bad marriage

[DAVEYBOY]

I'm a man so I guess I really shouldn't be here, but...I am in a bad marriage-my second. My first marriage broke when my wife wanted a divorce because she just wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to try counceling. Her exact words were..."If you think I'm gonna let some lousy therapsit tell me I'm wrong, you're nuts!" Okay. I never should have gotten married this time, but my ex had just got remarried, to a man that she is just miserable with, I might add, and I felt like I should do the same. I married a woman I've known for about 30 years. She goes to my church. She's a nice woman and very attractive, so we started dating. I became aware of certain issues while we were dating such as unbelievable jealousy, incredible insecurity-which kind of feed off of each other. And tons of bitterness and anger. Like a fool, I married her because I thought when she saw the kind of guy I am she will ease up a little. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, gamble, go out with the guys-even go on hunting trips or anything like that. I work hard, go to church, cook, clean, go to the store, you name it. Long story short, it didn't get better, it got worse. I am 3 years into this marriage and I am miserable! She will absolutely not meet me halfway. She wants everything to be about her and her happiness and her comfort, and forget about anything that I might need or want. We have been to 3 different councelors who all have seen what the real issues are in our marriage just in the first few visits. As soon as they start to zero in on what the problem is, she pulls the plug because she can't take anyone telling her she needs to work on things. She likes to pick out everyone else's problems, not her own. Not sure what to do here. Been praying. She treats my daughter badly because she is jealous of my love to her. All I want is to have a woman who knows how to treat me as well as I treat her. A woman who has the guts to say "I'm sorry-it's my fault." Instead of always blaming me. Just a woman who meets me halfway would nice. Any advice from the women here?

[BlessedAssurance]

[Seabird]

My advice is to focus on the Lord together. My husband and I started having very short Bible studies together. Be honest with eachother; maybe try being the first to say that you are sorry even if its not quite your fault.
Don't be afraid to say I love you everyday. Remember why you joined Rapture Ready. This might help you in your focus.
You sound like you are nice and do your part from what I read, but, maybe your wife needs a helping hand spiritually and emotionally so counseling is a good idea.
I will pray for you and your family.

[Rinji]

Wow.
God made Eve to be Adam's helpmate. Maybe someone can take her into a study on what a woman needs to do and her roles?

If I had a spouse that picked at my son or daughter, I'd immediately let them know it will not be tolerated. You're the head of the house, not her. (then again, that's me!)

When she starts picking at something I'd say something like, "Do you want to watch TV? You must be bored.", "Are you having a bad day?" or "Do I talk to you that way?". Or if she has a lot to say. Let her say it. And ask sympathetically after wards "Do you feel better now?". It could be a way of venting.

She might not realize she doing that behavior, and no one has probably took the time to nip it in the bud before it got to this point. If she doesn't think about her doing that, then a counselor might try to tell her there's something going on and she doesn't have any recollection of being corrected, therefore in her mind, nothing is wrong with her. (People have horrible memories when they are in denial. Think of a person on a diet, trying to estimate calories. Usually they estimate lower than what they actually consumed!)

Just make sure, when you say something, it's subtle. Otherwise you'll be giving her ammo.

Sadly, this isn't much different from a kid's behavior modification.

To me, it sounds like she has some bad habits, and those will die hard. Don't be surprised if she has any outbursts. Just stay calm and stand your ground. And let people know what's going on, in case she tries to exaggerate what happened to others. The last thing you need is a story being passed around that got out of hand.

If all else fails, and anyone else is noticing this behavior. You and several other friends of the family/church may have to intervene and say it's enough, and get to the bottom of what's eating her. She might not be so comfortable with expressing it with a counselor.

Maybe you can suggest to the church some bible studies centered around improving one's self?

Besides prayer, That's all can think of short of divorce. But she does have her own role to play in the family. After all, God did make Eve out of Adam's rib. Not a part of Adam's scalp to be the head of him, and nor part of Adam's foot so he can trample her either.

Another route to go is to talk to her family. Maybe they can shed some light on what's going on with her, recent, past, or whenever.


I never thought about the saying sorry and I love you. James and I say it so often that... I dunno, it's kinda ubiquitous in our house.

Sorry, it seems that I've given you a bunch of detective work to do.

[DAVEYBOY]

Thank you all for your advice. However I've tried alot of what you suggested already. I'm always the first to touch or say sorry or I love you. I complement her looks or say thanks for doing some of the things she does. Never get any of this given back to me. I think she picks at stuff to make her feel better about herself. If she sees all the mistakes people make, mistakes she's not making, then she feels like she has something to feel god about. She has no friends or at least none she does anything with. I really don't think she has any kind of relationship with God though I've prayed with her and we go to church. I've pretty much tried everything I know how to do. Stepped out of my comfort box more than you know only to to have her not reciprocate. It gets old! She makes everyone feel like they're walking on eggshells because she's upset all the time. She'll get mad over the littlest things and then not talk to anyone for days. I've asked...no, begged her to go to the doctor's. Maybe she's battling depression. She won't have any part of it. I have thought about divorce many times but I just can't bring myself to do it.

[DAVEYBOY]

This all comes form her child hood I think. Her Mother is...well, one of a kind. She is known thru the church as certainly someone who will help out on anything-she's on so many committees and altar guild etc.-but she's also someone who many people do not like. She's always right and everyone else is wrong. It's her way or the highway. That kind of thing. My wife's Dad is a great guy but he let My wife's Mom be the boss all these years. She tells him what to do and he does it. This is the kind of mariage my wants even though I've told her repeatedly it will never be that way. I think a marriage should be 50/50...in everything. Sometimes we do what I want to do. Sometimes we do what she wants to do. I root for you-you root for me. But she wants it all for her and doesn't want to have to give anything back.

[Savanah]

Davey,
Do you think that she is verbally/emotionally abusive? It sounds as if her behavior goes beyond the normal sort of misunderstandings that go on in marriage to something more insidious. The fact that she is making everyone around her walk on eggshells and that she is unkind to your daughter is a big clue to me. Have any of your counselors suggested this type of abuse as a possibility?

[Seabird]

Your wife has to submit her will and life to the Lord. He is the only one who really knows everyone and why she is behaving this way. It is time, perhaps, to let go of her past, and start walking anew in Christ.

[antitox]

You're going to have to look at the obvious. You made poor decisions. And they were based on insecurities and dysfunctional perceptions.

This woman does not appear to have equilibrium. All you can do at this point is determine not to make the same mistake again. I understand that everyone is going to tell you to do the things that are believed to be the "right way," but it won't work if you don't have two people in agreement.

[Buzzardhut]

You're going to have to look at the obvious. You made poor decisions. And they were based on insecurities and dysfunctional perceptions.

This woman does not appear to have equilibrium. All you can do at this point is determine not to make the same mistake again. I understand that everyone is going to tell you to do the things that are believed to be the "right way," but it won't work if you don't have two people in agreement.

yep
the decisions are based upon perspective
bad perspective = bad decisions
which is why it gets repeated.

have to change your outlook
a counselor can help that

[Rinji]

Gosh, the whole thing being centered around her reminds me of the Latino's "la muejer" way of thinking. It's always about the woman, and some of it stems from catholicism.

I just hope this can get settled.
Another interesting thought entered my head. I wonder if a counselor has ever prescribed divorce? (not encouraging it or anything)

[Angelita]

Dave boy,
There is a really good marriage program on TBN and Daystar Tv called marriage on the rock.

Sounds like you need help. This will not be easy because you will need alot of character to be patient and lots of prayer!! But through this program he explains how different we really are and how to meet each others needs. He addresses every marriage problem you can think of.

His preaching style is awesome. Lots of humor! He will show you how to win your wife over and then she can learn the mysteries of meeting her husbands needs and you guys can end up with awesome marriage with God at the center.

In the meantime it won't be easy but our trials percfect our character and make us more like Jesus. And we end up with rewards we didn't even dream of.

Besides your only other option is to divorce her and mabey become lonely and end up married again with the same and different problems..............

God bless you and comfort you and help and give you the wisdom to understand us women!!

[Angelita]

Dear Big Chief,

How true!! We need partners who are adjusted and mature emotionally and spiritually.

I think the best way to find one is to be one !!! It takes one to know one right!

Love to all God's people out there!

[Buzzardhut]

I agree with this one. If worse comes to worse and the marriage doesn't work out, you need to change your outlook. It sounds to me that you seek out women like your mother in the hopes that you can "fix" them and turn them into what you think a woman should be, but that's usually a bad idea.

I did the same sort of thing for a while, though my situation was a bit more complicated. It wasn't until I figured that out that I realized I shouldn't have to marry someone who needed fixing, but that there were women out there who were already adjusted and mature enough to be what I was looking for that I found what I was looking for.

True
Nobody is "fixing" anybody through marriage.
Have to give that myth up
and a baby won't fix it either

[jean]

It is unfair to your new wife that she be the answer to what you are expecting in your first marriage.That is the kind of unnecessary luggage your are bringing in this new marriage of yours.You should realize that no woman can be the fulfillment of your void(Only God is the complete answers to our voids)

While she is doing the same to you uncionsciously.Her unnecassary luggage is her habits formed from her disfunctional family,that makes her unfitted for a healthy relationship.

One of you,and usually it is the one who is more aware of the situation,who should go the extra mile.Then the other one will just follow sooner or later.In your case you are the one who will go the extra mile.

The extra mile you will do is first don't fix it with another marriage.You did that mistake once and if you do it again it will not fix your marriage,you will just go on and on repeating the same mistake again.

This time go the extra mile of enduring it, longsufferingly.And you are better off because you are the head,what is more difficult is if it is your wife who is at your shoes.That is your advantage.Determine in your heart that you will not live your wife.Allow yourself to be matured by the Lord this time.You aim to breakthrough it,by God's help and power and wisdom.(Usually He uses counselors and a lot of help books)

This time simply endure it for Christ's sake,and he will reward your,not so that she may reciprocate,(she may or she may not,prepare for the worst,pray for the best),but that she may love God in return.then she will know how to reciprocate.

Unless she will know how to love God she cannot reciprocate.And she will know only on how to love God if your will be tough to love her.

Draw your security and completeness from the Lord and not from your wife.Your chance now to reciprocate Jesus love for you is to give His love (that you recieve from HIm), to your wife.

Jesus knows how to reward you,best.

[Cindy S.]

Your thread title caught my eye.

I'll tell you what my DH (2nd marriage) did to get my attention.

We fought quite a bit and after another typical teary night, the next day which was my birthday, I got up and kissed him good morning - trying to see if he was still mad.

Next thing I know, I heard the van start in the driveway. I ran out in my stocking feet to see him backing out and waving goodbye to me.

He let me stew for about 2 days before he called me to tell me he wanted a divorce! Of course, he wasn't a good communicator and even if he was, I probably would have never backed down in any fight. Looking back, since my DH was so passive, I know I took advantage. I was the queen bee at home too.

I prayed and prayed and he was out of the home for 12 days.

One day he agreed to go to a counselor and we went a few times.

I'm not saying things are perfect, but we are still working on it 11 years later. I NEVER want to go through that again!

I guess you will have to find a way to take control of the situation, even if it has to get as drastic as what my DH did.

I tell you, that will definitely get her attention on you and off herself.

[NewWorldOrder]

This all comes form her child hood I think. Her Mother is...well, one of a kind. She is known thru the church as certainly someone who will help out on anything-she's on so many committees and altar guild etc.-but she's also someone who many people do not like. She's always right and everyone else is wrong. It's her way or the highway. That kind of thing. My wife's Dad is a great guy but he let My wife's Mom be the boss all these years. She tells him what to do and he does it. This is the kind of mariage my wants even though I've told her repeatedly it will never be that way. I think a marriage should be 50/50...in everything. Sometimes we do what I want to do. Sometimes we do what she wants to do. I root for you-you root for me. But she wants it all for her and doesn't want to have to give anything back.

I know what you are saying by the statement I bolded, but something really needs to be clarified. Marriages are NOT 50/50. Business partnerships that are doomed to fail are 50/50, but marriages that survive and blossom are 100/100. If we go into our marriages thinking it's a 50/50 relationship then you are going in with blinders on. It takes 100% of yourself to make a marriage work. Each spouse either gives their all or there will be problems. Of course, there will be times throughout the marriage where one spouse may not be able to give 100%, due to illness or whatever. When that happens, the other spouse will have to start giving 150% or more. It seems that your wife wants you to put more into the marriage than she's willing to put in. Do you love your wife? Is she worth fighting for? If so, then it's up to you to start giving that extra 50% or 75%, but it won't be easy. If you think counseling is what your marriage needs then get it. She's been raised by a domineering woman, so she's emulating that behavior. Her father should have been more of a man and not put up with that from his wife, but he did and the damage is done, but with perseverance, prayer, love for your wife, and God's help you can turn your marriage into what God intended.

[lisa]

When my husband and I had problems quite a while back, our pastor said to me, "Spend $10,000 on counseling, then come talk to me about divorce. Since that's the smallest amount a divorce would cost you, try spending that money on repairing the marriage instead of severing it." It was great advice. We're very happy we listened.

[DAVEYBOY]

I know what you are saying by the statement I bolded, but something really needs to be clarified. Marriages are NOT 50/50. Business partnerships that are doomed to fail are 50/50, but marriages that survive and blossom are 100/100. If we go into our marriages thinking it's a 50/50 relationship then you are going in with blinders on. It takes 100% of yourself to make a marriage work. Each spouse either gives their all or there will be problems. Of course, there will be times throughout the marriage where one spouse may not be able to give 100%, due to illness or whatever. When that happens, the other spouse will have to start giving 150% or more. It seems that your wife wants you to put more into the marriage than she's willing to put in. Do you love your wife? Is she worth fighting for? If so, then it's up to you to start giving that extra 50% or 75%, but it won't be easy. If you think counseling is what your marriage needs then get it. She's been raised by a domineering woman, so she's emulating that behavior. Her father should have been more of a man and not put up with that from his wife, but he did and the damage is done, but with perseverance, prayer, love for your wife, and God's help you can turn your marriage into what God intended.

I hear what you're saying but you know what I mean when I say 50/50. I've tried that "Okay I'll touch first or I'll be the first one to kiss and make up" But after a while that gets old and I'm tired of knocking myself out to make this marriage better when she won't cooperate. She needs to meet me halfway and care about my feelings too. I am so sick and tired of everything alwys being about the woman's feelings and the woman's happiness and to blazes with anything the man needs.

[Hootmon]

Ive been thinking of signing up for one of these conferences for a 'tune up' and to insure 'proper inflation'... ==> http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204637/