out right, and they started bickering back and forth like children. I took my daughter's word that this girl is just bad news, and allowed things to escalate. Finally, my daughter told this girl that she wasn't going to go to her graduation party, which is this Friday and she's not going to stay the night. Well, when this girl got that text she tried to call my daughter, but my daughter refused to answer the phone, even though I told her she needed to talk to her, but she wouldn't do it. So, she tried calling me. I was not going to blow her off, knowing now what I know about this girl, through her mother, whom I really, really like. Well, for answering the phone I started getting yelled at not only by my daughter but by my husband. I was going to try and explain to this girl why my daughter was angry, but they kept yelling at me and I finally just told her that I should probably speak to her mom. So we hung up. I was so mad, that, I started cursing.

A few minutes later her mother called me, and she is very calm, but that's her nature. I'm fuming, and trying to explain to her that her daughter really shouldn't have called me, because this is really between our children, and that unless my daughter had actually done something wrong, she had no business getting me involved. My friend felt really bad about it, and apologized, and she explained that her daughter really tried to apologize to my daughter, but that they weren't communicating properly for anything to really be said properly. She did tell me, that after I told her about what happened at the party, that she and her husband spoke to their daughter and she owned up to everything I told her. She didn't deny anything, but not until they told her that they had witnesses to the behavior, and she spilled the beans. She was very ashamed, and apologetic and knew she made a mistake. I believe her, but I wasn't told any of this until last night after all the hoopla. So, now my daughter is angry at me, because she thinks I'm picking sides. I personally feel, that my daughter needs to talk to her, person to person, and not through texting, and work this out. But she's made it clear that she just doesn't like this girl, so she's using that as an excuse. She needs to forgive her. I'm feeling really bad right now, because I really like this girl's mother. None of us are perfect, and I don't want my daughter writing off this girl because she did something stupid at a party.

So, after all this, I'm starting to regret even telling her mother what happened although, she's really glad I did. So, I'm feeling ashamed of myself, my daughter, my husband, and well, myself for allowing this to happen.

[mom211]

I wouldn't make my daughter hang out with this girl. The girl may be inclined to repeat the behavior and your daughter might be trying to protect her own reputation. If she is graduating they are probably going to go their separate ways anyway.

You can still be friends with the mom w/o your girls hanging out together. My daughter made the hard decision not to hang out with her best friend after the girl repeatedly got into situations she shouldn't have. The girl berated my daughter for not being Christ-like and maintaining the friendship. However, there are times after warning someone of the error of their ways that it is best to move on when the person isn't changing.

[LARAGDOLL]

I'd leave it alone. The girls will either work it out and be friends OR not all on their own. As for you and the girl's mother there is no reason you two cannot still be friends. My guess is that there is something about this girl that your daughter doesn't want any part of and she may not even be able to explain it. Just trust her instincts and let it ride. As for you and the other mother, just don't plan to do anything where the girls will be forced to spend time together. If it works out for them in the long run even better.

[TeachMe]

Oh, how sad, that this has caused such a rift within your own family.
I hope your daughter and husband are Christians, because that should make them realize that this is not worth such strife within your own family.
If your daughter doesn't like the other girl that's something between them, but she shouldn't let this become something between you guys!!

Hope and pray yall get this worked out!

[NewWorldOrder]

I wouldn't make my daughter hang out with this girl. The girl may be inclined to repeat the behavior and your daughter might be trying to protect her own reputation. If she is graduating they are probably going to go their separate ways anyway.

You can still be friends with the mom w/o your girls hanging out together. My daughter made the hard decision not to hang out with her best friend after the girl repeatedly got into situations she shouldn't have. The girl berated my daughter for not being Christ-like and maintaining the friendship. However, there are times after warning someone of the error of their ways that it is best to move on when the person isn't changing.

I agree, but this is the first time she has done something like this.

[icebear]

i think the only thing you can do is state your case, that you are sorry it got to this point... if you think you should have done things differently then just state such. i don't think you are to blame exactly, we've all done stuff that maybe could have been done better differently- afterwards

the kids (pre-adults) do need to work this out, but they will have to do it on their own, they are old enough to figure that out, maybe they just need time, i know the party is coming up in only days, but maybe they just need to step back a bit?

i'm not good at advice so i rarely try to give it so i hope the situation just needs time and cooler heads!

[NewWorldOrder]

i think the only thing you can do is state your case, that you are sorry it got to this point... if you think you should have done things differently then just state such. i don't think you are to blame exactly, we've all done stuff that maybe could have been done better differently- afterwards

the kids (pre-adults) do need to work this out, but they will have to do it on their own, they are old enough to figure that out, maybe they just need time, i know the party is coming up in only days, but maybe they just need to step back a bit?

i'm not good at advice so i rarely try to give it so i hope the situation just needs time and cooler heads!

No, you're right, Icebear. They do just need to step back. I'm certainly not going to make her go to the party, but I don't know if I should go or not. We were invited as a family, although my DH can't go because he has to work. What's odd though, is we met through our husbands. They work together, and we both homeschool. Her son and my daughter went to Homeschool Prom together, just as friends of course. Our personalities are completely different, she's calm and rational, and I'm less calm, but still rational till I get worked up. It took some time for me to get used to her, because we have different ideals about certain things, but I think because of it, we're learning from it. I carry a gun, am pro 2nd ammendment, etc. She hates guns, and won't let her husband get one for home protection, which irks my husband to high heaven, but since she's met me she's learned that you can still be a Christian and like guns, and drink a beer once in a while, she's easing up. I've learned from her how to be strong in your faith, and that admitting sin is not a sign of weakness but strength. Does that make sense?

[firstoftwelve]

you did the right thing in telling her mother. it sounds like you're more frustrated with your own family and their reactions than w/ the other family. It seems to me, the other family is handling things well.

I think I'd first address your family ganging up on you and yelling at you while on the phone. that wasn't appropriate. and yes your daughter should deal with the other girl face to face even if it is to say that she doesn't feel comfortable with a close friendship. School is ending, college will be coming and people move on with different lives.
Also call your friend and tell her that your relationship is very important to you and that you hope differences between your girls doesn't mean you have to end or change your friendship. That they're growing up and making their own decisions at this point in their own friendships.

but I think ultimately the strife within your own family is what should be addressed immediately. And no it isn't all your fault at all.... you did ok with what you were given...

[jadeeyes]

No, you're right, Icebear. They do just need to step back. I'm certainly not going to make her go to the party, but I don't know if I should go or not. We were invited as a family, although my DH can't go because he has to work. What's odd though, is we met through our husbands. They work together, and we both homeschool. Her son and my daughter went to Homeschool Prom together, just as friends of course. Our personalities are completely different, she's calm and rational, and I'm less calm, but still rational till I get worked up. It took some time for me to get used to her, because we have different ideals about certain things, but I think because of it, we're learning from it. I carry a gun, am pro 2nd ammendment, etc. She hates guns, and won't let her husband get one for home protection, which irks my husband to high heaven, but since she's met me she's learned that you can still be a Christian and like guns, and drink a beer once in a while, she's easing up. I've learned from her how to be strong in your faith, and that admitting sin is not a sign of weakness but strength. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes perfect sense. I have a little advice for you that you may take or leave. I think it would be a good idea for you to sit down with your daughter and have a talk with her. Tell her that you are sorry for having offended her. Tell her that you aren't going to force the issue regarding the relationship between the girls and that you are going to respect her judgement in the situation. However, tell her that she definitely needs to forgive the girl because that is what the Lord requires and disobeying the Lord is going to cause problems for your daughter. Explain to your daughter that forgiving the girl does not require being "best buds" with her. It just means letting go of the grudge and the anger and not holding it against the girl any more. You can forgive a person without choosing to be her pal. I would also explain to her that I'm going to the party because the girl's mother is my friend and friends attend each others' kids' graduation parties. Tell your daughter that if the girl takes that opportunity to ask you to intervene or to try and involve you in their problem, that you are going to tell the girl that that is between them and you don't intend to get involved. Then, stick to your guns. These girls aren't little girls any more, they are young adults and they need to be able to handle situations like these on their own. It's one thing for them to ask their own parents for advice. It's another thing altogether for one to call the other's mother and ask her to intervene in any way. I hope this is helpful.

[mom211]

" But she's made it clear that she just doesn't like this girl, so she's using that as an excuse. She needs to forgive her. I'm feeling really bad right now, because I really like this girl's mother. None of us are perfect, and I don't want my daughter writing off this girl because she did something stupid at a party. "

Kids can be pretty perceptive, trust your daughter's instincts on this. I would let the whole matter drop. What do you think your daughter needs to forgive the other girl for? Her behavior at the party or for trying to involve you?

[happymommy728]

I think you need to let the girls work this out. I would of been livid too if my mom stepped in and started trying to fix my problems for me. This isn't a big deal...teenage girls do this and if they should be friends it will all come out in the wash eventually. Let your daughter learn to handle it on her own.

[NewWorldOrder]

" But she's made it clear that she just doesn't like this girl, so she's using that as an excuse. She needs to forgive her. I'm feeling really bad right now, because I really like this girl's mother. None of us are perfect, and I don't want my daughter writing off this girl because she did something stupid at a party. "

Kids can be pretty perceptive, trust your daughter's instincts on this. I would let the whole matter drop. What do you think your daughter needs to forgive the other girl for? Her behavior at the party or for trying to involve you?

Both.

Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I took a loong walk, in the very hot weather today, so I'm feeling better. I don't think I did anything wrong, except answer the phone, but I don't like leaving people hanging like that. This girl should not have called me. Firstoftwelve is right, I'm more upset with my own family for ganging up on me for something I couldn't control. Her mom and I will be fine, and I'll go ahead and go to the party without my daughter. Besides there will be cake, I like cake.

[NewWorldOrder]

I'm sorry, but the girl is 18 and technically an adult. How would YOU feel if someone called your mother and told her that you were misbehaving?

I think you were wrong.

She's 18 and still living at home under her parents authority, so I wasn't wrong. If it were my daughter, I would want to know, regardless of her feelings on the matter. Her parents were both very grateful for the heads up on the situation and they have a done a great job of handling it.

Update: My daughter had time to cool off, and decided to go ahead and go to the party. It was very nice, and everybody had a really great time. My daughter and their daughter got along great, and she loved the gift my daughter gave her. She opened her gifts after the party, after everybody had already left. She gave her a copy of the book "Dateable", which is a book for both boys and girls about dating and the opposite sex. It's written from a Christian perspective and my daughter loves that book. Her SS school teacher actually loaned my daughter her copy of the book, and she liked it so much she bought her own. As it turns out, this girl she gave the book to was wanting the book but couldn't find it, so she was happy to get it as a gift. Her mother had to call me to tell me that her daughter liked the gifts, and I could hear her in the background sounding all excited, so my daughter made her day. I told her mother to have her son read it too, if he wants to, and she just laughed. Her son is a pretty level headed guy, and a bit shy.

[NewWorldOrder]

Then we will need to agree to disagree

No, we simply disagree.