I have the same problem with my teen. I told her when she learns to use her mouth with appropriate respect due to me (mom), is when her mouth will be listened to again. Then I take my hearing aids out. (deaf) You could put ear plugs in? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Sorry, when I think of smart mouth, I think of pain. Because mom would slap my mouth (so it didn't take me long to learn!)
Thus the term "smart mouth", it smarts when you mouth off.
I only can see ignoring working if the underlying reason is they want attention. Otherwise, it isn't going to work too well.
I know my mother wasn't one to spank a lot and always made sure I took others feelings into account, even when I was really young, so I didn't misbehave all too often. But if I did something totally out of line, and got smacked for it, then It was more like a shock than anything, and it snapped away the thought of doing it again.
I think the trick is not too do it to often, but if a new problem starts, nip it in the bud before they begin or complete the action.
If your child is old enough, you can talk to them about it.. let them know you don't smart off to them, and that doesn't mean they can smart off to you.
And what you tell them may seem unfair, but that is because you love them. And that what they are going through isn't any different than any person their age in the past and everyone has to wait until they are old enough to make their own decisions.
Other than those two options, there isn't much else I can think of. Just be aware of who their friends are, maybe they see that behavior at a friends house. If you have seen those TV shows with out of control kids, and push over parents, you'll know what I am talking about.
Last edited by Rinji; August 4th, 2008 at 09:49 PM.
God is logical.
If he wasn't, then he would have created the grass before the light!
What is the probability God would have gotten all 7 days in the right order if he had no logic?
1 of out 5040 possibilities.
Well, when my kiddo smarts off to me, I just look at him like this ::::puts on REAL serious expression::: and then hold it for a few seconds. But then, my kiddo is only 8. This will probably lose it's effect when he becomes a teenager. The only advice I have is to not let him/her ever get away with it even one time.
I heard a discussion on Focus on the Family today in which problems such as this were addressed. The guest speaker was Dr. Kevin Leman, and his book is titled "Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days." by Dr. Kevin Leman. Sounds like it would be a good read!
Whenever he smarts off, take something away, like his nintendo, computer, etc. When he gets angry about that, tell him he obviously doesn't respect you or the things you do for him, so you are taking away the things you have done for him. I don't have kids, so this may sound really lame, but part of his behaviour may be coming from these things.
I took away his Nintendo DS last night and he cannot play with his "buddies" today. So far, after a long talk about disrespect, it's been a decent day...
Heavy sigh. Been there, done that. It never gets any easier. You must stand your ground, expect respect, make the punishment fit the crime, and always have something to hold over them. Other than that, love them a lot but let them know that it is not okay. With time they move out and things can improve. I'm still waiting for my 20year old to see his transgressions...may be waiting a couple more years, I'm afraid.
When I was in highschool, we had a teacher who would make us write out James 3 if we spoke out of turn, etc. The chapter is about taming the tongue. Perhaps you could have your child write out some selected verses every time they use their smart mouth?
Remember, they are throwing fits and tantrums. It doesn't matter if they are 15, they still throw tantrums like they did when they were 5; you still have the same child and he/she will still throw the same kind of fits they did when they are little, even if they are few and far between. They want their way and when they don't get it, they use whatever has worked for them in the past, even if that was was long ago! If the child is older, they are going to use older words, older actions, etc., but they are still throwing the same kind of tantrum. Remember this when dealing with them.
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN...MEAN WHAT YOU SAY...PERIOD! There main agenda is to get what they want, to get their way, right? So, they will use the mouth, the drama, or whatever they have used in the past (they most always use their best trick) to try to wear you down, to get you frustrated to the point of finallying saying, "Okay, fine, I don't care anymore, just stop your mouth, whining, etc." They think if they just keep it up, we will give in or wear down; don't do either.
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN...MEAN WHAT YOU SAY! Tell them you understand every word coming out of their mouth but as the parent, you have the final sayso. They think we do not understand and that is when they lose it. Tell them you do get it, you do know what they are asking and why, but you just can't, won't, etc. allow it...bottom line. Do not fight with them, do not yell back at them (that is what they are really wanting).
REMEMBER, SAME FITS NOW AS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE; THEY'RE JUST USING A LARGER VOCABULARY AND A LOUDER VOICE. YOU COULD HANDLE THEM WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE SO KEEP USING WHAT YOU ALWAYS HAVE USED WHEN DEALING WITH THEM.
Don't worry if you hurt their feeling, big deal, they have a 10 sec. rebound time. They have no power, remember that. They can't drive, they don't work, they have no money, etc. How much power do they have...none! It's okay for them to get mad but we as parents must know when they cross the line and when that happens, we need to let them know the consequences. USE THE CONSEQUENCES...SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. If you don't, they have no respect for you and your authority. If you tell them no games, then no games; not "Okay, I'll give you one back," no, follow through with the consequences and always follow with, "I do love you, more than anything, but that has nothing to do with this!" Because they will always try to throw that "you don't love me" thing in there. Don't let them go there, it's one of the ole "grab bag" decoys they pull out when they want you to feel guilty and let them off the hook. Remember that!
There is always hot sauce....relating that to the "Hell" that is comming out of his mouth won't be tolerated.
We presume that we would be ready for battle if confronted with a great crisis, but it is not the crisis that builds something within us—it simply reveals what we are made of already. -Oswald Chambers
The key to discipline is consistency. If you take away his Nintendo for being disrespectful today, let it slide tomorrow and send him to his room to think about it for 10 minutes the next day, you're being inconsistent and confusing the child. You need to decide just how seriously you need to take this issue, decide on a course of action, talk to him and tell him what the consequences will be each time he smarts off and stick to it. Every day, every occasion, no matter where you are or who else is there or how tired you are of dealing with this issue, you must follow through each time he is disrespectful. I'm not accusing you of laziness, but one of the biggest problems I see many parents having with discipline is their being to lazy to follow through. They are often lazy, inconsistent and want to be friends with their kids. Kids need other kids to be their friends. They need their parents to discipline them more than be their friends. I am friends with my kids now that they are adults; not so much when they were kids. As for the laziness issue, I know that sometimes the problem is not so much laziness as it is sheer exhaustion. Nevertheless, it is important to be consistent and follow through.
I think we may have figured out the heart of the problem. We sat down, DS, DH and I and had a LONG talk about respect and how important it is. It came about that the other kids in the neighborhood were teasing him for always coming home and asking us if he could play in someone's back yard or allowed to ride his bike around the corner. It's our rule that we know where he is at all times and he sticks to it. Apparently the other kids think he's a baby and began teasing him about being a mama's boy. I think he felt by trying to be disrespectful, he was trying to show them he was cool. So we let him know real friends don't make fun of you and it's our rule anyway so too bad. The last 2 days have been pretty good. He started to smart off when it was bed time and I smacked him on his booty as he walked by. He instantly apologized and we moved on. His Nintendo is still mine and he's still earning his playtime back. I know it's important to be consistent and at times, I'm tired but after watching the other kids get away with it with their parents I now see even more how much we have to stand our ground. We'll see what the rest of the day brings and even tomorrow...
glad to see you got to the heart of this
One thing that has REALLY helped me with my son is when we are out and about in public and I see another child (whether they are toddlers or teenagers) throwing a tantrum, I point it out to my son and ask him what he thinks about it and how it makes that person look. It has been very effective in getting him to think before he decides to flip out over something. We only had one incident where he threw a tantrum in a store, back when he was much younger. We were at the grocery store and he wanted a matchbox car. We said no and he melted down right at the cash register. Flopped on the floor, flailing around, kicking and punching and screaming like he was on fire. I just dragged him over to the side, stood in front of him so he wouldn't be stepped on and let him work it out. When he was done (only moments after he'd begun because he realized no one was affected by it) I asked him if he was done and he said yes and we got in the car and went home.
My girlfriend faithfully required her kids to say, "Yes, Ma'am," with perfect respect. I sat there in awe as she patiently sometimes required them to do it over a dozen times, in front of anyone who happened to be there, until they honored her with proper respect.
At the time, I thought it was too much. I've since changed my mind. LOL Those boys love her and treat her with the utmost respect, but it is not stiff and formal. They have fun and laugh, but they respect her.